Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello me-me,

I really like ur suggestions that you share with Naptu.

Well, I am also facing similar problems in my joint family.

All my efforts since last one year have failed to win my MIL and FIL. They just want me my husband to behave totally as a slave to them.

Even they want to control our decision making in our personal things also.

Can u please help me as how can i make my MIL understand on the following :

(1) My MIL competed with me right from the first day of my marriage for his son. She just had two sons no daughter and i am married to the elder one. The younger one is still bachelor. Well, i expected a elder lady out of her but she behaves a girl of my age and competes and talks to my husband like that. She wants everything i have. Try to keep my husband busy with her talks, doesn't share anything with me but just starts like a news channel with i leave her and my husband alone (sorry to say this).

(2) We both husband wife are working and reach same time at home. We hardly spent couple of hours at home on weekdays but this also becomes miserable to spend at times especially on Sundays. they never leave us alone not for a even a small walk.

(3) i struggled through their interference of my MIL and FIL almost a year and tried to explain things to them but in return i was declared as a person with a bad TONE and can not be tolerated.

(4) As per my husband, i tried to ignore many things and even started to re-win my MIL by talking to her, spending time with her, playing cards, giving her gifts but all this end to nothing. She is continue with her behaviour. Imagine she wants to go with my husband on her bike for a ride NO WITH HER OWN HUSBAND.

(4) She behaves like a unmarried girl with my husband not like a elderly woman. She doesn't even want ot listen to this word elderly for her./

(5) She will buy expensive things for her and show it to me and my husband tells to save for our new house. She PUTS flowers in her hair and show it to me and ask how she is looking.

I fail to understand her behaviour. I was told by many people that try to win her by becoming like a daughter and she doesn't had a daughter but still nothing changeed. The most irritating part is they want me to behave like a slave. if they have asked anything then i should get up immediately and never say NO. otherwise they start abusing me image my FIL did this recently but later i took my stand and told him that he should be decent enought while talking to me otherwise i will not talk to him.

Really don't know how this will end as this had made my husband and my life miserable. He is caught in b/w his parents and wife and he really can't leave them even if they WILL KILL ME SOMEDAY :-( me-me replied. Hi Bubly,

Sorry I took so long to post, I have not checked back here in a while. You have quite the dilema on your hands here. From what i have read your MIL is avoiding age and is trying to be young. I dont think you can win her over as a daughter. Why not try treating her, respectfully, as a peer. Cater to her desire to be young and beautiful. No more cards, try a girly day.

Suggest a day of beauty, do her nails, colour her hair or change the style. Take her shopping for a new outfit. Something sensible but stylish and exciting. Just do what ever is within your budget. If you see some lovely flowers why not bring them home and say howlovely they would look in her hair or how nicely they'd go with this or that which she wears.

I've never learned how to avoid being a slave, I have never worked out how to change it without creating more drama. I don't like with my in-laws although they live very very close to me (5 mins walk)... Living in a joint family can be so hard but sometimes financially it is a good option to have. Always dwell on the positives of the situation. You do need to get away from being the slave though, if you're relaxed you wont mind so much I think.

I really think you should talk with your husband about the need for time alone. A romantic walk, romantic picnic a romantic anything to have time alone. Let him know you want this. Set a day aside once a month or more frequently but no less than once a month for you and he to be alone.

You could even suggest that occasionally you take your in-laws with you for a ride or a picnic but do make sure you have alone time when you can. Plan for once a week that you both go to your room early, light some candles and wear something pretty, men tend to like when you do this. It will help him to remember why alone time is important. All the best in making your life happier