Does your child share his toys with his friends or his siblings? Here's how to inculcate a spirit of generosity in your child.
As 3-year-old Tarun plays with his toy train, 1-year-old Kabir, his younger brother, also wants to have a go. He heads straight for the train and Tarun, anticipating his move, reaches out and grabs it. A struggle ensues and Tarun, being bigger and stronger, naturally wins the battle. Kabir goes crying to mommy, and mommy looks disapprovingly at Tarun. "He is your younger brother Tarun, give him your train." Tarun doesn't heed your words, so you forcibly take the train away, shout at Tarun, punish him or let him know your disapproval in no uncertain terms.
If you punish your child or take the toy away forcibly, your child will only resent the action. By taking this course of action you may be forcing your child to obey you or pay the consequences, but you are not instilling a spirit of generosity in him. Imagine if a colleague comes up to you and wants that new silver and chrome lamp on your desk. You don't want to part with it, he complains to the boss, and the boss comes up, picks up the lamp from your desk and hands it over to your colleague. Your colleague runs off gleefully with his prize, and your boss looks you over disapprovingly, telling you that you should be more accommodating towards the new recruits. Not only will you get frustrated, but you will immediately start resenting your colleague. In the same manner, forcing an older child to give up his toy to his younger sibling sows the seed for sibling rivalry, and is also unfair to the older child. There is no reason he should have to part with something that belongs to him just because his younger brother wants it. When parents have two children, they often expect the older child to give in to the demands of the younger one, which is unfair when you think about the fact that your older child too is just a small kid.
It is important to realize that at this very young age children are not developmentally ready to share. True, some more generous children will not have a problem sharing their chocolates with their siblings or best friends, but most other children are far more possessive about their belongings. This is the age when children start appreciating and developing a liking towards certain objects, and they also understand that it is far too easy to have these objects taken away from them.
A part of the reason children don't part with their possessions is because they feel they don't have control over them. The minute your child knows that his toys belong to him, and he can get them back at any time from his brother, he will be more willing to part with them.
It is always a good idea to play give and take games with your child. If your child is possessive about a particular toy, gently request her if you can take it from her for a minute. When she gives it to you, you can hug it, hug her, play with the toy, give it a kiss anything random, and then return the toy to her. Make sure you return the toy to her in a few seconds, so she will not mind parting with it again. Keep passing her toy back and forth. In this manner she will see for herself that just because she is letting you have the toy for a little while, it does not mean that she is losing the toy. She will also learn that she can have fun even when she shares her toys.
Name:
shmel
Country: australia
good day mate, could you please put the article back up so i can read it.
cheers me dears
Name:
Sone
Country: india
what should be done in the case of older children taking away toys from younger ones ?
Name:
Vineet
Country: england
this article is written very well and will help lot of parents to understand their growing kids in teaching them to share the toys instead of scolding and punishing that kid to sacrifice the toy.
Name:
Anna
Country: canada
good article, indeed. if anything, i would raise the younger child`s interest in a different toy and say that the older sibling will share his toy when he is done playing. same vice versa. if the older child takes away the toy from the younger, i would ask him to wait until the younger one is done playing. at one time i was having a picnic with my toddler son. he brought all his toy cars because he wanted some one-on-one play time with me. a boy of the adjacent family suddenly jumped right on our blanket and started playing with the cars. my son became very protective of his toys only to hear the boys mom yeelling "typical only child, does not know how to share". i still think that was unfair because if the toys belong to nobody, everyone should take turns but if they are my son`s own, it is up to him when he is ready to share. i only encouraged my son to let the boy know when he was welcome to join the game.
Name:
neelu
Country: usa
nice article
Name:
Noel TC
Country: usa
your article on sharing is wonderful! i also wrote a poetry book for children on difficulties of sharing, which is coming out on summer 2006 - this book was inspired by watching many kids at play and is based on animal characters teaching a little girl how to share - if the animal kingdom shares with humans there is defenitely hope for humans to share amongst themselves.
when we learn to share our toys we will grow up to share those most important possessions with those most in need!
Name:
Amy
Country: canada
this is an interesting article. my 3 year old has a difficult time sharing with younger children. it's more the other parents who do not understand that frustrate me. i can't wait until their children are 3!
Name:
Alan
Country: U.S.A.
i think this is an excellent article. it is a good thing to teach children to share, to be generous. however, that does not mean giving up their possessions just because another child is crying for it.
the example of the desk lamp is exactly correct. no one should take a belonging of one adult and give it to another, simply because the other wants it, so why should it be that way for children.
i am a strong defender of property rights, and i think most people believe that people have a right to their property. it is no good for the development of a person to teach them that their property is subject to confiscation simply because someone else wants it, or it makes the other person jealous.
it is the child screaming for another's toy who needs to learn a lesson: that they don't always get whatever they want, especially if it belongs to someone else. to me, property rights are more important and fundamental than sharing.
only after someone feels secure in their belongings and overall station in life can they truly learn generosity. that isn't a bad thing, it's how humans work, and it's for the best.
thanks again for the excellent article.
Name:
Vineet
Country: england
to sonu -
i am writting this in connection to sonu's previous message about " older children taking away toys from younger ones" -
look sonu older children are fairly understanding - they understand what you talk or say to them - in this case you can convience him / her by giving something else of his interest and make him agree to part with the toy to the yonger one.
Name:
Nicky Tossell
Country: United Kingdom
i have a 4 year old boy, who always used to be very generous about sharing his toys and eveything else, then about a year ago i moved in with my boyfriend who has a little girl about 2 months older than my son, she only comes over one night and day a week. the little girl would always immediately go straight for whatever it was my son would be playing with and snatch it out of his hands obviously my son got upset over this, the little girl did not get put right on this matter by her father and i felt it was never my place to. unforunately my son has now developed quite a problem with sharing his toys now and reading this article has shown me i have been dealing with this all wrong. i have always shouted at him and told him off for not sharing i will take a much different approach from now on. thank you
