The fledgling parent realizes that the task of raising a child is an awesome responsibility and hopes that one grows into a 'good' parent by magic.One of the most difficult emotions to deal with as a parent is anger. Anger can be appropriate in a situation where the parent has to discipline the child.
Supermom and Superdad
When an erstwhile
child stands on the threshold of parenthood, he or she aspires to be the pillars of wisdom and guidance that his or her parents were. The fledgling
parent realizes that the task of raising a child is an awesome responsibility
and hopes that one grows into a 'good' parent by magic. But what is a 'good'
parent? This question is not easily answered. Parents are people who provide
food, clothing and shelter for their child; who love their children unconditionally;
who protect them and guide them along the 'right' path; who teach them
to be responsible individuals who can be of value to society - All this
and so much more.
However, this
is an ideal list of requirements. But parents have to travel a bumpy road
to achieve these goals. The reality is that people don't change into perfect
superhumans just by virtue of having a child. You have to operate within
the limitations of your humanness, your shortcomings and weaknesses. As
an adult, when you think about your parents, you perceive them as these
wise beings who always knew the right thing to do and say. You should keep
in mind, however, that the passing years have probably erased the memory
of all those times when you felt anything but love for your parents and
were convinced that they had been put on this earth just to torture you.
Anger can be Destructive
One of the
most difficult emotions to deal with as a parent is anger. The modern parent
has to deal with a great deal of stress considering that there are a million
demands on his or her time. One of the offshoots of stress is that it makes
a person quicker to anger. Most parents will tell you that when faced with
a tantrumatic child, they have felt like lying down on the floor and kicking
and screaming louder than the child. While they may not go to that extent
they usually find it quite difficult to control their anger. While anger
can be a cathartic emotion, it can also be destructive, especially when
a child is faced with a parent's anger. Anger can be appropriate in a situation
where the parent has to discipline the child. But anger is often inappropriate
because parents invest so much time and love in their children that they
are easily disappointed and frustrated.
When a parent's
anger has cooled, he or she usually just forgets about the incident. A
child, however, can perceive the situation quite differently. Children
can feel unloved because sometimes in the heat of the moment the parent
is often not specific about the reason for his or her ire. They feel that
nothing they do is right. They feel angry and humiliated.
Defense Mechanisms
If a parent
has a hair-trigger temper, it usually makes a child quite anxious. The
child then develops defense mechanisms to deal with this anxiety. One such
defense is deceit. Many children lie just to prevent their parents from
yelling at them. If your child sees you lose your temper frequently, she
may adopt the defense of avoidance. She may take to tiptoeing around you
because she is never sure what is going to set you off. This curbs the
spontaneity of her relationship with you and she may become guarded about
expressing her thoughts and emotions. Other children try to fight fire with fire. They react to anger with aggression and 'attitude.' They will
either shout back at the parent or try to demonstrate that their anger
does not affect them. Some children display their indifference by playing
the clown and laughing and giggling. This is probably because they are
nervous and to hide their pain and humiliation.
Inappropriate
Anger
How does one
know if one's anger is unreasonable? One has to indulge in a little introspection
and try to identify what it is that makes you angry. May be you react with
anger to behaviour that is merely inconvenient, not objectionable. May
be your anger is a reflection of your irritation with a minor change in
your schedule. May be your anger is just an expression of your frustration
when trying to teach your child or helping him to complete some work. May
be you are irritated by your child's wailing or raucous laughter. May be
your child just seems to be a source of endless demands. Or has your child
merely interrupted your train of thought? If this is the case, you can
be sure that your anger is inappropriate.
Coping with Anger
Parents have
to learn to cope with their anger and to compensate their children for
the anger that they cannot control. If you think about it, you can probably
identify the times when you are more likely to be stressed out and prone
to anger. For instance, in the mornings when you are getting your child
ready for school and get dressed for work at the same time. Or may be at
the end of the day when you come home tired from work. Once you are aware
of this, you should try to explain to your child that your anger often
stems from the situation and is not directed at the child personally.
Once you are
aware of these 'difficult times,' you can cope better with your anger.
If you cannot deal with your child's homework as soon as you come home,
schedule this time for an hour before dinner, giving yourself enough time
to wind down. If you feel that you are going to lose your temper, try the
tried and tested technique of counting to ten or step out of the situation
till you feel a little calmer.
You can enlist
your child's help in controlling your temper. Warn them that there are
certain times of the day when it is not advisable to start a silly squabble
or ask trivial questions that are bound to irritate you. This will also
make your child conscious of others' emotions and the situations in which
they occur.
Remember that
a child is less threatened by anger that is targeted at a specific behaviour
rather than a harangue involving a litany of complaints about his general
behaviour attitudes. So if you are going to give your child a dressing
down, stick to the point as far as possible.
Compensation
Sometimes with
all the best intentions, a parent fails to control his or her anger. In
such situations, it is only fair that you make it up to the child. However,
this does not mean showering the child with presents and treats. This is
overcompensation and could lead to the child learning to manipulate the
parents.
Children always
view their parents as their safety nets, the people who will always be
there for them and support them. A parent's anger can often shake this
belief. It is important that the parent re-establish the security and comfort
of the relationship. This can be achieved by spending some quiet time with
the child. This will quell the feeling of rejection that the child may
have and keep the lines of communication open.
The child needs
to be reminded that a parent's anger is merely an incident in a relationship
and does not diminish the love that the parent has for the child. There
is no better way to communicate this than by displays of physical affection.
A hug and a smile go a long way in mending fences.
Preoccupied
with their own anger, parents often forget that their anger affects the
child too, eliciting feelings of anger and humiliation in turn. If a parent
acknowledges this, it helps to reduce feelings of resentment that the child
may harbour or a feeling that he or she has been misunderstood. This will
make your child feel that he or she can still communicate with you. Try
to make your child understand the reasons for your anger. This will diminish
the confusion and fear that children feel when faced with a screaming parent.
A mistake that parents often make is to deny their anger. This only serves
to confuse the child. Children are very sensitive to your feelings and
can accurately judge when you are angry. When you deny the anger, they
get a mixed message that confuses them. They may not be sure about their
reading of other people's feelings and reactions in future. It is important
that you set an example to the child to be honest with themselves.
To conclude,
the fact remains that children can try the patience of a saint. While anger
is a common enough emotion, parents do not want their temper to drive a
wedge between them and their children. Every parent would like that their
children be able to talk to them and not live in fear of them.
Name:
Kaverii
Country: India
Please check out this site....has similar topics on Anger Mgmt and Parenting
http://bre ezermum.blogsp ot.com/
Name:
Vinaya
Country: australia
yes, we all get angry with children but then saying 'sorry' if the anger was disproportionate or talking about what caused us to be angry with the children and also telling them how they should have behaved in that situation helps the child and us immensely. remember for every negative comment you make to a child, try to make at least three positive ones as soon as you can.
Name:
Deepika Belapurkar
Country: india
anger i think is like a debilitating disease unless tackled appropriatly. parenting is the most time consuming and taxing job among all. therefore it is essential to accept that parents cannot be perfect. they are prone to thier own out-bursts under stress. under such circumstances it is important for one parent to remain calm. the child needs to feel secure in the belief that he is still wanted and loved. apologising for incorrect behaviour is top priority. a lot of time should be alloted for doing things together. it can be same and simple hugging. but do it in style, meaning with a lot of time on hand.
Name:
Ritu
Country: india
i have a one year old who turns the whole house up side down. at the end of the day my head is bursting and i cannot take it any more. so i end up shouting at everyone- my husband,, the house hold help and sometimes even the baby. kids at this age can hardly understand a no and they will do whatever they feel like. i think meditation and a lot of strong will power is needed to control anger which can lead to raising your hand on the otherwise innocent kid.
Name:
Gayatri
Country: india
a human is not a saint, anger is a expression if you don't throw it out of your system, it will toxicate your body and you would fall sick. if you observe a small child you will notice that he/ she also has a way of expressing his/her anger. the writer needs to justify his views by giving examples.
Name:
Priya
Country: india
yes, i agree that we should try and control our anger as much as possible. but there should be some sort of vent for the anger or else you either tend to hurt the child or in fear of hurting him too much you tend to hurt yourself. i have two boys with a small age gap of two years. i have to attend to the homework of one while the other who has still not started school tends to distract the other. i also have to spend quality time with both of them and attend to their quarrels. in between all this i tend to get irritated very fast and lose my temper leading to spanking or shouting at both of them. but i feel reading everyone's views and writing down your own tend to calm you down little by little.
Name:
Patty
Country: usa
i found this site on a search. thank you, thank you. i am grateful for any advice to help me deal with my 9 year old daughter who has always been a challenge to parent, so unlike her older brother who has a very easygoing and cooperative personality. it is amazing that two syblings can have such different temperaments. i would like to advise the parent who feels overwhelmed by their anger in dealing with a difficult child to take time to take care of themselves so that their patience can be replenished. getting out with friends to talk about shared difficulties in parenting helps me to vent frustrations and to keep things in perspective. emotions and confidence can take a beating with the daily struggle of parenting a difficult child. knowing that i can turn to my friends for support helps me greatly in this.
Name:
Deepali
Country: dubai
i am mother of two children, three years old daughter and one year old son. it is very very difficult to handle the elder one. she would beat the younger one for no reason, would not give any of the toys out of hundreds of toys in the house, and i loose my temper very often and sometimes beat her also. i really am trying to control my temper. i actually try my best to make her understand things with love but she wouldn't listen and only after shouting and beating she would stop. i really feel sorry for this situation. any suggestions?
Name:
Desperate mom
Country: india
i have a 7 year old daughter who never listens to anything i tell her. right from waking up in the morning, to eating, doing homework, to watching tv and even bedtime. everything is a struggle. inspite of warning her several times, when she doesn't listen, i scream and shout, drag her and make her comply. i even say mean things like i regret having her or that she is the worst child i have seen etc. then later i regret and feel guilty about hurting her self esteem. sometimes i apologise or explain why i shouted at her. but still there aren't too many loving and fun moments that we share.my mind is always preoccupied with this matter and how i can be a better and more indulging mother. is there anyone out there who has this experience and who has tackled this problem effectively?
Name:
Sdua
Country: canada
i am a mother of boy who is 2+.his father is in india and we are in canada.my husband has gone to india for 4 months.my son is missing him alot and i and my husband have always told him that papa will come when santa clause will come.initially he displayed good understanding of the fact but lately he has realised that its been a long time now and he is finding it difficult without him.so, he has started crying alot and mostly for the things which we don't have in our home.he wants the things immeditely and any preposition of buying the thing doesn't help.this shows that he doesn't want the thing but just wants to cry when he returns from his daycare.i understand this but still i hate to see him cry for an hour as i find myself helpless.once i got annoyed and realised that he cried rest of the day without any reason(missing his father more than ever).i felt bad and miserable.but next day when he started it again i tried to control my anger and rather showed my support and love.it really helped!he cried less.nnow he cries for an hour every day and i try to explain to him that how his demand can be fulfilled.he ignore all i say.then i get tired and just leave him to himself.i don't want to do that but i find myself spellbound.he stops crying after some time realising that his unreasonable demands cannot be fulfilled.then i hug him and discuss with him if he thought his demands were reasonable or not and he agrees with me that he was being unreasonable.but still this is the routine and to me it is scary.
i totally agree with what has been written in this article and i think its not impossible to do what has been written in it but my question is "is it okay to ignore when my son cries and is there some way i can stop him from crying very evening."
Name:
Renu
Country: malaysia
i am a mother of two sons. the first hs just turned four while the seond one is 1+. both my sons are very demanding in terms of seeking for attention. the first one has just started nursery and frankly the ordeal of getting him ready in the morning drives me up the wall almost everyday. eventhough i have a stay-in helper, it is of no help mainly because both my sons would insist i tend to them personally at the same time. at times i feel like just walking out and leave them with the maid to handle but the 'mother' in me stops me. so i end up getting angry and feeling sorry for myself. generally i agree with the article but i wonder if truly it works in our daily lives.
Name:
bona&me
Country: india
hello friends,
i have a daughter who is nearly 2 yrs old. i a working motherand my child is with my parents.after coming from work many a times i have noticed that she is very stubborn, will want her way no matter what.also she screams a lot.of course i loose my temper but dono t know how to control it as i feel totally tired after having a tired day at office.
pls help.
Name:
Nehila
Country: other
a ten year old girl thinks that her boyfriend is very temperamental.in theory,i agree that one should try and not have a bad temper.mostly facing a naughty child is a theory and technique that goes flying all over.all the things that i used to know have gone out the window
Name:
Marie
Country: usa
i feel that so overwhelmed with my children. i find myself crying all the time. i have a 7 yrs old daughter and a 2 yrs old daughter. the 7 years old is acting up in school. she won't listen, she acts silly in class, and at home she just wants to do what she wants. i do find that she is having trouble focusing on one thing. it seems that she is thinking of more than one thing at a time. i tried to talk to her about her behavior and she tells me that she will do her best to behave better. my husband is very loving but i feel that he punishes her too much. he will take away the t.v. and toys for the whole day every time he gets a complaint about her behavior. i don't argue with him in her presence because i don't want her to think that we are at different pages. i don't know what to do. i feel like i am going to have a nervous breakdown. i can't think of anything else but on how to help her.
Name:
Rose
Country: usa
i too have a difficult child. i also have an older easy going child. i am a fulltime working mom, have a great husband and am a very anxious person. when i read the paragraph on inapproprite anger i was horrified to be not one but all of those things. i too am very loving with my girls and always try to give them understanding of why i lose my temper and that no matter what i love them. i never had anybody explain the screaming to me, so i feel that i should at least give them the respect of knowing why i might lose my temper. all the time.turning to others and finding time for adult activity helps
Name:
girija
Country: india
all the problems are due to not being prepared for the motherhood enough. not anticipating the intensity of the stress of motherhood. it is very natural and common with every mother.
however to tackle certain problems like "missing a parent" there are a few tips.
1.talk a lot of joyful episodes of that parent.some times you can cookup a little to make the child happy.
2.show pictures of the parent and involve yourself too.
3.make the parent write a nice letter to the child even if the child can't read.you can read it out.if this doesn't happen when you need it,you can do it on your own as a trick for the sake of your child.
take my word it is a passing away phase and willgradually
come to normalcy.
tacklng other problems with kids -
remember your child is not the problem your handling is the problem.
1.know your child.
every thing-1. physiological patterns as to how much food he/she requires,(each one is different please).
2.respect the taste of each one.
3.it is not just patience but tact is what is required.
4.it is easier to convince some children compared to others.you should be observant and smart to learn.
5.tell them if u do this this will happen or else that in concrete terms.
6.reward good behaviour- give surprise gifts when they expect in the least.
7.prepare them before going out about the place, people probable experiences.
8.warn them about your getting angry before you get wild- "see i'm getting angry"-
or "look you are making me lose my cool"- and then smile and give a good hug when the child responds to these words-
even a pause in the tantrum is a good enough achievement for you.
9.be yourself like a child and not as an adult all the time.
10.check your words when you are talking to your child-
is it always-
a)a command
b)an instruction
c)a question
d)a correction
too much of these things will result in problems.
involve completely intheir life appropriately by playing various roles at variuos times -
being a child in child hood,
(play along with them).
being a freind and guide in adolescence etc.
10.don’t bother as long as the activity is not dangerous.
11.don’t create such a surrounding as to trigger a risky incident-
you'll do all the above mentioned only if you really do not want troubles for your self-'cause (in normal children) you are responsible for it most of the time.
i hope fathers also will exactly do it along with the mothers like my husband did it along with me.
Name:
dad
Country: india
kids sure can test the patience of a saint and i am no saint. the whole thing boils down to self control. i wish i knew if anger did influence or play on my 2 yr old daughters mind. advise to short fused dads/moms, just keep cool!
Name:
resa
Country: usa
i just feel so frustrated as a parent!! my daughter whines constantly and it literally drives me up the wall. i end up yelling at her and daily i feel like a failure as a parent. currently i'm pregnant with my second child and am kinda depressed about it. my husband wants lots of kids (and i thought i did to before our marriage)but now i think two is fine. i don't see eye to eye with him on some issues and it is affecting our relationship with each other and our daughter. i am really becoming resentful of all the things that a wife/mother are supposed to be, it is overwhelming.
Name:
gillian
Country: canada
i am soooo relieved to see other moms feel the same way i do - frustrated, angry, and at the end of one's rope. i cannot talk to my friends because i feel they would judge me for losing my temper with my son. he is three years old and so strong willed my husband and i are at our wit's end as to how to control him. he deliberately hurts his 9 month old sister, breaks things, etc.. but we also lose control and scream and sometimes spank. now my son thinks every time he does something wrong he's going to be hit. this isn't the relationship i want and i will make positive changes. i will take time to recharge my energy by taking time for myself, and avoid situations that becomes explosive (trying to do too much when we are both tired, trying to hurry him beyond what he can accomplish). i also need to examine my own childhood and understand why i am the way i am. if i can't understand why i do things how can i expect to change my son's behavior?
Name:
Gita
Country: india
i enjoyed that artile and it made me feel good that i was no devil of a parent. i think we get upset because we over-react when it is our child . we are able to tolerate our neighbours' child, friends' child, and the like. but when it comes to our own, all logic flies away. i think if we too could stand aside and react, even a slow reaction will work wonders, there will be less noise. and the child also would feel like coming over and having a talk - believe me, a child has her / his ego, and hitting the ego is what hurts. i have a daughter who takes me for a ride; on after thought i wonder how easy it is for her to take me through one. i fall bait to each one of her tricks. at times it helps to just stand there and enjoy the fun. it will atleast leave us with a little less of jumpy nerves. because, all that has to be done has anyway to be done. we could do it without much of a grouse. maybe the little one will also be around doing the cleaning up. and the number of clean ups will become lesser. no theory this. because i believe there is no perfect parenting technique. when our little one grows up, it is going to be no different.
Name:
urvi
Country: india
my dillemma is "fine we don't show any anger, but do we let our kiddies do whatever they want to? i have a son who just turned 1,if he wants something, he wants it .....he cries ,cries and cries till we give it to him.at times i am afraid that it would spoil him and when he grows his demands would be un -ending....i am not sure as to is this the age when we discipline him or he is still too young? pls help
Name:
Casey
Country: usa
i have a 8 yr old daughter and the only way to make her listen is to have her dad spank her cause she is daddies little girl and hates when he spanks her.
Name:
nisha
Country: india
it is depressing at the end of it for the mother. cos she has worked at home in mornings - bfast/lunch boxes and in eveing dinner, plus all the other regular chores with job. and you go crazyy when they behave in a "i dont care" way. i get into major depreesive mood swing with my son (6 yr) 's behaviour. dunno what to do. like last night i cried for 2 hrs after he slept and hubby feels its an overrecation and that i need to relax.(
Name:
chetna
Country: dubai
thank you very much for the article. i was a working mom till the last yr,when i decided to quit as i realised that my 4yr old needed me more.
as a full time working mother i subject my son, who was and still is a true angel, to a lot of anger and spanking as i wanted him to be perfect at too early a stage.
the damage done is visible today. from a happy child i have turned him into an aggressive angry child.
now i am trying to control my behaviour and anger as that is the only way he responds.
my inlaws are over indulgent and fail to teach him basic human values ,courtesies and manners which even they lack, coming from a rather humble background and although they love him a lot they have made him stubborn and ever demanding with their constant adulation and praise.they stay with us .
anyways i think i have to take charge of the situation. i hope i am able to reverse the damage done to my child.
Name:
BARODA
Country: india
i am glad i am dad. i have 2 and half year daughter. she was quite obidient till 2 years, suddenly she was exctly do what i said no. she challanges me in this direction and that makes me angry. i have worked with lots of children and i am a teacher so i know what to do. but sometime she wants to do something which is harmful to her or to me or to house. at that time we have to stop her. by saying in good tone she not at all listening. she is active and expressive by nature. she likes to break things, possessiveness ect. i dont mind in that but purposefully she tells no or wdoes what we do not like thats makes me angry.
i think our ego plus children are our children so our genes- mother and father's are inherited in them. so our negative sides shows up in our child which carefully we have hidden in society. children do not know society, they are raw. so we need to take certain risk and new plan on every failed plan before.
