Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

As a DIL -- YOU ARE EXPECTED
1. .. to be the most docile creature on this planet
2. ..to laugh at every unlaughable joke being said in the family.
3. ..to bad mouth \";enemies\"; of MIL or FIL or SIL even if u think the other person is nice in some way or other.
4. ..to accompany MIL when she visits her family, and sit around like a dumb fool when u feel out of place in her house.
5. ..to agree to everything decided by FIL/ MIL (no credits even if u know better)
6. ..to be \";expecting\"; the day afetr ur 1st wedding anniversary, or else u will hear it soon from everyone even remotly concerned :)
7. .. to back evey decision ur husband makes whithout consulting u
8 .. to forget ur parents (atleast in part ). No calling them daily even if u live in the same city. (but the rules are different if the couple are staying alone and the husband calls home (ur MIL/ FIL) filiing them up on the daily events.
9 .. to not to talk abt money issues or how much ur husband spend on his family's upkeep even if u find that there is no savings for a rainy day. (no creits here too even if are PhD or anything, bec the prime criteria is that u are a woman and more than that a DIL)
finally!!!
10 .. to be the most understanding model DIL (like a modle house etc) with no expectations or desires of her own and one who (as in old movies) will sacrifice everything for the family that only knows to expect something or the other from you.
swati replied. These husbands r so blind that they dont want 2 beleive any1 but their families only. People say it ends with time but when?? I dont think there is ever an end. They make life hell initially for us DILs. In my case & am sure others as well, these MILs have spent a lifetime in raising the sons and hypnotising them as well. The sons r brainwashed abt how a DIL should behave etc.. Whenever I say a word against his family or close to something negative, my hubby screams at me. Then he says u disrespect me. So touchy abt family that its useless to talk.
But how do we tell them if they r wrong. My MIL was worried (as per my hubby) abt what kind of DIL she would have and my hubby told her I am nice. I think the problem must b with her- inside MIL must b knowing what shes all abt. MILs try to say 'mein bahu ko beti samjhungi'. My hubby even said that 2 me b4 marriage. And, am sure they ask abt me when they call my hubby daily - and hubby thinks'look my parents r so caring\";. Then MIL fills his ears with all rubbish like 'bahus aaj kal ghar barbaad karti hain; bahu ki baat mat suna karo\";. My MIL even gives egs (my hubby is a woman; likes to listen to all gossip)'meri friend ki bahu se fight ho gayee; bahu ne saas ko kaha yaan mein rahugi yaan tu'. Look how bad the bahu is. Then probably my hubby reassures my MIL that he will never let this happen and he would kick the bahu out instead. Ofcourse, my inlaws dont say anything directly to me or my family. They silently r so rude. My MIL didnt even talk to my mother at my reception. But, no1 notices that. They have a good strategy - call son daily and ask him questions. If he says something then correct it to their convenience. I have got 3 to fight against SIL, FIL & MIL. They talk at work so am unaware of what goes on. But, my hubby corrects me on things that I say especially when it comes to traditions. MIL has filled his head so much that I cant change him- he always has an answer to everything. My SIL made way more money than my hubby(and my hubby makes double of what I make) - so much that she can sit a t home in US for a lifetime. When it comes to traditons etc, MIL will lie and tell hubby 'we gave this or that to your sister'. So, my hubby compares and is thankless. Its just assumed that my parents will give. No thanks or anything either. Thats the norm. My MIL even gives egs of what others gave their daughters at marriage - half of the stories are fake ofcourse. Then my family looks so low and kanjoos. But they will never be rude to me on my face but my hubby gets brainwashed on a daily basis. Just cos his sister does things in a certain way, he wants things just the same as well. My sis is younger and divorced so MIL acts as if shes modern and cool but tells my hubby that I have bad feelings towards MILs cos of my sis's ex MIL. So, I will tend to say negative things abt my inlaws. So, thats covered up as well. Another thing is that my hubby gets emotional when she cries. So thats a major strategy as well.I am so independent and cant imagine dealing with this. I feel like running away. just tired!! replied. Hello \";soul\"; and \";a dil\";

I understand what u gals are going thru. Infact I got so very fed up with all the expecations of everybody around me, that i became extremely negative and yes eventually it spills out on none other than the hubby. On one of my quiet moments I realised that all this was making me feel lousy and no one else, so i decided to get creative... :) and channeled all this frustration into making things..... like I joined art classes and as i already had an inclination towards writing, started keeping a diary where i let out the days frustrations, wrtote this piece, .... and it helped me let off some steam, and nowadays I almost look into things in the third person context, and find all these stuff most amusing!!!
If u make a mockery out of the days events u will be able to resist the effects of it better!! soul replied. hi \";a dil\";
i agree with what you are saying and i am going thru the same emotions right now. The bad part is that I am removing all my negative energy on my husband. But to be honest, I dont even hold respect for him any longer. He is 35 yrs old and only child and cannot even open his mouth. I cannot even respect him and am considering leaving him coz even for him having lunch with my cousins is such a big deal. We are both of religions so that does not help either. I am truely going crazy and I need the courage to fight with my inlaws before I take the final step to leave him. If life is so hard now, I wonder what it will be after kids. I am 31 and I am scared to leave him, but at least I will be happier alone. ll replied. kayaa kahanaa a DIL replied. Wow- kya likha hai !! Really well said ! Looks like you have explained my situation and that too so accurate. These are the things that are constantly in my mind- sothe, jagthe , uththe, beththe...every minute, and you have beautifully put them in the words.

I agree with you 1000 %- why do in-laws expect us to be super nice to them , inspite of the fact that they have been rude to us(most of the time). In my case, my in-laws are very suspicious about me & my every action. They always see it from a negative point of view. Now I am tired of being lovey-dovey to them, because I know whatever I do for them, they will never be pleased- so why waste my energy & precious time!

Yes, financial transaction is another issue - my hubby would never tell me about his financial transactions with his parents. It really hurts me. Forget about consulting or discussing, he doesn't even bother to tell me. I feel like telling him- hey I am not going to stop you from giving money to your mum-dad, but atleast share with me-make me feel a part of the family. Had I done the same thing( giving money to my parents without his knowledge), then there would have been a huge uproar in our house and my \";shaqqi & wahmi\"; MIL would have created a great drama & filled up my husband's ears against me ! Such a hypocrite she is !

My MIL is the most negative person that I have ever seen in my life. She thinks that everyone is selfish in this world & she is a great human being. Ask me- how great she is !

Yeah, my MIL also thinks that I should forget my parents & family- she says \"; naye rishthe banana hai tho purane bhool jao\"; my foot -bhool jao!

My In-laws always keep an eye on my phone calls. She never forgets to mention that \";you talked to your mum so & so day\";. And not only this- she even hates if my friends or relatives give me a call. She thinks I spend too much time on the internet & phone calls- and doesn't she waste time when she watches \";kyonkie saas bhie kabhie bahu thie\"; or \";kahanie ghar ghar kie\"; ??

My in-laws expect too much from me and at the same time they want that I should not have any expectations, desires of my own. I should behave like a statue who would always smile & never demand or say anything.

And about the joke part- so true dear- even my MIL-FIL would laugh at useless things & expect me to do the same. How can I , when I don't find anything funny in it ??

And about badmouthing- again 100 % correct. I find my in-laws relatives pretty decent people, but my MIL hates them and she expects me to have the same feelings & opinions about them. How can I stop talking to them when they behave nicely with me, infact a lot better than my in-laws.

I am really sick & tired of this. God knows when this will end.