Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

dear me-me,thank you so much for ur response.i was not expecting anything this soon after posting my message.i was hoping you would reply as i have read ur guidance to some others.my this mail might sound different from my previous mail with regards to my in-laws as they are not actually how it sounded in my message.when one is depressed,one tends to muddle things and not be able to think or act productively.this is what i think is happening to me,it's funny inspite of being doctors,me and my husband do not want to confront the issue that i might be depressed....we have thought of trying to take help,but it is all the more difficult in a foreign country,especially going by our past experiences.(sometimes,i weep so unconrollably,i am myself disgusted afterwards,but i just cannot help it)as you know,depression is sort of an illness of the elite.people in countries like india(the majority living below poverty line) do not have the time to be depressed,let alone the diagnosis.about my in-laws,they are actually not of the trouble-maker type that many describe here.my mil is actually not like a typical mil at all.they have had to endure a lot of difficulties in life due to poverty and yet have raised their children in the best possible manner.i can see where a lot of pradeep's(my husband)good nature and strong character comes from...understanding the value of hardwork and preciousness of life.unfortunately,it's a mixed bag of things..my husband's family had to live with a joint family(on my mil's side)and as my in-laws were not on par with others,they had to live a belittled and humiliated life.the women in these families were mostly rich housewives,not hesitant to dominate and show down my in-laws,in a given situation.so,obviously,my husband and his brother have grown up seeing their parents having to face all this and struggle for their identity.my husband is amazingly balanced in spite of all this.the trouble is from all this my fil believes women need to be under men's control and only likes women who listen to men or those with specific qualities he has in mind.in my case,i have had few childhood problems.i have a temperamental and controlling father and a mother who coped(or rather miscoped)through converting her mental agonies into unresolving physical ailments.i remember having to do the housechores as a child and looking after my mum,in addition to going to school,college.i was(fortunately or unfortunately)good at school in india and even topped academically a lot of times.so,i have felt both responsible and yet vulnerable.i was however a bookworm and as and how time went on,they were more important things(survival skills and assertivesness) in life that had to be learnt and i did not.i grew to be too soft for competition.my physical appearance(i am less than 5 feet tall,although i am reasonably good looking and had a heartthrob ot two as a youngster)made me easy prey to bullying and ridicule and slowly i knowingly and unknowingly gave way to things and my confidence crumbled.when i got married,my life did change a lot because my husband was(still is)a giving type of person.i could not ask for more.but again,grappled with earnest love,i did things for him that were beyond my capacity like coming to uk before him to stabilise ourselves financially and in the process faced things i was unprepared for and that did worse for my already low self-esteem.i also lost myself more as i was more interested in my husband than myself.my husband was also confused after marriage,but has pulled himself back,well in a way he had to!he had stomachs to fill.i know many of my friends who have so much to think about in life,and so many practical and survival problems that my issue of self-confidence and all seems pretty pale in comparison.all i know is life is not perfect,but i do want to make most of this life.i want to be able to face life's difficulties,find solutions.be creative and important.am i being over-introspective?i really do not know.sometimes,i feel i might be giving too much importance to myself,is it so?at the same time,i do not feel the self-love that others do.i do not know if you would have the patience to read my message or reply to it.anyway,thanks for your help again.deepu. Top me-me replied. Hi Deepu,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was more than happy to respond to your post, it was just so obvious that you were hurting. I did hope that my post was not too harsh for you. Depression is very much an uncontrolable thing, the lack of control leads to becoming withdrawn, the withdrawl tends to shut out life and the depression keeps going. Its a vicious circle.

I believe depression among the poor exists also but they are so busy trying to live that it goes un-noticed and ignored. This is no elite problem, it is just that the elite are able to afford the time needed for it. Deepu you are a doctor and you know that this is an illness you have, please do seek help. You shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself for the tears or uncontrolable weeping. It's a syptom. There are surely hundreds of places where you could seek help in the UK and I urge you to take advanatge of them before things get worse.

I can completely sympathise with you. Our lifes have been somewhat similar. My childhood, although privillaged, was rather horrid. My father remarried when I was 12 and he had 3 more children with her. They were my responsibility. My step mother who was a lovely hostess (and yes even a great wife to my father)at all the little parties we threw was also the laziest thing that ever walked the earth. It was me who got up to feed the baby's in the night. I did all the house work and cooking. I even had to prepare the little ones lunches before I went to school. Dad was physically abusive toward only me (so bad I was admitted to hospital a few times) and eveyday they would tell me their new family had no room for me.

Also my grandfather had cancer, he came to live with us and it was me who tended to him. Feeding, bathing, giving meds. Sometimes I wonder why my parents ever lived as they've never done anything for anyone but themselves. I struggled to get good grades but I never had the time, I would fall asleep in class as at home I was up till 3am with duties and I would have to wake again at 5 with the baby's. My depression first began when my grandfather died. In the end I didn't get into a great school because I didn't have the marks to achieve that. Instead I left home and began working. My husband is very well educated as is his entire family, I sometimes find that when they are all talking I am quiet because I simply can not keep up with it.

I still feel like the useless person my family told me I was, I was also born with micro opthalmis in the right eye which had added to my own self-esteem issues. Even now my parents go on and on about the money they spent to make me 'normal' and how it was a waste because at best I am still noticably different. I resent that so much, yes I did feel like a freak as a child & as an adult but those feelings came from home, it was they who told me everyday I would never amount to anything because of my eye. It was they who excluded me from all family portraits until I had finally gotten a prosthetic. Things came to a crisis after I miscarried with my first child. Like you I stopped working, withdrew and I am ashamed to admit I tried to take my own life. I wasn't expected to live and should I have pulled through it was believed I would have severe brain damage. The doctors say it was quite a miracle I came out 100% ok and they insisted I see a psychiatrist and get counseling. I did and I am glad of it.

I still have no self worth but I am ok. I know that pysical looks are not all that important, those who are my friends stay my friends because they like what is inside. I don't mind admitting I had a severe problem with depression and I needed help. Its a shameful thing to try to commit suicide but deep down I know that if I hadn't I would never have got help and I may not be here today. I spent a long time looking at who I was and finding out what was nice about me. Its not selfish or wrong of you to be doing this yourself. You really are just seeking the inner you. Finding out what is left of you and a place to begin to start again.

It sounds like you have some special people around you. So try to take advantage of their help and heal. I am sincerely worried for you and I can not urge you enough to go and seek help Deepu. I notice from your post you downplay your problem by suggesting others are worse off. True as that may be, your problem is very real and can be very dangerous. You may not be struggling to live but you are struggling to be alive. You have lost who you are and you absolutely MUST find out who you are again. Set some small goals and achieve them. As I said before, you must begin with baby steps. They are the easiest, they allow you to set a small pace and keep it rather than giant leaps that leave you lost again. You need to move at such a pace that you can keep it going. Anyway I have written too much, taken too much of your time. Stay strong, and please do seek some professional help. And do remeHi Deepu,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was more than happy to respond to your post, it was just so obvious that you were hurting. I did hope that my post was not too harsh for you. Depression is very much an uncontrolable thing, the lack of control leads to becoming withdrawn, the withdrawl tends to shut out life and the depression keeps going. Its a vicious circle.

I believe depression among the poor exists also but they are so busy trying to live that it goes un-noticed and ignored. This is no elite problem it is just that the elite are able to afford the time needed for it. Deepu you are a doctor and you know that this is an illness you have, please do seek help. You shouldn't feel disgusted with yourself for the tears or uncontrolable weeping. It's a syptom. There are surely hundreds of places where you could seek help in the UK and I urge you to take advanatge of them before things get worse.

I can completely sympathise with you. Our lifes have been somewhat similar. My childhood, although privillaged, was rather horrid. My father remarried when I was 12 and he had 3 more children with her. They were my responsibility. My step mother who was a lovely hostess at all the little parties we threw was also the laziest thing that ever walked the earth. It was me who got up to feed the baby in the night. I did all the house work and cooking. I even had to prepare the little ones lunches before I went to school. Dad was physically abusive toward only me (so bad I was admitted to hospital a few times) and eveyday they would tell me their new family had no room for me.

Also my grandfather had cancer and it was me who tended to him. Feeding, bathing, giving meds. Sometimes I wonder why my parents ever lived as they've never done anything for anyone but themselves. I struggled to get good grades but I never had the time, I would fall asleep in class as at home I was up till 3am with duties and I would have to wake again at 5 with the baby. In the end I didn't get into a great school because I didn't have the marks to achieve that. Instead I left home and began working. My husband is very well educated as is his entire family, I sometimes find that when they are all talking I am quiet because I simply can not keep up with it.

I still feel like the useless person they told me I was, I was also born with micro opthalmis in the right eye which had added to my own self-esteem issues. Even now my parents go on and on about the money they spent to make me 'normal' and how it wa a waste. I resent that so much, yes I did feel like a freak as a child but those feelings came from home, it was they who told me everyday I would never amount to anything because of my eye. It was they who excluded me from all family portraits until I was 10 and had finally gotten a prosthetic. Things came to a crisis after I miscarried with my first child. Like you I stopped working, withdrew and I am ashamed to admit I tried to take my own life. I wasn't expected to live and should I have pulled through it was believed I would have severe brain damage. The doctors say it was quite a mirical I came out 100% ok and they insisted I see a psychiatrist and get counseling. I did and I am glad of it.

I still have no self worth but I am ok. I don't mind admitting I had a severe problem with depression and I needed help. Its a shameful thing to try to commit suicide but deep down I know that if I hadn't I would never have got help and I may not be here today. I spent a long time looking at who I was and finding out what was nice about me. Its not selfish or wrong of you to be doing this yourself. You really are just seeking the inner you. Finding out what is left of you and a place to begin to start again.

It sounds like you have some special people around you. So try to take advantage of their help and heal. I am sincerely worried for you and I can not urge you enough to go and seek help Deepu. I notice from your post you downplay your problem by suggesting others are worse off. True as that may be, your problem is very real and can be very dangerous. You may not be struggling to live but you are struggling to be alive. You have lost who you are and you absolutely MUST findout who you are again. Set some small goals and achieve them. As I said before, you must begin with baby steps. They are the easiest, they allow you to set a small pace and keep it rather than giant leaps that leave you lost again. You need to move at such a pace that you can keep it going. Anyway I have written too much, taken too much of your time. Stay strong, and please do seek some professional help. And do remember that should you need it, I am here to help you. Sending warm wishes and supportive hugs.... Me-Member that should you need it, I am here to help you. Sending warm wishes and supportive hugs.... Me-Me