Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I am living in overseas and i am working my husband is the only son, so his parents are extremely possive, i can understand the feeling of them being a mother and father , but when come to DIL they only think that she is born only to take care of them in this world, they don't respect my feelings, but luckily my husband can understand my feelings, but he also a very obedient son, and cannot say anything, i not guiding my husband in any wrong way,neither i expect anyting from my in-laws, i can live happly with what i have, but they talk bad about my parents and they interfere in all my matters, we are living in overseas, everytime when we go back to india on vacation, it is really a hell,we are married for 5 yrs and we still don't have a kid. I have never fought with my in-laws face to face, but they don't like me because I am not doing things according to their wish, which is think is too much.
I know that he being the only son has the responsibility to take care of his parents, i am also ready to help him in that, but the problem is that his parents are financially strong, infact we are also financially independent, since they don't depend on us for anything, they think they can bend the DIL as they want, but i think that it is not fair, they have to give respect to my feelings, they tell my husband many things about me over the phone and this leads to arguments between us, they just want the DIL to think and do things as they like, I have one Sil and she adds oil to the fire, they shout at me as they like and even after all that they still try to suppress me over everything saying that is the responsibility of the DIL to take care of us. I guess how can people be like that in this world. Me and my husband are loving each other very much, but there is so much of nonsense going around us, so that we even forget our love, Next month our in-laws are coming to stay with us permanently, i don't know what is going to happen. I am worried. Any suggestion to handle.
Hosai replied. I really don't think it is a good idea to have them come live with you. Not after eveything, no way. It sounds like that is the last thing you guys need. I would not do it, unless I was guided towards it and it was the will of our Creator. Pray to God to guide you in this, and to ordain what is best for you. Only God knows what is best for you. Pray for guidance and for that right path to become easy for you.
anon replied. Dear Vinaya, I have learnt in my own way that NO ILs are worth thinking so much and importance. In India (or elsewhere) they are unneccessarily elevated giving them some higher status when they definitely don't deserve it at all. The girl & her parents god knows why are so s*** scared to snap them back so they don't dare to interfere in their son & DIL's life. I too have my parents and I care for old people. But not at all at the expense of my self respect and freedom. Also I believe ILs have done their job(& duty) of raising their son JUST AS my parents have done for me. They have'nt done anything more than that so why go gaga over it!!I have told my hubby that he is obligated towards them for all they have done for him and not me. So he better learn to deal with their tantrums (if they throw) and I will be a spectator of the show. Believe me, if you have the guts to make this clear to your husband and in turn ILs they steer clear and behave with due respect. The problem is many(or all) husbands do not get that their parents are THEIR responsibility and not their wife's. Let them bear their parents' grumblings & complaints & do all work for them and surely they will run away from them. What happens in most houses is that the wife does all the dirty work (listening to ILs taunts, cooking according to their taste, doing all religious crap etc) and the son gets to enjoy life at his wife's expense. The moment you throw him to do most of this low-level work he will keep his parents' at a safe distance. I can assure you this works. NO men get to do the grunt work of listening to taunts, fulfilling daily responsibilty like a DIL. Their job ends with throwing money which is very easy compared to staying with ILs & taking nonsense from them. I have told my husband to resign from work & stay with his parents and deal with them like a DIL doing every work at home. He will surely head back to work getting fed up within a month and this is a challenge. Till now he has'nt dared to take it -:)))) Good Luck! xyz replied. Hi Vinaya,
I am in a situation similar to yours. I don't know what suggestion to give as i am myself trying to figure it out, but just thought I would let you know that you are not alone. Don't lose hope. If your in-laws are coming to stay with you permanantly, try being out of the house as much as possible. (eg: take a job etc)
I don't know about you but if i stay with my in-laws permanantly i will get a nervous breakdown from my m-i-ls constant taunting. Looks like you guys are financially well off. Can you afford another house somewhere near your house where your in-laws can live? If not, another option would be to sell the house that u have and buy 2 smaller houses, one for you and one for your in-laws. It may be inconvenient to live in a smaller house but would be much better than staying under one roof with absolutley no peace of mind. That way u can take care of your in-laws if they need your help, but you need not deal with them each and every day. For me i know one thing. I will be there for ,my in-laws when they need my help when they are old and cannot take care of themselves etc , i will be there to help them financially even if it is an inconvenience to me and my husband, but i cannot live with my in-laws permanantly(actually i don't mind if my f-i-l stays at our place permanantly since he is a nice person) But if i stay with my m-i-l, I will end up having a nervous breakdown from her constant taunting and sarcastic remarks.
You get to live only once. Agreed, that your life may not be perfect but there is only so much that you can take. I would suggest, talk to your husband and let him know, what you go through when they are around. Let him know firmly that staying under one roof would be impossible for you. As for me, I will leave the house if my husband does not agree. (Not that i am suggesting you to do that)
Take care of yourself,
XYZ