Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi everyone,i have been reading the forums here for almost a year now.i will be going to india this summer n i need some advice plz.i came to usa 4 yrs ago n been to india twice.i have a very nice hubby he loves me a lot,cares for me n is basically very good to me.he respects my family.my in laws are very bad people.i do not even want to go there. i have kept a formal relationship with them,after knowing what they r all about.
now the problem is my hubby...yes not my inlaws.i can accept them being bad but i feel just for that reason hubby should be the best in all ways. i know u will think i am expecting too much,espe when hubby supports me n never allows his parents to insult me in front of him or even otherwise.
my problem might sound matrialistic,but here it is.my family ia quite wealthy n his is middleclass,but doing well.meaning they don't need money from us every month n all...i am on h4 visa.now whenever we go to india my hubby takes gifts for them n also for my parents.but when it comes to money he gives money to them i don't of course.so i feel the gifts should at least be more or less equal.now for eg i wanted to buy a sari for my mum when i was in india,but i had to ask him many times,but he brought one expensive sari for his mum from same shop.i wanted to gift a shirt to my brother on his b'day,he said ok for first year,then next yr even i did'nt give anything to them even when i visited them.so i told him now even he should not give to his brother anything for his b'day etc.
i know i don't earn but i also feel like giving gifts to my family.itz not that he does not give at all.one more eg when i went to india,one of my purses was still unused n he thought this is the second purse i am taking for my mum,n he fought with me so much.all nite before leaving for india i cried.well...when i see girls who's hubbys r sponsoring tickets for their in laws etc i feel so bad.just bcoz my parents r rich he does this.
thank u very much all of u and please advice me wot to do i hate going to india now just bcoz of gifts issue.he says my mum n mother in law will not have same amt of gifts.i find it so cheap when he does this.even though he is nice i think i've started hating him bcoz of this. tejmom replied. i know its your hubby's fault.but the only solution is get a job for yourself . be independant. get what ever you want for your parents. but never tell your hubby not to get shirts for his brother. if he spends too much for his brothers and sis without saving anything for your family. then put a full stop to his lavish behaviour. but dont stop him from buying a shirt for his brother just because he did not buy for your brother. this will increase the distance bet both of you and you might land up losing your peace permanently. if u want to buy gifts then you start working. janborn replied. hi rainbow,
i faced the same problem. my hubby is very nice and caring.he always respect my parents and have never said any wrong thing about them but when it comes to give present he always prefer his parent and siblings.he always bought expensive gifts for them but not for mine so it hurts me lot.first time when we went to india i bought good present for my parent side even they dont need my presents (they are quite wealthy and in return they always give me the double or triple as i give to them) but second time he said every time he cant buy gifts for them so that day i hurt very bad.i am very sensitive by nature so from that day i didnt buy anything for my parents except kids even afterthat several time he forced me to buy something for them but icant buy cheap gifts for them when he is buying expensive gifts for his side because its hurt my ego that they are girl parents that doesnt mean they deserve less valuable item than them . my parents can buy better things than that in india.they dont need anythinmg from me except my love.i am just waiting when i get job then i will buy nice presents for them.iknow i cant give you any suggestion because i am facing the same but i just want to share my story with you. A dil replied. I understand how about you feel about your situation, also wanted you to think of the many positive things you wrote- your husband supports you totally, never allows anyone to insult you,respects your parents. Coming to gifts and money, i think most of the husbands give nicer gifts and money to their parents, when you have all other positive things, do you think it is even important to think about this. What gift you buy does not really matter for your parents, just think about the girls who are even denied to spend time with their parents. You can do augustborn suggested but enjoy and see that you are already very priviledged. augustborn replied. Hi Rainbow
While I was reading your post, it occured to me that the business of giving 'gifts' has really lost its essence...
Unfortunately, your husband is eyeing this 'gifting' business as a way of striking a balance between the social status of his parents vs your parents...It seems to be his way of balancing the act. He feels that since your parents are economically better off than his parents, his parents deserve better and more expensive gifts...
As you said, he is a great husband in all respects but this is his flaw dear. Donot make yourself miserable about this...
1. Whenever you need/want to buy anything for your parents-go ahead and buy...why do you need permission.
2. To avoid conflicts, when you buy something and your husband is with you, donot be specific about the recipient of the gift...e.g you can buy sarees saying you will decide later whom to give this to. I dont know how practical this will be for your scenario.
3. Make a list before hand of items and not of people...You can fill in the blanks later...

Last but not the least, \";Pick your Battles\";