Dear Friends,
Thank u so very much for ur advice n support. Ur advices have really helped me a lot in making up my mind. Ones again ... thank u. we still have 7 months here before going back to India. I will use this time to make myself stronger n try to build a better understanding with my hubby. The rest is on god! Delegent u r right husbands do change colours ... thats what I m afraid of too. Augustborn ... ur line about me being equated with a labourer will remain with me forever. Julyborn .. yes my jethani does have unconditional n blind support from my jeth. Vd ur words about duniya have given me a lot of support.
I promise to keep u all posted with the situation in India when we move there n ...yes ..I m reserving some of ur precious time n sympathetic shoulder for myself in advance :) I know I will need it so much when I m in India. Be with me those 2 yrs my unknown friends as it will help me immensely. One of the biggest hurdles so far as relatives go that I will have to cross is their eldest maternal uncle's family. They give a lot of regard to him n his family (n I thnk rightly so) as they have helped them a lot in their bad times...n were kind of mediators in our marriage too. Now he n his wife r very unhappy with me n have been passing a lot of sharp comments to me but I have been nothing but nice n respectful to them (even when my heart was bleeding so bad cause of their treatment). Even on our vacations they wanted to have a meeting with my parents n my jethani's parents ( lord knows what good that would have brought). They r going to oppose our living separately very strongly. N I dont know how I m going to make them see my view point as they have nothing but high expecations from me ..\";I should have been patient..I should have been silent\";. To top it theres no surpassing, igonring or avoiding them. So let us see what happens!!!! If u know a way out of this one or have faced any such situation plz do tell me ... n yes GOD BLESS U ALL
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Dear Friends,
Thank u so very much for ur advice n support. Ur advices have really helped me a lot in making up my mind. Ones again ... thank u. we still have 7 months here before going back to India. I will use this time to make myself stronger n try to build a better understanding with my hubby. The rest is on god! Delegent u r right husbands do change colours ... thats what I m afraid of too. Augustborn ... ur line about me being equated with a labourer will remain with me forever. Julyborn .. yes my jethani does have unconditional n blind support from my jeth. Vd ur words about duniya have given me a lot of support.
I promise to keep u all posted with the situation in India when we move there n ...yes ..I m reserving some of ur precious time n sympathetic shoulder for myself in advance :) I know I will need it so much when I m in India. Be with me those 2 yrs my unknown friends as it will help me immensely. One of the biggest hurdles so far as relatives go that I will have to cross is their eldest maternal uncle's family. They give a lot of regard to him n his family (n I thnk rightly so) as they have helped them a lot in their bad times...n were kind of mediators in our marriage too. Now he n his wife r very unhappy with me n have been passing a lot of sharp comments to me but I have been nothing but nice n respectful to them (even when my heart was bleeding so bad cause of their treatment). Even on our vacations they wanted to have a meeting with my parents n my jethani's parents ( lord knows what good that would have brought). They r going to oppose our living separately very strongly. N I dont know how I m going to make them see my view point as they have nothing but high expecations from me ..\";I should have been patient..I should have been silent\";. To top it theres no surpassing, igonring or avoiding them. So let us see what happens!!!! If u know a way out of this one or have faced any such situation plz do tell me ... n yes GOD BLESS U ALL
mehek replied. i can understand your situation and can only say to you to have patience for the time being. this equation will not be there forever. let the time go for now, things will change with the time. do not put in too much of effort to make things better, they may become complicated instead. this happens with every wife in the initial years. the best way to avoid fights is to ignore little things and be patient.
all the best
mehek replied. Dear about2facestrom,
i read your story, i think we are on same boat. i am living in ahemdabad with my husband. my mother lives in delhi. i got married two years ago and my married life is not different from you. my husband is mama's boy and loves her very much. it's not bad to love mother, everybody does it, i'm also very attached to my mother but the problem is he does not understand my feelings. sometimes it seems that he doesn't love me and doesn't talk to me properly and abuses me everyday for no reasons. he always consult his mama in important matters but doesn't feel like consulting or discussing anything with me. when i pointed this out, he got angry and we had a big fight. now he doesn't want to go out with me. he rarely speaks to my mother as he thinks she is not good. he doesn't want to visit my mother's house, i went to my mother alone twice. sometimes it results into fights and badmouthing and on two-three occasions we were on the verge of divorce. my m-i-l stays with my husband's younger brother in the same city. she intervened and avoided the situation. we don't have baby yet. i'm not sure what should i do. my mother is living alone in delhi and she has developed high blood pressure problem due to my unhappy married life. please suggest what should i do and how can i get my husband's love?
Ekta replied. Dear about2facestrom,
i have read article posted by you and i have also read the replies posted by others. Remember one thing, do not put your marriage in jeopardy. You can listen to others but apply your mind before acting on these advises. I have many advises are very agressive, and marriage breaker. All that suggested by others may not work in your case. I think the best way to solve a problem is to think positively with an open mind. Keep your options open. One always have two options - good and bad. Avoid the second one. Always take care of your husband's feelings. If you don't do this, you're digging well for you and it will make your life hell. Only you are responsible for it.
If you are supressing your partner's feelings, you are sitting on a time bomb. When it will explode, nothing will be left in your marriage. Leave him alone, do not try to take control of his life. Most of the Indian men do not like seeing their wives taking control. I am sure if you give him space, leave him alone, he will automatically come back to, it's nature's rule.
Most of the marriages are suffering due to ego. One has to accept it and work in the right direction to make his marriage a happy one.
I hope you are agree with me.
Kaveeta replied. hi about2facestrom
I am agree with others, you should stay separately. People may take this move negative but go ahead things will be on track later on. These things may hurt your husband so you will have to support him mentally. Now stop worrying about what your jethani do, just ignore her, you have so many important things to look after. Do not create unnecessary fights for what she has done or doing. Just ignore her 100%. Don't let hostile idea to come up in your mind. Always remember that you have to live in this society.
This is a momentary phase and will pass by. So keep your cool and do what is right.Ignore the minor set-backs
that pile up and trouble you. Keep faith in your husband. He is the one who can bring happiness into your life. The future holds great promise,
your destiny unknown,
but God is always helping,
and you're never alone.
good luck
tejmom replied. check out my reply in the topic u posted earlier that will surely help u.
augustborn replied. Dear Friend
I understand your diliama. Your relatives will be pressurising you to stay with your IL's especially this uncle's family.
Let me let you in a secret which is no secret...A 'bahu' is good in everyone's eyes till she does everything according to her IL's wishes. Now these wishes could be just and unjust, could cause the 'bahu' immense mental torture, could make her exceedingly unhappy but noone is bothered about that. The minute the unfortunate 'bahu' voices her own opinion or works towards making her own life happy and thinks for herself for a change,she is branded as 'bad' and all these IL's 'n their relatives show their true colours...
With due respect to your husband's uncle, he obviously is looking at the broader picture - that everyone should together etc etc. What he doesnot know is that, you will become an emotional wreak if this happens...your child will suffer and so will your relation with ur husband. He would obviously be more sympathetic towards his sister than you.
I feel its better to 'disappoint his expectations' of you than live in a hell hole for two long years. Just to please him or anybody else you shouldnot make life for yourself and your baby miserable.
Trust me, it would be a temporary phase, seeing your inherent good behaviour everyone will rally back but sometimes in our lives, we need to make our own decisions and not let others influence us...
Its OK to be 'bad' once in a while to lead a peaceful life....:)
I wish best of luck to you...keep us posted
2005-04-29
#1
Name: mehek Subject: have patience
i can understand your situation and can only say to you to have patience for the time being. this equation will not be there forever. let the time go for now, things will change with the time. do not put in too much of effort to make things better, they may become complicated instead. this happens with every wife in the initial years. the best way to avoid fights is to ignore little things and be patient.
all the best
2005-04-25
#2
Name: mehek Subject: same story as mine
Dear about2facestrom,
i read your story, i think we are on same boat. i am living in ahemdabad with my husband. my mother lives in delhi. i got married two years ago and my married life is not different from you. my husband is mama's boy and loves her very much. it's not bad to love mother, everybody does it, i'm also very attached to my mother but the problem is he does not understand my feelings. sometimes it seems that he doesn't love me and doesn't talk to me properly and abuses me everyday for no reasons. he always consult his mama in important matters but doesn't feel like consulting or discussing anything with me. when i pointed this out, he got angry and we had a big fight. now he doesn't want to go out with me. he rarely speaks to my mother as he thinks she is not good. he doesn't want to visit my mother's house, i went to my mother alone twice. sometimes it results into fights and badmouthing and on two-three occasions we were on the verge of divorce. my m-i-l stays with my husband's younger brother in the same city. she intervened and avoided the situation. we don't have baby yet. i'm not sure what should i do. my mother is living alone in delhi and she has developed high blood pressure problem due to my unhappy married life. please suggest what should i do and how can i get my husband's love?
2005-04-26
#3
Name: about2facestorm Subject: two of a kind
Dear friend Mehek,
thank u for replying n confiding. Your problem and mine match to the hilt. My husband does all the things urs does - same ignoring, same disregarding my feelings and my mother. Both of us have also come two three times to the verge of divorce. Now we will be going back to India and though we will be living separately but only in the physical sense. I know my husband's mind and soul is going to be at my In laws home 24 hrs even when he is going to be with us he is going to be a dissatisfied son waiting n jumping to settle scores at every opportunity he gets, rather than a loving husband and father. Yesterday he clearly told me that he is going to go to meet his mother every other day (not that I can or should object to that) or whenever he wants and I can have no say in that. Plus he wants me n my baby to go n do the "matha tekna" in his mom's darbar every 15 days since she misses her grandson ( where was this love when I was wreathing in pain n fever 7 months pregnant n she was sitting in another room watching tv not checking on me even ones). Plus I have to go n visit his ever taunting relatives while if I want to go n meet my family he reserves the right to either go or not ... whichever way he feels.To top it all I am not supposed to say anything but listen silently to whatever trash his mom throws at me...just shut up, listen n digest. Can u believe it??
U asked how to get ur husband's love. Dear I dont think its something we can get or win. We can be good super good daughter in laws then may be they might start feeling a little of something for us but the moment we dissappoint them..theres hell to pay. As simple as that. I myself dont know how to make my hubby see U cannot force a person into things n still expect them to be happy. The way he wants things to be done will eventually result into me being a mental patient.
But the only thing I can say to u if its any consolation is I know exactly how u feel cause I go through it every day too. Would love to be steady friends with u,so that at least we can pour out the problems we r facing. If theres anyone out there who can tell us what to do plz. feel free to reply. Until we find some solution, dear friend, at least I m on ur side n hopefully u on mine. Hope to hear from u soon.
2005-04-24
#4
Name: Ekta Subject: listen to others and apply your mind
Dear about2facestrom,
i have read article posted by you and i have also read the replies posted by others. Remember one thing, do not put your marriage in jeopardy. You can listen to others but apply your mind before acting on these advises. I have many advises are very agressive, and marriage breaker. All that suggested by others may not work in your case. I think the best way to solve a problem is to think positively with an open mind. Keep your options open. One always have two options - good and bad. Avoid the second one. Always take care of your husband's feelings. If you don't do this, you're digging well for you and it will make your life hell. Only you are responsible for it.
If you are supressing your partner's feelings, you are sitting on a time bomb. When it will explode, nothing will be left in your marriage. Leave him alone, do not try to take control of his life. Most of the Indian men do not like seeing their wives taking control. I am sure if you give him space, leave him alone, he will automatically come back to, it's nature's rule.
Most of the marriages are suffering due to ego. One has to accept it and work in the right direction to make his marriage a happy one.
I hope you are agree with me.
2005-03-15
#5
Name: Kaveeta Subject: strom will pass by if it comes
hi about2facestrom
I am agree with others, you should stay separately. People may take this move negative but go ahead things will be on track later on. These things may hurt your husband so you will have to support him mentally. Now stop worrying about what your jethani do, just ignore her, you have so many important things to look after. Do not create unnecessary fights for what she has done or doing. Just ignore her 100%. Don't let hostile idea to come up in your mind. Always remember that you have to live in this society.
This is a momentary phase and will pass by. So keep your cool and do what is right.Ignore the minor set-backs
that pile up and trouble you. Keep faith in your husband. He is the one who can bring happiness into your life. The future holds great promise,
your destiny unknown,
but God is always helping,
and you're never alone.
good luck
2005-03-09
#6
Name: tejmom Subject: check out my reply in the last topis u posted
check out my reply in the topic u posted earlier that will surely help u.
2005-03-09
#7
Name: augustborn Subject: Stay Firm!
Dear Friend
I understand your diliama. Your relatives will be pressurising you to stay with your IL's especially this uncle's family.
Let me let you in a secret which is no secret...A 'bahu' is good in everyone's eyes till she does everything according to her IL's wishes. Now these wishes could be just and unjust, could cause the 'bahu' immense mental torture, could make her exceedingly unhappy but noone is bothered about that. The minute the unfortunate 'bahu' voices her own opinion or works towards making her own life happy and thinks for herself for a change,she is branded as 'bad' and all these IL's 'n their relatives show their true colours...
With due respect to your husband's uncle, he obviously is looking at the broader picture - that everyone should together etc etc. What he doesnot know is that, you will become an emotional wreak if this happens...your child will suffer and so will your relation with ur husband. He would obviously be more sympathetic towards his sister than you.
I feel its better to 'disappoint his expectations' of you than live in a hell hole for two long years. Just to please him or anybody else you shouldnot make life for yourself and your baby miserable.
Trust me, it would be a temporary phase, seeing your inherent good behaviour everyone will rally back but sometimes in our lives, we need to make our own decisions and not let others influence us...
Its OK to be 'bad' once in a while to lead a peaceful life....:)
I wish best of luck to you...keep us posted
All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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& Answers to Topic : THANK U FRIENDS
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : THANK U FRIENDS
Subscribe to this conversation!
All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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No need to go anywhere else.
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have patience
same story as mine
Name: about2facestorm
strom will pass by if it comes
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