Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello ladies,

I come to this website and read all problem. And some where in my heart I feel I am not alone there is so many like me. I am not alone here. Now I will start my problem.

My marriage is love marriage. I was going to my husband father office and I saw him and he saw me and we find out that we both are in same class from school and we like each other. And out parents are agree on it and we got married. But after marriage I found out my husband is very angry person if he got angry he thought stuff and he beat me too. I didn't told any body about this in my in laws house every body know this. They saw me that support me but they speak like that he got angry and he start beat me. My FIL did it same with my mil. I am coming from middle class family. After 6 month of marriage they send us to USA. I don't want to come here but my MIL didn't want me to stay India. I come here and I was at my SIL house and I was cooking all day and taking care of his two kids and she was expecting third one. I don't know any thing about kid but I learn it and I don't know anything about cooking but I learn it. I was servant at my SIL house they go to party and they bring me what ever left over. But my husband thing all are fine. After that my mil come to usa for delivery of my sil and i start working. I got good pay and everything and on the basis of my education we file green card. After my sil delivery my mil and sil behavior was so bad to us I was crying almost everyday. But my mother in laws was laugh on me. One day she fight with me and she told me that I am giving to bad blessing and you will never ever get any baby. I cry on that day lot. I call my sister and told her she say forgot all the stuff and leave them. Anyhow I convince my husband that lets move near to office and we rent apartment and move there. My in-laws went back to India. But now problem is my sil she send all three kids including infant to my house every sat and Sun. with her husband she went to somewhere. I was so frustrated one day that I told her I would not keep them here. On same day I have surgery on my hand and I cant change diaper or even don't cook any thing. So she didn't like it she call her mother and told that I misbehave with her. I just cry again. But no one was there to help me. My mum say god is there if you close eye he is there and help you. me and my husband are not soft engg so we were not getting too much money from our job. but enough that we can run our expense. Then I got pregnant and at the same time we brought small house. I want my mother to deliver the baby but my mil play big game and she come here. I was ok with that. But every morning she left house go with my sil and come back in night i come from office and cook for all. I was very sick for 9 month. But I decided I will come over with this my friend help me too. That's why my mil hates my friends. But life goes like that I was with my son for 1 yr so my husband needs to do 3 jobs. But I decided I would do which is best for my son. My in laws force me to start something. But I listen to my inner voice only and my inner voice told me my son needs me. After 1 yr I start job I got so much good job that I earn more then what my husband was earning for 3 jobs so I told him to left one job. Which was early morning. From there to today I am suffering one day I decide that I will not tolerate all this crap and I speak up and stood up again my husband and my in laws but I have to suffer lot. This is short story about me but main problem is
We have fight on this sat my in laws are back from India and staying with me my son in now 3 year old. When we fight my husband again beat me I didn't like it I want to kill my self I try before too but when ever I do I see my innocent son face and I stop doing anything else. My husband loves me and I too. But I am not happy I want to go back to see my parent from last 4 yr I didn't see them. I am so tired I decided I will pack my bag and leave him take my son and run to India and tell my parent to hide me or we will leave our house and stay some where else. Where no one can find it. I hate when my husband beat me I am free servant for them who is earning good money and cooking too. Six year I am suffering.

Please tell me is it good to leave his family no one talk to me can I leave them, what will be my son future without his father. Can you guys tell me what to do??????
Rima replied. Thank you for your warm reply. i am sorry i was out of town for some family function. but now i am back we drove to florida from my house and it was very far from my house i was with my son and husband. and while we were driving i did talk to him.

i really love him and he too. i know with out me he is nothing. he confece all his mistake and he put his hand on my son head and told me that he will never ever hit me now.

i told him i dont trust you this is old trick. and i dont belive him but i know he really love my son and me. so i give him up to dec 2005 time if he hit me more i am leaving him. after been to florida and come back my life is change he is helping for cleaning kitchen, helping for laundry, and other stuff even i didnt ask him to help me. i ignore him little bit then also he is not complainting i am thinking he might be feel guilty and he know that he loss all the respcet from me. but i am watching and keep inform you guys any improvement.

thank you for your advice.

be self reliant girls replied. DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myself in life.

infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....

first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";

secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)

We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)

In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)

Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.

The list is endless....

But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?

we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....

my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....

who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.

all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..

no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.

ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act

remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???

we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woma should behave...ladis read it...and kow how respected are we in the indian culture

aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.

what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY

i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change

but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowed to sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if you fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....

at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....

PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets start something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?

i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";....
De replied. Hi Rima,
You sound like a very sensible and practical person. You do not deserve to be treated like this by your husband and his relatives.
I think it is important to tackle the situation diplomaticaly.
You know there are options and that too because you are living in the USA. First thing is that do not stand any physical abuse from your husband.
Explain to your husband that you will not tolerate beating....and tell him in very stern voice. Show a little authority. Explain to him how you feel when he hits you. Try to talk to him emotionally about this issue when he is in good mood. Explain to him that things can be so much better if you can talk it out. Also next time you sense that things will become bad ...i.e he will hit you then try to back off. Do not show any emotions. Walk away from the situation. If all this will not work then youy should tell him that if he does not stop abusing you then you have to take some action. Be strong and assertive. Dont think that you are not capable of doing anything. In the US especially such things are not tolerated. You should call 911 when your husband hits you. That way there will be a written complaint against him. 911 calls dont cost you anything. You should consider it.
Also there are many emotional/physical abuse hotlines available....sor you to get some help from. They have free courses on how to stop being abused and other things.
One such hotline number in the US is 1 800 799 7233.
Call them and see what are your options.

Best of luck! ruchika seth replied.

DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myslef in life.

infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....

first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";

secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)

We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)

In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)

Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.

The list is endless....

But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?

we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....

my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....

who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.

all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..

no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.

ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act

remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???

we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woma should behave...ladis read it...and kow how respected are we in the indian culture

aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.

what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY

i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change

but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowedto sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if yuo fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....

at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....

PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets strat something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?

i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";.... VirginiaGal replied. This is no LIFE. You need to leave your husband. The life you are leading is NO LIFE for a woman with a child. If you stay, most likely things may get worse. It has been 6 years for you and 1 child, if you wait it will be 16 years and 3 or more children and more abuse and so much misery and pain and then you will really regret it. You have what is left of your youth, energy, and your LIFe to go out and do better God-willingly. The life you are leading today is NO LIFe. You have already sacraficed so much and you keep lowering and lowering your standards, accepting the beatings for 6 years(!!), accepting the servant work all your life, accepting the blackmail childcare ever weekend until the kids are who knows how old, what next? Are you crazy or something? Its only going to get worse. Please, for the sanity of yourself and your child and your future children, this man is not worth having more kids with and stay with in my opinion.

YOu need to prepare for the future on your own, think hard about all of this, and PRAY to your ONE CREATOR to GUIDe you and ordain what is BEST for you and make that solution easy and accomodating for you in every way. Pray to GOD! Don't neglect this. prumessence replied. It is very important for you to be brave. Your husband needs you, it is not like he beats you up and locks you at home. Your pay is what is running this house. Tell him you will call police and put all of his relatives and him in jail if he touches you once more. If he cannot behave, then ask him to leave the house. Your son will be taught to disrespect you too and then you will have nothing to look ahead for. Before they corrupt that young kid's head and make him another bad addition to society,stand up. Dont bother your parents. This is your life and you are responsible for it. Good luck. swati replied. physical abuse is unacceptable. your son doesnt need 2 b raised like his father. go for marriage counselling or seek help and leave. organisations such as Sakhi would be able to help u. i dont know where in US u live so pls contact Sakhi in New Jersey(website: SAKHI dot ORG). call them or email from work to maintain privacy. theres another site ammas dot com - u could find more sites on this one. atleast u r financially independent and could support yourself. u could continue living in US and visit family in india whenever u feel like it. kalpana replied. Hello dear,

I am so sad to hear you. I too lived in that situation for 2.5 years. It was a painfull hell, had no self esteem left, was falling sick and having car accident. They thot they have a free servant to give them green card and money. I finally left them forf good. Believe me it is painfull to leave a spouse, even one ou hate b'cos you've gotten used to living with them. In th elong run your son is better off not seeing his mother disrespected and beaten up. The loss of a father is great but that's OK if you can live and be happy with the 101 other things in life. Be prepared for opposition. My brother and bhabhi disowned me for being a divorcee, my parents supportd me emotionally but they were also terribly ashamed, saddened and afraid of my single status. i didnt have a child so was easier to remarry but you can rest assured that MIL dear reminds me of the fact as often as she can. The only thing nice is hubby is great , I just keep praying to be away from his parents (evil like all all other ILs. Basically what i am saying is stand up for yourself, you will find more in life but it will always be a battle - just a different one. Some battels are worth fighting and some worth leaving, decide which yours is. Best of luck!