Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear Friends,
Hello..how r u all. I have been coming to this message board almost everyday for sometime now n have also replied to a couple of topics. I think the unknown friends n well meaning advice that we get here acts as a breath of fresh air in suffocating n at times even poisenous circumstances we reel in. Thank u friends n keep it up..
Now coming to my problem. Plz have patience as the mail is a long one n plz advice me as ur advice can make a lot of difference to what I m about to face. I m a happily married woman with a loving n understanding hubby n a 3 yrs old angel. For the first year of our marriage we lived in India with my inlaws which includes my m i l and elder brother in law (jeth) n his wife(jethani). My jeth n jethani showed no interest in sharing family responsibilities n it was my hubby who was taking care of home. And right after marriage me and my husband had to shoulder the family responsibilities from bringing veges to cooking to dealing with relatives and as a result we were left with no time for ourselves. Here I must mention my hubby is very attached n dedicated to his mother. My jethani was pregnant at that time ... she used to go to her mother's every day at times even on saturday n sundays giving excuse that it was closer to her workplace n she can rest there after her job. From there she used to come home at around 8 at night with my brother in law n both of them used to go straight to their room ( supposedly studying- both of them doing their PGs) from where they did not emerge till my m i l went to call them that we (my hubby nb me) have arranged food on the table and r waiting for them. After that again back to their room. I did not say anything or even notice as I was very naive n kept on helping my husband n toiling the whole time. I am working n my work place from my in law's home is very far away. So I had to wake up early make brfast n lunch for everybody, pack lunches n rush to office. Then back straight to kitchen making tea n dinner n the rest of arranging cleaning n managing things around the house..no one helped us. Then I learnt that I was pregnant n all the morning sickness n problems started. To cut the story short I was not able to cope up with all the ever increasing expectations n work...n both me n my hubby started fighting. To make the situation worst my mother in law started to create such situations that me n my hubby could not spend even 10 minutes together. All this time my jethani or jeth showed no interest in what is happening in our life or how we r coping up with things in the house. When me n hubby got together I used to complaint n hence fights occured. My hubby understood but never says anything to his bro or bhabhi though he hates her as well. My m i l supported my brother in law n his wife completly. Unfortunately their little baby girl was born sick n they had no qualms from taking help from my parents even. Everybody tried their best but the poor baby died.
We all tried to make things as easy as possible for them. But I was myself in my final months and was completely ignored. It was just work work work.
No one ever tried to help or cooperate with me to the extent that even if I was wreathing in pain because of early pains in my 7th month or suffering from fever for weeks in full pregnancy..no one even came to check on me once. My mother in law just came once in the night doing formality \";kaisi hai\";. To top it she kept on complaing about me to my parents for most frivolous of reasons. My jethani made false stories about me n complained about me at my back which even my hubby heard. If I complained that my feet had swollen or I m tired or having backache the answer from my mother in law used to be straight \";mazdoorniyaan ( labourers) toh iss stage main bhi itna itna kaam karti hain, unke bacche toh sadak par hi pal jaate hain\";. I was completly neglected n overworked. Only my hubby helped me but we too had a lot of fights because of the situations. Finally when my parents saw all this they called me to their place for delivery. I had my little angel there, but my in laws helped us in no way. Just coming n going formally. My jethani just came once after 11 days that too forcibly n sat for 3 seconds with anger n jealousy written all over her face n ran straight out of the room with my jeth following. They made the excuse that oh she was reminded of her baby,though she had no problems going n playing with her sisters' kids. Meanwhile my hubby was posted abroad so he went out of India with my mother in law after 1 month of my baby's delivery. I stayed behind and was to follow later. My inlaws still continued to create problems. N finally after reviewing the whole situation again n again,I realised that if my m i l lived with us there we will never be able to settle with each other. So, I told my hubby that I will come there only if his mom returns to India. Finally he gave in n his mom returned (all this while it was a kind of unspoken agreement that my mother in law will live with us)For this my husband still grieves that he was not able to do anything for his mother. Here my jethani never called or talked to us on the phone.Kept ignoring my mother in law at home paid no interest to home kindda like paying guest. N after a while I told my m i l tht we have had enough, we will not speak to her when we come back to india n she assured that she will never force us to as my jethani is a no do gooder.
But when we went back to India all hell broke loose again. My mother in law fought with me right after we were at my parent's home about not speaking to my jethani,complained n cursed n said all sorts of things. N for the first time I also talked back n said a couple of nasty things to her. As a result, 1. she never came to meet me n my baby at my parent's house n when I went to my in laws place my jeth did not sit with us or speak to us, n my mother in law was very formal 2. kept inciting my hubby who fought with me n said nasty things about me n my parents(though he was very understanding of my feelings when we were back at our home out of India, n we r very happy together) 3. we did a small yagna ceremony+lunch for our baby which as a revenge my jeth jethani did not attend 3. my mother in law bad mouthed about me to relatives n they kept taunting n hurting me through out. Still I kept my level best to keep the things sober by not answering back smiling even at sharpest of taunts but I refused to give into pressure for speaking to my Jethani.
Now we will be going back to India soon n have to live there for 2 yrs. before proceeding abroad. We want to live separately after all this but r being pressurized to make amends.
Dear friends, everyone in my in laws says that I dont have patience,I should have been respectful, I should not have behaved like this, some saying I must not split these two brothers apart, they r ram laxman etc. etc.
Friends I have tried to put in things as impartially as I can so that u can make good judgement.I dont want to stay with my in laws as it will only mean more misery n neglect now also my baby involved in all this. While when we stay separate my hubby longs for his mother..n we r the aim of all arrows from all the relatives ??? Can U tell me how to handle this situation? How to get separate n not get hurt? or Am I wrong here ?How should I handle this situation? There is a storm brewing to eat us away in India, how to stand strong?
thank u so much for going through this long mail patiently, plz do post a reply as it will help me immensely.
tejmom replied. i feel v.sad for u. but do u know something i have seen many families where the elder brother happens to be wicked and the younger brother nodding his head for everything the family says. so the 2nd daughter in law always has problems. your cosister seems to be v.smart. without doing anything, she got a good name. but you, even after doing so much you still have a bad name. dont worry! be bold. if u fear that will be your in laws strength. dont stay with them. tell your husband politely but be stubborn, really v.v.stubborn. tell him that u understand that he loves his mom but that does not mean you have to keep tolerating all the problems they create. tell him that you have not forgotten what happened earlier. if he makes promises that things will be better, say that you dont want to take chances.say all this politely, but stubborn. if u scream out of anxiety, you r a loser. that will give them a chance to pick up a fight. they will feel so confused and they will be unable to proceed further if u follow my idea. never breakdown in front of them. by the way y did u do all the work when your cosister escaped everything. you should have said your leg is paining, you feel like fainting and escaped too. sometimes you have to be cunning for your own survival. remember your fear is the other person's strength. be bold and chase the world Diligent replied. Gosh, I am shocked to hear your story. How heartless can your MIL be that even when you were ill during your pregnancy she did not pay attention to you. Seriously, some people don't even have humanity in them.

Anyway, you have lived passed that and have a healthy baby girl and so god was watching and looked after you.

In regards to your stay in India for 2 years, do live seperately. Even if you wish to make ammends keep your home seperate from all these people especially your MIL. Otherwise you are in for trouble again and can say good bye to your marital happiness that you have built in this short time.

Husbands will change like chameleons so don't expect that if you live together he will support you if problems occur. Just like you put your foot down the first time, that you MIL should not live with you, do so again that you want a seperate house.

And lastly, you seem like a very strong lady so let no one supress you. Good luck. julyborn replied.
Hi,

i understand your story completely........It is really very very selfish of your Jeth and jethani...behave this way. But what u did was right too....why should u listen to everything that your MIL says..and nobody tells her anything......She has her husband's full support......but don't give in now.when u r in india tell your hubby that u want to live seperately.....you can tell him that his mother can stay with u guys but she should not interfere too much.......put your foot down about not talking to jeth-jethani......and as far as outside prople and relatives r concrened........see they r going to talk both ways....so don't worry about your mil's talking bad about u to them.......for that u cannot make your life hell.....u have 2 years in india ....show the relatives how u r......by keeping in touch with them regularly.....

So bottom line..stick to what u think.....your husband will agree with u.....as he knows how his family is..... augustborn replied. Hi Friend...
You have seen tough times. Selfish BIL/SIL and an uncaring and mean MIL.
For the sake of some semblance of peace in your life, you ought to live separately but the most important reason is your child. Your child should not be exposed to such atmosphere. It would be wrong on your part to let your baby grow in such a poisonious environment...
It is not a crime to live separately, whatever the relatives say. Its not as if you are severing all ties with your IL's. So put your foot down and live a life which is happy and condusive not only for you but also for your child...
You surely dont want your child growing under the influence of a grandmother who equates her mother to a 'labourer'...do you? vd replied. Hi Dear,

After what all has happened,I don't think it is a good idea to stay with them. For you to stay peacefully, please talk to your husband and arrange to stay seperately. ALso, it would be good for your child.

Regarding what other realtives would say or duniya would say, please don't bother. Its the time for you to manage your life.

Also, please don't feel guilty on what others are saying. You have everyright in this world to be happy.

Please don't expect much love or affection from these relations. IF they treat you nicely,its fine, otherwise move on. ENjoy time with your child but do your best to avoid staying with them.

I sincerely wish you best of luck. And can fully empathise with your situation.