Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Just an update - last weekend we went on a trip - a total of 7 hrs drive back and forth.
So, Thurs my SIL called on hubby's cell when we were returning from work. She had to ask where and when we r going etc. Fri. we were leaving and she called my cell right b4 I was leaving work - I ignored the call and deleted it off my cell. Many times she calls home and leaves a msg saying she tried my cell and I didnt pickup. I am not a cell person too much and dont like talking on the phone either and my hubby knows that. Anyways she didnt leave a msg. I asked my hubby if his parents called? I know they call daily at his work and I have started to ask nowadays. So he said they called and were busy and that he had told them that we were going away for the weekend. BTW, he had made the call using his cell. I check his cell but I never tell him and we dont get the cell bill at home- its online only. FIL called Sat. afternoon and left a msg. on the cell. My hubby accidentally disconnected the call (we were in car with freinds so maybe thats why). Sat. nite SIL called to ask abt the trip when we were returning from the trip(again in car with freinds). Sun. afternoon MIL called and he talked for 2 min. and I grabbed the phone from him to talk to her(we were in car with freinds once again and as I said I talk to inlaws on Sat.). My hubby was hanging up but I still talked. 5 hrs later rite b4 going to bed, my FIL called and my hubby didnt pickup. I heard the phone vibrate and later checked to c if it was my FIL's missed call. And, yes it was. And, finally Sun. nite SIL called cell (we were home from the trip)and then left a msg at home since we were outside in the garden. He didnt call back last nite atleast.
Supposedly, she's busy with 2 kids (boys aged 3 and 5) and doesnt even work. They goto a pre nursery 8-1.30pm daily so she gets time to cook or run errands and ofcourse talk. SIL even talks to my MIL/FIL/my hubby during this time. Each time she forgets or misses something, excuse is 'shes got 2 kids and doesnt have time'. I dont know if these people realise how annoying it can get.
When SIL called Sat. nite on our drive back home (we were in the car with freinds) I told my hubby to tell her that we r going to another city and staying over and we drive home Sun. My hubby got mad abt my comments in the car. Hes like shes not interfering but inquisitive. He gets so defensive abt his family. His freinds parents/siblings never called when we were on the trip. But he never seems to notice that. We almost had a fight and when we woke up in the morn., he wanted to know why I behave in a certain way when his family calls. I told him sorry and apologised. I had done this b4 as well when we were on a vacation last month. His parents called everyday we were on vacation. And, my mood changes these days when they call and my hubby notices it. He asks me but doesnt get it. I dont know how else to tell him.We have been married over a year and I thot he will change. Last year, they would even call early morn to wake us up. They r 7 hrs ahead of our time so they would call at 4am if we had a 7am flight and then at the airport again. Leave us alone - your 30 yr old son is married. Thankfully we dont live in the same time zone. SIL does live almost in the same time zone so she follows up if the parents dont. She has noone to annoy her - no SIL/MIL and her FIL and hubby's brother is very laidback and FIL lives in India.
Cant beleive it - it seems like I live with a Joint family?? Talking to him doesnt work - he gets mad and picks a fight. But, i got to let him know somehow that I dont like interference and he's a married man and needs to let go of his family atleast a little bit. My SIL has been married for 10 years and she hasnt been able to let go it seems and it scares me. Unless I tell him how I feel, he would never realise it. Its normal for him and to him its all abt caring and sharing. Will it ever end? Any suggestions?? one more DIL replied. Hi a DIL,

just wanted to write my views---

I don't know about Swati's FIL, but my FIL is definitely a \";joru ka gulam\";----and I am not at all ashamed to acknowldge this, since I have seen him what kind of treatment he gives to his folks..and how blindly he supports his wife(my MIL). I see him doing this \";gulami\"; everyday. And moreover majority of his friends and colleagues addresse him as \";joru ka gulam\"; --that is how I came to know. He worked for 35 years in the same town and in the same office, so many people know him from his young days ! Apparently my FIL had a reputation of very stubborn man before marriage--his MOM used to cry because of his tantrums, he wouldn't eat anything, he would pick up fights with his mom and so many other things. I was shocked to learn this beacuse I had seen my FIL's entirely different personality---the one who would eat anything, would have no 'nakhras'..an easy-going guy---but slowly I realized it was all in front of my MIL. I even heard one from one of his(my FIL) friends's daughter that after marriage, my MIL controlled him so smartly that not only he started eating everything, but learnt doing household chores also !!

But inspite of all this, I never uttered a single word against my in-laws for the first 3 yrs of my marriage, and my parents are still unaware about the situation---but my in-laws's selfish attitude, constant criticism and mean mentality have forced me to write such things ! When I see them dealing with the outside world--then you realize how mean they are ! They love to make fun of everyone. Like Swati's MIL, my MIL also loves gossipping and expects the same from me. And i hate this---this is not my personality to talk bad about everyone whom I meet. They even criticize those people who are good to them !

And by the way, Swati has mentioned in one of her posts, that her MIL's in-laws died long long back--so obviously she(MIL) had not gone through what Swati is !

Anyway--looks like this is a never ending problem for many DILs.
Ann replied. Swati,

Read your msg. I have also been in simialar situation. I don't talk to my in-laws other than some occasions or some weekends and my husband also doesn't say anything about that. But he does call his parents everyday when they are in US and maybe twice during the week when they are in India. I don't think that should even bother us so much, they can even make comments about us to them, I don't even hear them now and my husband doesn't tell me either( he just hears and ignores). It really helped us since I don't hear anything negative and I can exchange the usual hi-bye when we talk ocassiionaly. We visit each other also we talk just the common stuff. My in-laws don't like it but it helps me and reduces the usual fights.

I don't think we should stop our husbands from talking to thier parents isnce they are old and many people's lives revolve arond thier children . So it is ok that in their retired life and internet and phone's technology getting cheaper they can still maintain the same closeness with thier kids. I talk to my parents also in the same manner, (whatever my in-laws says) and yes sometimes the talks may be silly stuff like food etx,but you may have nothing to talk if you talk everyday. rups replied. Hi Swati,

I just surfed on in and read your posts. I feel for you- I think there is a lot of interference in your life. For the sake of your happy married life I think none of your parents should know most of the personal details about your life. Just the usual haal-chaal you know and you should help them whenever such a need arises. But on the whole it should be about, your hubby and any kids that you have/may have....all the best for the situation...I think though time will bring more power to you and you will be able to gain a control on things. one more DIl replied. Dear Swati,

I know how frustrating it is to bear all this nonsense. Now I don't take this crap anymore...I used to talk to my in-laws almost daily( in the first 3 yrs of my marriage)...but now I don't. Now I talk to them once in a while. You know there is a saying in hindi- \"; zyada gud (jaggery) chipakti hai \";- meaning too much of closeness leads to problems and it has actually happened in my case. I used to like my in-laws like my parents- i used to talk to them daily, used to write letters , used to wish them on their b'days & anniversaries....but every time my MIL would make one or the other sarcastic comment...initially I tried to ignore her comments- i kept telling myself that I should not mind her words...because according to my hubby she liked me...but it used to happen everytime ..slowly I started loosing my patience. I asked myself- afterall how long will this continue? I must put a stop otherwise this woman will keep commenting and she would not even realize that it was hurting me badly. And needless to say that DH never found any faults in her behavior. Slowly I stopped all sweet & regular talks with them, although this wasn't a conscious effort...it just happened...but still I respected them. But they are too much...my MIl is such a selfish woman..this I realized 3-4 years after my marriage..when I saw how badly she behaves with her in-laws but expects me to be an obedient DIL !! She can not hear a word against her but she can comment on anyone !! I am not deaf & dumb, I can also sense what is happening around me and at my back. She is such a dominating woman...she controls my FIL and to some extent my hubby also. And they do listen to her orders....if they disagree with her on something, then she uses her emotions..she would say things like no body loves me, i will have to bear more pain blah blah. She is also a drama queen. Then my FIL & my hubby dear do what she wants...so she wants to have the same control over me...now my personality is NOT AT ALL like that anybody can control me. Although I am very sensitive & emotional by nature...but if sombody tries to dominate me or rule me, I automatically develop a feeling of bitterness towrads that person. If you trust me and give me a free hand, I can be the sweetest and the most generous person on this earth. And this lady hady has a strong urge to control everyone who is around her.

There is not a single day that passes without her interference. She wants to be in constant touch with us and wants to know each and every thing about our married life. Now i can't even argue with my hubby that why you talk to them daily...because it is beyond his reasoning. Sometimes I just laugh at it and I tell my hubby - \";humare ghar me agar koi cheez 1 inch bhi hilti hai, toh your mom will be the first person to know about it...and I will be the last one \";!!!

No one in our friend circle talks to their parents daily..infact my hubby also knows this that none of his friends's wives talk to their in-laws daily. Most of them talk once a week- during the weekends !

When my MIL talks about equality..I feel like asking her one thing- Can I call my parents daily ? Will my hubby talk to my mom-dad daily ? I am really eager to know how she will react to this ?

well dear..this is life. But I have learnt one thing from my marriage that I will not be an interferring and dominating MIL and I tell the same to my MOM, although I don't tell her anything about my problems, but I just say- \";Ma...apni bahu ko apni beti samajna...aur poora wishwaas karna\";. Don't ever doubt her actions or words.

Swati- all I can say is \";learn to ignore minor things and discuss openly the major issues\";. Only calm & mature discussion can solve the problems ! I will also try doing the same !

Good luck. well wisher replied. Happened to read your post. Thank God I don't have any MIL problems like this. My MIL likes me to say all picky details too. but i just ignore. And she is not the kind who will ask but expect me to tell. That makes it easy for me. I just ignore the comments that i don't talk much. My hubby is on my side, which is a
great advantage. Anyways lets leave that.

I have an idea that may or may not work for you. Give it a shot and have great patience. Lets treat your inlaws with the same medicine.

Now on everyday you start calling them. MIL, SIL and FIL separetly. Keep on calling them till they get fed up. And by the way ask all their picky details . basically annoy them back.

Now praise your husband always but at the same tell all the things he does in house. You can talk upto the extend of his bathroom habits . This time he went to restroom and blah blah.... And sometimes you can tell somethings from the bedroom to annoy your husband but in a joky manner. I don't think any guy will like their wife making fun of their bedroom things. i know it's annoying for us to talk these things in the first place. But it might work out for you. keep on interfering in your laws matters more. Ask what they ate? what they bought?how much did they pay? isn't too much price for that sari? why they are so extravagant? where did they go ? why they didn't pickup the phone? what massala in that curry? and the list goes on. just the same kinda things they want to know from you. do the same to SIL also.i think u'r SIL will get the message very fast.


if anyone asks you can very well tell them that a friend told you that u'r not giving enough respect to any of your inlaws even after they showing much concern and call you guys every day. So you have decided to change and wants to show them more respect.

This trick may not work right away but keep on trying.

Good luck one more DIL replied. Dear Swati,

I can fully understand what you are going through- believe me dear.I can feel it, because I myself am going through the same with the only difference that I don't have a SIL. MY FIL-MIL want to know everything about us------literally everything ! Can you believe that my MIL even wanted to know about our first night !!! Man---it sucks !! My hubby also gives them full report of everything---I keep thinking -can men be like that ?? I had never seen or heard of such men before marriage who can talk for hours about their married life, marital issues with their parents and similarly I had never heard of such parents who are so desperate to know everything. Why don't they understand that such attitude is ruining our relationship. We are only developing a feeling of frustration towards them---and eventually it will become hatred. I wish if they could give us a little space, our relationship with them would have been so much better.

Our case is so different that my parents never ask me anything about my personal life----they just ask in a very general term- \";beta sab theek hai \"; ? And I say-Yes---the calls ends there only ! No further questions are asked---NEVER !

To give you an example, I am writing a recent conversation between my DH & his mom-dad---

It was about 5:30 pm on sunday, we had just got back from a friend's house, had done some grocery shopping and other things before that. Now he goes like this-

Immediately after reaching home he grabs the phone( By the way, our baby is crying at that time- he was feverish) and he dials his parents number-

hello Mom-how are you? We are fine here. Today we went for grocery shopping, bought veggies, milk, and some chicken & shrimps. Today we got a new variety of cereal- it tastes so good !! After that we went to a restaurant and had lunch. I liked the chicken soup- it was different ---I think they add some special masala. Then my MIL would ask- what did you have for lunch- DH would tell her the menu !! After that he would say -we went to our friend's place- his wife said this and that---she is weird. My friend has put on a lot of weight. We watched xyz movie, and he would tell her the entire story on the phone(mind you---its an international call !!)

After the usual stuff---he begins talking about me( My MIL can never digest the food untill she inquires about me)- she would ask about me what I bought, how much did it cost? Why do i spend so much money ? What do i do the whole day ? She would ask my husband if I am taking proper care of her grandson or not !!!( give me a break- he is my son, not yours !!) Then I talk to my MIL and she pours unasked & unwanted advises !

Then comes my FIL- he would again talk about the same stuff for another 10-15 minutes and don't forget---our son is still crying---finally I get so pissed off that I walk out of the room with my baby and go for an evening walk and hubby dear continues his chit-chat with his mom-dad.

and yes---I forgot to mention that he had talked to them the previous night also through the net-phone !!

You know Swati- I try to think rationally many times. I try to tell myself that what is so bad if DH talks to his parents. But the point is I don't mind him talking about this daily stuff( veggies, milk, eggs, movies)but I hate the fact that his MOM tries to act smart by comparing herself with me in an indirect manner, by giving unasked suggestions, by telling me that how smart she is and I don't know anything and Moreover when she passes sarcastic comments about me or my way of doing things !! And DH doesn't see all this- he thinks his MOM is helping us by giving this so called \";MOTHERLY ADVISE\";---but he fails to understand that its been happening for the last 5 years , right from the day I got married---and how long she will teach me--Common--we are 30 plus--we are mature enough to manage our lives. My in-laws are most welcome in our lives but I hate the fact when they try to rule us & dominate us. I wouldn't have much friction with them had they not been so interferring and fault finding. They act so mart- they think they are perfect and whatever my MIL says or does is always accepatble in our family, no matter how wrong she is sometimes. This attitude sucks !

My MIL always talks about honesty, idealism and modernism---she behaves like she is the most sensible & modern woman on this earth- but when it comes to our married life, then she forgets all these principles !!

My in-laws cuddle my husband like a little baby--they call him by different baby names, kiss him, hug him---and he also Loves it. Ok---i understand they are his parents--and they have full right to do it---but when my parents hug me or bless me( My mom-dad always say-\";beta khush rahna\";), my MIL makes fun of it by saying that - your Mom-dad are so worried about you,don't they trust us that we will keep you happy Or may be you go and tell them something negative about us? She is so suspicious about everything--- Initailly I used to feel so odd, but then I got used to it---now these are minor things for me in comparison to other big issues.

On one hand, she talks about independent thinking but doesn't like if I do anything on my own. She wants me to obey her orders. If I don't do it, she starts behaving in a weird way and makes a long face.

When she comes to US, she wears pants and drinks wine and alcohol- and calls herself modern ! But this MODERN woman doesn't like when I call my family or invite them here. She doesn't like when I praise my family members.

My FIL is known as a \";joru ka gulam\"; in his family and my MIL takes a pride in it. But when their son(My hubby) makes salad or changes our son's diaper, then this MODERN woman gives him a lecture- that this is not his duty ! The wife should take care of home & the baby and the husband should relax.

I tell you such a hypcrite she is---and Dh never notices this personality of his MOM. This is the reason that I don't like when my hubby calls them every now & then and gives them a full report.

Even I am so frustrated and angry due to my in-laws' behavior that I don't feel like doing anything.

I wish I could do something to reslove this problem.