My mil favors my co-sister (bil's wife) over me. I have no objection to this because I understand that everyone has his/her favourites.
But the problem is that she intentionally keeps on praising my co-sister in front of me. I can make out that many of her praises do not make any sense and she glorifies her only because she wants me to be jealous. I am not jealous of my co-sister at all, and infact if I feel that some of the things that my mil says about my co-sister are really praiseworthy, I too praise my co-sister. But when I start praising my co-sister my mil acts as if she is ignoring me.
My mil has troubled me a lot and made my life miserable. My co-sister knowing that my mil favours her, tries to please my mil even more by adding oil to fire when my mil is taunting me etc.
For example if there is a function/party in the house and three of us are working together in the kitchen, both of them will either start taunting me or will chat amongst themselves and ignore me altogether so that I am left alone.
After a while I give up trying to be part of the conversation and keep on doing my work in the kitchen. But then they say something about my work eg: they will say that the veggies are not cut properly, that's not the right way to load the dishwasher etc and will redo the work that I have done.
If it becomes too much for me to bear, I come out of the kitchen and watch T.V. or read a magazine or something, because any other work that I do will either be redone or they will say that its not done properly.
When I am alone reading a magazine, watching TV or chatting with other people/guests in the house, my mil says something in front of all the guests in the house, like how tired both of them are because they have been working so hard, just to give an impression that I am a lazy bahu who is sitting and chatting with others and watching T.V. when both of them are working very hard.
Me and my co-sister live in different cities.
This happens when we all come together. As such I do not feel like visiting my bil and my co-sister, whereas they do not have any problem meeting us since its my co-sister that troubles me and not vice versa. If I avoid going to their place my mil gives an impression to everbody that I am a bad bahu who wants to break up their family.
My mil and my co-sister behave with me nicely when there are others around. So no one is ever going to believe what I say.
My husband understands me and tried to talk to his mom once but she refused to accept that she behaves with me in this manner. I guess that is the reason why she behaves with me in a bad manner when nobody is around and in a nice manner when others are around, and everthing that she says is in a taunting manner (never direct) so that I can never point a finger at her.
She is the biggest politician I have ever seen. I was really naive before marraige and though I have changed myself and am not as naive as before, I have realised that I can never behave with them the way they behave with me and never be a politician like them no matter how much I try to change myself.
Please tell me what to do.
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My mil favors my co-sister (bil's wife) over me. I have no objection to this because I understand that everyone has his/her favourites.
But the problem is that she intentionally keeps on praising my co-sister in front of me. I can make out that many of her praises do not make any sense and she glorifies her only because she wants me to be jealous. I am not jealous of my co-sister at all, and infact if I feel that some of the things that my mil says about my co-sister are really praiseworthy, I too praise my co-sister. But when I start praising my co-sister my mil acts as if she is ignoring me.
My mil has troubled me a lot and made my life miserable. My co-sister knowing that my mil favours her, tries to please my mil even more by adding oil to fire when my mil is taunting me etc.
For example if there is a function/party in the house and three of us are working together in the kitchen, both of them will either start taunting me or will chat amongst themselves and ignore me altogether so that I am left alone.
After a while I give up trying to be part of the conversation and keep on doing my work in the kitchen. But then they say something about my work eg: they will say that the veggies are not cut properly, that's not the right way to load the dishwasher etc and will redo the work that I have done.
If it becomes too much for me to bear, I come out of the kitchen and watch T.V. or read a magazine or something, because any other work that I do will either be redone or they will say that its not done properly.
When I am alone reading a magazine, watching TV or chatting with other people/guests in the house, my mil says something in front of all the guests in the house, like how tired both of them are because they have been working so hard, just to give an impression that I am a lazy bahu who is sitting and chatting with others and watching T.V. when both of them are working very hard.
Me and my co-sister live in different cities.
This happens when we all come together. As such I do not feel like visiting my bil and my co-sister, whereas they do not have any problem meeting us since its my co-sister that troubles me and not vice versa. If I avoid going to their place my mil gives an impression to everbody that I am a bad bahu who wants to break up their family.
My mil and my co-sister behave with me nicely when there are others around. So no one is ever going to believe what I say.
My husband understands me and tried to talk to his mom once but she refused to accept that she behaves with me in this manner. I guess that is the reason why she behaves with me in a bad manner when nobody is around and in a nice manner when others are around, and everthing that she says is in a taunting manner (never direct) so that I can never point a finger at her.
She is the biggest politician I have ever seen. I was really naive before marraige and though I have changed myself and am not as naive as before, I have realised that I can never behave with them the way they behave with me and never be a politician like them no matter how much I try to change myself.
Please tell me what to do.
Hosai replied. My heart goes out to you for your pain and your dilemma. Know that your pain is felt and shared, and you are not alone in this. Know also, that this is not the end of the line for you, and none of the drama will mean anything to you when you die, and we will all die one day. It will all leave us at the grave, our wealth, our pain, and our oppression. Know that God created your mother-in-law and can destroy her the same. God created your Co-sister and can destroy her as well. Know that God-willingly, with every struggle, comes relief. And though it may seem far away, relief will come God-willingly.
It is really great that you live away from your inlaws, and have your own seperate life with your husband. Relinquish in that life, and love it, and be grateful to your Creator for it. Spend quality time with your husband, with your friends, and just really learn to mellow down at home.
God sees everything. We may feel alone in this world sometimes, but we are never alone. God sees everything you go through, the intentions of your heart, all your hard work and tolerance with your inlaws, how your mother in law treats you, and your pain and suffering in all of this. Use this situation to somehow \";build you\"; and \";make you\"; and not break you to pieces. Pray to your Creator, pray for help, pray for peace, pray for comfort and relief, and pray for much forgiveness, and let your FAITH
sustain you, and God-willingly be your sanity.
I have learned that when all else falls away, when people like your inlaws step all over you like you this unfeeling synthetic dummy on the floor, when they hurt you so unrelentingly, and your sanity and your peace all shatter aound you because of it, and your preciious heart breaks into all these tiny pieces around you, GOD IS STILL THERE AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE AND IS A PERMENANT REFUGE FOR US when the wordly conveniences and inconveniences leave us. With my own inlaw situation, in these past 2 years or so, I have learned to rely on GOD more than I have ever have, and made my faith sustain me when my heart did not, and it has been the best source of comfort of peace I have ever had. It is really the only \";lasting\"; thing out there for me, my faith in my Creator, that has remained a consistent positive force in my life. Now I know why God put me through this, and I know that I am a better person because of it. Not in all ways, but in faith.
So have faith. God is putting you throught this because you can handle it. God never puts us through something we can't bear. And sometimes God tests us this way, to see if we will turn to him, or turn the other way, and let our heart grow hard.
Know that by your co-sister's situation being so much easier than yours does not mean God has favoured her over you. No, it does not that at ALL. The situation she is in is a test for her too, to see how she will use it and act towards it. Like will she use her advantages in a good way or bad way? Obviously, she has used them for evil gains, by hurting you, and taking your mother-in-laws side to hurt you.
But God has not favoured her over you, and that is all that matters. Who cares what your ML has favoured, in the end, she will have to answer. So know that if justice escapes you in this world, it will prevail on the day of judgement. On that day, no one will be able to escape, and all injustices will be paid.
[24.23] Surely those who accuse chaste believing women, unaware (of the evil), are cursed in this world and the hereafter, and they shall have a grievous chastisement.
God said in the Holy Koran:
[24.23] Surely those who accuse chaste believing women, unaware (of the evil), are cursed in this world and the hereafter, and they shall have a grievous chastisement.
[24.24] On the day when their tongues and their hands and their feet shall bear witness against them as to what they did.
[24.25] On that day Allah will pay back to them in full their just reward, and they shall know that Allah is the evident Truth.
So have faith, and try to be content, and make the the life you live with your husband mean more and be worth more. And when you visit for you mother in law, be kind for no other reason than to please your creator. Dont' attach your precious HEART to your visits over there, and don't put so much feeling into it. Go and come out, and when you come out, LEAVE ALL THE BAGGAGE there at your motherinlaws house, and come out free and uninhabited.
Your life is not for them. Your mother inlaw is NOTHING. Your co-wife is NOTHING. If they are kind, all praise be to God, if they are mean, all praise be to God. Your happiness and peace do not orbit around your mother in law. You sanity does not depend on her treatment. You are strong and independant, and years ago, you did not even know she existed.
So who cares what she says, and who she likes? Who cares what your co-wife sister says! Forget them. They are nto worth it. You are too awesome, and too precious, and too much of a great person to let them break your heart, and screw your mind up.
Get your life together, and don't be nervous anymore or hurt anymore about the way they treat you. Just go there as few times as you can, and rely on God to get you through. Get to know yourself, your strengths and weakensses,and work on them. Don't try to win them over. They are not worth it!!
If you lose their love, and respect, who cares. It is not losing them that matters, it will be YOU WHO WILL BE FOUND.
, you are not doing anything wrong to them
indian gal replied. Dear,
* you are getting worked up bcos you want to be a part of them. Leave it!! If they do not appreciate ur help in parties etc. do not help. Let them do all work whereas you too take the strategy of just helping when there are ppl around & relaxing when ur MIL/SIL is around. Give them a piece of their cake!! They would soon get very frustrated esp ur MIL with ur behaviour.
* Let her praise her heart full to ur co-sis or anyone else. Neither do you join or oppose them bcos anyway you dont live with them so dont have to deal them everyday.
* Let ur MIL pretend how much work she does and let her really do it till the point she gets exhausted really. Let her get in her head straight that she has to give up the authority to expect anything from you.
* Do not complain abt ur MIl and SIL all the time to ur husband. It is more than enough he knows what his mom is upto. Indulge in similar politics as them where you pretend when ppl are around and turn a lazy bone when she's alone. Soon she will be fed up. Bcos all MILs want to laze around not moving a finger giving orders to their DILs.
When she has to do the work she will turn 180 degrees around.
* Just watch the fun how long ur MIL and SIL get along. As far as I have seen no DIL-ILs combo has stayed in peace, harmony etc for long. It can only be as long as either or both have some selfish motives lying beneath.
Good luck!
kkk replied. hi,
I got married recently and although i cannot tell/advice u what to do as i am inexperienced.....i am writing this just to let u know that i can understand what u r going thr'.
I think MIL's tend to indulge in favouritism just to create a rift between her 2 DIL's.But its up to the DIL's to understand this cunning strategy of MIL.
In fact in my case....just after my engagement my to-be MIL used to praise my co-sis a lot ,telling me all the time how well she cooks etc etc.She also went to the extent of telling me how well my co-sis's family had arranged the marriage and all!!!
I had to hear all this stuff even before i was to become a DIL.But after my marriage ,within 3mnths i realised that actually my co-sis was totally unhappy with my MIL,and my MIL was just saying those things to make me feel resentful towards my bil's wife.
I do not stay with my MIL nor does my co-sis.But even today whenever i talk to my MIL on phone she still tries to use the DIVIDE AND RULE policy!!!
Enough abt me.....i think that in ur case.....although at present ur co-sis and MIL seem to be getting along,this won't go on for ever bcoz it all seems so pretensious.Its just a facade that they r putting up.U will soon witness the emptiness in their relationship.If u have a loving and understanding hubby then he can help u out to deal with this situation.
Meanwhile just ignore their stunts and involve yourself in some hobby .
Hope things get better for u.....
2003-11-02
#1
Name: Hosai Subject: My heart goes out to you
My heart goes out to you for your pain and your dilemma. Know that your pain is felt and shared, and you are not alone in this. Know also, that this is not the end of the line for you, and none of the drama will mean anything to you when you die, and we will all die one day. It will all leave us at the grave, our wealth, our pain, and our oppression. Know that God created your mother-in-law and can destroy her the same. God created your Co-sister and can destroy her as well. Know that God-willingly, with every struggle, comes relief. And though it may seem far away, relief will come God-willingly.
It is really great that you live away from your inlaws, and have your own seperate life with your husband. Relinquish in that life, and love it, and be grateful to your Creator for it. Spend quality time with your husband, with your friends, and just really learn to mellow down at home.
God sees everything. We may feel alone in this world sometimes, but we are never alone. God sees everything you go through, the intentions of your heart, all your hard work and tolerance with your inlaws, how your mother in law treats you, and your pain and suffering in all of this. Use this situation to somehow \";build you\"; and \";make you\"; and not break you to pieces. Pray to your Creator, pray for help, pray for peace, pray for comfort and relief, and pray for much forgiveness, and let your FAITH
sustain you, and God-willingly be your sanity.
I have learned that when all else falls away, when people like your inlaws step all over you like you this unfeeling synthetic dummy on the floor, when they hurt you so unrelentingly, and your sanity and your peace all shatter aound you because of it, and your preciious heart breaks into all these tiny pieces around you, GOD IS STILL THERE AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE AND IS A PERMENANT REFUGE FOR US when the wordly conveniences and inconveniences leave us. With my own inlaw situation, in these past 2 years or so, I have learned to rely on GOD more than I have ever have, and made my faith sustain me when my heart did not, and it has been the best source of comfort of peace I have ever had. It is really the only \";lasting\"; thing out there for me, my faith in my Creator, that has remained a consistent positive force in my life. Now I know why God put me through this, and I know that I am a better person because of it. Not in all ways, but in faith.
So have faith. God is putting you throught this because you can handle it. God never puts us through something we can't bear. And sometimes God tests us this way, to see if we will turn to him, or turn the other way, and let our heart grow hard.
Know that by your co-sister's situation being so much easier than yours does not mean God has favoured her over you. No, it does not that at ALL. The situation she is in is a test for her too, to see how she will use it and act towards it. Like will she use her advantages in a good way or bad way? Obviously, she has used them for evil gains, by hurting you, and taking your mother-in-laws side to hurt you.
But God has not favoured her over you, and that is all that matters. Who cares what your ML has favoured, in the end, she will have to answer. So know that if justice escapes you in this world, it will prevail on the day of judgement. On that day, no one will be able to escape, and all injustices will be paid.
[24.23] Surely those who accuse chaste believing women, unaware (of the evil), are cursed in this world and the hereafter, and they shall have a grievous chastisement.
God said in the Holy Koran:
[24.23] Surely those who accuse chaste believing women, unaware (of the evil), are cursed in this world and the hereafter, and they shall have a grievous chastisement.
[24.24] On the day when their tongues and their hands and their feet shall bear witness against them as to what they did.
[24.25] On that day Allah will pay back to them in full their just reward, and they shall know that Allah is the evident Truth.
So have faith, and try to be content, and make the the life you live with your husband mean more and be worth more. And when you visit for you mother in law, be kind for no other reason than to please your creator. Dont' attach your precious HEART to your visits over there, and don't put so much feeling into it. Go and come out, and when you come out, LEAVE ALL THE BAGGAGE there at your motherinlaws house, and come out free and uninhabited.
Your life is not for them. Your mother inlaw is NOTHING. Your co-wife is NOTHING. If they are kind, all praise be to God, if they are mean, all praise be to God. Your happiness and peace do not orbit around your mother in law. You sanity does not depend on her treatment. You are strong and independant, and years ago, you did not even know she existed.
So who cares what she says, and who she likes? Who cares what your co-wife sister says! Forget them. They are nto worth it. You are too awesome, and too precious, and too much of a great person to let them break your heart, and screw your mind up.
Get your life together, and don't be nervous anymore or hurt anymore about the way they treat you. Just go there as few times as you can, and rely on God to get you through. Get to know yourself, your strengths and weakensses,and work on them. Don't try to win them over. They are not worth it!!
If you lose their love, and respect, who cares. It is not losing them that matters, it will be YOU WHO WILL BE FOUND.
, you are not doing anything wrong to them
2003-11-04
#2
Name: depressed Subject: Thanks
Thank you .. I agree that I cannot break my heart, and screw my mind up because of my MIL and my co-sister. I know GOD is great and will be there with me all the time. Thanks once again.
2003-10-06
#3
Name: indian gal Subject: MIL & SIL
Dear,
* you are getting worked up bcos you want to be a part of them. Leave it!! If they do not appreciate ur help in parties etc. do not help. Let them do all work whereas you too take the strategy of just helping when there are ppl around & relaxing when ur MIL/SIL is around. Give them a piece of their cake!! They would soon get very frustrated esp ur MIL with ur behaviour.
* Let her praise her heart full to ur co-sis or anyone else. Neither do you join or oppose them bcos anyway you dont live with them so dont have to deal them everyday.
* Let ur MIL pretend how much work she does and let her really do it till the point she gets exhausted really. Let her get in her head straight that she has to give up the authority to expect anything from you.
* Do not complain abt ur MIl and SIL all the time to ur husband. It is more than enough he knows what his mom is upto. Indulge in similar politics as them where you pretend when ppl are around and turn a lazy bone when she's alone. Soon she will be fed up. Bcos all MILs want to laze around not moving a finger giving orders to their DILs.
When she has to do the work she will turn 180 degrees around.
* Just watch the fun how long ur MIL and SIL get along. As far as I have seen no DIL-ILs combo has stayed in peace, harmony etc for long. It can only be as long as either or both have some selfish motives lying beneath.
Good luck!
2003-10-17
#4
Name: depressed Subject: Thanks
Dear N,
Thanks for your reply.
My mil's mil was very "Bholi Bhali". My mil has always been very dominating. If her behavior was like this bcoz she had been troubled in the past by her mil, i would have been more understanding. But my mil never listened to her mil and now she wants me to believe that a mil's wish should be a dil's command. This makes me even more furious.
I know my mil has picked this attitude from her parents.
I am not sure if i would ever have the courage to ask her the question about where she got her attitude from, but I would like to see the expressions on her face, in case I do.
Thanks once again for ur reply ..
2003-10-17
#5
Name: N Subject: Ask her a question
Dear Depressed,
I want you to ask just one question to ur MIL, its not dis-repectful, just ask her 'mum, did ur MIL treat you like this, or have you picked this attitude from outside?'
You have not asked anything wrong, be strong and play fire with fire.
N
2003-10-06
#6
Name: depressed Subject: Thank you
Dear Indian gal,
Thank you very much for your reply. I agree with you, I should also play some politics with my mil and sil just as they play politics with me. I should give them their piece of cake.
I was really depressed today with the way they behaved with me this weekend but reading all your suggestions made me feel much better. THANKS A LOT !
2003-10-06
#7
Name: kkk Subject: bil's wife
hi,
I got married recently and although i cannot tell/advice u what to do as i am inexperienced.....i am writing this just to let u know that i can understand what u r going thr'.
I think MIL's tend to indulge in favouritism just to create a rift between her 2 DIL's.But its up to the DIL's to understand this cunning strategy of MIL.
In fact in my case....just after my engagement my to-be MIL used to praise my co-sis a lot ,telling me all the time how well she cooks etc etc.She also went to the extent of telling me how well my co-sis's family had arranged the marriage and all!!!
I had to hear all this stuff even before i was to become a DIL.But after my marriage ,within 3mnths i realised that actually my co-sis was totally unhappy with my MIL,and my MIL was just saying those things to make me feel resentful towards my bil's wife.
I do not stay with my MIL nor does my co-sis.But even today whenever i talk to my MIL on phone she still tries to use the DIVIDE AND RULE policy!!!
Enough abt me.....i think that in ur case.....although at present ur co-sis and MIL seem to be getting along,this won't go on for ever bcoz it all seems so pretensious.Its just a facade that they r putting up.U will soon witness the emptiness in their relationship.If u have a loving and understanding hubby then he can help u out to deal with this situation.
Meanwhile just ignore their stunts and involve yourself in some hobby .
Hope things get better for u.....
2003-10-06
#8
Name: depressed Subject: Thaks for the reply
Dear kkk,
Thanks a lot for your suggestions and for sharing your story. Though you never want anybody to go through what you are going, sometimes it gives you strength to know that you are not alone.
I agree with you. Indian mil's have been following the divide and rule policy for years. Maybe it worked in olden days where DILs did not have any option but to live in a joint family. But these days mil's want their sons to have good relations with each other and with each other's families on one hand and on the other hand they want to create a rift between their bahus.
I think the British got the Divide and Rule policy idea, only after coming to India, from the Indian mils of those days. :)
Anyway jokes apart, thanks once again for your reply. It means a lot to me.
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My heart goes out to you
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