Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I really don't know where to start and I know this is a strange situation. Hopefully you will have some advice for me. I have 2 children (from my first husband) and I am expecting a third soon to my new husband. I don't know if I will sound petty but some things have been bothering me and I wondered if by sharing these worries and doubts you might be able to help me out in decifering those which are silly and helping me to see a way to correct the problems that need to be addressed.

Basicly my husband came to live with us as I had children and an established home so it seemed the best decision. Since then I am financially responsible for ALL our living costs, home, food, utilities... Each and every bill for the running of this home I pay for. My hubby works in a good job but I know his income is slightly over 3 times what I earn. His family worry about how much he spends on 'raising my family' but he doesn't tell them that it is WE who totally support him. Every cent he earns he keeps. Also he does not help with house work in anyway, that is all my responsibility and I do it all alone.

I think he should take an active role in raising my children, or I assumed so. I know I would happily take on the role of step parent in his position but he seems to only want this in theory. He offers no help at bathtime or bed time. No help with homework or even an offer to play games with the kids. Half the time the kids are ignored by him. This bothers me, I feel he should be taking some kind of initiative in trying to be a parent to my children especially now that we've one of our own on the way. I dont mean to say he should replace their dad but shouldn't he be acting in a similar way to a father?

This is really bugging me. Am I being silly? I spent $1000 buying everything we need for the new baby, toys, bottles, nappies, clothes, cot, pram,car seat etc and he's not contributed anything to the costs. He buys things like mag wheels for his car, computer things like a new lap top (he has a desk top also) mobile phones (he now has 3 top of the range phones and a PDA to link them all) and other 'boys toys'. I buy the childrens presents for birthdays and christmas and he does not get them anything.

I tried talking with him about helping out but he says he must pay his aunt back for some money he borrowed from her. The amount was small just over $3000 and with his wage and the fact he has NO expenses it should have taken him no more than one month to have that amount saved. I dont like this post sounding like its all about money money money but it is a bit of a problem. By the time I pay the bills and such I have no money left for savings at all and I think that if he would just help a little I would feel better. If he can't help now and if I am unable to save anything for a rainy day or the kids future what will happen if there is a financial emergency??

I have been sick recently and I've been too busy to get to the doctors. I do not sleep well as I am coughing all night and breathing is very difficult. I had an asthma attck the other day and was rushed to the doc who then suggested I be admitted to hospital as I have a bad case of pneumonia and being heavily pregnant has made the doctor worry all the more for my health.

My husband STILL does not help with the kids. I was so sick that I couldn't even make them breakfast friday morning so my 7 year old made a sandwich for him and his younger sibling. Hubby decided he needed sleep in. But when hubby had a head cold recently and that is all it was, he stayed in bed a week and I had to bring him food and drink and even prepare his bath. I am on a lot of medication to try to treat the asthma and pneumonia but I am tired and run down, one side effect of the asthma drug is vomiting and when I was in the bathroom being sick I called to hubby as I wanted some help. I was wearing only a towel (i'd just showered) and bearly managed to call his name out in between being sick, coughing and trying to catch a breath... I wanted him to close the door for me because the kids were really upset seeing me like that and I just couldn't get up to do it myself. Hubby was playing around with his computer and told me I would have to wait until he finished installing new softwear!!!!

I have tried talking to him and his response is that it takes time for everyone to learn their place and how to fit in. He is trying to do that and he will work harder but there is never ever any change. He does what he likes, goes where he likes, buys what he likes and contributes absolutely nothing to this home. I see no benifit in him being here aside from having an extra mouth to feed and extra clothes to wash. But he says I am not looking at things right...

I feel like I am going insane. Am I being every bit the selfish woman he says I am or is he selfish like I believe. Comments? Advice? Thoughts? Help? Anything you can offer me would be so appreciated. How do I deal with this? He just is never there when I need him. He goes on and on how he took me for an ultrasound recently for our baby to be, which he says should show me HOW VALUABLE HE IS TO THIS FAMILY, and really i can't see how it was that taxing for him. When I had the asthma attack the other day he didn't take me to the docs, NO! He was 'busy' so a friend took me. I feel let down in so many ways.

It is like he has gone from being a child of his parents to something like being my own child to raise and with none of the cuteness. There is no equality here, if something needs doing I must get it done because he wont. I just can not live like this. If he is not at work he is off in the room playing with his computers or phones or watching movies, so we don't really notice if he is here or not. I asked him tonight to move out. I said that he needs to do some growing and that it just is not happening here.

I hope that if he goes he will realise what it is he expects from our family. If he wants to be a part of it than he needs to fuction with in it and be an active member rather than someone who lives here free of cost and acts like he is a cherished guest of a hotel. I just don't know what else to do. I've spoken to him gently, I've written him letters, I've suggested, coaxed, begged, cried, pleaded and even lost my temper and raised my voice. I cant do any more.... I just cant. ruchika seth replied.

DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myslef in life.

infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....

first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";

secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)

We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)

In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)

Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.

The list is endless....

But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?

we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....

my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....

who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.

all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..

no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.

ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act

remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???

we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woman should behave...ladies read it...and know how respected are we in the indian culture

aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.

what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY

i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change

but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowedto sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if yuo fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....

at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....

PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets strat something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?

i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";.... scared wife replied. Hi All,

Thanks for the advise you have given me. All marriages have their problems especially early on while trying to get to know each other fully. I feel quite emotional and think that is due in part to the pregnancy but I do believe that we have problems that must be corrected now before its too late. Why allow resentment to turn into hate?

At the moment my husband is no longer living here, I have given many second chances but as soon as he thinks he can stay he changes back to what he was so I insisted he go. We're talking a lot about what we each want from the marriage and he seems to be changing. He wants to come home but I am just waiting until he is certain, it is too soon for decisions.

I didn't mean to complain heavily about the financial side of things and yes I can support us on my income comfortably but I do think saving is important. I wouldn't mind if I kept paying the expenses if only he would save for our future rather than wasting his pay on gadgets. I thank you all for the time you gave to my problems and appreciate your help. I'm coping quite well with the situation at hand and feel very relaxed no matter what the future holds. no more insanity replied. It sounds like your husband has turned into a nightmare. What a spoiled, selfish, asshole. It is your house right? Time for some ultimatums! First of all, he is going to start contributing 50% of his paychecks to YOUR bank account to cover household and misc. expenses. Secondly, he will either take an active part in a)helping with the children's bathing, feeding, homework, bedtime, or b)household chores, all cleaning and laundry, or c) pay for a nanny or housekeeper if he is too lazy to do it himself. Be strong, girl. You must give him this ultimatum or he will never respect you and you will be his slave for life. If he doesn't comply, WHILE HE IS AT WORK-gather all his belongings and clothes and pack them into plastic bags, call a locksmith and have him change all the locks on the house so your husband has no way of getting back in. Then call him and tell him that you are filing for divorce and he can pick up his belongings but isn't welcome back into the house. HE can worry about where he is going to stay. And trust me, he will be fine, he is a big boy, and don't feel sorry for him when he tells you he has no place to go. All you are to tell him is that it is over and you have given him enough chances. Then, file for divorce and sue him for spousal and child support. The money you get from spousal and child support will be enough to help you out financially after you have the baby. It is time to stand up on your own two feet, sister. I had to do this when my husband turned into a selfish asshole, and I am glad I divorced him because now I am a happy single parent, my kids are happy, I am stress free because I have lost that huge burden of taking care of that huge child that I used to be married to. Be strong, you CAN do this. sujata replied. RR is right. Give him tit for tat. Make him feel what he makes you feel. Slowly things will turn around (i.e. if you still love him). I spent a long time doing that. I was also like you doing all the time, and he was lazy, and would'nt help. Slowly even I started started saying no. He also started to feel he cannot take me for granted. He has to contribute to the house and your common kid, no questions about that. prumessence replied. Dear friend,
You are pregnant. You need all the rest you can find. Cant you take a break every now and then and goto your parents place?
You have to sit him down and give him an ultimatum. Either he grows up or moves out.
Tell him that he is not another kid and cannot expect for your kids to take care of him. He is the eldest in this house and has to contribute financially and physically. Ask him that if he wants to prove himself start by paying his share and more towards himself,wife and baby if not other kids.
And as for you: think hard. What impression will your elder kids have of you? You will have a big effect on the kind of people they will turn out to be.Stand up for yourself and kids. If you cant manage for sometime, send them for boarding school for a year or 2 get things in order and then bring them home.
You cannot be the reason why your kids are confused for life.They will blame you for everything inspite of all you do. God give you courage.