Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello Dharma and everyone

I am feeling yet again upset about my hubby.

I have noticed that he copies his mother's opinion for almost everything. He is 35 yrs old and behaves like a small child. For example :

- if he does not like a movie, he says that to me. But if his mother likes the same movie, he will change his mind to match that of his mother !
- he has some good friends, but his mother does not like them, so now he no longer considers them good friends.
- my MIL always talks against my hubby's friend's wives, as she finds them very bossy (and not all of them are bossy). So now, my hubby always talks about his friends wives, just as my MIL does.
- my MIL does not like my mother, but she likes my father. So hubby also does the same
- my MIL told my hubby not to stay at my parents house when we visit and to stay in a hotel. So, despite my pleas, etc my hubby stayed in a hotel.
- my MIL does not like her MIL, so hubby does not like his grandmother !!!
- my MIL does not like her husband, so my hubby does not like his father !!!
- my MIL does not like my religion, so although we had a love marriage, my hubby too started acting as if he does not like my religion, until I asked him if he really did not like my religion, after which he clarified to me that everything was OK.

I feel very disturbed at his behavior. Is that normal for a 35 yr old to behave like this ? I have asked him previously why he behaves like this, but when confronted, he denies this behavior and we end up arguing. Have you ladies faced this, for EVERY aspect of life he copies her, not just about my family. Any tips on how to deal with it, as it's driving me mad.

Also, today we live separately. However, yesterday when I was visiting my MIL, she told me that her and my hubby were planning when we will all stay together in my MIL's/FIL's house !!! She started telling me how they were discussing planning the house, etc. I was totally shocked and never said anything to her and have not yet confronted my hubby. I feel very hurt, as my hubby is planning such a big thing behind my back, and that he cannot even tell me this. I feel as if he's married to his mother and not me !!!! I really wonder why he married me, if he plans such major things in life with his mother !

Have you ladies faced this ? Can you please advise me, as I really cannot see any hope now. Sary replied. I really do not know how we can make our men see sense!! I wonder the same thing sometimes, that if the mother is still so involved WHY did they even get married in the first place.
Always agreeing to what she saus is separate but to make such a hue decision without consultin you is just awfu. You have to first be very very calm before you approach the situation with him and screaming and shotuing will not help. When you are calm, gently say I was talking to 'whatever you call her' the other day and she metioned someting about us all living togethor. Then you can say somehting like ''isn't that funny. I wonder how she got that idea?'' Wait for his reponce. Then try and explain that you woul dlike for both of you to build a relationship and a marriage. Your own home!! and you dotn see how that will be possible if you both move back in with his family. Im the meantime make plans for both of you to do things togethor to strengthen your bond. Take short weekends away, buy things for the house, thus increasing joint decisions. Your and His. NOT his and MIL's! :)
Involve him in things you do, ask for his advice and then ask him more about his work,colleagues, friends etc and offer your advice and suggestions. Over time he may begin to value your input more than his mothers. Make new friends that she does not know about.
Good luck!