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Please help and advise me soon!! I have critical situation right now. My problems are my in-laws and husband who blindly loves and obeys his parents. I have no other issues with my husband other than his parents creating disturbance in our lives. I am trying to write briefly but still it will be long Sorry but please read it.

I got married 41/2 yrs back in India. My husband stayed only 12 days after our marriage and went back to Canada so we did not get enough time to develop close intimacy. I had to wait for my immigration for 7 months in India and had to stay most of the time with my in-laws. My in-laws pretended to be good to me before marriage but they treated me horribly after that. They hurt me emotionally as much as they could. My mil used to feed false things to my husband on phone because of which my husband and me always had fights over the phones. My mil created lot of misunderstanding in our relationship. Those 7 months were the worst nightmare of my lifetime. My mother-in-law hates everyone especially my parents and relatives. My parents had to take all the responsibilities and expenses related to my immigration- filling the forms, passport, took me Delhi for medical examination, tickets to Canada and finally Delhi airport. My in-laws did not even come to Delhi. My parents and me were very upset but I could not do anything b'coz my mom and me were scared that my life would be destroyed and we thought that once I'll join my husband in Canada everything would be fine.

When I came to Canada, I received a warm welcome from my husband and have been living with him for close to 4 yrs now. I know that my hubby loves me but he loves his parents more than me. His parent especially his mother is very possessive and controls him like a puppet obviously he is also very ideal, dedicated, obedient son. His parents want to settle with us permanently in Canada. My husband says that he actually wanted to sponsor his parents soon after our marriage but hasn't been able to do so b'coz of me. Two years back when we went to visit family in India, he helped his parents to complete all the formalities related to immigration forms. The only thing left is signing of papers from our end. He wants me to co-sign the application but I was able to avoid/postpone it somehow. I think he wants me to sign b'coz I'm working.

Last year his parents visited us for few months. Few weeks later, my hubby lost his job and was staying all day at home with them. I tried to do all my duties as a DIL but did not had very personal talks/closeness with my PIL to avoid any arguments. My hubby and his parents got upset about it. Behind my back (when I was at work), they complained about me to my hubby. I had a big fight over this issue with my husband. He said that his parents warned him that they would never step in our house if I do not show any emotional closeness with his parents. Finally, I had to apologise to my hubby and his parents to calm everyone down.

Soon after his parents left for India, our relationship was back on track. But just a month later, we got a very dramatic and aggressive letter from my mil to take final decision about their immigration. My FIL is retired but mil is still working. She wrote that if we were to say no for their immigration, we should sign an attached letter (which she wrote herself on our behalf) and send them immediately. My hubby looked very upset for few weeks but we didn't discuss it. I overheard my hubby talking to his parents over the phone Mom, I'm sorry I cannot sign the immigration forms until I find a job. Fortunately my husband found a job 31/2 months later i.e. Jan 2003 but unfortunately we received a similar letter with even more harsh words from my mil. My hubby and me too much fight almost kill each other over this issue. My hubby's elder brother who also lives in different city in Canada does not take initiative regarding this issue. It is very unreasonable for my hubby to push me to take his parents responsibility. I'm scared and feel very insecure about my future relationship with my hubby when his parents come to live with us permanently. I already had lot of discussion/arguments/fights regarding this issue for the last few months with my hubby but all in vain. On the contrary, my husband blames my family or me for whatever had happened in the past. He tells me to forget everything that had happened but it is easy to say than done. He says that his parents are innocent and very nice people and so I should give them respect and embrace them as my own parents. When I asked him as to why he did not take any responsibility related to my immigration/tickets to Canada; instead of understanding my emotions he says he is ready to send money to my parents.

I love my hubby but have developed hatred in my heart for his parents. I'm very stressed for past 3 months. I'm very hurt because my hubby does not understand my feelings at all. I also feel that all my friends are lucky to have very understanding husband and I'm the unlucky one. None of my friends have their in-laws staying with them permanently. Also, my in-laws have very orthodox/traditional views and my husband wants me to adjust and change according to his parents. Just to give an eg. My hubby and me cannot sit close to each other or hold hands in front of them and restrictions of clothes on me. My hubby is looking for an ideal situation where his parents and me both should be happy at the cost of my sacrifice only. I'm 29 yrs and not able to think about having kids because of this issue. Please advise me, what should I do in such a situation. Also, if anyone has experience of such a situation, please let me know.
Hosai replied. All praise be to our Creator who created us and gave us everything we have. All glory be to God who will never burden us with more than we can bear, and who gives us relief after every struggle. I read your email, and my heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through, and believe me, I understand. My husband and I are also looking to go stay with them at the present due to financial difficulties, and believe me, I wish we did not have to. Sometimes, it makes you sad just thinking about it, why some inlaws have to be so cold and rejecting, you know? If by God's will, they just change the condition of their heart and be more accepting and kind, the world would be a better place. It would be for the good of everyone, for me, for you, and for the inlaws themselves. Everyone would be happier and get along better if only they would change their feelings, just switch the conditon of their hearts, just like that, \";click\"; and things would be so much better. But only God can change their heart, and all we can do is just pray for that and be patient. I came on this website not knowing what to expect, not knowing what was out there and if anyone understood what I was going through as a daughter-in-whatever-you-call-it-I-hate-and don't use the word.Most of my friends 99 and 1/2% of the few friends I have all have wonderful inlaws and it kills me that mine have to be so aweful, and it makes you feel terrible, and so alone like no one understands. I had no idea REAL PEOPLE are going through REAL CRISIS like me, and you with struggling with living with the inlaws. It feels better to know people are out there who understand you and feel your pain. It makes the burden of carrying all that grief and pain with you feel lighter. I just wish I knew a friend in my locality that could relate versus the web, that would so great. But all praise be to God for everything I have already, and we all have. Anyway,I have not moved in yet with my inlaws, but we are seriously considering to do so real soon. If God wills, it will no more than two years. But if we'll move out if we really really can't stand it. One thing I have learned in all this, is that it's all in God's hands, all of this, and the best thing is to be patient, pray that it gets better, pray for patience to sustain you, and just not LOOK FORWARD TO MAKING PEACE AND NOT HOPE SO MUCH. Hope hurts cause it lets you down a lot. And for some reason, the inlaws are \";strong\"; and they can forbear the meanness on their parts, and do it wish a passion, without feeling any guilt or remorse, and if we accept their nature, that it is in them, to be this hard and tough on loving than maybe by God's will we can understand our ownselves better. Since mother-in-laws seem to have it so easy, always having their way, and making you feel so puny, then o well. Let them and forget them, and LET GO. Don't expect any change, and just accept their physical presence but don't attach your heart and your mind and your soul to them at all, so you don't get let down and hurt when something bad happens. That is what I have learned. To let go, and sadly...make your heart hard towards them so the hurt does not saturate your entire heart. Just live with them for your own benifit for God's sake, and don't personally attribute anything to them. -- Anyway, I know this is not easy, and everyone's situation is different. But I am just expressing some sincere advice, and letting off some of my own grief. I hope this message affects someone in a positive note if God wills. Also if anyone lives in the Virginia area email me, it would be so nice to have a support group or a bunch of girls who could get together once in a while or ALL THE TIME cause you know sometimes you just need it, and just vent all this stuff out.

All this has taught me to really on God, and really, only God can change any of this. God has control over our lives, and our inlaws, and God created them like God created us, and God can destroy them anytime. This is not the end of the line, life does go on, even if it goes on painfully, it moves on.

Personally, I think the best kind of husband to have is the God-fearing kind. That way he will never disobey you to obey his parents, he will never do you INJUSTICE while giving them justice, cause this is not the way of God and God would not be pleased with this. What makes my situation different is basically that. That my husband fears God, and he acts and lives only for God's sake, and God's laws are the most JUST so everyone gets the benifit, even the inlaws, without making you feel trapped or bothered, or stepped on. I wish your husband was like that, because then you would not feel like he was more siding with them over you, and ready to do anything for them, while it's killing you. When you do things for God's sake, when your are strong that, no one gets hurt, so long as you accept God's will, and rules. It's much better this way, than just doing as you feel and wish is right. You can't trust your heart, and God always knows better.

I am really sorry you are going through this, and hope God guides you both. I don't wanna live with my inlaws at all, but sometimes you have no choice. But I always remember that God will never put me through something I can't handle, and with every struggle, comes relief.

So hold on. We all are. You're not alone. God-willingly you will pull through. Many daughter-in-laws in the past have pulled through, and God-willingly you will do. This road is meant to be taken, and meant to be beaten God-willingly. And remember this life is not forever. It is not the end of the road. And none of this drama will mean anything at the end. So stay focused, and don't give up.

May God guide us, and give us relief soon.
qqq replied. Hi Nidhi,
What Neha is talking is all nonsense. I totally agree with 'Honest'.
The only thing that I agree with Neha is that don't argue with ur hubby when u r very angry. Wait till ur anger cools down a bit. think abt what u will say, phrase ur sentences politically. Think abt every thing that u say and how ur husband will react to that. Though its difficult be nice to him when u r angry, try to do so. Thats the only way he will understand and be on ur side. Otherwise u lose and ur in-laws win.
U have horrible in-laws just like mine.
Its very difficult to be nice to someone who has and continues to behave with u horribly. Don't compromise..
Take care Pearl replied. I have some thoughts to share. I think, its really good that you know exactly what you want. I think, you are having all these problems because you are not giving up & accepting things. According to me, you are doing the right thing & I would do the same. There are so many women who would just accept the situation for peace & harmony. But I do not believe in that. I agree with you & also feel that husbands wants to have an ideal situation at the cost of a women's sacrifice. This is not fair. I totally agree with you & feel that you are doing the right thing. You just have to be strong & everything will be alright. You just want to have a life of your dreams which is not a sin & your in-laws should not make your life miserable. I think, you need to tactfully change your husband. Seems like your husband is very conservative & he himself is spoiling the precious days of his life. He would realize this but it will be too late. you can't get all these years back....try to make him think in this direction. Life is not to be wasted like this. Neha replied. Hi,
Your posting truly seems like a blast from the past.
Before going into the endless discussion about ,
parents, in-laws and husband, btw, which is no-win no-lose.
Let me ask you something vey basic:
1) Do you love your husband?? Can you imagine spending
an eternity without him?
Contrary to what is being said, yes one can lead a single-divorced life in the US or Canada .
But, then again, culturally we are Indian, experience has told me that the friends and supporters
who vouch for you and the single life will not be there when you are alone on a snowy night when there
is no power and you are sick and need someone to take you to a doctor, when you have a bad day at work and
cannot vent out. Some harsh realities.

On the other hand if you are in an abusive marriage alongwith the in-laws problems, you should consider getting a
better life.
Personally, beleive that Divorce is very easy, Upholding the marriage and being with the person you love amongst obstacles
is the most Difficult and yet most Satisfying.

Coming to some basic suggestions:
Before getting married or after being married we do know the nature and behaviour of our in-laws, they can never be our parents.
They can not change because you want them to. Why fight a losing battle? Why not win ? How , well adapt to their behaviour with
knack and diplomacy, know how to word your sentences. It will take a lot if time before they accept you and even longer for you
to accept them.

With a clear mind , without being prejudiced, \";Do what you would expect from your sister-in-law towards your parents\";. Imagine it, if its
not the case.
Be confident and feel secure around your husband, once you are insecure other feelings pop-up in your head.
You say , your MIL works, so she must be educated . Thats an advantage. Try to find atleast one positive aspect of
them instead of milling on the negative ones which I am sure are infinite. Take one positive and harp and pamper.

Hey, I am all 28 years married for 4 years, in a similar situation as you, but with patience I have been able to have
woman-woman conversation with my MIL atleast once in a way. I treat her like a woman and respect her age and experience and
show it. She understands me better now.
As for the families not getting along, whatever be it. I encourage my parents to be in touch with my in-laws atleast on phone and
keep asking my in-laws whether my parents called and try in many ways to promote a healthy dialogue. Its very tough, but then
I want to take the difficult path of upholding my love and marriage.
Whenever the anger gushes or rushes, I try to read something funny or listen to soothing music, basically try to divert myself.
I never talk to my hubby when angry, after couple of days I do talk about it wording my sentences very well. Because, just like I love my
parents , he does too and there is nothing wrong, because I love him too.


Take Care
Neha anonymous replied. Dear Nidhi, I understand ur problems. BUT you have to take a stand if you dont want ur ILs to stay in ur house. And you have to talk with your husband and you cannot avoid it for long. Obviously he will have attachment towards his parents. But it is hilarious of him to expect you to respect and SHOW closeness when none is existing. You have got to make it clear to him that they are HIS responsibility and not yours. If he has money let him got to sponsor his parents' immigration. But you are not obligated to sign the papers. Refuse them outright stating you dont want them in the house everyday to create problems in ur marraige. You have had enough from ur arrogant MIL who needs (begs!)the immigration but had the cheek to write letters demanding it as her right. Your hubby is a puppet and not a mature adult to be a husband. It is long due that you disown any relation with ur ILS till they drastically tone themselves down and ur hubby gets his role straight. He has a duty as a husband NOW and cannot run behind his parents leaving his wife. vinaya replied. Hi vinaya

I can understand ur feeling, i am also in the same situation as yours, i working also, my husband is the only son, so his parents are extremely possive, i can understand the feeling of them being a mother and father , but when come to DIL they only think that she is born only to take care of them in this world, they don't respect my feelings, but luckily my husband can understand my feelings, but he also a very obedient son, and cannot say anything, i not guiding my husband in any wrong way,neither i expect anyting from my in-laws, i can live happly with what i have, but they talk bad about my parents and they interfere in all my matters, we are living in overseas, everytime when we go back to india on vacation, it is really a hell,we are married for 5 yrs and we still don't have a kid. I have never fought with my in-laws face to face, but they don't like me because I am not doing things according to their wish, which is think is too much.
I know that he being the only son has the responsibility to take care of his parents, i am also ready to help him in that, but the problem is that his parents are financially strong, infact we are also financially independent, since they don't depend on us for anything, they think they can bend the DIL as they want, but i think that it is not fair, they have to give respect to my feelings, they tell my husband many things about me over the phone and this leads to arguments between us, they just want the DIL to think and do things as they like, I have one Sil and she adds oil to the fire, they shout at me as they like and even after all that they still try to suppress me over everything saying that is the responsibility of the DIL to take care of us. I guess how can people be like that in this world. Me and my husband are loving each other very much, but there is so much of nonsense going around us, so that we even forget our love, Next month our in-laws are coming to stay with us permanently, i don't know what is going to happen. I am worried. Any suggestion to handle. Neena replied. Dear Nidhi,
I have read your situation several times before responding, I just wanted to think before I responded.

I think you have a lot to deal with. Having to deal with in laws seems to be a struggle for many people. It sounds like your in laws are being to hard on you. They are not looking at you as being their son's wife, but as a woman their son is married to that they can say anything to and about.

How are you supposed to be close with them when they are not warm towards you? It takes a long time to develop affection for the boy's parents, trust me, I know.

For me, it's more of my FIL than anyone else. My MIL is fine, we are very much alike, but my FIL is the one who tries to yell at me as soon as my husband walks out the door going to work.

As far as them moving in with you and your husband. I feel for you. You will have responsibilities of following your MIL lead; at least that is the way it typically is.

You need to sit down, have a heart to heart talk with your husband. It will not come easy since there is a lot of things to discuss. You need to be careful with your words, don't say something you will come to regret. Just state the facts, tell how you feel, listen to your husband's point of view and realize that no matter what, in most cases, he will attempt to defend their actions. I think that is the frustrating part.

Take time and think about what you can benefit from them staying with you all. Look into whether or not you will be working when/if you have children. You will need to keep that in mind. Try to set some ground rules in your own head. Do more listening and take a couple of deep breaths before responding, don't let them get the best of you.

Good luck Poonam replied. Hi Nidhi,

I 'm in same situation as yours; resi
ding in United States. I got married 4 years ago as well, only difference is that I have 2 kids(a 2yr old girl and 20days old boy). Since past 6 months, I am very disturbed for my husband's behavior towards me. He gives no importance to my feelings and emotions. My advice to you, the people outside are worse than people in your home...so if you plan a divorce... make sure u have alot of close friends to help you out.