Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

DIL and IN LAWS....a never ending epic
blessed are those who get to meet a real father and real mother after their marriage, i mean the FIL and MIL.
but wht about us...........how many times do we need to repeat our story. one new page every couple of days.......my MIL tried to demean my parents, never satisfied with the gifts, husband doesnt undrrstand my viewpoint and so on. sometimes i feel that i might be wrong as my hubby is not that stupid that i've to explain the same points to him time and again. may be.....i doubt myself now.

this is a great forum. atleast we all can once throw the whole shit out of our mind atleast once if not for ever. today i feel like bursting out my feelings and then if some of u can guide me if i am suffering or i'm making mu husband suffer because of me?
1. my parents dont have a car till date but they gifted Zen in my marriage
2. they gave maximum possible gold that a baby boy could get on his birth, but there came a comment....... \";bister (bedding) to sirf do(2) hi hai\";
3. i took a leave of 20 days for my marriage and here i'm joining back a part time job after 2 1/2 years of my marriage
4. my brother got my favorte vegetable cooked by my mother for me and my MIL told him \";hamare pass itne paise hai ke uska (mine) jo mann karega hum khila denge\";
5. see u've 4 suits for iron in this week's laundry. so extravagnt u are. (total bill for family was for 150 rs.)
6. sitting at home, not doing job. used to call my friends to know how theywere doing and they also used to call up. MIL says, \";phone to tere liye khilona(toy) hai, kabhi bhi kitna bhi helo\";

7. 8. 9. goes on man. its suffocating now

My husband says \";those who want to remain sad always look out for ways to remain so. it is ur habbit now. always keep fault finding in my parents as if they have done nothing good for u\";

TELL ME WHT TO DO FAST OR ELSE I FEEL LIKE ENDING ALL THIS BY PUTTING AN END TO MYSELF. be self reliant girls replied. DEAR LADIES, i read thru most of ur msgs. and I have heard all the sad realities of my married friends, my relatives, have exeprienced atrocities myself in life.

infact, for a long time, i wanted to do something for uplifment of women in our society....i still am thinking how to do it.....need views of ALL the women here...who truly feel that their position in this world is pathetic....

first of all, we all know that \";aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai\";

secondly, we all know that husbands behave differently when they are with their parents or relatives (they can be very nice with you in their absence, but something really goes wrong with them when they are around their parents)

We also know that every girl is happy before marriage, and never after ( yes...i mean it...all of them are unhappy)

In our society, subtle but really strategically smart rules are taught to us right from birth... to turn us into what we are....and hence, easily rule on us (a girl should be a good cook, a good housekeeper, a devoted mother and wife, \";aadmi ke dil ka raasta hai uska pet....a woman should be like a mother to her husband in the day and a prostitute in the night....husband ke hi kushi main aurat ki khushi hai...pati devta hota hai, pati poojniya hai\";.... forgiving and patient hona chahiye...bado se zabaan nahi ladaate....blah...blah)

Wives are actually glorified maids and prostitutes, who take care of the house, be emotional support for husbands, take care of children (we build the society), and give physical pleasure to husbands.

The list is endless....

But have we ever stopped and wondered why is our situation so? Why are there certain \";done things\"; for women, certain roles only for us, certain duties, restrictions, blah blah only for us....its coz we have allowed everyone to take us for granted...our ever-sweet, forgiving and patient nature is the cause.....and the biggest cause is....that we females are not united...we have been brainwashed right from childhood...we and boys are raised differently for a reason....and we never question that?

we just fight our own individual battles, are unnsuccessful...and then....when it comes to torment another woman, we don't remember what we had gone through, we don't support them...but we suddenly transform into the ever so notoriously evil...\";mother in laws\"; and \";sister in laws\";....

my point is....we need to raise woman's social position in our society...our position is really really lowly and pathetic....

who decided that its a woman's job alone to take care of the house, the kids, the meals, the daily chores, the 'bahu' work and traditions?? But we all accept it the as a \";god-given law\";...that's our fault.

all the women, be it the poorest to the richest...are discriminated against..

no wonder...when it is heard that a girl was raped coz she was walking all alone on the streets at night (whatever the time)...or that she was wearing an inviting dress...its said....\";so what else was she expecting??\";...why aren't our sons trained the other way round...why do they think its their right to pounce on a girl since she has broken the \";code\"; ...and we are allowed to be on a junglee prowl....? and rapes don't happen only in the day time....we have raised our sons and daughters wrong....absolutely wrong....by telling themthe same 'dakiyanoosi' society rules etc...unknowinlgy, we are carrying on with the tradition of women sorrows.

ladies...none of us are safe...that includes the daughters you'll give birth to...they too would have to bear the same atrocities like us and like the past women generations....if we don't act

remember....women are the ones who make a society... if you look carefully, you'll know its a fact.....(we give birth, we take care of the child, we impart first social virtues and values to our children, they learn from us first, and the from the rest of the world)... don't you think that unknowingly, we impart wrong knowledge to our sons and daughters by teaching the stupid society rules and certain stupid indian culture...roles of a man and a woman???

we have to stay united and we fight for our right of equality (pls...right of equality doesn't mean equal jobs, equal pay, women-reservations...its al bullshit....we need to see the real problem)....i'm talking about social equality...and by the way...our shastras, upnishads, vedas and epics...all have depicted the role of a woman in a shameless way...no wonder, in early imes a woman was not allowed to study upnishads, vedas etc....GO THROUGH WHAT's WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN IN OUR SHASTRAS at http://www.hinduism.co.za/women.htm. Know where we stand in our glorious indian culture and society.... please... change all this.... if you respect yourself even a single bit....this is the indian heritage we are preserving and feeding our children with...and acting on it thinking....this is how a true indian woma should behave...ladis read it...and kow how respected are we in the indian culture

aren't we at fault when we don't question our parents when they allow one thing for the son and disallow the same for the daughter? Aren't we at fault when we allow our parents to give gifts-dowry at our weddings? Aren't we at fault when we let our parents perform the insane traditions of giving gifts etc at each and every occassion to ladka wallas? Arent't we at fault when we think its the done thing for the ladki walas to bear the wedding expenses (greeting the barat and dinner etc)...why? isn't it their son's marriage too? How can we allow our parents to think....nahi nahi...hum ladki waale hai, we can't to do this or that, we can't stay for long at the girl's place...and to top it all....we have no right in our family's inheritence...this too adds to the insecurities that women face...and the worst reason is....our forgiving nature...our so called \";bechaargi\"; ....our financial dependence..and our acceptance of our fate.

what i'm trying to say is...that the we need to uproot the real cause of our miseries...bring about a change in us first...become confident...see the real perspective...and fight for our rights...and stay united....AND BRING ABOUT A CHANGE IN THIS SOCIETY

i don't really know how to achieve this...have been thinking a lot...but there's one thing i know...poor follow the rich, low class follows the higher class....if the elite and educated women cannot protect themselves, then our society would not change....we need to change first then slowly, the society would change

but friends...as i said...i feel very agitated that we women go through so much, we have a thankless job profile in this world...and we are treated as maids nad prostitutes...we are just servants to men... (look at the roles defined for us in he society)..look at what you do at the end of the day...what have you been doing so far...have you never felt suffocated? felt its unfair... felt \";what lacks in me...i too am educated...talented...confident...then why should i do all this\";...why isn't it an equal responsibility of the man...why is he allowed to sit and fart in front of the couch while I keep the house clean, take care of the kids and e enjoys outside of the home ans inside too and then has the nerve to demand everything and judge you, if you fall short on the basis of a woman's duties? and then when the time comes to leave the in-laws or a tyrant husband...we are looked at with contempt...the society eyes us in dejection and even if our parents support us...we end up making them suffer...so most o us can't opt for either life death....

at the end of it ladies....we all know...that we all are sad....all of us...right froma 5 year old girl to the 70 year old woman...however rich or eductaed she might be....think about the reason....its the rules of society that we have so easily accepted for ourselves....

PLEASE ladies...lets discuss how can we put an end to this madness....what should be done to bring about this change in society... lets do something...lets start something, we are all educated here, come from good families, have some free time also, are intelligent enough, if we can't then wo can? and who will?

i know it starts from self first....so lets change ourselves first....but we cannot sit at that alone...we need to have concerted effort to uproot it together...and if we don't share our thoughts, ideas and views on this....and act on it and do something worthwhile to this effect...then its only a proof.....that WOMEN ONLY FIGHT THEIR OWN BATTLES...WOMEN CANNOT BE UNITED...AND the age old saying \";AURAT HI AURAT KI DUSHMAN HAI\";....
dc904 replied. that is unbelievable to me, since i wasnt aware all this B.S. was so prevalent still. I feel for you, and i don't know if your ILs are only emotionally abusive or physically also - if physical, i suggest you become financially independent and get out. if emotional, i still suggest you get financially independent and then make it clear that you demand respect for yourself and your family - if you do not receive that, tell your husband that you cannot give it - age old tradition, my butt - tell him you will not tolerate any of this crap and you are not afraid to walk out if he cannot support his wife - then he can happily spend the rest of his life in his mother's godhi. btw, if that works, i would strongly push for living separate from his parents.
Whatever you do, pls pls pls do not even THINK about having kids until you get him on your side. Good luck.
And pls don't even talk about ending it - the only way this \";age old tradition\"; is going to be overcome for future generations of women is if THIS generation of women learn to stand up for themselves - even if that means not being married. unknown replied. dear heartfelt,
i feel so much for u on reading ur mail.
sometimes,i as a woman feel so sorry about this whole situation of having to bear things as daughter in laws...it is so degrading as a human being...the concept of a joint fanily after marriage is so easliy abused by the groom's parents as though they have only rights and no responsibilities.

anyway,i must not do too much raking and fuel more anger and ill-feelings in you.

as it is,it is heart breaking to leave parents' home one fine day and submit our lives to someone totally new.
it is sad this is still the way of life for us in this day and age.i wish one day there is enough room and opportunity for every woman in india to be financially and otherwise an independent being just like men and able to choose their lives rather than becoming half slaves!!

do try and keep your calm.do not do anything rash for this is your precious life.any reaction on your part to nedigrade your ownself is not right.your life is yours.do not let others get you so down that you do not value this beautiful life as much.

stand up for yourself.
make every attemp to get back your and your parents' dignity.do it with grace.i know this is all well said than done,but i am sure u will find a way.

and do get your husband's support.
let him know your anger is now getting converted to frustration and sadness.that you feel trapped.
show him that you also have a desirable side as a person and you are not merely a whinging wife.

most importantly,find an outside life if possible.yes,and the 'royal ignore' as suggested by Q is a golden rule to follow.

i am sure your husband's attitude will change if you explain things to him.
take care.


Q replied. hi there.

in a way your husband is partially right. Its simply that we give so much importance to the IL's in our life. I can understand the first year, all are new into the marraiges and the MIL hasnt really been kind and the DIL hasnt smartened up to her.

But if you are still complaining after the first year then you shd try another approach.

Leave them to it. Give them the royal ignore.
inform MIL politely, any snub comments wont do,however 'jokingly' 'friendly' or otherwise.
try to be financially independant
try to be happy with your husband, tell him that since IL's havent been nice to you, you dont like talking abt them and if you both value your marriage santity, then keep both the parenst out of your marriage.

About getting even..
when MIL sits in your car,gently remind her it is heres but she is sitting in there because of you. Will make you feel imensely good. Dont be mean, but just remember how your dad bought the car..

Take your life in your hands and put your MIL out of it!