Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello Friends,

First of all hats off 2 augustborn & vd...you girls are wonderful. I wish I coould meet you in person.

Please read my loooong story with patience & advice me- I really need help & support from all of you.

I am a 27 year old married woman, living in US. Its been 1.5 years since I got married. My hubby
is a nice man( atleast I feel so & hope so). He says he loves me & I believe him too, beacuse I want 2. You all must be thinking that why I doubt my hubby and why I am not believing his words fully. Friends, there have been some incidents in the recent past which made me think over it whether I should trust my hubby completely or not.

First I want 2 give you some background info about me. I am an interior designer and I was among the bright students in my college. I shared a very very good rapport with my friends & teachers.The principal of my college also knew me very well because of my academic achievements. My whole family, including maternal & paternal sides love me very much. In short, I had no problem with anyone. Friends, you must be thinking that I am praising myself so much, but trust me I get a lot of love & affection from everyone(except my in-laws). I used 2 teach in a school before marraige- and u won't believe,I still get hand written letters from my students, even when I am so far from them. They say, teacher \";we miss you\"; !

Mine was an arranged marriage. My in-laws are so called hi-fi & educated people. Initially
I didn't have any problem with them(between engagement & shadi). My mother always taught
me one thing- when a girl marries, she marries 2 the whole family. And my brother is also
married & my bhabhi is a sweet lady. So I thought I must maintain good relationship with my
in-laws right from the begining. I used 2 call them on a regular basis. Although they lived in a different city, but we managed 2 meet several times. They used 2 come over 2 our place and I used 2 feel really happy. I wud make their favourite food, decorate the house, wud take them for shopping, movies and all. They were also very happy with me. My mil used 2 say that she was very happy 2 get such a warm welcome from us. My mom & dad did their best 2 please them. We bought expensive gifts for them. The marriage function also went pretty well. My dad spent a lot of money on my marriage. My parents did exactly the way my in-laws told them to do. My mil used 2 say- \";you are a diamond\"; and we all love you. I was very happy that I was marrying into a loving family. I used 2 feel more close 2 my in-laws than 2 my hubby. I stayed in India for about 2 months after marriage, then I came 2 know
about a few things which hurt me badly. One night I heard the conversation between my MIL & FIL,
that how unlucky they are because now I am their DIL. They cursed me & my parents badly that night
for every single thing that we did for them. My MIL kept saying 2 my FIL that -\";I don't know
how 2 behave with elders, I am an ill-mannered girl, & I don't know how 2 run a house\"; blah blah.I was so shocked 2 listen 2 all this,because I had never ever dreamt of such things in my life.It was only about 20 days after my marriage and hubby dear had left already for the US. I couldn't understand that suddenly what had happened? Why were they talking like this? They used 2 like me so much. What we had done? I couldn't sleep that night...I kept crying.
The next day, they were pretty normal. They talked 2 me very normally as if nothing had happened.I was so disturbed that what was happening.

Slowly I discovered that it wasn't the first time,that they were cursing me & my family, but it had been happening since the time we got engaged.Then I met many of their relatives and heard such things which we had never said or done and when I asked them indirectly who had told them- they said- your in-laws said so ! In short, it was all acting that my in-laws were doing with me since the time we met and I like an idiot simply believed their words. I was so naive that I always thought that they keep praising me all the time, they like everything about us, so they were genuinely happy with me. But immediately after marraige, I got the real picture. Not only this, after I came here, my hubby accused me of many things which had never happened in reality. My in-laws had twisted the facts and made up some false stories. My hubby is a typical case of \";shravan kumar\"; who stops listening when someone opens his mouth against his parents. He believes them blindly. Those days were like hell. And the worst part is my family still thinks like me that I am very lucky 2 get such a wonderful family. I havn't told my parents anything yet, because I know they will not be able 2 bear all this.
When I was in India, I notcied many things, which I had completely ingonred before marraige. Both my FIL & MIL don't get along with their own families. They are totally cut off from their relatives and always badmouth about them. There were only 25 people from their side at the time of marriage and when we had asked them that why their close relatives had not come( which
included my FIL's real brothers),they said they missed the train and we actually believed it.
Later I came 2 know, they were never invited ! My MIL's parents are still alive and guess what they also didn't come 2 bless their grandson. My MIL said, they are very old, so she herself had asked them not 2 come and we believed it. Now I regret so much, that everything was crystal clear but still I couldn't see the reality. I have tried analysing their personality and I am totally convinced that they just can not trust anyone - be it their brother/sister or a close friend. They seem 2 find fault in everyone. And moreover, my MIL keeps b...ching about her in-laws and my FIL quietly listens to her and sympathizes with her.
Time just passed by...I used 2 feel very depressed, I had lost all hopes. During this
period, my hubby's behavior was okay with me,so I reciprocated the same way. I always took good
care of him. Being a homely girl(and as an interior designer)I wud decorate the home & keep it neat & clean, wud make his favorite dishes and inspite of all his parents sharp comments, I kept in touch with them. I think may be all this changed his mind a bit.He used 2 take me to his friends places and we used 2 have good time( One more thing, he never forced me for sex). Around this time, my brother came here on a short
term project and when I saw my brother, i bursted into tears... I told him everything.Looking at my condition, my brother adviced me 2 join a school here, so that I can keep myself busy. My inlaws made very clear 2 my hubby that he should not spend a single penny on me, beacuse I will make him bankrupt. But I don't know how & why, my hubby supported me for this. My hubby never said anything harsh 2 me except the matter related 2 his parents. He was not at all ready 2 listen anything against them. I tried a lot, but all in vain.
Last year, when we went to India, my hubby asked me 2 forget everything and make a new beginning.He also said the same thing to his parents and told them that they should stop finding shortcomings in other people(which seems to be their hobby). I also said okay, I did everything according 2 their wishes. I wud get up early in the morning, make food and do all household chores.The maid was also ill, so I took charge of everything and my MIL kept nagging me all the time. My FIL kept finding faults in me, the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dress up and about my looks( and guess what, he was the one who had approved me and said 2 me
that I was a beautiful girl) etc etc. And all this was happening when my hubby was not around.
They even criticized my parents and the way they do things. I used 2 cry a lot in my room, but
never opened my mouth.I just kept quiet, because I knew my hubby would never believe me and we
wud end up fighting. I knew I wasn't going 2 get anything. Then 3 days before leaving for USA,
another thing happened. My in-laws asked my hubby 2 come 2 their room so that they can talk
something privately. I felt really hurt....that why they hide things from me. Why can't they discuss things openly. And this time my in-laws cursed me badly and said many things against me 2 my hubby, and finally they said this girl is like dirt and this marriage is a total waste. And my hubby,who is too much attached 2 them, said very weakly that I am not that bad..and I have some good qualities too . I was completely broken down after listening 2 this. I was in a state of shock.
I cried & cried and finally fanited and they didnt even know that I could hear them out.
Then they took me 2 a doctor who gave me some medicine and asked me 2 rest. I didn't speak 2
my hubby & in-laws for those 3 days. Then we came here. Since then, I have become very distant
from my hubby and havn't spoken with my in-laws.

I have been feeling really low these days...I can't even concentrate on my studies. My hubby still says that I should trust him, because now he trusts me and is convinced that I am a very kind hearted girl. He says his parents are also nice people but sometimes behave oddly. He says its a case of mistruts.

Girls- tell me, should I believe my hubby? Should I trust him- specially when his parents hate me so much and I know that they still fill his ears against me. And what if my hubby asks me 2 to talk to his parents - what should I do? I have lost all the respect, love & affection for them. And I don't want 2 fake.

Please respond asap. Please vd, augustborn -advice me on this issue. I am waiting .
vd replied. HI Diamond,

I understand you must be feeling hurt as your husband did not support you. But you can not do anything about it , Can you? Maximum you can do is talk to him politely. It might help. He is with you, this is the proof that he loves you. Think it this way. If you try to be cheerful, you might hear an apology for past. But by sulking and be being tense, you will never get that. Men generally are not so open for their feelings and for some reason won't stand up against their parents. They hate to be called as Joru ka ghulam, and try to balance hurting both the sides.

But you can not change this my dear. Instead change yourself. If you change for good and towards happiness, you yourself will see change in him.

you can reply to him that I will try to forget the past, but don't expect me to do it now. Let me be happy first then I can think of others.

There are two ways of saying the same thing. Take the polite way. You will not hurt yourself.

Cheer up lady
vd replied. Hi Diamond,

First of all think about things which make you happy. What you want in your life now? Forget your ILs. Don't expect any love or affection from them. What you should do is make your relation with husband much nicer.

Make your life as pleasent as you can. Why bother about people whi dont care for you? Just forget it. I am not saying to forgive, if u can't but don't hurt your self. Please think about good things, happy moments, childhood memories etc. and then make a decision how to bring yourself back.

Take out the rough period from your thoughts, its not easy but don't ruin your present and future for act of others.

You can't change others, so change yourself. BE strong, connect to your parents, keep them aware and be close to your husband. Show him affection so he can feel closer to you. Don't bring back old topics now , you won't get anything except hurting your mind and soul.

If you do not want to talk to them, dont do it. DOn't strain your life. Take it easy now. Being a woman , don't stretch to extremes. Past is past, let it go. Think about now, yourself, your husband and your health.

Make yourself your priority.

Cheer up, life will flow , you won't even now so make use of it. Take charge of your life TODAY. augustborn replied. Hi 'diamond'
I am sorry that you had to go through what you did...its sad that you showered your love and affection on the undeserving but you should be thankful that you cannot be deceived any longer. You have seen your IL's for what they are. It must have been a shock but atleast you know where you stand with them now.
1. There is no reason why you should keep a relation with your IL's if you dont want to...
2. You need to tell the truth about your IL's to your parents, dont worry they are made of sterner stuff than what we assume. The reason being that you and your parents need to be on the same page regarding ur IL's...
3. I agree that you feel betrayed by your husband. He should have been stronger in your defense but remember that he did stand up for you...though feebly(much much better than keeping quiet)...
4. I am sure your husband must be deeply ashamed of his parents and their behaviour but has not the strength to accept it in front of you...Afterall, it would be difficult for even you and me to accept and acknowledge our parent's fault to our spouse...Donot spoil your relationship with your husband. Nurture it and enjoy your life with him. He loves you and you should do everything to increase that love. He realises that you are a good human being and you have been hurt. Sit down with your husband and speak to him about all these incidents for the last time...make him understand that you are not complaining just stating facts for his information...after you are done, throw this negativity out of your life!
5. Donot let your IL's spoil your married life for you...If you let them, it will mean that you lost to them in a matter of wills.
6. You have the love and affection of so many people in your life...even your ex-students love you, cherish that love. Surely, you dont need the love of such mean and cunning people as your MIL and FIL...
7. Make a stand about your future realtionship with your IL's and stick to it. Noone can force you to do anything against your wishes...be strong...respect yourself and those who dont, shun them from your life...

They hit you where it hurts most...dont give anyone the power to do that again. Live on your own terms and see how people come crawling back to you...

Best of Luck friend!