Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hey Girls,

I want to share an situation and ask for your opinion. My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we live in the US. I am a pretty easygoing and loving person. For the first three years I tried very hard to win the hearts of my inlaws. Depsite their rude behavior and cutting words during their 3-4 month trips to the US each year. Moreover for these three years my unmarried sil and bil( both younger than my guy) lived with us in the US from the day we got married. Initially I tried be my normal happy self with them as both of them are very close to my age.
Anyways after 2-3 years I realised that they are simply using my goodness and started standing up for myself. My guy's whole family is full of drama. They act completely different in front of others. They are all PHD's etc..., but I am well edcutaed too so I didn't think that being educated meant you could show off.!!

Now, we live seperately but my mil as usual keeps giving biting comments and she does that only when my guy is not around or not on the phone. And my guy is absolutely loving and a compassionate person but just doesn't beleive that his mom is nasty towards me. He supports me in everything else but his mom's behavior. And after 5 yrs, I just don't pay any attention to her bitching but sometimes I get irritated that I have bear all th enonsense for him and he doesn't even acknowledge my hurt.

Today what happened is that we bought a new car and after we called my parents, he called his parents to inform them. His mom right off the bat tells me \";carwali, congratulations on the new car, In our times we had lalita pawar and nadira as hunterwali and now you are carwali\"; I didn't know what to say!!!!!!????is that who you equate your dil to when you congratulate ????? I simply repeated what she sd so that my husband could hear what she is saying. But I just waived it off after that as I didn't wanna upset mysel fand argue with my husband. But then he asked me later what it was all about and I sd mom says weird things sometimes and I told him what she sd. He says you take everything in the wrong context !!!!!!!!!! My gawd!!!! am I the only one who thinks its insulting to be compared to lalita pawar??

Anyways, I cut the argument with him and walked away as I don't wanna waste my breath on the nasty old lady and her efforts to make us fight.But it irks me that my guy doesn't accept that his mom is rude to me. If my parents were ever rude to him, I would accept and correct them. Here I don't expect him to correct them but atleast he can accept yaar! Anyways maybe it's too much to ask of an Indian guy to stand up to his mom!

And the bitch has made me cry so many tears for 3 years that I don't wanna fight even for 1 min with my guy over her.Mostly I don't care about the nasty stuff she says or does but sometimes it just irks me like mad. And makes me doubt myself that maybe I misconstrued the situation.But she has now done it a million times so I feel I can't be misconstruing only her all the time because in general I am a sane and fair-minded person. Thanks for reading this...I was feeling claustrophic and wanted to share since I am so far away from home. :(
Feel free to write in your opinions and comments...I'll feel someone know what I am talking about and understands it. jyoti replied. I have very nasty in-laws too. When I married my hubby, he seemed the only one doing everything for everyone in my inlaw house sending thousands of dollars to my inlaws inspite of that his parents and bros have little respect for him. my MIl and fil have always been nasty to me and I put up with it constantly for my hubby ut finally my fil had the audacity to call me crazy and other nasty things better unsaid then that' s it I put my foot down and told my hubby he could select one of us as his parents were causing me mental stress and I was better alone. THat' s it my hubby got angry.. finally.. and started ignoring my inlaws completely. I dont talk to them anymore finally peace has come to our life. Its better to get rid of bad people from your life or you will become crazy and very sad. life is as it is stressful without inlaws. Mohammed Sameer replied. This is a story of my mamiji and so called Saas(My Naniji)!!
that means i am a midiator between bahu(lives in US)saas who lives in (india)
and i get to hear from both as they both love me!!and i love them equally!!
listening to ur story brings only one thing to my mind \" Taali Kabhi Ek Haat se nahi baghti\" i truely agree the gen past hubbys u married would react this way and is its the sit in every indian family but has anyone provided proper sol!!

The Problem:Saas Sasur come form a gen were they are used to enjoying bahus royalty' s and beleive one day their son' s will take care of them when they are old\" Bahu' s are prepared nowadays how to be commanding in the inlaws house and make sure they liv alone with their partner' s and if they see saas in the so called othr way round situation\" not tolerable\" its all Tere Parents Mere Parents!!

Solution:
1)Hubby comes from a hard day work not to hear bad about a women who has given birth to him n taken care of him for 25-28 yrs!! n u cant change that in 2 or 5 years\"

so talk to ur MIL' s and FIL' s freely and understand how the situation can be delt rather then having one sided mis conceptions

2)If MIL and FIL not ready to listen then follow what they just say for 1 or 2 yrs i promise your hubby is urs\" i know it sounds hell\" but i promise by then ur mil' s and fils would react the way u want!!

3)Now why only us why not MIL N FIL to change
Ladies i have to tell u indian society sucks in a way!!its always the girl
u know why 95%lov marriages fail-cause even if u want to be together ur family wont let it happen!!so by the time u resolve family issues the lov disolves and the divorces happen!!the solution let ur MIL N FIL be ba mouth but when u say nothing ur husbend understands and he will truely respect that!!but he would not say it right then which u expect wait as spend sometime together after all MIL AND FIL not gonna stay at ur home life lonng!!whats old is got to go,u would understand this when u have children and they grow old!!rather then thinkin how ur MILS N FILS spoilin ur life!!lov the person whom u married !!truely some where in his hear ull will see ur lov burning!!i am sure the gen nxt will not hve this prob so much!!
cause being my slef around family fights i have spent time to understand how i can make my wfe happy n u all prov great feed back!!cheers!! s r replied. Hi Girls

Best thing to do here is to give as good as you get.
The way the MILs are witches in our husband's absence, we should be the same to them in our husband's absence. When the husband is around.. be really sweet and nice to them. Say good things about them to your husband. Constantly keep asking your husband how they are etc..
When your husband is just about to get home.. offer to give your MIL a massage so you're actually in the process of doing so when he arrives at home. And then he'll see that you actually care for her etc.
This way when the MIL tries to speak ill of you, the husband will take your side than hers. He will realise who the bad person is. No matter how much in your heart you hate your MIL, don't say this to your husband. This will make him take your MIL's side more.

So basically give as good as you get!!!
And beat them at their own game.
So go on girls, put this into practice instead of suffering.

All the best of luck to my fellow sisters out there. May the force be with you. sonali kapoor replied.
So true dear...I can very well relate to you. My hubby too is a nice man and I love him dearly , but when it comes to his mom-dad, my mood gets spoiled. My hubby has a blind faith over his mother, he doesn't want to accept the fact that she can be wrong & unreasonable at times. He always defends her by saying that I must be mistaken- she(his mom) must have done it unknownigly...she can't hurt anyone deliberately blah blah. But If I do/say something without any wrong intentions, my in-laws would create a scene. They would immediately start blaming me, my family & my upbringing- tell me won't it hurt me ? They have said such things about me to my husband that I had never ever imagined in my dreams.

My MIL is a very dominating and controlling woman and I can see that clearly the way my FIL obeys her orders. If someone talks to my MIL, she comes across as a liberal woman, but when you look at her actions, she is the most self centered and conservative lady. Her words and actions are totally opposite. She would preach others on how to be modern and respect other's privacy- but would want to know every little detail about her son's married life, even the intimate details. She is always ready to find faults in others . Whenever she passes sarcarstic & rude comments to me - I try to tell myself that I should not mis-interpret them and I shouldn't mind....but the point is that one can ignore such taunts once, twice or may be thrice...not EVERYTIME !! It sucks...back of the mind I always think about what she said/did in the past. But hubby dear doesn't see how hurt I feel due to his mom's unpleasant remarks- and beacuse of this stress & depression, I have had many physical problems as well. I always have to smile & follow her instructions- if I fail to do so then I have to be ready to welcome another argument/fight.....beacuse one day or the other, she would tell my hubby about it and she would make the whole incident more spicy( by adding comments that I would have never said).

I tell you a recent incident- One morning I had to go out for some important work and my MIL asked me to wash a sari when I was getting ready( she has some back problem, so she can't sit on the bathroom- floor and the sari was expensive so it had to be hand wahsed), so I told her politely that I would do so in the evening since I was already late at that time. She said okay- ( I had washed her expensive clothes even in the past many times, so it wasn't new to me). In the evening, I reached home a little late and was pretty tired, so I thought to make tea for myself and told my MIL that I would wash her Sari after having tea- to this she didn't give me any response. Around that time my FIL got back home from somewhere ( we could hear the car's horn)- so I went outside to open the garage door, by the time I came inside the house I saw my MIL washing the sari, sitting on the bathroom floor - to see this I was very surprised and I said ki \";mummy ji aap kyon wash kar rahi hain...mein kar doongi... and then my FIL came there -to see his wife sitting on the floor and washing the sari... he got so upset and asked her why was she doing so...You know what my MIL replied to my FIL- she said\"; humari bahu ko to fursat hai nahi apne kaam se...meri aadat nahi ki 10 baar ek hi kaam ke liye bolu, itni bhi boodhi nahi hui ki apne kaam na kar saku\"; ..in short my FIL got the impression that my MIL asked me to wash the sari several times and I didn't listen to her- and here I was shocked to see my MIL's changing behavior...I tried explaining to them...but they didn't listen to me. And then see my MIL's smartness- she says to my FIL-\"; mujhe to aadat ho gayi hai, aap kuch mat bolo bahu ko....ye to mamooli baaten hain, roz hoti hain\";...to hear this my FIL tells me- see how understanding your MIL is...inspite of your rudeness she is being nice to you and asking me not to scold you !!! And then they told the same story to my hubby. Now I have figured out how smart she is- she knows how to twist the facts and how to win the sympathy of her husband & her son. And the sad part is that my hubby dear does believe her story :(.

I have the same complaint against my hubby that if he can't correct his mom-dad's mistakes , atleast admit it...but NO...I guess men have big ego, and to some extent they are under pressure as well....If I think from their view point...I see the reason ...afterall they are his parents...why would he accept their mistake...but on the other hand, he has some responsibility towards me also. I am not asking him to fight with his mom-dad for me, all I want is they should realize that they are not perfect and they have been wrong in the past. I know for sure that if I had been in my husband's place I would have corrected my parents' mistake if they were really rude to my partner. I am not saying that I would fight with my parents for my spouse, but I would atleast talk to them & make them realize their mistake.

I too tried my level best to impress my in-laws in the first 2 years of my marriage.. ..all in vain. Now I have concluded that it is impossible to please my in-laws...and I concluded this not on the basis of my personal experience but I have seen them dealing with others also....many of their relatives are good to them, but my in-laws never leave a chance to make fun of them.

My MIL- FIL both have made many such statements in the past,which I am not able to interpret it properly- I try to find something good out of it ... I tell myself that they must have said so jokingly...but it hurts when you hear such things repeatedly and they have no idea what pain their comments are causing to us ! Sometimes I think I must tell them clearly if something hurts me so that they are careful next time.

These days I try to avoid discussing this issue with my hubby ...I have stopped telling him what his mom-dad said to me. I know it only causes tension and makes things worse....but the problem is my in-laws don't realize this. They don't hesitate to talk ill of me to their son. They are 60 plus, but the way they badmouth about me is shocking. And to top of this-my MIL has even LIED to her son( my hubby)- just to prove herself right- can you imagine girls? My MIL even made some false stories about me and I was literally shocked to hear that, since I had never imagined that she could even lie to prove me wrong. I understand that sometimes misinterpretation, misunderstaing and miscommunication happen...but what should one do if the opposite party starts telling lies and making up stories ?? I think she is hell bent to prove that I am WRONG and she is RIGHT.

At our in-laws's age, one expects some dignity & modesty from them....they should set some examples so that one can look upon them as a role model....but I am sorry to acknowledge that my in-laws have left such a bad impression on my mind, that I can never forget. They might not realize one thing that by crticizing their DIL's actions, by talking bad about her , that too with their own SON, they are loosing the respect, love & affection which they othwerise deserve as \";Saas-Sasur\";. In my opinion, they are so engrossed to prove themselves right that they are not even aware of the fact that they may ruin their own son's married life....and in the whole process their own blood ( their son) might get HURT badly.

Sorry everyone...I didn't realize that I have written such a long story...but I still have many things to say. Sorry again rajsneesh rai replied. This situation is all too common among Indian MIL'S. First of all, don't EVER let your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL's comments get to you. You all have to remind yourselves that you are capable, intelligent women who DON'T have to put up with other people's ill treatment. Your MIL probably doesn't work, so she has nothing better to do than meddle in everyone else's lives and try to cause conflicts. If she says anything rude to you in person, you need to call her on it immediately...You don't have to be rude in return but clafify exactly what she meant by her statement. Just say, \";Excuse me, but I don't understand what you mean, could you please clarify that for me?\"; If MIL says something nasty about your new hair cut, your new car, your cooking, just LAUGH it off. Literally start laughing out loud and she will see that her comments won't get to you and they will stop eventually. When I first met my MIL, she wasn't too happy with me because I wasn't the same race as my husband and his family. (Indian) I refused to let their racist comments get to me and I stood up for myself. If MIL tried to boss me around and run things in my house, I put my foot down and did things the way I believe they should be done, because after all, it IS my house! I would always be kind, and smile and listen to whatever they had to say, then I would turn around and do whatever I was going to do in the first place. Eventually, the family accepted me and began to love me. Why? Because respect is EARNED, and you earn respect from other people by FIRST respecting yourself. Don't ask your husband to help you, this is something that you can do on your own. You are NOT disrespecting your inlaws by standing up for yourself, you are simply asking for the respect that you deserve. When I first got married, we lived with my MIL and FIL in their home and I never thought things would change, I was so unhappy at first. Then I realized that if I don't speak up and respect myself, they would never respect me either. Keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and things will begin to look up soon. Hang in there! geeta rai replied. So true dear...I can very well relate to you. My hubby too is a nice man and I love him dearly , but when it comes to his mom-dad, my mood gets spoiled. My hubby has a blind faith over his mother, he doesn't want to accept the fact that she can be wrong & unreasonable at times. He always defends her by saying that I must be mistaken- she(his mom) must have done it unknownigly...she can't hurt anyone deliberately blah blah. But If I do/say something without any wrong intentions, my in-laws would create a scene. They would immediately start blaming me, my family & my upbringing- tell me won't it hurt me ? They have said such things about me to my husband that I had never ever imagined in my dreams.

My MIL is a very dominating and controlling woman and I can see that clearly the way my FIL obeys her orders. If someone talks to my MIL, she comes across as a liberal woman, but when you look at her actions, she is the most self centered and conservative lady. Her words and actions are totally opposite. She would preach others on how to be modern and respect other's privacy- but would want to know every little detail about her son's married life, even the intimate details. She is always ready to find faults in others . Whenever she passes sarcarstic & rude comments to me - I try to tell myself that I should not mis-interpret them and I shouldn't mind....but the point is that one can ignore such taunts once, twice or may be thrice...not EVERYTIME !! It sucks...back of the mind I always think about what she said/did in the past. But hubby dear doesn't see how hurt I feel due to his mom's unpleasant remarks- and beacuse of this stress & depression, I have had many physical problems as well. I always have to smile & follow her instructions- if I fail to do so then I have to be ready to welcome another argument/fight.....beacuse one day or the other, she would tell my hubby about it and she would make the whole incident more spicy( by adding comments that I would have never said).

I tell you a recent incident- One morning I had to go out for some important work and my MIL asked me to wash a sari when I was getting ready( she has some back problem, so she can't sit on the bathroom- floor and the sari was expensive so it had to be hand wahsed), so I told her politely that I would do so in the evening since I was already late at that time. She said okay- ( I had washed her expensive clothes even in the past many times, so it wasn't new to me). In the evening, I reached home a little late and was pretty tired, so I thought to make tea for myself and told my MIL that I would wash her Sari after having tea- to this she didn't give me any response. Around that time my FIL got back home from somewhere ( we could hear the car's horn)- so I went outside to open the garage door, by the time I came inside the house I saw my MIL washing the sari, sitting on the bathroom floor - to see this I was very surprised and I said ki \";mummy ji aap kyon wash kar rahi hain...mein kar doongi... and then my FIL came there -to see his wife sitting on the floor and washing the sari... he got so upset and asked her why was she doing so...You know what my MIL replied to my FIL- she said\"; humari bahu ko to fursat hai nahi apne kaam se...meri aadat nahi ki 10 baar ek hi kaam ke liye bolu, itni bhi boodhi nahi hui ki apne kaam na kar saku\"; ..in short my FIL got the impression that my MIL asked me to wash the sari several times and I didn't listen to her- and here I was shocked to see my MIL's changing behavior...I tried explaining to them...but they didn't listen to me. And then see my MIL's smartness- she says to my FIL-\"; mujhe to aadat ho gayi hai, aap kuch mat bolo bahu ko....ye to mamooli baaten hain, roz hoti hain\";...to hear this my FIL tells me- see how understanding your MIL is...inspite of your rudeness she is being nice to you and asking me not to scold you !!! And then they told the same story to my hubby. Now I have figured out how smart she is- she knows how to twist the facts and how to win the sympathy of her husband & her son. And the sad part is that my hubby dear does believe her story :(.

I have the same complaint against my hubby that if he can't correct his mom-dad's mistakes , atleast admit it...but NO...I guess men have big ego, and to some extent they are under pressure as well....If I think from their view point...I see the reason ...afterall they are his parents...why would he accept their mistake...but on the other hand, he has some responsibility towards me also. I am not asking him to fight with his mom-dad for me, all I want is they should realize that they are not perfect and they have been wrong in the past. I know for sure that if I had been in my husband's place I would have corrected my parents' mistake if they were really rude to my partner. I am not saying that I would fight with my parents for my spouse, but I would atleast talk to them & make them realize their mistake.

I too tried my level best to impress my in-laws in the first 2 years of my marriage.. ..all in vain. Now I have concluded that it is impossible to please my in-laws...and I concluded this not on the basis of my personal experience but I have seen them dealing with others also....many of their relatives are good to them, but my in-laws never leave a chance to make fun of them.

My MIL- FIL both have made many such statements in the past,which I am not able to interpret it properly- I try to find something good out of it ... I tell myself that they must have said so jokingly...but it hurts when you hear such things repeatedly and they have no idea what pain their comments are causing to us ! Sometimes I think I must tell them clearly if something hurts me so that they are careful next time.

These days I try to avoid discussing this issue with my hubby ...I have stopped telling him what his mom-dad said to me. I know it only causes tension and makes things worse....but the problem is my in-laws don't realize this. They don't hesitate to talk ill of me to their son. They are 60 plus, but the way they badmouth about me is shocking. And to top of this-my MIL has even LIED to her son( my hubby)- just to prove herself right- can you imagine girls? My MIL even made some false stories about me and I was literally shocked to hear that, since I had never imagined that she could even lie to prove me wrong. I understand that sometimes misinterpretation, misunderstaing and miscommunication happen...but what should one do if the opposite party starts telling lies and making up stories ?? I think she is hell bent to prove that I am WRONG and she is RIGHT.

At our in-laws's age, one expects some dignity & modesty from them....they should set some examples so that one can look upon them as a role model....but I am sorry to acknowledge that my in-laws have left such a bad impression on my mind, that I can never forget. They might not realize one thing that by crticizing their DIL's actions, by talking bad about her , that too with their own SON, they are loosing the respect, love & affection which they othwerise deserve as \";Saas-Sasur\";. In my opinion, they are so engrossed to prove themselves right that they are not even aware of the fact that they may ruin their own son's married life....and in the whole process their own blood ( their son) might get HURT badly.

Sorry everyone...I didn't realize that I have written such a long story...but I still have many things to say. Sorry again.

sneha srivastava replied. hi

Hope god gives you strength and wisdom to cope with ur problems

This situation is all too common among Indian MIL'S. First of all, don't EVER let your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL's comments get to you. You all have to remind yourselves that you are capable, intelligent women who DON'T have to put up with other people's ill treatment. Your MIL probably doesn't work, so she has nothing better to do than meddle in everyone else's lives and try to cause conflicts. If she says anything rude to you in person, you need to call her on it immediately...You don't have to be rude in return but clafify exactly what she meant by her statement. Just say, \";Excuse me, but I don't understand what you mean, could you please clarify that for me?\"; If MIL says something nasty about your new hair cut, your new car, your cooking, just LAUGH it off. Literally start laughing out loud and she will see that her comments won't get to you and they will stop eventually. When I first met my MIL, she wasn't too happy with me because I wasn't the same race as my husband and his family. (Indian) I refused to let their racist comments get to me and I stood up for myself. If MIL tried to boss me around and run things in my house, I put my foot down and did things the way I believe they should be done, because after all, it IS my house! I would always be kind, and smile and listen to whatever they had to say, then I would turn around and do whatever I was going to do in the first place. Eventually, the family accepted me and began to love me. Why? Because respect is EARNED, and you earn respect from other people by FIRST respecting yourself. Don't ask your husband to help you, this is something that you can do on your own. You are NOT disrespecting your inlaws by standing up for yourself, you are simply asking for the respect that you deserve. When I first got married, we lived with my MIL and FIL in their home and I never thought things would change, I was so unhappy at first. Then I realized that if I don't speak up and respect myself, they would never respect me either. Keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and things will begin to look up soon. Hang in there!


sonali kapoor replied. So true dear...I can very well relate to you. My hubby too is a nice man and I love him dearly , but when it comes to his mom-dad, my mood gets spoiled. My hubby has a blind faith over his mother, he doesn't want to accept the fact that she can be wrong & unreasonable at times. He always defends her by saying that I must be mistaken- she(his mom) must have done it unknownigly...she can't hurt anyone deliberately blah blah. But If I do/say something without any wrong intentions, my in-laws would create a scene. They would immediately start blaming me, my family & my upbringing- tell me won't it hurt me ? They have said such things about me to my husband that I had never ever imagined in my dreams.

My MIL is a very dominating and controlling woman and I can see that clearly the way my FIL obeys her orders. If someone talks to my MIL, she comes across as a liberal woman, but when you look at her actions, she is the most self centered and conservative lady. Her words and actions are totally opposite. She would preach others on how to be modern and respect other's privacy- but would want to know every little detail about her son's married life, even the intimate details. She is always ready to find faults in others . Whenever she passes sarcarstic & rude comments to me - I try to tell myself that I should not mis-interpret them and I shouldn't mind....but the point is that one can ignore such taunts once, twice or may be thrice...not EVERYTIME !! It sucks...back of the mind I always think about what she said/did in the past. But hubby dear doesn't see how hurt I feel due to his mom's unpleasant remarks- and beacuse of this stress & depression, I have had many physical problems as well. I always have to smile & follow her instructions- if I fail to do so then I have to be ready to welcome another argument/fight.....beacuse one day or the other, she would tell my hubby about it and she would make the whole incident more spicy( by adding comments that I would have never said).

I tell you a recent incident- One morning I had to go out for some important work and my MIL asked me to wash a sari when I was getting ready( she has some back problem, so she can't sit on the bathroom- floor and the sari was expensive so it had to be hand wahsed), so I told her politely that I would do so in the evening since I was already late at that time. She said okay- ( I had washed her expensive clothes even in the past many times, so it wasn't new to me). In the evening, I reached home a little late and was pretty tired, so I thought to make tea for myself and told my MIL that I would wash her Sari after having tea- to this she didn't give me any response. Around that time my FIL got back home from somewhere ( we could hear the car's horn)- so I went outside to open the garage door, by the time I came inside the house I saw my MIL washing the sari, sitting on the bathroom floor - to see this I was very surprised and I said ki \";mummy ji aap kyon wash kar rahi hain...mein kar doongi... and then my FIL came there -to see his wife sitting on the floor and washing the sari... he got so upset and asked her why was she doing so...You know what my MIL replied to my FIL- she said\"; humari bahu ko to fursat hai nahi apne kaam se...meri aadat nahi ki 10 baar ek hi kaam ke liye bolu, itni bhi boodhi nahi hui ki apne kaam na kar saku\"; ..in short my FIL got the impression that my MIL asked me to wash the sari several times and I didn't listen to her- and here I was shocked to see my MIL's changing behavior...I tried explaining to them...but they didn't listen to me. And then see my MIL's smartness- she says to my FIL-\"; mujhe to aadat ho gayi hai, aap kuch mat bolo bahu ko....ye to mamooli baaten hain, roz hoti hain\";...to hear this my FIL tells me- see how understanding your MIL is...inspite of your rudeness she is being nice to you and asking me not to scold you !!! And then they told the same story to my hubby. Now I have figured out how smart she is- she knows how to twist the facts and how to win the sympathy of her husband & her son. And the sad part is that my hubby dear does believe her story :(.

I have the same complaint against my hubby that if he can't correct his mom-dad's mistakes , atleast admit it...but NO...I guess men have big ego, and to some extent they are under pressure as well....If I think from their view point...I see the reason ...afterall they are his parents...why would he accept their mistake...but on the other hand, he has some responsibility towards me also. I am not asking him to fight with his mom-dad for me, all I want is they should realize that they are not perfect and they have been wrong in the past. I know for sure that if I had been in my husband's place I would have corrected my parents' mistake if they were really rude to my partner. I am not saying that I would fight with my parents for my spouse, but I would atleast talk to them & make them realize their mistake.

I too tried my level best to impress my in-laws in the first 2 years of my marriage.. ..all in vain. Now I have concluded that it is impossible to please my in-laws...and I concluded this not on the basis of my personal experience but I have seen them dealing with others also....many of their relatives are good to them, but my in-laws never leave a chance to make fun of them.

My MIL- FIL both have made many such statements in the past,which I am not able to interpret it properly- I try to find something good out of it ... I tell myself that they must have said so jokingly...but it hurts when you hear such things repeatedly and they have no idea what pain their comments are causing to us ! Sometimes I think I must tell them clearly if something hurts me so that they are careful next time.

These days I try to avoid discussing this issue with my hubby ...I have stopped telling him what his mom-dad said to me. I know it only causes tension and makes things worse....but the problem is my in-laws don't realize this. They don't hesitate to talk ill of me to their son. They are 60 plus, but the way they badmouth about me is shocking. And to top of this-my MIL has even LIED to her son( my hubby)- just to prove herself right- can you imagine girls? My MIL even made some false stories about me and I was literally shocked to hear that, since I had never imagined that she could even lie to prove me wrong. I understand that sometimes misinterpretation, misunderstaing and miscommunication happen...but what should one do if the opposite party starts telling lies and making up stories ?? I think she is hell bent to prove that I am WRONG and she is RIGHT.

At our in-laws's age, one expects some dignity & modesty from them....they should set some examples so that one can look upon them as a role model....but I am sorry to acknowledge that my in-laws have left such a bad impression on my mind, that I can never forget. They might not realize one thing that by crticizing their DIL's actions, by talking bad about her , that too with their own SON, they are loosing the respect, love & affection which they othwerise deserve as \";Saas-Sasur\";. In my opinion, they are so engrossed to prove themselves right that they are not even aware of the fact that they may ruin their own son's married life....and in the whole process their own blood ( their son) might get HURT badly.

Sorry everyone...I didn't realize that I have written such a long story...but I still have many things to say. Sorry again.

rajneesh rai replied. This situation is all too common among Indian MIL'S. First of all, don't EVER let your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL's comments get to you. You all have to remind yourselves that you are capable, intelligent women who DON'T have to put up with other people's ill treatment. Your MIL probably doesn't work, so she has nothing better to do than meddle in everyone else's lives and try to cause conflicts. If she says anything rude to you in person, you need to call her on it immediately...You don't have to be rude in return but clafify exactly what she meant by her statement. Just say, \";Excuse me, but I don't understand what you mean, could you please clarify that for me?\"; If MIL says something nasty about your new hair cut, your new car, your cooking, just LAUGH it off. Literally start laughing out loud and she will see that her comments won't get to you and they will stop eventually. When I first met my MIL, she wasn't too happy with me because I wasn't the same race as my husband and his family. (Indian) I refused to let their racist comments get to me and I stood up for myself. If MIL tried to boss me around and run things in my house, I put my foot down and did things the way I believe they should be done, because after all, it IS my house! I would always be kind, and smile and listen to whatever they had to say, then I would turn around and do whatever I was going to do in the first place. Eventually, the family accepted me and began to love me. Why? Because respect is EARNED, and you earn respect from other people by FIRST respecting yourself. Don't ask your husband to help you, this is something that you can do on your own. You are NOT disrespecting your inlaws by standing up for yourself, you are simply asking for the respect that you deserve. When I first got married, we lived with my MIL and FIL in their home and I never thought things would change, I was so unhappy at first. Then I realized that if I don't speak up and respect myself, they would never respect me either. Keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and things will begin to look up soon. Hang in there!
geeta rai replied. So true dear...I can very well relate to you. My hubby too is a nice man and I love him dearly , but when it comes to his mom-dad, my mood gets spoiled. My hubby has a blind faith over his mother, he doesn't want to accept the fact that she can be wrong & unreasonable at times. He always defends her by saying that I must be mistaken- she(his mom) must have done it unknownigly...she can't hurt anyone deliberately blah blah. But If I do/say something without any wrong intentions, my in-laws would create a scene. They would immediately start blaming me, my family & my upbringing- tell me won't it hurt me ? They have said such things about me to my husband that I had never ever imagined in my dreams.

My MIL is a very dominating and controlling woman and I can see that clearly the way my FIL obeys her orders. If someone talks to my MIL, she comes across as a liberal woman, but when you look at her actions, she is the most self centered and conservative lady. Her words and actions are totally opposite. She would preach others on how to be modern and respect other's privacy- but would want to know every little detail about her son's married life, even the intimate details. She is always ready to find faults in others . Whenever she passes sarcarstic & rude comments to me - I try to tell myself that I should not mis-interpret them and I shouldn't mind....but the point is that one can ignore such taunts once, twice or may be thrice...not EVERYTIME !! It sucks...back of the mind I always think about what she said/did in the past. But hubby dear doesn't see how hurt I feel due to his mom's unpleasant remarks- and beacuse of this stress & depression, I have had many physical problems as well. I always have to smile & follow her instructions- if I fail to do so then I have to be ready to welcome another argument/fight.....beacuse one day or the other, she would tell my hubby about it and she would make the whole incident more spicy( by adding comments that I would have never said).

I tell you a recent incident- One morning I had to go out for some important work and my MIL asked me to wash a sari when I was getting ready( she has some back problem, so she can't sit on the bathroom- floor and the sari was expensive so it had to be hand wahsed), so I told her politely that I would do so in the evening since I was already late at that time. She said okay- ( I had washed her expensive clothes even in the past many times, so it wasn't new to me). In the evening, I reached home a little late and was pretty tired, so I thought to make tea for myself and told my MIL that I would wash her Sari after having tea- to this she didn't give me any response. Around that time my FIL got back home from somewhere ( we could hear the car's horn)- so I went outside to open the garage door, by the time I came inside the house I saw my MIL washing the sari, sitting on the bathroom floor - to see this I was very surprised and I said ki \";mummy ji aap kyon wash kar rahi hain...mein kar doongi... and then my FIL came there -to see his wife sitting on the floor and washing the sari... he got so upset and asked her why was she doing so...You know what my MIL replied to my FIL- she said\"; humari bahu ko to fursat hai nahi apne kaam se...meri aadat nahi ki 10 baar ek hi kaam ke liye bolu, itni bhi boodhi nahi hui ki apne kaam na kar saku\"; ..in short my FIL got the impression that my MIL asked me to wash the sari several times and I didn't listen to her- and here I was shocked to see my MIL's changing behavior...I tried explaining to them...but they didn't listen to me. And then see my MIL's smartness- she says to my FIL-\"; mujhe to aadat ho gayi hai, aap kuch mat bolo bahu ko....ye to mamooli baaten hain, roz hoti hain\";...to hear this my FIL tells me- see how understanding your MIL is...inspite of your rudeness she is being nice to you and asking me not to scold you !!! And then they told the same story to my hubby. Now I have figured out how smart she is- she knows how to twist the facts and how to win the sympathy of her husband & her son. And the sad part is that my hubby dear does believe her story :(.

I have the same complaint against my hubby that if he can't correct his mom-dad's mistakes , atleast admit it...but NO...I guess men have big ego, and to some extent they are under pressure as well....If I think from their view point...I see the reason ...afterall they are his parents...why would he accept their mistake...but on the other hand, he has some responsibility towards me also. I am not asking him to fight with his mom-dad for me, all I want is they should realize that they are not perfect and they have been wrong in the past. I know for sure that if I had been in my husband's place I would have corrected my parents' mistake if they were really rude to my partner. I am not saying that I would fight with my parents for my spouse, but I would atleast talk to them & make them realize their mistake.

I too tried my level best to impress my in-laws in the first 2 years of my marriage.. ..all in vain. Now I have concluded that it is impossible to please my in-laws...and I concluded this not on the basis of my personal experience but I have seen them dealing with others also....many of their relatives are good to them, but my in-laws never leave a chance to make fun of them.

My MIL- FIL both have made many such statements in the past,which I am not able to interpret it properly- I try to find something good out of it ... I tell myself that they must have said so jokingly...but it hurts when you hear such things repeatedly and they have no idea what pain their comments are causing to us ! Sometimes I think I must tell them clearly if something hurts me so that they are careful next time.

These days I try to avoid discussing this issue with my hubby ...I have stopped telling him what his mom-dad said to me. I know it only causes tension and makes things worse....but the problem is my in-laws don't realize this. They don't hesitate to talk ill of me to their son. They are 60 plus, but the way they badmouth about me is shocking. And to top of this-my MIL has even LIED to her son( my hubby)- just to prove herself right- can you imagine girls? My MIL even made some false stories about me and I was literally shocked to hear that, since I had never imagined that she could even lie to prove me wrong. I understand that sometimes misinterpretation, misunderstaing and miscommunication happen...but what should one do if the opposite party starts telling lies and making up stories ?? I think she is hell bent to prove that I am WRONG and she is RIGHT.

At our in-laws's age, one expects some dignity & modesty from them....they should set some examples so that one can look upon them as a role model....but I am sorry to acknowledge that my in-laws have left such a bad impression on my mind, that I can never forget. They might not realize one thing that by crticizing their DIL's actions, by talking bad about her , that too with their own SON, they are loosing the respect, love & affection which they othwerise deserve as \";Saas-Sasur\";. In my opinion, they are so engrossed to prove themselves right that they are not even aware of the fact that they may ruin their own son's married life....and in the whole process their own blood ( their son) might get HURT badly.

Sorry everyone...I didn't realize that I have written such a long story...but I still have many things to say. Sorry again.
sneha srivastava replied. hi

Hope god gives you strength and wisdom to cope with ur problems

This situation is all too common among Indian MIL'S. First of all, don't EVER let your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL's comments get to you. You all have to remind yourselves that you are capable, intelligent women who DON'T have to put up with other people's ill treatment. Your MIL probably doesn't work, so she has nothing better to do than meddle in everyone else's lives and try to cause conflicts. If she says anything rude to you in person, you need to call her on it immediately...You don't have to be rude in return but clafify exactly what she meant by her statement. Just say, \";Excuse me, but I don't understand what you mean, could you please clarify that for me?\"; If MIL says something nasty about your new hair cut, your new car, your cooking, just LAUGH it off. Literally start laughing out loud and she will see that her comments won't get to you and they will stop eventually. When I first met my MIL, she wasn't too happy with me because I wasn't the same race as my husband and his family. (Indian) I refused to let their racist comments get to me and I stood up for myself. If MIL tried to boss me around and run things in my house, I put my foot down and did things the way I believe they should be done, because after all, it IS my house! I would always be kind, and smile and listen to whatever they had to say, then I would turn around and do whatever I was going to do in the first place. Eventually, the family accepted me and began to love me. Why? Because respect is EARNED, and you earn respect from other people by FIRST respecting yourself. Don't ask your husband to help you, this is something that you can do on your own. You are NOT disrespecting your inlaws by standing up for yourself, you are simply asking for the respect that you deserve. When I first got married, we lived with my MIL and FIL in their home and I never thought things would change, I was so unhappy at first. Then I realized that if I don't speak up and respect myself, they would never respect me either. Keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and things will begin to look up soon. Hang in there!
Q replied. Hi all!

Goot comments, great suggestions. i keep check ing these forums for some good a to know problems which others advice and get to know others problems.

Of late i have seen cuss-words on the rise, which wasnt the case earlier. I think it wont take long for the whole thing t spiral and become a MIL FIL bashing forum. most of us come here to take the heat of and to get some advice. Lets not get bad-wordy and keep the sanctity of the forum. I knwo you have been hurt so much but no point cussing in public huh?

lets refrain. Pratibha replied. It is such a great thing to have all the daughter in laws still find positive and God thru their dark and bleak days.
Whether or not husbands are good, supportive but our love for them does not recede.
We dont do bad things or initiate. We hope that our good deeds will help God give justice to us.
It is weird and scary to see you at some points all our stories match so much. Lies from inlaws, trying to be good in front of sons and nasty to us behind their back, husbands not believing our versions..
Even if we would be in US, friends in India think that our lives are so good to be far from inlaws but they dont understand how inlaws get more desperate bcoz of distance and act worse during their trips or on phone. Anyway dont loose faith and trust in yourself and God. loving DIL replied. This situation is all too common among Indian MIL'S. First of all, don't EVER let your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL's comments get to you. You all have to remind yourselves that you are capable, intelligent women who DON'T have to put up with other people's ill treatment. Your MIL probably doesn't work, so she has nothing better to do than meddle in everyone else's lives and try to cause conflicts. If she says anything rude to you in person, you need to call her on it immediately...You don't have to be rude in return but clafify exactly what she meant by her statement. Just say, \";Excuse me, but I don't understand what you mean, could you please clarify that for me?\"; If MIL says something nasty about your new hair cut, your new car, your cooking, just LAUGH it off. Literally start laughing out loud and she will see that her comments won't get to you and they will stop eventually. When I first met my MIL, she wasn't too happy with me because I wasn't the same race as my husband and his family. (Indian) I refused to let their racist comments get to me and I stood up for myself. If MIL tried to boss me around and run things in my house, I put my foot down and did things the way I believe they should be done, because after all, it IS my house! I would always be kind, and smile and listen to whatever they had to say, then I would turn around and do whatever I was going to do in the first place. Eventually, the family accepted me and began to love me. Why? Because respect is EARNED, and you earn respect from other people by FIRST respecting yourself. Don't ask your husband to help you, this is something that you can do on your own. You are NOT disrespecting your inlaws by standing up for yourself, you are simply asking for the respect that you deserve. When I first got married, we lived with my MIL and FIL in their home and I never thought things would change, I was so unhappy at first. Then I realized that if I don't speak up and respect myself, they would never respect me either. Keep a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and things will begin to look up soon. Hang in there! bahu replied. So true dear...I can very well relate to you. My hubby too is a nice man and I love him dearly , but when it comes to his mom-dad, my mood gets spoiled. My hubby has a blind faith over his mother, he doesn't want to accept the fact that she can be wrong & unreasonable at times. He always defends her by saying that I must be mistaken- she(his mom) must have done it unknownigly...she can't hurt anyone deliberately blah blah. But If I do/say something without any wrong intentions, my in-laws would create a scene. They would immediately start blaming me, my family & my upbringing- tell me won't it hurt me ? They have said such things about me to my husband that I had never ever imagined in my dreams.

My MIL is a very dominating and controlling woman and I can see that clearly the way my FIL obeys her orders. If someone talks to my MIL, she comes across as a liberal woman, but when you look at her actions, she is the most self centered and conservative lady. Her words and actions are totally opposite. She would preach others on how to be modern and respect other's privacy- but would want to know every little detail about her son's married life, even the intimate details. She is always ready to find faults in others . Whenever she passes sarcarstic & rude comments to me - I try to tell myself that I should not mis-interpret them and I shouldn't mind....but the point is that one can ignore such taunts once, twice or may be thrice...not EVERYTIME !! It sucks...back of the mind I always think about what she said/did in the past. But hubby dear doesn't see how hurt I feel due to his mom's unpleasant remarks- and beacuse of this stress & depression, I have had many physical problems as well. I always have to smile & follow her instructions- if I fail to do so then I have to be ready to welcome another argument/fight.....beacuse one day or the other, she would tell my hubby about it and she would make the whole incident more spicy( by adding comments that I would have never said).

I tell you a recent incident- One morning I had to go out for some important work and my MIL asked me to wash a sari when I was getting ready( she has some back problem, so she can't sit on the bathroom- floor and the sari was expensive so it had to be hand wahsed), so I told her politely that I would do so in the evening since I was already late at that time. She said okay- ( I had washed her expensive clothes even in the past many times, so it wasn't new to me). In the evening, I reached home a little late and was pretty tired, so I thought to make tea for myself and told my MIL that I would wash her Sari after having tea- to this she didn't give me any response. Around that time my FIL got back home from somewhere ( we could hear the car's horn)- so I went outside to open the garage door, by the time I came inside the house I saw my MIL washing the sari, sitting on the bathroom floor - to see this I was very surprised and I said ki \";mummy ji aap kyon wash kar rahi hain...mein kar doongi... and then my FIL came there -to see his wife sitting on the floor and washing the sari... he got so upset and asked her why was she doing so...You know what my MIL replied to my FIL- she said\"; humari bahu ko to fursat hai nahi apne kaam se...meri aadat nahi ki 10 baar ek hi kaam ke liye bolu, itni bhi boodhi nahi hui ki apne kaam na kar saku\"; ..in short my FIL got the impression that my MIL asked me to wash the sari several times and I didn't listen to her- and here I was shocked to see my MIL's changing behavior...I tried explaining to them...but they didn't listen to me. And then see my MIL's smartness- she says to my FIL-\"; mujhe to aadat ho gayi hai, aap kuch mat bolo bahu ko....ye to mamooli baaten hain, roz hoti hain\";...to hear this my FIL tells me- see how understanding your MIL is...inspite of your rudeness she is being nice to you and asking me not to scold you !!! And then they told the same story to my hubby. Now I have figured out how smart she is- she knows how to twist the facts and how to win the sympathy of her husband & her son. And the sad part is that my hubby dear does believe her story :(.

I have the same complaint against my hubby that if he can't correct his mom-dad's mistakes , atleast admit it...but NO...I guess men have big ego, and to some extent they are under pressure as well....If I think from their view point...I see the reason ...afterall they are his parents...why would he accept their mistake...but on the other hand, he has some responsibility towards me also. I am not asking him to fight with his mom-dad for me, all I want is they should realize that they are not perfect and they have been wrong in the past. I know for sure that if I had been in my husband's place I would have corrected my parents' mistake if they were really rude to my partner. I am not saying that I would fight with my parents for my spouse, but I would atleast talk to them & make them realize their mistake.

I too tried my level best to impress my in-laws in the first 2 years of my marriage.. ..all in vain. Now I have concluded that it is impossible to please my in-laws...and I concluded this not on the basis of my personal experience but I have seen them dealing with others also....many of their relatives are good to them, but my in-laws never leave a chance to make fun of them.

My MIL- FIL both have made many such statements in the past,which I am not able to interpret it properly- I try to find something good out of it ... I tell myself that they must have said so jokingly...but it hurts when you hear such things repeatedly and they have no idea what pain their comments are causing to us ! Sometimes I think I must tell them clearly if something hurts me so that they are careful next time.

These days I try to avoid discussing this issue with my hubby ...I have stopped telling him what his mom-dad said to me. I know it only causes tension and makes things worse....but the problem is my in-laws don't realize this. They don't hesitate to talk ill of me to their son. They are 60 plus, but the way they badmouth about me is shocking. And to top of this-my MIL has even LIED to her son( my hubby)- just to prove herself right- can you imagine girls? My MIL even made some false stories about me and I was literally shocked to hear that, since I had never imagined that she could even lie to prove me wrong. I understand that sometimes misinterpretation, misunderstaing and miscommunication happen...but what should one do if the opposite party starts telling lies and making up stories ?? I think she is hell bent to prove that I am WRONG and she is RIGHT.

At our in-laws's age, one expects some dignity & modesty from them....they should set some examples so that one can look upon them as a role model....but I am sorry to acknowledge that my in-laws have left such a bad impression on my mind, that I can never forget. They might not realize one thing that by crticizing their DIL's actions, by talking bad about her , that too with their own SON, they are loosing the respect, love & affection which they othwerise deserve as \";Saas-Sasur\";. In my opinion, they are so engrossed to prove themselves right that they are not even aware of the fact that they may ruin their own son's married life....and in the whole process their own blood ( their son) might get HURT badly.

Sorry everyone...I didn't realize that I have written such a long story...but I still have many things to say. Sorry again. soul replied. hello.. i have a similar experience to you. My in-laws live about 1 hour away from me. And usually I have a good relationship with my husband, however, each time his mother says something, he never stands up to me. IT's so pathetic and makes me really angry. I have been married just 2 years... But I like your attitude, where you realse that you dont have to spend a lot of time thinking about her ! Its true - they do this only bcoz they are jelous of the good relationship we have with our hubbies... I drive myself mad thinking about my MIL and her different ways she wants to plot and ruin my marriage, but I guess it's not worth it at all...