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There is a line between closeness and interference. I have been married for over a year and I live away from from inlaws in US. My SIL lives in another US state and my inlaws visit every summer. Luckily my MIL spent more time with her daughetr last yr since shes a stay at home mom. I work and we bot a house last Dec..
My inlaws r visitng next month and my FIL who's never really taken a vacation has decided to stay with us for 3 weeks. My hubby used to call one of our rooms - his parents room and thankfully now he refers to it as our guest room.
My parents live in North america as well and dont call too much especially when we r home in the evennings so that we spend time together or I call once on weekend. I usually talk to mom daily from work -my hubby doesnt know that. My parents mite give sugeestions only when I ask- no unsolicited advice. They have visited just once after 1 yr of my marriage. I am sure my inlaws tell my hubby how my family isnt close knit etc. thats why we dont talk. My inlaws call my hubby every single day at work due to the time difference. And on weekends both sat and sun.. My SIL does the same.
They call his work and then cellphone and then finally page him - if they cant reach him. If my MIL has talked to hubby and FIL hasnt he will call later and SIL seperately. So, its 3 calls daily. Thankfully, they dont live with me but have intentions to do so in future. My hubby told me b4 marriage at my Roka ceremony. And I agreed unknowingly. But now I pray that they move to Delhi when they retire from middle east.
They want to know each and every detail of our house and they have a reputation that they will ask others abt their lives but will never let their lives b out in the open. Very secretive abt their lives but like to b intrusive in others. My MIL has a greencard already - got it this year thru my SIL whos a US citizen. I asked one of their family freind's daughter abt my MIL's GC and she was shocked to know that they would even plan to move to US. And my MIL even knows her details abt why she isnt getting pregnant etc. And when it comes to their secrets - noone should know. My hubby is a GC holder and has been in US since age 17 - after High school. He's independent - thankfully. We were on vacation and his family called everyday. And I told my hubby indirectly how interfering it is and he almost fought with me and started defending his family. I am sure my inlaws tell him how close they r to him and prob. ask abt how I am doing etc to show they care but I dont know what they talk behind my back. Simply, control freaks and insecure. Even my hubby calls them if he doesnt hear from them in a day or 2. They r in his system. My MIL even talks to her daughter daily. On weekends, my inlaws and SIL repeat whatever goes on in my house like \";oh the plumber was over on wed. is the job done\";,\";u guys left work early on tue, right?\"; They just like to verify and let me know that they know everything even if I dont talk to them and my hubby tells them everything. Earlier we had seperate work hours and my hubby would leave late morning. I think my inlaws didnt even like the idea of us going to work together once I got a permanent job. I dont know what my hubby told them but I saw missed calls almost the whole week he switched his hours. They must b trying to confirm. My FIL even left a msg once \";hello! I know u r leaving late today at noon - just calling to say hi\";. He was leaving late that day for sure and I was coming back early and I heard the msg and i am sure it was for me. And, My SIL's MIL passed away right after she got married (of cancer which they knew abt b4 she got married)and my MIL never had inlaws since they were killed in partition. Luckily, I dont have to talk to them everyday and only weekends. I never force him to talk to my family. One of his freinds (his family is freind's with my hubby's family in middle east) makes fun of him that he runs and tells his mommy everything. My hubby just doesnt get it. I know they cant talk ill of me but handle things very diplomatically. For instance, at karvachauth my MIL called my mom who was stepping out and said she will call back later. Then on weekend, my MIL talked to me as to how my mom needs to send all the stuff and she feels \";ashamed asking my mom for it\"; and I got furious and explained the right tradition to hubby. Next day, they talked to my hubby and said they bot me a ring etc so that my hubby doesnt say anything to them and they r so nice. And, the following week when we talked abt the topic, my hubby said u know u r a different caste and tho we r both punjabis - your family's traditions r different than ours. Thats what his mom told him so it was all covered up. And, my hubby said \";dont ever think u can seperate my mom and me\";. So, the other day we went to the beach and his mom as usual called up and my hubby said tell Dad not to call me(my hubby) since he mite lose cell signal. Next day my SIL was talking to hubby and asking him \";how the beach was? did u go into the water? what was the name of the beach?\"; I asked \";how did SIL find out?\"; He said (while on the phone but softly) \";mom must have told her\"; and later after hanging up he said \";oh, I talked to her the other day and must have told her\";. So, again he gets defensive abt his family.
And, when my parents didnt visit MIL would tell me \";ask your parenst to visit - atleast to c your house\";. Be nice and all that. But once they visited, she asked me \";Are u taking days off from work? If so,how many?\"; I ignored her and didnt tell her that I was taking off from work for 2 days. My SIL called as soon as my parents reached our house from the airport. She asked my mom\";how long u r staying\"; and my mom didnt give her the exact time and she said \";atleast a month?\"; since she was checking to which my mom said \";no\";. My dad just stayed a weekend. Then SIL called and asked abt her return flight and time to wish her a happy journey/bon voyage back home. Ok - I understand SIL looks good in front of hubby but they annoy the hell out of me and my family. They r greedy as well - expect things from my parents all the time but dont say it. When she visited last yr she even bought lens solution, aspirin DVD player, hair dye, make up etc. She loots the son and my hubby even bot her a ticket to fly to my SIL's place. They r just show offs - they try telling me indireclty how wealthy they r but then loot the son sametime and r major \";Kanjoos\"; themselves. Typical show off Punjabis. MIL has no self respect either when it comes to running after the rich people. She looks down upon people who r average in terms of money. She and my hubby lie a lot abt little things. I try catching him but its a habit. My family is very down to earth. His family is so typical. My inlaws barely ever call my parents and my parents call them most of the time - not too often. MIL even made my FIL move from Bbay to Delhi after 1 year of their marriage since her family was in Delhi. She's never really come out of her family and doesnt pay attention to my FIL's family or has lived with them. My hubby even says how his Dad doesnt have family -its small and it surely is. MIL doesnt like to travel alone either and my FIL's family lives far from Delhi. So good excuse for MIL to ignore. MY FIL had a back problem last yr. and ofcourse, my hubby didnt know since he would get worried. Then my MIL called my cell (very rare), my hubby's and our home number and couldnt reach us. She got mad at hubby that he didnt call her back and I had told hubby to call them back when I noticed missed calls and he ignored. MIL said\";I feel lonely\"; - I didnt get it. Isnt MIL supposed to b with FIL and help him out? I guess the son and bahu wernt there to help out. Just an attention seeker. But, when it comes to me I am supposed to b a good DIL and live with her in old age. Even MIL's niece refuses to marry into a joint family(she's 25 and single and I heard her say it openly to my hubby on the phone) but thats OK.
Slowly, I am becoming numb. Pls help and let me know how to handle the situation. I thought things will change with time but I saw the phone bill and all the calls he made. So, its both sides. Its not only that they call but he does too. I thought men were not like that. I talk to freinds and their husbands just talk once a week. me-me replied. Hi There,

There certainly is a difference between closeness and interference but so far there has been no true crossing of that line. You have indeed established a great closeness between your hubby and his family that you are bothered with. Their relationship doesn't really seem to be that bad, there is nothing wrong with being overly close to your family so long as it isnt harmful to thers. You've said your hubby is unaware that you speak with your mother once a day from work but you seem to be very upset he does the same with his family. Sure they seem to all make seperate calls but that may be simply because they all want to catch up with him, he is being honest about this with you.

I don't know but from your post it seems your IL's are incredibly nosey although it does give the appearance of being well meaning rather than out of control, insecuritity or spite. Thats just my perception of your post. In its own way the fact your FIL is taking his first 'true' vaction and spending 3 weeks of it with you is rather a compliment. I mean, would you riun your first real holiday just for the sake of upsetting your DIL? Idoubt it & I think that it is a bit of a honour they've chosen to stay with you. As for whether advice is solicited (perhaps by your IL) or unsolicited (in the case of your mother)it is the intent in which it is given that makes it good or bad. Do they offer advise for the sake of hurting you or do they have everyones best intentions at heart?

You did agree at your Roka ceremony that your IL might eventually be living with you and you did agree to this. Surely you understodd what that meant? Is it so shocking that they have decided to move to the US if you are there? It does seem a natural move to me. I am sure you have many worries about how them living with you will affect you and your hubby but from what you say you seem like you're more than able to stand up for yourself and won't be taken advantage of. You were quite strong in initiating an argument with hubby regarding the fact your IL's rang even while you were on vacation so I feel that no matter what happens you will have the strength to ensure you remain happy. I think interfering will be something you can deal with and perhaps prevent.

With regard to the way they know so much about your life why dont you speak with your hubby? Tell him it seems intrusive to know that they are aware of every step you both make. I myself would find it disturbing. Also if your SIL knows the ins and outs of your life it isnt so surprising that it would come up in conversation with her parents and vise versa. But on the whole your post seems like they have good intentions even if it is too much. Its just a matter of setting guide lines so that what they know is within a comfortable reason with you. That can only be done by speaking with your hubby and perhaps making your daily goings on a little less known by others as well.

Also its a shame you seemed to delight in telling everyone here that someone you know makes fun of your hubby. Ok so there are some issues but surely you can see that this back-stabbing is much much worse than the openess of your IL interfering or your hubby's closeness to them? This is just malicious and you should defend your husband no matter what! Don't lower yourself to such cruel and sad standards. I agree with your husbands upset and you not being able to seperate him from his mother. You may have problems and she may be the root of it but he IS an entity on his own and deserves that respect.

How can you have gotten so angry at your MIL's concern over the time and expence your mother spends by sending you the required traditional gifts? She may very well have just been worried for your mother and if she says she feels ashamed it is more than likely true. If you are of different castes then yes traditions will be different. Just because it is a fact of life doesnt mean it is easy for people to understand these things. As for covering the whole thing up by buying you a ring, if you accepted this gift you have essentially absolved them of any fault in that regard. Giving the ring is an appology, accepting it implies forgiveness so you shouldn't be complaining about something in the past. If you are still upset than I suggest you give the ring back.

To be incredibly frank about my thoughts regarding your post I would have to say you have a very lovely down to earth family and your husband's family are extra close and inquisitive about one another. I can not really find any fault with your IL's aside from their concern for one another and that closeness. The most apparent problem is you. I am sorry if that seems hurtful, it was not meant to be. It just seems like you can not abide by the people they are, it is as though there is a personality clash. Your complaints are mostly based on your own feelings regarding things and dislike of things they do.

You say you are becoming numb but I wonder what is there to numb yourself from? These probelms are from your own mind, your own paranoia and no matter how diplomatic a person is, if they mean to do evil it shows, and it is not showing. Stop looking for problems, read some of the many posts here and you will see that given alot of what others are going through, your life is a bed of roses. Life is about being happy, you are strong enough to achieve that in the most dire of situations. Your self assertion and strong sense of what is right would prevail no matter the challenges you are faced with. So may girls could only wish to be the sensitive and powerful woman you are. Stay strong and I know that what ever you face in your future you will be able to live through it. And finally, stop looking at things so negatively, I bet if you tried to find good reasons rather than bad ones for your worries, you would find life will improve immediately. Life is perceptions, take off the dark glasses and see things in a new wholesome light. All the best Sary replied. Hi, my goodness, youyr story is very very familiar, but, I am a bit embarressed to admit, it is my mother that does exactly the same things. I do not like it at all and can only imagine that my husband must feel like you do.
You could try speaking to him, saying I'd like them to be a part of our lives but not so much. I dont know if that will work though. I have tried speaking to my mother gently but she still rings everyday and feels the need to know about every minute of our lives. Good luck. Ruks replied. SWATI,

God yaar, for heaven's sake....i thought that only we DIL's who live under the same roof as the in-laws suffer so much,,,,but am shocked to know that how you are suffering despite your inlaws not living with u on a daily basis. What What what yaar, what to say....My hubby does the same.....

i felt like i am reading my story....where u said that the SIL knows all....that on which day u came home early and why and which doctor u saw and what blood test u got done and which movie u saw....details of every minute of your life.....Same here yaar....dont be so depressed....!

Good u wrote and shared with us all. But things are the same everywhere....I also end up in fights with my husband for no other reason but this.....only this.

DH will never understand.....and by the time he will...........all the milk would have got spilt....it would be too late!

You just hang on there! Cant think of any solution to give u right now, but assure u that so so very well off people all are in the same boat......DIL's suffering at the hands of these horrible MIL's.

Sometimes, i wonder, can our DH's get to read this website and see and read for themselves - how the DIL's are suffering at the hands of MIL's......coz they will not believe what we say.........but perhaps when they read it by their own eyes.....it might have a meaning for them.......but the question is how to get your husband to read all this.....and not sure how useful all that would be too....!

Well, thats all i had to say for now...u have faith...there is always a silver lining at the end of the dark clouds.....

Take care...