Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi girls,
i needed some advise from you all, esp vd, augutsborn.....
well, i am married for 2 yrs and live in US of A. i too have had my probs with my ILs. my ILs are not very bad as i can now see on IP but still they are not very good also. they have said some bad things to me and so on.
now, i have not told this things to my husband. i had just tried telling him one time and he reacted so strangely(he is otherwise very loving). he seemed very stubborn and he just defended the ILs.
now, i wanted to tell him all the things that have happenned in the 2 yrs.augustborn u said in your last reply to diamond that 'make him understand and don't complain'. but this is just not possible for my case. in whatever nice way i talk, my husband always thinks that i am complaining. i cannot say that i am telling you thia for your information else he will say i don;t need this information. then how should i tell him? and then he will not talk to me for properly for 2-3 days.
like i tried to tell him this-my FIL had said that i don;t cook food.now, i wanted to tell this to my husband because i felt very bad. so now i say frequently say to him that i don't cook good. then he says 'it is not so. i like whatever you cook' or 'who said this to you'?but even then i cannot tell him that FIL said this.
so how should i tell him and not look bad?
please help me. Another suffering dil replied. I have been married 2 years ago, from the day of our marriage I am staying with my in-laws.
Initial days were cool , thinking my MIL is good she does all the house hold work since I work in MNC.
But as the days passes by she never gave a space for me to move around in the house. I dont have even the right
to cook or to arrange the things in the house per my dreams. Even to cook dal I need to take my MIL permission.
Its all their world I am just there. My husband never understands this on the top of that he always finds faults in
me if I say anything about my in-laws. And then he stops talking to me for 2-3 days. It is very depressing ..
I dont have any right to do anything at home.
I am just kept away from everything. My FIL also creates so many problems. He always shouts if anything is not done
according to his wish. I am really helpless.. I dont know what to do except keeping the things inside and suffer.

I felt better when I saw this forum . I expect valuable advice from you. another sufferring dil replied. thanks tejmom and diamond for your help very much. tejmom replied. just tell your husband u want to talk to him. if he says that he is not prepared to listen to this. tell him that u have the right to express your views. make him sit. ask him to listen to u patiently. inspite of all this if he doesnt listen to u. go on a hunger strike. iam sorry to say this. but this is what iam planning to do if my in laws or my husband hurts me next time. be polite. and try out this. this might really shake them. but dont be v.truthful. if u cant do hungerstrike, just pretend to do it. dont think thats not right. your dont need to be truthful to inlaws who hurt you.
diamond replied. Dear...don't make this mistake that I myself did in the first year of my marriage. I, being too naive, never ever uttered even a single word against my In-laws, thinking that if I say anything about them, my hubby may take it otherwise. I knew from the beginning that he loves a lot his parents, so he would never believe me- so I just kept quiet. But believe me- it was a big big mistake.

I agree with augustborn that we must stand up for ourselves, beacuse no one else will. Ye duniya aise hi hai...be smart, make a list of your points, try 2 frame sentences in such a way that should not sound as complaints. If he asks you that y are you telling him all this after so many days, you can say that you thought that those were intial adjustment problems and would go away with time- but since it didn't happen and u are still facing the same issues, so now you want 2 discuss with him(ur hubby).

One more thing, no husband will ever admit that his parents are not as good as he thinks(Its a different story that my FIL is an exception here-he silently agrees with my MIL when she talks against her in-laws and sympathizes with her).

I will also try 2 follow what \";vd\"; & \";augustborn\"; said, and i guess u should also do the same. I find their approach mature & logical.

Thanks ladies. tejmom replied. tell him once what all they said to u. if he reacts strangely, then just make him realize that u felt hurt by talking only necessary things and just dont go behind him when he doesnt talk. you do your duty like cooking and other works and stay stubborn. show it that you are really hurt. if u go behind him, he is going to sit on your head Dil replied. I feel that almost all IL's have some comment or another when it comes to cooking. When you feel that everything in your life is fine, your hubby loves and cares very much for you and your IL's are okay people. Try to ignore small things especially seeing all the problems of many Dils on this board, I have learnt to do this. Don't plan so much to tell small things to hubby, ignore and be happy for all the good things you have !.