Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I live overseas and my in-laws come to visit us often. They stay at our place for about two months . These months become the worst days of my life because of my problems with my mil.

She very rarely talks to me in a nice manner and constantly keeps on making sarcastic remarks about me, my parents etc. If I talk to her she talks to me in a rude manner.(mostly when my husband is not around) If I don't talk to her or talk to her only when necessary she tells me that this is not the way to behave with in-laws.

I had taken up a job when they came to visit us this time, so that I could be independent as well as be able to stay out of the house as much as possible. But I had to constantly listen to my mil's taunts the moment i woke up in the morning, made lunch and left the house for work and the moment i stepped in the house after i came back from work. As such it was very difficult for me to concentrate on my work. Sometimes I couldn't get sound sleep at night and my mil expected me to wake up early. I used to wake up early to make lunch only to hear what a horrible cook i was. I once almost dozed off during a meeting at work. I was emotionally drained and stopped talking to people at work and even stopped greeting them, because most of the time i was engrossed in my own thoughts and my problems. I sometimes felt like crying and used to go to the restroom at work and cry. There were layoffs in my company and no wonder i was one of the people who got laid off.

My husband is a nice person and understands my situation to a large extent. But if he takes my side, my m-i-l starts telling everybody how her d-i-l has changed her son and turned him against his own mom. I feel bad when my m-i-l says such things about me since i find no pleasure in turning my husband against his mom .I feel bad that people will think I am a bad d-i-l who broke up a happy family. So now-a-days i have stopped asking my husband for any help. He is willing to help me in the housework but if he does help, my mil's behavior towards me only worsens. So I tell my husband not to help me in any housework as it is better to get tired physically than emotionally.

I try not to pay attention to my m-i-l's snide remarks but after a while it becomes impossible to ignore them.

Anyway, i tell myself, whatever happened, happened . I would like to look for another job but i feel that the same thing will happen the next time they visit us (They visit us quite often) I don't want to be a housewife coz then my in-laws will take me for granted and trouble me even more.

Can anyone give any suggestions? Can any working women who face similar problems let me know how they manage to concentrate on work?

Please let me know.
Thanks,
Worried friend replied. Simply ignore yr mil. It's better to keep yourself out of your house for most of the hours and keep mum. You do your work at home and when its time to leave for office push off. Don't hear anything. Its true your act may irritate your mil and will make your irritate but let her do so. help replied. Dear worried,
I am a working woman with a child in Us and have my own share of problems in family. But here are som epointers which you need to keep in mind to solve most of ur prolems -
1. You ILs are not your life. Every woman gets ILs (& headache associated with it!) as a part and parcel of marraige. But you cannot ruin your peace of mind, career, other relations, health over 2 ppl (or one as case may be). So if you state you lost job bcos of problems at home then it is your mistake.
2. You are giving TOO much importance to a woman who doesnt deserve it at all!! Getting up early to cook(just bcos MIL wants you to), listening to her taunts, not taking help from hubby shows you are weak at heart.
3. Ils come to your house as guests. They shud get respect/love as parents. BUT they shud be the ones who shud adapt to your life (food, dress & lifestyle) and NOT you going to any and every length beyond your capacity to accomodate and please them. STOP this nonsense!!!
4. Working giving you financial freedom but not mental. You certainly do not have it as you engrossed abt ur MIL and what ppl think abt you. Let all those got to hell including ILs. You have to live your life and you shud be happy with it and not those 'ppl'. Are you happy with it?? NO.
5. Make your hubby pitch in more house work. Being kind at heart doesnt help if you dont show it with actions & words at the right time (indian men are hopeless , spineless creatures in front of their parents). Make it verbally clear in front of ur ILs what work he shud be doing in kitchen or home when he's free. You shud decide the division of labour in ur house and not ur MIL.
6. Do not give her undue respect, importance and scope in ur house. Get a life with friends or with ur husband outside of your ILs. If you ignore her and continue to do what you want she will slowly back off. What is vitally important with ILs is you to stress w/o saying that THIS IS YOUR HOUSE and YOUR LIFE whether they like it or not.
All DILs end up doing this at some point to a varying degree. Please do it before you make urself more miserable.

GL!
well-wisher replied. Your story makes me hate even more the bad customs & traditions we are unnecessarily bound to especially in today's competitive world. Anyway, here are my suggestions to you - Please let me know your views about these.

1) Don't think about your MILs sarcastic comments. It's hard, I know, but try.
2) Be a little selfish. Think about yourself, your likes, dislikes etc.- as an independent entity - not as a wife or DIL. Being independent does not only mean working in a company & earning money but its a state of emotional & mental independence - which is missing especially in Indian women because of the cultural bonds & ties - which are made by human beings only.
3) Talk to your husband. I think, it's his responsibility to make things better for you. Honestly, I don't think he is helping you much when all you are stressed about is - his mother.