Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear Friends,
I have been reading this board for quite some time and finally decided to put my story. Well, I am not sure where to start. I might not be able be able to put it in a well defined way as I my self am confused as to who is to blame for.
Well, I have been married since past 6 yrs with 2 kids. Currently residing with my hubby and kids at USA, but hv spent initial few yrs with ILs, which include 2 BILs, MIL and FIL. Before marriage my hubby made it very clear to me that he will settle down his bros in another couple of yrs and then we will be responsible for my MIL and FIL only. I have always been working. I had pretty tough time while in India as my MIL doesn't keep weel and I had to do cooking for this big family for both the times and work at the same time take care of a small baby. Well, my youngest BIL use to help me as and when possible. We were very good friends initially and then he became painfully possessive abt me. He use to compare everything I use to do for my hubby. My hubby and I realized that it is time to make our distances and we sent him in another city for his studies which he still has not finished. Now we hv put him in an expensive management college. Well, I don't hv any issues about paying for his studies, but I guess, he is taking it too much for granted and is not settled even at the age of 28 yrs. Abt my second BIL, he had completed his education after 2 yrs of my marriage and started working. But he didn't care for saving a single buck. While coming to US, I left all my belongings house, furniture etc. for him. But still, he didn't had any money for his marriage, so we hv provided him with everything for his marriage including the gift he should be giving to his wife on the first night. Then again, he wanted money for buying a new house and stuff, we hv always given him the money. Now he has a son and keep demanding money every now and then. Well, now my problem is that I expect these ppl to hv realization that it is not their rights, it is a favor that we are doing for them(for my BILs not my MIL and FIL). My hubby thinks it is not favor. Whenever I go to India, I expect them to behave very nicely with me and when they do not, I loose patience and show them my anger by not behaving nicely with them. Last year I went first time after my BIL's marriage and was expecting that my co-sis will do the things the way I use to do before her marriage, but she never does that. I use to be damn tired after all the shopping and visits to relatives and then when I use come back to home she use to serve previous days left-over (just wanted to mention that we stayed there for just 1 week). I use to expect her to help me with packing and she use to sit in her bedroom and watch movie on computer. I felt very bad at her behavior. When I complained to my hubby that he would not hv tolerated such an behavior from me where as doesn't mind it from her. His answer was, if her hubby (i.e. his bro) is okay with that why should he bother. He would not tolerate such behavior from me 'coz he has certain expectations from me. As I have mentioned earlier, I am very hard-spoken when I loose my patience. So, my MIL and all don't talk much infront of me. When I think over it, I feel bad about it, but at the moment of anger I just don't care who is infront of me. I am so confused at this time of time as to who is wrong. I sometimes can be very stubborn which hurts my dear hubby. He use to expect me to have sweet relationship with his mom, but now he has given up. He even told me that if at all we go back to India, he doesn't want his parents to stay with us. Well, my MIL is a good person as such, but she keeps changing her words. Sometimes she will tell me something abt somebody and then when my hubby speaks something good abt that \";somebody\"; she will say she always tried to tell me how good that \";somebody\"; is. This is just an example. Her this behavior really freaks me out and then I expose her off infront of my hubby and then she starts crying...
Well, I am not sure if you could get the proper picture of my situation which I want to project here. My confusion is, who is wrong? Is it me? Am I the one with lower tolerance? Am I not normal in behaving the way I am?
The reason why I want to get answer to these questions is that I love my hubby a lot and want to see him happy. I would really appreciate your opinions on me.

Thanks,
A. xyz replied. I agree with augustborn. Start living for yourself. Your BILs are old enough to take care of themselves and their family. Stop sending them any money.

If ur hubby is himself telling you not to be involved with the family, why do you want to? You are not living with them. That's good. You don't have to deal with ur BILs and co-sister on daily basis. Live happily with ur hubby and ur kid in the U.S.

Also don't expect anything from ur co-sister. She proably doesn't even know that she is wearing ur ornaments or u helped ur BIL with their wedding expenses. And even if she knows it, she did not ask for it. It was ur choice. You wanted to be involved. You cannot expect anything in return for it. If she does things for u, well and good, if not let it go.

Good luck augustborn replied. Dear Friend
You have been very generous with your time, energy, emotions and money for your husband's family. Not many women would have put up with this kind of drain on their energy and purse...
Infact, I would say that you have been far too generous...
Helping out ones siblings to settle down is a noble thing and one should do all one can do BUT there is a limit to it...In your case, your kind heartedness and generosity of spirit was taken as some kind of weakness by your second BIL...Providing money even for 'his gift to his wife' is crazy and now you are expected to provide for his son too is ridiculous...

Coming to the second part of your problem...Well, there is nothing wrong with you. The last 6 years have simply taken a toll on you. Deep down you are tired of 'just giving' and being taken for a ride..
1. Donot expect that your Co-Sis will do the things the way you used to do...why should she? If she is smart enough to get out of making a slave of herself, why shouldn't she...:)
2. If she served leftovers, well there is nothing much you can do about it...can you? If they were not good to you when you were there, you should take stock of your life and also your savings...its vital
3. There is no reason why she should help you in packing dear...why should she? she is living her own life and its time that YOU LIVED YOURS...
4. Donot bother about your MIL's dual nature...its not worth your notice...

No you dont have a lower tolerance level..you are perfectly normal so start living like a normal human being-get out of the mould of 'helping'...think of yourself for a change. Trust me, noone is going to remember your sacrifices and good deeds, everyone will simply expect more...Can you stop that constant expectation of people then????

Talk to us whenever you feel like..or simply to vent....

Cheers!