Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi.

i am here to share some of my woes with someone who is under similar situation or someone who could understand.
i have read the horrid stories of some of you here and it seems to me there are plenty who are really brave and i cannot have imagined myself in the same situations

however,sometimes things can be very strange and more difficult to handle when things are not completely black and white.

my in-laws are staying with us for the past 1 month and they are going to be here for another 5.
they are very possesive(i use the word as it is more than a hobby for them)about the kitchen at home and cooking.

i have been married for 3 years,lost a baby at 7 months last year and have been out of work for 1 year.
i have a good relationship with my husband,but for my bouts of depression since i lost my baby.and not working and staying at home does not help.

anyway,my in laws ,especially my FIl very insensitively completely took over my role as soon as he came here.,took charge of the kitchen,shopping and accompanying my husband everywhere i used to before.
it is not that he should not enjoy the privileges,but it is the seizing act as though i am inexistent that has hurt me most.it could have been a sharing act.i can understand that they felt very inhibited at my BIL's place where they stayed before as my BIL is the boss there.
But,at the same time,i do not think it is justified that i pay the price for something that's not my fault.

the other things that they do are also quite upsetting.
for instance,they tend to tell me to do things,like eating a particular breakfast item they want me to eat...i cannot have what everyone has or what i want.
but,not my husband as they are little scared of him.

my husband is a nice man and has his outside life quite fulfilling as a doctor.so,these problems are too petty for his standards.
i am a doctor too,but have lost pace right now because of the gap of a year since my pregnancy.

i feel the reason i feel so bad about these small thing is that i have nothing creative to fill up my time with and have sought gratification in housework and being a housewife for a year.

i feel undervalued by my in-laws and taken for granted most of the times.
if i start to share things with my husband,he feels bad and feels life should not be so complex.
i can understand him.
but,how do i help my ownself.
i feel trapped.
i am trying to look for some kind of a job to keep myself busy.
i'll be grateful for some kind suggestions to improve my psychological well being.please help me. me-me replied. Hey Deepu,

Time to get life back in track honey. For a long time you have floated in a limbo without drive, you have suffered something terrible but hey, pick yourself up and start again. This could be the very thing you need for yourself and as a remedy to your problems at home. First of all get your husbands support, there will be times he may need to defend you against the family as you begin taking control.

It could be possible that half the problems with your in-laws is because they may be trying to 'shelter' you fater your loss. Are you ready t begin working again? If so the outside life would help you to ignore the problems at home, but I think perhaps you're not ready. Lets start small, you've been through alot so baby steps will be best.

I think you should sit down with everyone and talk to them. Tell them you are feeling better and that their support and help has been wonderful but it is time for you to exist again. Let your in-laws know (espec FIL) that you will now be accompanying your hubby to all the places you used to, thank them for filling in but stress you need to start again as part of your healing.

Take over in the kitchen, you can begin by choose your own breakfast, let them know what you want and stick to it. Say what a nice suggestion they had for you but no thank you I will eat this. Look, depression is an illness, think how much of what has occured might be because they have meant well. I know just how pliable a person can be when they are depressed, they just want to be left alone so they agree to alot or ignore alot. Parents and In-Laws often railroad up in a misguided attempt of help.

Start helping yourself, as you have said you fee inexistant, begin by showing you exist. This need not be a hostile take over, start small by making your own decision and thanks but no thanks to theirs. Start going out with hubby, this will really make you begin feeling life again. Join the family shopping and get items for meals you would like to prepare. Begin with a bit of compromise and slowly but surely assert yourself.

Most of all you need to accept your loss and rebuild your life. I knew a friend in a similar situation and they were upset and being treated the same. A lot of her problem is she allowed it and when the time came to pick herself up she didnt so it continued. In the end her friends and I all sat her down and said c'mon, start again, no more being a doormat fine but you have to live to do that. Begin living Deepu and I wish you a long and happy life

Rukmini replied. Dear Deepu,

Am so sorry to read of your current plight. Well, but can tell u that i too am sailing in the same boat. Cant imagine a person who is a Doctor herself can also have to go thru all this shit.

Same here man, dont worry is all i can say. Baby u are lucky having borne all this only for a month now. Imagine i have to go thru this hell day in and day out....its my 3rd year of marriage and am going thru this kind of a complex life (and even worse) since the day i got married.

My husband too is very nice and when i talk to him about these issues (which are petty for him) he too wants to keep away from them. But i dont know why these men dont understand that while these issues might be very petty for them, for us (who are facing it first hand) these things dont leave us.

I have a whole joint family to deal with. There is a common kitchen Parents in law, brother in law, his wife and 2 toddlers who are such a pain in the neck.

The mother-in-law sides with the other brother and his family. My husband funds the whole house, even the other brother's every expense. Right from his kids expenses to all the household bills...u name it and it goes out of his pocket and i am left to feel bad about the fact that my mil dictates her terms on my husband and runs the house according to her whims and fancies..

How i hate my MIL. But girls, we have no choice....but pray to God to have mercy on us and one day deliver us from this (mil) evil.

Well, will write to u more often and all i can tell u is do not worry....it shall all pass and then there is always silver lining at the end of the clouds.

Hugs from another suffering friend of yours...

lets chat up, if u want...my email id is rain100(_)inatyahoodotcom