Stressfulsituationsareinevitableinlife.Wearesurroundedbystressorseverywherearoundus.Thereisapotentialforastressfulsituationtoeruptatanytimeinourday,inourlife.Arguablytheworsttimeforastressortooccurwouldbethefirstthinginthemorning.Imaginewakingupandrealisingyouralarmdidn’tgooff,youarenownotonlylate,butyoualsodon’thavetimeforyourmorningroutinethatusuallycreatesthemindsetforyoutostartyourday.Nowyourentiredayisthrownoff-kilter,whichmeansyouarealsomorelikelytomessupthingsfurtherintheday,andevenifyoudonot,anticipatingitmightjustendupwithyoumakingmistakes.Ifnotinthemorning,yourcarmightbreakdownonyourwaytowork.Anaccidentmighttakeplaceonyourroutetowork,makingyoulate.YoureachyourworkplaceonlytorealiseyouforgottobringyourIDorleftbehindsomeotheressentialitemforwork.Maybenoneofthathappensbutassoonasyouwalkin,yourbossormanagerismadatyouforsomereason.Maybetheyarenotmadatyoubutbecauseofsomeurgentsituationatworkandtheyneedallhandsondeck.Maybeyoumissedyourlunchtodaytomeetthatdeadline.Onceyouaredonewiththedayandarefinallyreadytoheadbackhomeandrelax,someonestopsyoutodosomeextrawork.Whatifjustasyouhavemadeithomereadytofinallyunwind,yougetacallfromafriendremindingyoupromisedtogooutorfromyourmotherremindingyouhadconfirmedforfamilydinner.I’msurejustreadingandimaginingthesesituations,especiallyifyouimaginedyourselfinthesescenarios,wasenoughtostressyououtatleastalittle.Andthesearejustthesmall,temporarystressors.Therearesomanysituationswhereyouhavetodealwithmorepermanentstressorsandhavetoundergostressforalongperiodoftime.Thesekindsofstressorstendtobelifeeventsandmajorchanges.Forexamplemovingfromaplaceyouhavelivedforevertoanentirelynewplace,thechangefromhighschooltocollege/university,fromeducationtoenteringtheworkforce,orotherlifeeventslikemarriageandbirthingachild,maybeevenbuyinganewhouse.Someothermajorchangescouldbealotmorebleak,likemaybemeetingwithanaccidentwithlastinginjuries,beingdiagnosedwithalifethreateningdiseases,andconditions.Regardless,thebottomlineisthatweallfeelstress,theonlydifferencemaybethoseamongstindividuals,theintensityofstresstheyarefacingandtheirabilitytocopewithitandhowmuchtheyletthisstressaffecttheirdailylife.Hence,itisimportantforeveryonetobeabletohandlestressandcalmthemselvesunderstressfulsituations.Itisoneofthemostimportantlifeskills,astherewillalwaysbeapossibilityofstressfulsituationsthroughoutlife,thoughwewishyouhavetofaceaslittleofthemaspossible.Sohowdowelearntocalmourselvesdownduringastressfulsituation?Herearesomewaysthat,ifyouremindyourselfwhenyouareverystressed,willhelpyoudecreaseyourlevelofstress-1.RemindyourselftotakeadeepbreathBreathingiseasilythemosteffectivetechniquetohitpausetothethoughtswhirlinginsideyourheadasaresultofstressandforreducinganxietyandangerrapidly. Whenweareangryoranxious,wetendtotakeshallow, andquickbreathsoneaftertheotherasaresultofoursympatheticnervoussystemkickingintogear. Oursympatheticnervoussystemis“coded”toprepareustotackledangerousandstressfulsituations.Sowhenyouaremetwithastressor,yourfightorflightresponseistriggered,leadingtotheseshortandquickbreaths.Whenyoutakealongdeepbreath,notonlyisitreassuringtoyou,butitalsoforcesyourbraintobreakoutofitssympatheticnervoussystemreactionsequence,helpingreducetheneurotransmittersthatarehelpingyouranxietyreachnewpeaks(whichunderaphysicaldangerwouldhavebeenproductive,buttoamentallystressfulsituation?Notsomuch).So,breathingrelaxationtechniquesareasortoffirst-aidtostressfulsituations.Therearemultiplebreathingtechniquesthataimtowardscalmingyoudown.Oneofthemisthree-partbreathing.Thethree-partbreathingtechniqueneedsyoutotakeonedeepbreathinandthenexhalethesamebreathfullybutindoublethetimeittookyoutoinhale,whilealsofocusingyourattentiononyourbody.Youstartwithasimpleinhaleandexhale,nottryingtodoubleyourtimeontheexhale.Onlywhenyougetcomfortablewithnormaldeepbreathing,youcantryandextendthetimeofyourexhaletobea1:2ratio.Atip:Practicethesetechniquesbeforeyouneedthemi.edoa‘test-run’whenyouarecalmsoyoudon’thavetothinkandcansimplydothemwhenyou’reanxious.2.Learntoadmittoyourselfthatyou’reanxiousorangryWeoftentendtodenythingsthatarelikelytomakeusuncomfortable.Andsometimeswedenyourselvesthetruthaboutwhatwearefeelingbecauseitdoesnotalignwiththeimagewehaveofourselves.Wedenythatweareanxiousorangrywithsomething,andrepressitbecausefeelingallthosethingsalsomakesusfeelvulnerable.Butthathelpsnoone.Thequickerweacknowledgeandacceptwhatwearefeeling,thequickerwewillbeabletoresolve.Sometimesatonofanxietycomesfromtheconfusionastowhatitisthatwearereallyfeeling.Sojustidentifyingwhatwearefeelingcanhelplessenourangeroranxiety.3.QuestionyourthoughtsThethingaboutoverwhelmingfeelingsisthatsometimestheymakeusspiral,whatstartsoffasavalidreactiontoastressfulsituationmayspiralintoathoughtprocessthatisonlycausingyoumorestress.Abigpartofbeingangryoranxiousishavingirrationalthoughts,thoughtsthatdon’tnecessarilymakesenseorareevenbasedonreality.Thesethoughtsoftenprojecttheworst-casescenario.Theyaremorecentredaroundeverythingthatcangowrong,wheninrealityeverysituationhasveryrealisticchancesofboth-thingsgoingwrong,butalsothingsgoingright.Wemightfindourselvescaughtinthiscycleofthoughtsthatstartwith“whatif...”,andthisthoughtprocessitselfcaninfluenceyouractionsinsuchawaythattheactionsmakethethoughtcometrue.Basically,stress-inducedthinkinglacksclarityandcanbeirrational.Sohowdoweremedyit?Byquestioningourthoughts.“Thisthought,howrationalisit?”Isthewaythisscenarioisunfoldinginmymindactuallylikelytohappen,oramIthinkingthissothatiftheworstthinghappensIcanconsolemyselfbysayingIhadalreadythoughtofit?Eveniftheworstofthisscenariocomestobetrue,isitsomethingIabsolutelycannotfix?Taketheanswersfromyourlineofquestioningandthenadjustyourthinking.Insteadofthinking“Thispersonsaidthattomeonlyandonlybecausetheywantedtooffendme”,think“Whattheysaidcanbeinterpretedinthisway,butthiswaytoo.IshouldclarifyitwiththembeforeImakemyselfupset”4.Findawaytode-compressLikewediscussedbeforewhenmetwithastressfulsituation,oursympatheticnervoussystemkicksintogear,releasingabunchofadrenalinintoyourbloodstreamthaturgesyoutoaction.Weneedtofindawaytoreleaseit,withoutitresultinginanangryoranxiousreactionthatwemightregretlater.Sogooutforajogorawalk,maybedoaquickexercise,climbupanddownaflightofstairs.Becarefultonotexertthisexcessenergyinanactionthatexpressesangerlikepunchingabagorscreaming,assuchactionscanincreasethesefeelings.Wewanttocalmdown,sousethisenergyindoingsomethingthatcalmsus.5.ImaginethatyouarecalmWhileexecutingthefirst-aidofstressi.ebreathing,closeyoureyesandvisualiseyourselfbeingcalm,tacklingthesituationthatisbotheringyoubybeingcalm,whatyournextstepshouldbeasacalmindividual.Imagineyourselfrelaxingyourmusclesandrelaxyourmusclesinrealityaswell.Thiswillhelpyoucalmdown,aswellasgiveyouabetteridea,andframeworkofsorts,torefertodecidewhatyoushoulddothatwouldbeawell-thought-outstep.6.RationalizeCreatearealitytest.Thispointtiesbacktothepointaboutourinstinctualreactionshamperingourabilitytothinkrationally.Findamantra,aspecificquestionthatisvagueenoughtofitmostofthesituationsthatcancauseyoustress.Somethinglike-“Willthisstillbeimportanttomeinaday,aweek,amonth,orayear?”“IsthisworththeamountofenergyIamputtingintoit?”“Isthissituationworthmecompromisingmypeace?”Thisquestionwillhelpyoushiftyourfocusfromthe‘whatcanbe’toamorerationallineofthinking,onethatisbasedmoreonvalue-judgement,andwillhelpyoufindasolutionthatisnecessary.Itwillhelparationalthoughttopiercethroughalineofirrationalthoughtanddirectittowardsamoresensiblemindset.7. ListentomusicNeurologically,musicandrhythmicsoundwaveshelpuscalmourselves.Sothenexttimeyoufeelstressgettingtoyou,oryoustartfeelingveryoverwhelmedbyeverything,grabsomeheadphonesandlistentoyourfavouritemusic,thekindofmusicyouwanttolistentoatthatmoment.Notonlydoesthishaveaverycalmingeffectonyourbodyandmind,butitwillalsodistractyoufromstressfulthoughtsandgiveyouamomentaryrespite.8.RefocusChangethescenery.Ifitisaconversationthatisescalating,exittheconversation,lookawayandinadifferentdirection,walkoutoftheroomifyouneedto,orsimplygooutside.Continuingtobeinasituationorspacethatisdoingabsolutelynothingtoreduceouranxietyisonlydetrimentaltoourcalm.Sotakeabreakfromthesituation,andtaketimetocalmyourselfdownbeforeengaginginthesituationanyfurther.9.PhysicallyrelaxyourselfOurphysiologicalreactiontostressistoclenchup,tenseeverymuscleinourbodytobereadyforaction.Andsinceourphysicalbodyandourmindhaveasymbioticrelationship,atensebodywillfinditveryhardtohavearelaxedmind.Somakeanactiveefforttorelaxyourmuscles.Remindyourselftorelaxyourshouldersandspine,unclenchyourjaw,mayberotateyourneck,andtryandphysicallyrelaxintoasofaorchair.Practiceprogressivemusclerelaxationtoo,itisaverythoroughwaytorelaxyourbodythatalsoresultsinamuchmorerelaxedmindtoworkwith.10PutitintowordsSometimeswefeelsomanydifferentemotionsorthinkssomanythoughtsatoncethatwefindithardtodiscernthemfromeachotherandverbalisethem.Andifwedon’tfindanoutletforthem,theyaregoingtokeepswirlinginourconsciousnessandcontinuetomakeusfeelstressed.Agoodwaytoorganiseyourthoughtsandletthemoutatthesametimewouldbetowritethemout.Itdoesn’thavetobeproper,itdoesn’tevenhavetohavepropergrammarandpunctuation-nooneisgoingtoreadit,itisonlyforyourself.Itissimplytogetitoutofyourhead. Andifyouwanttogoaheadandmakeitproductive,youcangoastepfurtherandcandwritedownwhatyouplantodo,whichalsohelpsyoucommittoyourplan.11.Freshairhelpsfreshenupamind.Theenvironmentweareingreatlyinfluencesourmoodandthinking.Likewesaidinthepointbefore,unlessyouarephysicallyrelaxed,itwillbeveryhardtorelaxmentally.Iftheroomyouareinisatanuncomfortabletemperatureordoesnothaveenoughaircirculation,itwillonlymakeyouuncomfortable,jitterandinseverecasescantriggerapanicattack.Insuchacase,walkoutandgetsomefreshair.Itwillinstantlyhelpyoufeelbetterphysically,andsoonyourmindwillfollow.Notonlywillithelpyoucalmdown,butanewplacewillalsohelpyouthinkfromnewandfreshperspectives.12.Don’tletyourselfgethangry.Hungerandthirstarethemostbasicofhumanreactions,weneedfoodandwatertosurvive.Theyarethemostessential,andtheverycoresofourbrainsneedthesetofunction.Itisonlynaturalthatyouwillbeirritableandcrankywhenyouarehungryorthirsty,andthisalsoimpedesyourmindfromworkingpeacefully,initsfullcapacity.Sograbsomethingtoeatanddrinkaglassofwater,youwillbesurprisedathowmuchbetteritboth-helpsyoufeelandhelpsyouthink.
Stressful situations are inevitable in life. We are surrounded by stressors everywhere around us. There is a potential for a stressful situation to erupt at any time in our day, in our life. Arguably the worst time for a stressor to occur would be the first thing in the morning. Imagine waking up and realising your alarm didn’t go off, you are now not only late, but you also don’t have time for your morning routine that usually creates the mindset for you to start your day. Now your entire day is thrown off-kilter, which means you are also more likely to mess up things further in the day, and even if you do not, anticipating it might just end up with you making mistakes.
If not in the morning, your car might break down on your way to work. An accident might take place on your route to work, making you late. You reach your workplace only to realise you forgot to bring your ID or left behind some other essential item for work. Maybe none of that happens but as soon as you walk in, your boss or manager is mad at you for some reason. Maybe they are not mad at you but because of some urgent situation at work and they need all hands on deck. Maybe you missed your lunch today to meet that deadline. Once you are done with the day and are finally ready to head back home and relax, someone stops you to do some extra work. What if just as you have made it home ready to finally unwind, you get a call from a friend reminding you promised to go out or from your mother reminding you had confirmed for family dinner.
I’m sure just reading and imagining these situations, especially if you imagined yourself in these scenarios, was enough to stress you out at least a little. And these are just the small, temporary stressors. There are so many situations where you have to deal with more permanent stressors and have to undergo stress for a long period of time. These kinds of stressors tend to be life events and major changes. For example moving from a place you have lived forever to an entirely new place, the change from high school to college/university, from education to entering the workforce, or other life events like marriage and birthing a child, maybe even buying a new house. Some other major changes could be a lot more bleak, like maybe meeting with an accident with lasting injuries, being diagnosed with a life threatening diseases, and conditions.
Regardless, the bottom line is that we all feel stress, the only difference may be those amongst individuals, the intensity of stress they are facing and their ability to cope with it and how much they let this stress affect their daily life. Hence, it is important for everyone to be able to handle stress and calm themselves under stressful situations. It is one of the most important life skills, as there will always be a possibility of stressful situations throughout life, though we wish you have to face as little of them as possible.
So how do we learn to calm ourselves down during a stressful situation? Here are some ways that, if you remind yourself when you are very stressed, will help you decrease your level of stress -
1. Remind yourself to take a deep breath
Breathing is easily the most effective technique to hit pause to the thoughts whirling inside your head as a result of stress and for reducing anxiety and anger rapidly. When we are angry or anxious, we tend to take shallow, and quick breaths one after the other as a result of our sympathetic nervous system kicking into gear. Our sympathetic nervous system is “coded” to prepare us to tackle dangerous and stressful situations. So when you are met with a stressor, your fight or flight response is triggered, leading to these short and quick breaths. When you take a long deep breath, not only is it reassuring to you, but it also forces your brain to break out of its sympathetic nervous system reaction sequence, helping reduce the neurotransmitters that are helping your anxiety reach new peaks (which under a physical danger would have been productive, but to a mentally stressful situation? Not so much). So, breathing relaxation techniques are a sort of first-aid to stressful situations.
There are multiple breathing techniques that aim towards calming you down. One of them is three-part breathing. The three-part breathing technique needs you to take one deep breath in and then exhale the same breath fully but in double the time it took you to inhale, while also focusing your attention on your body.
You start with a simple inhale and exhale, not trying to double your time on the exhale. Only when you get comfortable with normal deep breathing, you can try and extend the time of your exhale to be a 1:2 ratio.
A tip: Practice these techniques before you need them i.e do a ‘test-run’ when you are calm so you don’t have to think and can simply do them when you’re anxious.
2. Learn to admit to yourself that you’re anxious or angry
We often tend to deny things that are likely to make us uncomfortable. And sometimes we deny ourselves the truth about what we are feeling because it does not align with the image we have of ourselves. We deny that we are anxious or angry with something, and repress it because feeling all those things also makes us feel vulnerable. But that helps no one. The quicker we acknowledge and accept what we are feeling, the quicker we will be able to resolve. Sometimes a ton of anxiety comes from the confusion as to what it is that we are really feeling. So just identifying what we are feeling can help lessen our anger or anxiety.
3. Question your thoughts
The thing about overwhelming feelings is that sometimes they make us spiral, what starts off as a valid reaction to a stressful situation may spiral into a thought process that is only causing you more stress.
A big part of being angry or anxious is having irrational thoughts, thoughts that don’t necessarily make sense or are even based on reality. These thoughts often project the worst-case scenario. They are more centred around everything that can go wrong, when in reality every situation has very realistic chances of both - things going wrong, but also things going right. We might find ourselves caught in this cycle of thoughts that start with “what if...”, and this thought process itself can influence your actions in such a way that the actions make the thought come true. Basically, stress-induced thinking lacks clarity and can be irrational. So how do we remedy it? By questioning our thoughts.
“This thought, how rational is it?”
Is the way this scenario is unfolding in my mind actually likely to happen, or am I thinking this so that if the worst thing happens I can console myself by saying I had already thought of it?
Even if the worst of this scenario comes to be true, is it something I absolutely cannot fix?
Take the answers from your line of questioning and then adjust your thinking. Instead of thinking “This person said that to me only and only because they wanted to offend me”, think “What they said can be interpreted in this way, but this way too. I should clarify it with them before I make myself upset”
4. Find a way to de-compress
Like we discussed before when met with a stressful situation, our sympathetic nervous system kicks into gear, releasing a bunch of adrenalin into your bloodstream that urges you to action. We need to find a way to release it, without it resulting in an angry or anxious reaction that we might regret later. So go out for a jog or a walk, maybe do a quick exercise, climb up and down a flight of stairs. Be careful to not exert this excess energy in an action that expresses anger like punching a bag or screaming, as such actions can increase these feelings. We want to calm down, so use this energy in doing something that calms us.
5. Imagine that you are calm
While executing the first-aid of stress i.e breathing, close your eyes and visualise yourself being calm, tackling the situation that is bothering you by being calm, what your next step should be as a calm individual. Imagine yourself relaxing your muscles and relax your muscles in reality as well. This will help you calm down, as well as give you a better idea, and framework of sorts, to refer to decide what you should do that would be a well-thought-out step.
6. Rationalize
Create a reality test. This point ties back to the point about our instinctual reactions hampering our ability to think rationally.
Find a mantra, a specific question that is vague enough to fit most of the situations that can cause you stress. Something like -
“Will this still be important to me in a day, a week, a month, or a year?”
“Is this worth the amount of energy I am putting into it?”
“Is this situation worth me compromising my peace?”
This question will help you shift your focus from the ‘what can be’ to a more rational line of thinking, one that is based more on value-judgement, and will help you find a solution that is necessary. It will help a rational thought to pierce through a line of irrational thought and direct it towards a more sensible mindset.
7. Listen to music
Neurologically, music and rhythmic soundwaves help us calm ourselves. So the next time you feel stress getting to you, or you start feeling very overwhelmed by everything, grab some headphones and listen to your favourite music, the kind of music you want to listen to at that moment.
Not only does this have a very calming effect on your body and mind, but it will also distract you from stressful thoughts and give you a momentary respite.
8. Refocus
Change the scenery. If it is a conversation that is escalating, exit the conversation, look away and in a different direction, walk out of the room if you need to, or simply go outside.
Continuing to be in a situation or space that is doing absolutely nothing to reduce our anxiety is only detrimental to our calm. So take a break from the situation, and take time to calm yourself down before engaging in the situation any further.
9. Physically relax yourself
Our physiological reaction to stress is to clench up, tense every muscle in our body to be ready for action. And since our physical body and our mind have a symbiotic relationship, a tense body will find it very hard to have a relaxed mind. So make an active effort to relax your muscles.
Remind yourself to relax your shoulders and spine, unclench your jaw, maybe rotate your neck, and try and physically relax into a sofa or chair. Practice progressive muscle relaxation too, it is a very thorough way to relax your body that also results in a much more relaxed mind to work with.
10 Put it into words
Sometimes we feel so many different emotions or thinks so many thoughts at once that we find it hard to discern them from each other and verbalise them. And if we don’t find an outlet for them, they are going to keep swirling in our consciousness and continue to make us feel stressed. A good way to organise your thoughts and let them out at the same time would be to write them out. It doesn’t have to be proper, it doesn’t even have to have proper grammar and punctuation - no one is going to read it, it is only for yourself. It is simply to get it out of your head. And if you want to go ahead and make it productive, you can go a step further and cand write down what you plan to do, which also helps you commit to your plan.
11. Fresh air helps freshen up a mind.
The environment we are in greatly influences our mood and thinking. Like we said in the point before, unless you are physically relaxed, it will be very hard to relax mentally. If the room you are in is at an uncomfortable temperature or does not have enough air circulation, it will only make you uncomfortable, jitter and in severe cases can trigger a panic attack.
In such a case, walk out and get some fresh air. It will instantly help you feel better physically, and soon your mind will follow. Not only will it help you calm down, but a new place will also help you think from new and fresh perspectives.
12. Don’t let yourself get hangry.
Hunger and thirst are the most basic of human reactions, we need food and water to survive. They are the most essential, and the very cores of our brains need these to function. It is only natural that you will be irritable and cranky when you are hungry or thirsty, and this also impedes your mind from working peacefully, in its full capacity. So grab something to eat and drink a glass of water, you will be surprised at how much better it both - helps you feel and helps you think.
