Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

please help me. i was involved with a guy for 4 yrs of college life.all was well and we were planning to get married.then out of nowhere my mom brainwashed me into forcing him to go abroad to uk to study further.he did not agree with this because he wanted to work in india with his dad. he had just one brother n he too was abroad n my boyfriend wanted to stay back in india.
my mum also put this in my head that it would be very very tough for me to live with him in his small flat with his parents.he wanted me to live with them.but i loved his mom,she was very sweet.
i was so naive and so proud of myself that i thhought all he said was rubish n only i was right.we sed to have so many fights and he we both had very bad temper.we said stuff to hurt each other which made things worse.
he would say things like u will have to come n live ein my house like a servant and do everything for my mum and dad etc.he was a little conservative also and did not want me to wrok after marriage.my dad did not like this attitude and that added fuel to the fire.he would say his mum used to stay at home all day,dress in a particular way after marriage and it would be expected from me too.
he even said to just go to my parents place in the same city i would have to accompanied.i am a very well to do and independent gorl even though not working and all this was too much for me. this resulted in me feeling bad very bad and i left him.
i also want to add in the initial 2 yrs of our courtship he was extremely proud of his looks and iften made me feel inferior in that department even though i was'nt really.
i mean i donno how to explain he passed my bad remarks during that time and made me feel fat and ugly and lowered me esteem.i was slightly chubby in college n he once he said,i am excersing to become salman khan then u should be rambha.
or once he said i want our kids to be both goodlooking n smart n why not u are smart and i am(he) good looking.
and many much more insulting ones.
well...but this was in the first 2 yrs(maybe our immaturity) later it was all about where we wil live,how i will dress and whether i will work or not etc.
eg once i told him after marriage i want to help out my dad in his business and he made such a big deal out of it.he even called my mum to ask why i was talking such nonsense.
but now looking back i feel those were immaturities of young insecure love.
i think i took it all too seriously.
now he is in uk and doing very well for himself.
i have chatted with him a couple of times in the past year and now he seems to have changed so much or at least that's what he wants to potray.he talks as of he is all for women's independence etc and no longer a mama's boy.(he once said when we together that his mom is god for him and whatever she says is always right)
well as for me here i am married to a wonderful man and missing my ex terribly at times.
my hubby loves me a lot but is not in any way like my ex.my ex had some qualities that i yearn for in my hubby.
the worse worse part is my in laws.i ahve terrible in laws living in a small village in india.i have to go there evry time i go to india.
they are gree and selfish and rude and i always end up thinking what life would have been had i married my ex.his mom was so nice and so was his dad.they loved near my city and things would have been so perfect if not for my sill decision to leave him or silly reasons.
i am going crazy please tell me what to do.

unknwon replied. Dear Girija,
so sorry to read your plight.
You are obviously in a state of
confusion and that is really no surprise after reading your situation.

First of all congratulations on having a loving and wonderful husband., as you describe him...that is the most wonderful gift you have today!

Girija,at almost every point in life,especially when we are young we wish we should have done better,deserved better and lived a better life.
The wishes almost never end...
but,having said that,I neverthless understand you well.

Think of it Girija,you were in relationship with someone for FOUR years!
That is a hell of a time.
It is hard to forget all of it and more so the good times.
It is almost always the good things of past we miss when we find something missing in today.
sometimes,the memories make us feel better that we were happy once and sometimes they make us feel worse when we are not so happy today.

and things are even more complicated when it comes to a relationship like this.In a relation,we 'want' to feel that everything is 'fine' because we want to make things fine!!
I will not try and analyse too much your relation with your ex,but is obvious you were steadily together and you were in love and now you want to overlook the things that actually hurt you at the time and hence,you call them 'insecurities' of young love.

You may be very right!But,think of it Girija...how can you know...
Even if you are right in thinking that it was a mistake to leave him,you only feel so now,isn't it?
We live in today Girija,not in yesterday or tomorrow.
At the time you were deeply hurt by the differences between you and your ex.
He had some fixed ideologies about a wife's postion and your self-esteem was hurt.
Both of you were ,as you say maybe not mature enough to talk things out and clear the air.

The thing you have to realise and remember not only for your own sake but also your husband,your life partner's sake....you cannot turn back the clock.
I know you already realise this,but as I said one cannot predict tomorrow.
You say your ex has changed(and even that you cannot be sure of).,how would have known this when you were with him.,whether he would change or not??

Believe me,being in touch with him,trying to work out how different your life would have been will only serve to increase your dilemna.

You say you husband loves you very much and is wonderful...think is it fair on him that you compare with your ex?
I would say love him in return with your undivided attention and concentrate on your life with him.
remember\";if we are always judging people,we will never like them\";
everyone has flaws...are you perfect??

but,do not feel guilty..if you are missing some attributes of your ex,it is but natural...you were with him for a long time.
But,you have to decide for yourself whether you want to work on today or dwell in yesterday.
It is something you will have to work on and will neither be easy nor quick.

About in-laws,you know this well Girija,we do not choose them.We only choose our life-partners..
If you are uncomfortable with their ways but are not living with them,why worry?
Your life is with your husband,not with them whom you only occasionaly visit.

When a man gets married,the man and his parents are as insecure about the new person in their life as much as is the girl.The boy's parents behaviour mostly stems from a feeling of insecurity of being left alone at an old age...and they obviuosly 'see' the girl responsible!
try and win their confidence with gentleness and respect...do your bit...leave the result to fate..you cannot do more than that.

Lastly,life changes every day,we change every day...you may regret later if you waste these initial days of bonding in the new relation you are in...because even though you are not 'in love' you are still loved and you may miss it only when you do not have it!
vale what you have Girija,I am sure you will eventually find happiness.

Life is beautiful and marriage is bliss.
Only,we have to work on it.
All the best and take care.