Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I hv just realized that this is a forum where i can pour out whats been hurting me for a long time & what i have not been able to discuss with anyone. I do hope that u read thru this & reply to me with ur ideas, suggestions, advise etc.

I am 30 year old mother of a 10 mth old baby living in Africa where i shifted last year as my husband has a job here. I am an MBA who has worked in good companies in India, Mid East & even very briefly in the UK. I have had a love marriage to a Sindhi man 5 yrs my senior. We have been married for almost 8 yrs now. I had my baby late first coz we were not ready for it & later coz we were unable to hv one till i got sum treatement done.

My problem is my inlaws (and isnt that the same for most Indian women ;-)) .. They are interfering, arrogant, ignorant , mean & hypocritical. I have VERY LUCKILY always lived away frm them coz of hubby's jobs.My inlaws include my FIL, MIL , SIL & her hubby whom i'll call BIL for convenience sake. My MIL & FIl are retired & live in a small 1 bHK flat in Bby & my SIL , BIL & their 2 sons live in Dubai where they have a very successful business. They are very rich - crorepatis may times over so to speak.

My MIL is ostensibly (upar se ) very religious. believes & does daily satsang & making new new dishes as prasad for all the other buddhis who come at home but thats only dikhawa .. if it comes to giving the maid servant 1 extra rupee she will suck blood first!Similarly my dearly beloved SIL with all her crores travels by local trains & buys the CHEAPEST stuff frm the cheapest shops in Dubai to give as gifts in big shop bags :-) My inlaws were very middle class ppl & their daughter married well & so for them Dubai where she lives is heaven. My SIL always bhadkaaos my MIL against me but in a very loving sugary way.

Whenever i goto spend our vacations with them, My MIL makes it a point to let me know in some hurtful remark or the other that in Sindhis the girls side gives big dahej or sends stuff for Diwali. She is always wanting to know what my mother has given me BUT till date beyond 5-6 CHEAP suits i dont recall anything frm her even tho NOW they are very comfortably off whereas we hv put an AC in their house, given her gold chains etc. now that i have had a baby she makes statments like ur nan a nani are very kanjoos .. they dont give u anything .. i got a gold set as gift frm my parents on dlvy & both hubby & baby got gold coins frm my parents, my inlaws gave me .. ZERO .. & baby their POTA a gold pendant!!

They are always giving money & things to their daughter & fmly & expect me to do the same all the time. When she comes home to her mailka, she does NO work at all .. i even give her water in hand even if i too hv come on a chutti. Her kids get up at 11-12 & we make breakfast for them then. My MIL even gives good pcs of chicken to her damaad & if i want something its given with a bad face .. again not openly as she pretends to be this religious lady in front of her damaad. I HATE THEIR double standards. Its OK for their beti damaad to BUY a house next to theirs but if i spend my holidays at my parenys place, she will pass remarks abt how after marriage girls dont belong to their parents. for the 10 months my sil comes on holidays, she Stays for 6 weeks at her maika even tho her own sasural is also in Bby .. But THATs'ok with my inlaws coz that her beti.
When i went for my dlvy at my paents place she was very unhappy but her own beti did both her delveries in her house .. again double standards.
That same beti did not come from Dubai to see her father when he was critical in ICU coz the kids were having UNIT tESTS & i went frm Africa with a 3 mnth baby within 1 mnth of arriving .. but that was expected of me & she was excused .. coz she sent foodstuff & clothes!!!

There is always this pressure of lena -dena & showing off with them. I am (was rather coz hv put on 10 kgs post dlvy) quite ok to look at & that is the one thing that has helped me in that house as my hubby is VERY fat (120kgs). Also, the fact that i have been working & earning weell till i gave up after dlvy is another plus for me coz my mil is semi literate & SIL a housewife always. For outsiders they are this sugary sweet religious ppl (SIL & BIL included as they too attend satsang) but inside home they are mean, always criticising others & with double standards.

My hubby knows how miserable even those 2 mnths are in his parents house .. there is no privacy,. noise all the time, cramped living but since we stay apart the other 10 mnths he feels i shld cope. I dont tell my parents coz that will only upset them. My brother is mentally retarded & my father suffered a paralytic stroke which has left him partially handicapped. My mother manages all of them - house & outside work all alone. My parents dont believe & do lena dena - a fact which angers my inlaws. Perhaps i am over reacting but why shld i suffer & let the world believe what nice loving ppl they are?

Can anyone tell me what i shld do?I am due to return to India for good in July & will have to stay with them for 2 mnths till v build our house.

Thanks

PP
whitechestnut replied.
Even two months is a toture when you don't want to stay there but are compelled to due to circumstance. What works to your advantage is you know your enemy so now you have to plan your move. Test the waters ,next time she makes comments on 'lena dena' smile and tell her that you believe presents and gifts should come from the heart and are not part of a barter system belonging to a pre historic era . Lets see if she can handle that well - giving her measure for measure when required is the only way to deal with it. As for your SIL, she deserves the same.

Stand up for yourself and refuse to be anyones doormat. Start by being more vocal about your dislikes.
augustborn replied. Dear PP
You seem to have a bunch of IL's who surpass even themselves in meanness...Till date, having lived apart from them atleast for the major part of the year must have been a relief. Now that you are returning for good and building your own house, I presume your IL's will not live with you.
1. See there is nothing you can do to change such mean people so the alternative is to make as much emotional space from them as possible.
2. For the two months you would be staying with them, keep calm and detached. Also, if your parents live in Mumbai too, then try to spend as much time with them as possible. Who is to stop you...surely not your MIL's acid remarks. Surely after 8 yrs of marriage you can detach yourself emotionally from her remarks and do what you please. I would even go a step ahead and tell her 'jokingly' about her double standards...
3. You are not your SIL's or anyone else's servant that you have to serve her hand and foot...If you let people treat you like that, they will take great pleasure in belittling you...
4. You are a highly educated lady, its a shame that you put up such crap from such uncouth people...\";There are no victims, only Volunteers\";...Remember that always...
5. As far as 'lena-dena' goes, snip it in the bud. Confront her headon and make it clear to her that you dont like such statements or conversations...Period! If you wont stand up for yourself, noone will...

Live your own life, dont let anyone mar your happiness...even if they are 'elders'...trust me its not worth it!! What will happen at the worst, you will be branded as bad...tell me does that tag really bother you...and anyways the world has too much sense to get carried away by anyone's IL's tantrums...So be happy and take charge...
TEJMOM replied. as lomg as your husband is supportive, dont worry. just ignore them. make them realize that how ever hard they try they cant hurt you. atleast pretend to be happy. make them know that their comments are ignored. think more about you baby. read books. if they try to make you work like a slave to them. do not yield to their demands. escape. say you r not well. be diplomatic. but never let your hubby know this. born again a bahu replied. Most of your problems will be solved (and new ones will begin!) when you learn to say No to them.

Dont be overwhelmed by In-laws. They are just a juncture on the journey of our lives. ofcourse a juncture where most of our cars break down(-;

1. Choose your issues carefully. Like the one where they even jokingly refer to your parents as non-givers of dowry. Put your foot down that you wont hear any such rubbish. If they say that its only a joke (often an excuse), tell them maybe you can joke too which they might find difficult to adjust to. refuse any comments point blank. make it clear with your husband that such a condition needs to be laid out and followed if he wants you to stay for those 2 months.
other issues like criticising you for going to your maika. JUST turn a deaf ear. You must have seen enormous posts with all DILS having same problems all over. They wont change, at least not in your lifetime. So why pick up such issues to fight over?? just do what you have to. Over time you will learn to ignore.
dont bother about being good to everyone. that wont happen. if ut does it will be at oyur expense. Only if you are happy can you make others happy. ALways remember.
You are first a mom and a wife then everything else..

i'll let you onto a secret. When my MIL / FIL speaks anything upsetting, I picture them in my circle of life. They are nothing! They just happen to be my husbands parents who i should be coping with for a certain amount of time. THATS all.
Be busy for the two months, plan your trip in advance. Spent half of your time at each place.

One more thing, the next time your MIL speaks ill of your mom, give her back good. In her face. Think ahead of your reply and keep it for such an 'occasion'. Nothing rude, but hitting the point. Someone who expects your mom in such condition to do lena dena should be put behind bars in my view.