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Role of in-laws:help me

2005-05-10

Name: natpu Hi
I am having problem from my sil. She doesn't respect anyone but suspects. She uses harsh words at everyone and expects them to be friendly in turn. First i was hurt, but later learnt to ignore her comments and to interact with her normaly.

The problem is she finds fault with everyone and doesn't even hesitate to cross check if her accuisitions are true! She complains to my husband and spoils his mind. Because of this my husband is not able to interact freely with any of my relatives.

I can tolerate her but how can i ask my sibligns to do that. They have their own family, how can their spouses tolerate my sil? When they tell me about how much disrecpect she shows to them, i feel dejected. Neither her nor my mil tell a word of thanks to my relatives, though they have been receiving a lot of physical help from my family. When it comes to finding fault they do it immediately.

My side is a close knit family. I never had any conflicts with any of my sil (brothers wife) till my marriage and even now. We had many cheerful moments. Now I feel like i am cut from my family since my marriage.

Whenever my sil complains to my husband, he gets unpset and angry! My husband is a nice person. I feel sorry for him, but i too like to interact with my siblings as i was doing before my marriage.

She expects us to instruct others as how to interact nicely with her. Whenever some misunderstandings come in a family, we can solve that by discussing with the concerned person. Instead of doing this, if we talk ill of them and invite a third person's interference, how can one feel like interacting with her.

MY sil is married and has nobody from her husband's side to interact with. So she says she wants to interact with my family. It looks like she doesn't know how to make and keep relationships.

Now how can i make her to realize her mistakes!!

Subscribe to this conversation Reply Anonymously

Hi
I am having problem from my sil. She doesn't respect anyone but suspects. She uses harsh words at everyone and expects them to be friendly in turn. First i was hurt, but later learnt to ignore her comments and to interact with her normaly.

The problem is she finds fault with everyone and doesn't even hesitate to cross check if her accuisitions are true! She complains to my husband and spoils his mind. Because of this my husband is not able to interact freely with any of my relatives.

I can tolerate her but how can i ask my sibligns to do that. They have their own family, how can their spouses tolerate my sil? When they tell me about how much disrecpect she shows to them, i feel dejected. Neither her nor my mil tell a word of thanks to my relatives, though they have been receiving a lot of physical help from my family. When it comes to finding fault they do it immediately.

My side is a close knit family. I never had any conflicts with any of my sil (brothers wife) till my marriage and even now. We had many cheerful moments. Now I feel like i am cut from my family since my marriage.

Whenever my sil complains to my husband, he gets unpset and angry! My husband is a nice person. I feel sorry for him, but i too like to interact with my siblings as i was doing before my marriage.

She expects us to instruct others as how to interact nicely with her. Whenever some misunderstandings come in a family, we can solve that by discussing with the concerned person. Instead of doing this, if we talk ill of them and invite a third person's interference, how can one feel like interacting with her.

MY sil is married and has nobody from her husband's side to interact with. So she says she wants to interact with my family. It looks like she doesn't know how to make and keep relationships.

Now how can i make her to realize her mistakes!! Ananymous replied. I know it' s toooooooo late to reply.
But thought of sharing my experience.
My SIL has the same attitude as yours.I love my brother & his wife so much.My brother' s wife is not that good looking or anything but kind with me & she always offered to help me whenever she feels my sound is dull in the phone.such a nice girl.One day my SIL said me where did ur brother choose her from such a bad looking girl (My brother did love marriage).I never opened my mouth before that in front of my inlaws.That was the first time i spoke back.I said what for u.She' s angel to our family & not a good looking devil like you.She just sank in her chair.I didn' t like the way i spoke to her but still who is she to speak abt my brother & his wife.My brother' s wife is almost 7 yrs older than my SIL.Stupid girl has no respect for anyone. me-me replied. Why dont you sit down with your in-laws and mention how it has hurt your family that they have not said any thanks. Its doesnt have to be rude or hurtful to them. You could say your family felt like they were doing wrong or intruded and that no thanks made them feel this way. I dont know but i am sure you can think of how best to handle it.

Explain how appreciationg and gratitude are important to your family and you. All good turns deserve a small reward of thanks and could they please make an allowance for them in that regard,as for SIL let her know that her manner can be shocking and hurtful. She seems nice enough but has an abrasive manner... Talk to them is what I suggest

2007-05-17

Name: Ananymous
Subject:

Talk back whatever comes

I know it' s toooooooo late to reply.
But thought of sharing my experience.
My SIL has the same attitude as yours.I love my brother & his wife so much.My brother' s wife is not that good looking or anything but kind with me & she always offered to help me whenever she feels my sound is dull in the phone.such a nice girl.One day my SIL said me where did ur brother choose her from such a bad looking girl (My brother did love marriage).I never opened my mouth before that in front of my inlaws.That was the first time i spoke back.I said what for u.She' s angel to our family & not a good looking devil like you.She just sank in her chair.I didn' t like the way i spoke to her but still who is she to speak abt my brother & his wife.My brother' s wife is almost 7 yrs older than my SIL.Stupid girl has no respect for anyone.

2005-05-10

Name: me-me
Subject:

good luck

Why dont you sit down with your in-laws and mention how it has hurt your family that they have not said any thanks. Its doesnt have to be rude or hurtful to them. You could say your family felt like they were doing wrong or intruded and that no thanks made them feel this way. I dont know but i am sure you can think of how best to handle it.

Explain how appreciationg and gratitude are important to your family and you. All good turns deserve a small reward of thanks and could they please make an allowance for them in that regard,as for SIL let her know that her manner can be shocking and hurtful. She seems nice enough but has an abrasive manner... Talk to them is what I suggest

2005-05-26

Name: natpu
Subject:

thanks me-me

Hi me-me, I was checking this page last week, but couldn't do that in this week. Sorry about my delayed response. My huband is indeed good. Infact i also find my mil and fil to be good. The person who seems to be creating problem for herself and the others is my sil.
My mil tells me that she couldn't control my sil's activities. I learnt that she has problems in her family due to her nature. She is depressed by the comments from her in-laws and now she seems to be in a totally confused state. The feeling of insecurity is so deep in her. I feel sorry for her. Everybody including her husband gets along with the situation saying she is like that but her heart is good!

I am pretty sure this will not yield any good solution. Only thing which i keep doing now is telling her how the small problems in our family are solved by somebody's intelligence. I am trying to tell her that nobody is perfect and we must see the good side of everyone and ignore other silly comments.

She says its hard for her to practice. She fears so much that me and my big family can separate her from her brother (my hubby) and her parents. Though she is very much possesive of her brother atleast nowadays she has started talking a bit free to me. I think the process is a long one and i have to wait for any improvement in her understanding of the situation.

However i could convince my brother's wife and she tries to ignore my sil's comments and move with them (they both stay in the same city!). I assured her that me and my husband will not jump into any conclusion just based on my sil's complaints.

This is how my story is now!

Again thanks a lot for your post.

2005-05-22

Name: me-me
Subject:

good for you!

Hi Naptu,

Sorry its taken a while to get back to you. I try to come 2-3 times a week and hope you check this page soon. Wow it sounds like you have a great husband, he seems to understand that things do need to be adressed but he also believes that after its done everyone should smile and move on. I think you should ask your husband to be present when you adress problems, he could give you strength just being there.

I am happy you're going to stand up and let people know gently that sometimes things should be changed. I think that if things boil below the surface it leads to more unhappiness so don't feel bad about a little word every now and again if you think you can handle it. Here is to your new hapier life... Good luck

2005-05-13

Name: natpu
Subject:

i am moved

me-me, i don't know how i can express my feelings, but you really moved my heart.

I admire the way you have handled these situations. Its the same way in which my husband wants me to behave. He says we have to take these things lightly, solve it and move on.

In the beginning he himself was confused. Now he knows where the mistake is, but for that he doesn't want me to give up my hope on my in-laws. I respect him for his affection to his family.
He says if one realizes the problem and if one thinks positive, he/she can change the mind of anybody in the family. I find you as the standing example of his belief. Hereafter I will surely try this way.
My best wishes to you and to your family ! I don't know how often do you log on to this page, but i am hoping i can meet you here.

2005-05-13

Name: me-me
Subject:

Always be true to yourself

Hey Again,

You seem a sweet and tolerant DIL. From what little I know you would be a very valuable and cherished addition to any family. Your parents have every right to be proud of you natpu, I know I am. It is just soooo hard to go ahead and say the un-sayable. So many times i sat there thinking I wish i could say it, oh please let me have the strength to say it and then deal with the fall out later. But that just isnt possible. The offense will be immediate and the only way i can deal with it is to be, for want of a better word, MANIPULATIVE of the persons feelings.

For example, my MIL is really over bearing sometimes and she corrects me and my friends, now some of them take extreme offense to this and there started to be lots of tentions. So what i did is I told my MIL how much it bugged certain people but in the same breath I let her know how much I appreciated it and looked forward to her advice... Within reason!

When I took maternity leave after having my son I had my SIL visit everyday with my MIL and it was sort of too much. Also my SIL was very very jealous of my son as he was the first grandson and also she could be very lazy expecting MIL and I to take care of her daughter each day. It grated on me as I would have liked to sit down for a moment rather than running after her toddler and MIL never had any chance to spend time with her grandson.

I asked my SIL to visit me one day and arranged for MIL not to come saying I had a very 'girly talk' with her daughter about. I explained to my SIL that she needed to take responsibility for her daughter because it frustrated us and that of all the people I have never seen anyone make my niece smile as much as she could, I said how she was my role model as a young mum and that I did look to her for guidance... She was very very pleased at that.

As for the jealousy over my son, well there is no denying the first grandchild is always the most memorable. This child reaches all the mile stones first. She would share all these firsts with her mum before anyone else would, how special is that. Problem solved.

You just need to prepare yourself for the sorts of things that will offend them most and have an answer that caters to their ego and also lets them know how special or loved they are. I have had endless problems but these were the first I actually opened up over. Fear is not only natural it is also what helps us to not speak up about pointless thing, helps us to learn tact and when to know silence is golden. Follow your heart and never be afraid to stand up for what is right when you feel you can do so without making more problems. I am glad I could help you in some small way and I wish you all the very best for a long and happy life and a blessed marriage always....

2005-05-12

Name: natpu
Subject:

I like your post

Hi me-me, i really like your advise. You seem to be a kind and understanding person.

I wish i could do what you said. It is difficult for me sometimes to do that - to ignore hurting comments and deeds and go for peace. But that seems to the best solution for a better life.

I got married just an year ago, and as usual was having a lot of expectations. I got shocked by many such things, got afraid and reacted to some. This only lead to further problems. I am feeling that my in-laws also were (and are) having similar fear as how me or my family people will treat them.

I think this fear is the main culprit which often leads one to misunderstand others comments and actions, and finally makes everyone to suspect and to react to others unnecessarily.

I am a working woman. So that gives me a good distraction and the confidence i need. I will try to do what you said, though sometimes i find it hard.

I appreciate you very much for your thoughts.

2005-05-11

Name: me-me
Subject:

finding the words

I completely understand what you're feeling. It can be so hard to find the right words and then just when you find them and use them someone takes offense! I think the hardest part is not always telling them the problems or making them understand it is not hurting them. I find that I begin and end with I don't wish to offend you... And I will explain that I have brought up the issue simple so that no one else is offended, better one person is upset and can move on from that than to have several people upset over something... I do hope you manage to find a way to get this in the open.

2005-05-11

Name: natpu
Subject:

thanks a ton

Hi me-me, thanks a lot for your advise.

I tried talking to my sil, but its difficult for her to understand the situation as she is from a nuclear family. She thinks my family is close knit because all are good and understanding at all times. I tried to tell her that conflicts do come in my family and someone or the other behaves brilliantly and tackles the situation. It is not like only one person who tolerates and directs others in the proper way.

My husbands family is different, everybody yields to his sister. I think, because of this she is unable to understand how to adjust in a different situation.

May be i can try talking to my mother-in-law who is elderly and can understand things better. However finding proper words to discuss these matters with them seems to be a real exercise as both of them are very sensititive.

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