Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello all,
I am really angry with my in-laws as they are crazy over money.
I want to just talk about it here so that I feel a bit better...
Last weekend my mom invited our family on Lunch.. We live in a joint family.. so we all went their.. me , my husband, his mom and his bhabhi and bhaibhi's daughter.
We had a great time and everything went really well.
When we were coming back.. my mom gave some token money (as this was the first time she had invited us all after my marriage) to my MIL, my husband and his niece. She did not give anything to me and my SIL (my husband's bhabhi).
When we reached home my MIL started saying things like I am angry with your mom that she did not show respect for bhabhi as she did not give anything to her.
I didnt actually want my mom to give anything to anybody at all.. and i also arhued with her in secret .. but she said that it was a custom and all...
When are we going to finish these stupid customs..
whenever any festival comes my parents are supposed to send this and that.. and me and my husband are earning a lot .. we both being in a s/w mnc.. still we are not supposed to even help them with a pie.. and we are three sisters..
so my parents are supposed to arrange dowry for three girls and then give them and their families gifts on each festivals..
dont they need to live their life also..
now all this has started to create some problems with me and my in-laws.. but i am not letting my parents suffer just because they have daughters and no son..
but, i also want my in-laws and us to stay happily..but i think i will have to make a choice here.. :(
and i have made a choice to not ever ask my parents to give any money or gifts and i should always be there for them as they are also nearing their old age and may require our help.
AM I WRONG Girls..
what should i do??
Off course you people understand that i am not able to talk sense to my in-laws and my hubby fears that if he says anything he will be termed as joru ka gulaam.. :( be self reliant girls replied. Dear angry DIL and all the girls!!

I would strongly say that we need to put an end to the age old atrocious custom of giving and taking dowries + completely putting a foot down on letting your parents give so-called \";traditional gifts\";.

for whatever reasons these customs were made, they are really derogatory...and above all, if we still let our parents follow it, then shame on us.

I myself didn't allow my parents to pay a single pie for dowry (i shopped whatever i needed for my own use...clothes, accessories and a few personal use items)...but did not let them pay anything...infact, we had made our intentions clear to the in-laws before-hand, and they very nicely agreed too.

My point is, may be i was lucky to get good in-laws who listened, but i had already thought long before my marriage, during my childhood...that i would not have dowry or as its called nowadays 'gifts' on my marriage... and if there is any resistance from the ladkawalas side, i wouldn't get married there...

i did not 'discuss' it with my future hubby, but 'told' him politely during our initial talks...that i'm very strict on these matters...no dowry, no future gifts...are you ok? well, he was and so were his parents.

my parents too didn't take a pie from my bhabhi...well, we do hear that often nowadays that ladka walas didn't take anything...but the same ppl give dowries to their daughters!!!....why are they so afraid..if they habve raised us well, we can take care of ourselvs and be bold to face any situation and opposition...aren't we? yes i know, ther are a few situatuons that cannot be helped, but so many can be.

its upto you girls...if you have the guts....go full throttle and say NO...and face whosoever opposes with confidence...whether it means support from your husband or not....usually hum hi abla naariya ban jaati hai...bechaari ban jaati hai...and that's when the whole world pounces on us....it takes courage...go for it...if you have it you....

all the best Sary replied. I have a similar problem! We are both working but as u must know its not easy with a house etc financially. Anway he sends money to his family. I dont so all mine goes to OUR expences.
I just wonder, is there an unspoken rule as to how much guys need to send? I feel it should be a contribution to their house as we have to run ours as well. he thinks it should be running their house totally. There are 5 people there! me-me replied. What a great decision. Customs and traditions are all well and good in their own ways but so much of it leads to dispute and ungratfulness that the token is no longer seen as a token but an expectation.

I think if you want to have this decision accepted you should speak with your hubby and share your feelings. Then the both of you should discuss it with your in-laws, give them your reasons and then talk to your parents. You are doing well financially and so many of these customs are from ancient times, life is in the fast lane and somethings need to be left behind.

I wish you all the best in getting others to accept your wishes. Its so thoughtful of you to be thining of your parents like this, they are truly blessed with a daughter like you. I have no idea what a joru ka gulaam is but it seems a silly insult. Don't allow it to be said or thought, assert your reasons and I am sure people will understand and see you both as thoughtful swati replied. U know what - my parents living in north america think the same. My inlaws live in another continent but expect things anyways. The first yr is when girls parents send gifts at each and every occassion. Its a tradition but thankfully my parents send gifts to my hubby and me directly. My inlaws get nothing. So my hubby sees it for himself. My inlaws dont say anything but expect it and they themselves never send anything. There is also a tradition for punjabis that the DIL gets gifts on karvachauth, diwali & lohri from the hubby's parents and also her parents the first yr of marriage. But my inlaws arent aware of their traditions. My MIL for sure tells my hubby abt the girl's parents traditions behind my back and when it comes to them - they live sooo far away\";so hard to send anything\";. Send a draft/check by mail - isnt that possible??? My parents do the same.
If u have your hubby on your side - why not give gifts/cash to your mom from your account/paycheck and let your mom give it to your inlaws whenever the need arises/as per ocassions. Tell him u feel real bad abt all these traditions and u r 3 sisters and your parents dont listen 2 u at all and they dont stop giving. Say u wont tell your mom that u r giving her money with hubby's consent. C what he has to say.
seema replied. Dear friend,
You are very right in your decision.You should also take your husband in your confidence to avoid any further problem.In fact you should also help your parents in what ever way you can since whatever you are today is because of them.