Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi:
I read almost all the articles regd. in-laws problems. Then I realised this is a very common problem. My parents came to US for 4 months. After 5 years they are visiting me. I was so excited. I got married 2 yrs back and don't have a kid. My parents are so possesive abt me especially my mom as I am the only son.
My wife and my mom slowly started having friction. It increased from small to big arguments
Because of that me and my wife started arguing and fighting. My mom's and my wife's views are different and so they didn't get along well.
At the end of 4 months...they stopped talking to each other. I understand that both of them are doing mistakes. I was stuck in the middle. If I support my mom my wife got upset and If I support my wife my mom got upset. I had a tough time and my life became so miserable and I was not able to concentrate in my job. No my parents are back to India.
For the last six months my wife and my mom didn't talk to each other. No contacts at all....that makes my life more difficult as if I am having 2 different lifes.
I lost all my peace in life because of this and I am not able to lead a happy life. I love both my mom and my wife very much. My wife thinks I support my parents a lot and showing more concentration on them than her. I show the normal love & affection to my parents...what is wrong in that? Is it not a son's duty ?
What am I supposed to do ? Any advise will be really appreciated. I am so depressed.
Regards,
Sonu SMK replied. need to lie with your wife period. At the same time make sure you respect your parents. You have to make your parents realize that its your & your wife's life now. Do this as respectfully as you can. Believe me if the wife ain't happy then no one in the house is. Your priority in any which way should be your wife. Discuss all issues with an open mind with your wife. Listen to both sides. And explain to your parents what ur wife's difficulties are. This age old story of husbands staying out of their saas-bahu quarell is a complete bull. You guys (wife n you) need to love each other, coz it will adversly effect your family environment. You ought to be each others friends & confidant. Explain to your mom that if she doesn't shower love on her DIL, there is always going to be friction. At the same time let your wife open up the communication lines between herself n her MIL. She needs to put aside her ego & show them love n respect. And explain lovingly if shes unable to her MIL's demands. Most MILs exhibit possessive behaviour after marriage because they feel very insecure with the new DIL. Love beget love & hate beget hate. Hope this helps. anon replied. Dear Sonu, I can understand your dilemma. But I am a wife who does not get along very well with my MIL and do not talk with her on phone. We have never fought but that day is not very far if we stay in one house for long. I can tell you from a wife's perspective. My husband never took sides , thats the key o.w one of them will get hurt (or insulted). You agree that your mom is over-possessive you being the only son. How would you like if your wife's parents get so possessive about her? All parents like a son/daughter equally BUT the key is how they distance themselves when their kids have a family of their own. Would you not feel insecure if your MIL/FIL sits by your wife not letting you have private moments with her, poke their nose in every matter and your FIL teaches you how to manage finance, be a good husband, make lots of money to keep his daughter happy, attimes compare you with his son etc etc. This is what exactly maybe your mom does to ur wife. This is a wife's perspective and surely their will be your mom's side too. Both the women are important in your life BUT your mom has lived her life (the way she wanted or someone else wanted tahts her choice/decision). Your wife will definitely NOT live a life that your parents want her to. Bcos she has a mind and choice of her own. So do not force her bcos that will fetch you nothing. You can talk to your parents' on phone. I hope your wife is not restricting you to talk to them. Expect only that much affection/tolerance from your wife (for ur parents) that you have for your ILs, the truth is even less. With time your wife/mom will exchange required words with each other. Believe me , me and my MIL talk only that much. And I can guarantee on my part I have no affection(or respect in terms of ILs respect which is a special category in India) for them. It is just that we are dragged into that relation just bcos I have married their son. Hope this helps to clear some picture of a wife/DIL in your mind. Now my hubby knows what I exactly feel but he has no choice bcos you cannot decide how others think/act. Can you be forced to like/respect/love someone? Same goes for your wife. Raghu replied. Dear Sonu
I can understand your feelings very much & empathise with you. I have undergone all this mental turmoil myself & have come out of it unscathed.
First & foremost, possesive streak from both ends are the root cause of the problem. Do not blame yourself for it. Distance is a healer. Slowly try telling your wife to strat talking to your mom atleast few words for coutesey sake. As both are matured, stubborn adults, it is impossible to see any miraculous change in their attitude towards each other. You have live with it. But they can make small changes like atleast sayinmg \";Hi\"; to one another over the phone (to begin with), for your sake. You cannot abandon either of them. So that's reason enough to make amends in their battered relationship. Slowly tell your mom as well to take a positive step in improving her relationship with your wife. Both your mom & your wife should understand that to make you happy they will have to live with each other under the same roof, if not now , but after few years. Why make you miserable in the bargain?
Talk to both of them & explain to them .