Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello all DILs,

Today I am so much depressed & sad that I couldn't think of any other place to share my feelings. Untill last week I was a working woman, but then i came to know that our company is laying off 50 employees and I am one of them..I have no one to talk to about my hurt feelings. I know why I lost my job, beacuse I wasn't able to concentrate on my career due to domestic problems. My in-laws's constant criticism and my husband's lack of support have made me sick. It will take me ages to write down everything, so I am trying to summarize my story in points....

I am 30, married for 4.5 years, have 2 sweet kids. My hubby is the eldest son , has 2 sisters. I feel he is a nice person at heart, but too much dependent on his parents and they also claim that they love him a lot. He is so close to his parents that he doesn't have courage to stand against them, no matter how wrong they are. I feel that deep inside he also understands that his parents are not \";dhoodh ke dhule\";, but doesn't want to accept the fact in front of me.

1.Since the day I got married, my MIL-FIL always criticized me, my family and my every action- ofcourse in an indirect manner, but sometimes direct too.

2.My MIL controlled my expenses and ordered my hubby to do the same. She said to my hubby-\";curb her tendencies\"; otherwise I would make him(my hubby) bankrupt !

3.Behind my back(when I am at work or go out), they call my hubby and fill his ears against me and my DH never bothers to tell me.

4.My DH calls them regularly and give them a detailed report about the day. His mom is always interested to know if we have a fight or not and the most frustrating part is that my husband( or should I call an obedient son) tells her everything that she wants to know !!! And to top of this, she thinks her son, can never make a mistake and that everything is always my fault when my husband and I fight. And then she says that I mistreat them also. My DH doesn't realize that his mom is taking full advantage of the situation. He firmly belives that his MOM is great.

4. I have no idea about the financial transactions betwen my hubby & his parents- he doesn't tell me ! So when I did the same, there was a huge drama in our house. And I was in tears- I kept aksing my hubby why this hypocricy ? When he had done the same thing (money exchange without my knowledge), I had not even uttered a single word.

5.My mil has to comment on everything that I do, whether it's the way I run home, the way I cook, my personality, the way I dress my kids. She complains whenever she gets a chance.

6. Her fav time pass is to praise herself and compare me with her. When I was pregnant with my 1st baby, she came over here for so called \";HELP\";... my hubby said that she would take good care of me....and when she came I had to take care of myself, my little baby & my MIL. She would sit on the couch 24/7 and watch \";saas-bahu\"; serials and then she says -\";I was so efficient when I was you age...you get tired so easily \";. All this was happening when I was still recuperating, and my hubby never felt my pain. I had to serve her and all her needs...I used to give her food in front of the tv and then feed my baby. I did my duties as a DIL...but couldn't continue sweet or close talking with them( How could I- when my heart was filled with so much sorrow)...so they got so upset about it that they scolded me badly. They even warned my husband that he should have enough control over me.

I wanted to keep a nanny- so again I had to listen to my MIL's lecture - like how she managed everything without a maid and all. I was in pain, had only 3 weeks off and MIL wasn't ready to offer much help...so what was I supposed to do? I used to everything right from cooking, changing baby's nappies, feeding,and sometimes dusting too. The only thing that my MIL used to do was the laundry and sometimes dishes !

Initially I used to feel sorry for my MIL, since she didn't have any friends or social circle...so I used to call her every alternate day. I even wrote letters to her- so that she may not feel lonely. But then i discovered the reason for not socializing..beacuse she can not get along with anyone !!! Later I came to know through some of our common friends & relatives that she had problem with almost everyone. So now I am convinced that no matter how hard I try, I can never make them happy.
But the feeling that is killing me is that my hubby doesn't want to understand this- he is totally mum's boy. He doesn't even want to listen to my side of story. If I tell anything against his mom...he gets so furious, stops talking to me and his whole behavior changes...I am tired of all this.

Please tell me..what should I do ?
How do I react when I see my in-laws posioning our married life ?
How do i confront them knowing that my hubby will never take my side ?
How do I make them both see that the situation is really stressing me ?

I have tried talking to my hubby in all possible ways, but nothing seems to work. He completely believes them- doesn't even think that they are also human beings and not perfect. They can also make mistakes.

I want some peace & happiness in my life. me-me replied. Your post has really upset me. Its a shame you are at a point where your in-law problems are now something you carry so deeply you can not forget them even at work. I think the greatest thing you can do is go through all the problems with your hubby point by point and try to find some resolution. Eventually you do have to try to let go of these probelsm enough to get through life because you have 2 lovely children to give so much to, and yes even a husband that needs your love.

1. You have to stop allowing them to critisize your family. I think that it is just vile that someone would condemn anothers family. I am certain that your family are precious to you and hearing this must break your heart so let your hubby know that it needs to end, he would not allow you to do the same so he must adhere to this also. Direct or indirect its an insult that is unnecessary.

2. Unfortunately so many men feel the need to control money. I myself don't have a big problem with one person being the magor controller as long as the other person is FULLY aware of the financial situation and all the money coming in and out. I doubt that you would send him bankrupt and treating you this way is rediculous!

3. What is this back stabbing? Why does your husband allow them to talk about you like this in such an underhanded way? You've got to get him to see that such actions poison the trust in a marriage and that can only lead to further problems.

4. It is nice he wishes to call his family so often and sure if he wants to give them an idea of what is going on thats ok. But an idea is different to a full blown description of daily goings on. As for arguments, well, like love making that is a very precious part of marriage that SHOULD NOT be shared. Imagine how he would feel if you talked about such a tender subject with others. I know you might find it silly to compare a fight and sex but really they are something that should NOT be shared. Please talk with him, again this is an issue of trust.

4. You know now that any financial transactions you make are going to be questioned by your hubby. It is all well and good that you've sat quietly for his but that has now changed. Seeing as he is going to question you it is time to do the same. You can not go through knowing nothing, this is a common courtesy entitled to you and you need to convince him of it.

5. Again with the condemnation of you? Maybe you can not stop her talking about you so negativly but you could encourage your husband to prevent her doing it so you over hear it. And it should NEVER happen in front of your children. Your hubby would die if you put his mother down so let him know your children deserve the same as he in never having to witness it.

6. Please don't take this the wrong way but I am surprised a the help many indian women expect after having a baby. In the west if a woman has a child her duties don't lessen they increase and if family come stay after the birth, well you must be the gracious hostess to extra people. If a woman dared complain it is almost certain that someone would remind her that at some point in history women gave birth in the fields before resuming work immediately after. I know for myself after I had my second child, I left the hospital 4 hours after the birth and came home to My MIL, SIL and 3 of my hubbies aunties who were staying as they lived inter-state, I did all the housework right away, only stopping to feed the baby, and then prepared all the food etc for a dinner party of 20. As for nannies, well, aside from movie stars, even the busiest working-mothers do not have them. The child is in day care while they work but that is it, we have no house help either. It is frowned aupon as lazy if you ask for help. But after reading so many posts it seems when someone comes to stay after you have had a child you expect them to help, it would appear it is your guests duty to offer you some assistance so I can see why you all take such offence when someone is lazy when you should be resting. A new baby is a gift and you should be treated with respect owing to someone who has just given the world another beautiful soul. You can never change what happened after you had your child so I would suggest you look at it as an example of how selfish people can be. You managed to run a home and attend you guests while raising a new born and that is quite a big job. Well done, be proud of yourself for that success and let the pain go.

What you desperately need to do is talk with your hubby, tell him of the probelms. He might not even realise how badly these things are hurting you, men can be blind. As for Indian men, well they do see their families as the most amazing and flawless of all God's creations. When I married my husband, an Indian, this was all brand new to me so it was twice as hard to understand. In Australia if a man's mother dared to condemn his bride in anyway there would be heavy words issued and his mother would be told in NO uncertain terms that an insult to the bride is an insult to him and should she insult come from his very family, the brides in-laws, well it is all the worse for it stains the very soul of the person who spoke badly.

I know the west seems so much like a debauched place, that we have no concern for others and no real respect of our parents but it is not so. For the sake of ALL involved we feel a few well said words can end years of back stabbing and gossip and end much heartache before it begins. You need to talk with your hubby and establish ground rules so that your marriage can survive. What is a marriage when the wife is a broken spirit? It takes two halves to make a whole and if one is empty you have nothing. Discuss these issues you have shared with everyone here. Decide what things must change for everyones happiness. As for talking about your marrital problems with his family, let him know that is a no go zone and it must stop. And most of all, regardless of your husbands position, STAND UP for yourself. So you're not prefect, nor am I and nor are they, feel proud of the good things in you.
one more DIL replied. look sweet heart this is our common story where our hubbies do take themselves as the very loving sons but don't ever recognise the sacrifice that we made by leaving our parents and our maiden life.
atleast u were working till 4-5 years after marriage but my 15 days leave for marriage turned in to a complete full stop for my career. i was a gold medalist and career oriented but i never got to do a job after my marriage. i have a 2 year old son now and now when i'm planning to join back, my in-laws are unhappy as i wont give the same time to my son.

this page is a great help to let our feelings out burst and destrain ourselves. see the irony we are called \";DIL\"; i.e. heart::: the most soft, delicate and essential part of the body to function. but in fact we are considered as IDLE parts in our family and supposed to bear all pain and tension with no issues throughout our lives.

keep writing when ever u feel like
atleast we all can support eachother at this common forum.

and don't worry 1 job goes 2 morer will come. but before applying for another job, think of taking some strong action and reaching some amicable solution as we all can't escape from it. Ruks replied. Hi read your message. Became absolutely numb reading all this. But nothing new. One conclusion that it is happening to most of the DIL's. So another DIL's story. Same story, my story, your story, her story. Well DIL's we seem to have to live with it and learn to develop a way to fight it and not let our system get affected with it. I have a strong feeling the day, rather the moment we will learn to live with this - our suffering will be over. Things will change for us.

So sorry to know all that u have to go thru. All obedient sons behave the same way. Exactly the same. NOt believing a word of what the wife has to say. So be brave dont give up. Fight with your circumstances.

Would say one good thing is that your in-laws dont seem to live with you. I think its just so good. Rest everything is the same. Husband supporting them with both hands, not saving anything for himself....

This is all i can say now. Feeling sad that u have to go through all this and having to lose your job too.

But keep the faith. Things will change and things will be fine.