Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I need help because I cannot stand up for myself againsy my mil. I was never able to say no to her until a few months back when I decided it was time to change. But even today when I do say no to her or oppose her I feel scared and guilty about it. (She has brainwashed me into feeling that way.) She knows that I am scared of her and her anger and she uses this fear and guilt to maipulate me.

She is the most dominating person I have ever seen. But not only that, she is also the most manipulative person that I have ever come across which makes things even worse. She never says anything to me directly. Everything comes as a taunt. I can never point a finger at her. She is very sweet to me in front of my friends for example and changes colors when nobody is around. So tomorrow if I tell people that I am having problems with my mil and she tortures me, no one would beleive me. In fact they will think that I have a problem for complaining against such a sweet person.

I have 2 brothers who live in the U.S. She hates when i visit them. Again, she never tells me directly not to visit them but whenever I do visit them, I notice the change in her behavior, her tone etc. She stops talking to me properly and then after a few days pressurizes me to visit mi SIL (husband's sister) who also lives in the U.S. My mil slowly broke all ties with her 'sasural' since she got married and now she fears that I will do the same. Only people who are capable of doing such things will think that way.

I have a 3 year old daughter whom I love a lot. My mil is jealous of the fact that my daughter is crazy about me. So whenever she is here, she sees to it that I get to spend as little time as possible with my daughter. I get up early in the morning to make lunch and start getting the dinner ready when I come home from work. In this time my mil is busy playing with my daughter. I do all the time consuming things like cutting, cleaning, doing dishes and keep everything ready for her and then she makes the actual dish which does not take long since I keep everthing ready. That way she can tell everbody taht we cook together. I told her that we can plan on the menu in advance so that I can make all the preparations on the weekend which will reduce my work load on the weekdays, but she just makes up some reason and does not let me do anything on weekends. I can not decide on the menu without asking her. I live in the U.S. where hiring a cook is expensive but I even don't even mind doing that when she is here, but she does not approve of it.

The day care that I chose for my daughter was near my workplace. I used to leave home a bit early for work, spend some time with my little one on the way, and then drop her off at day care. But my shrewd mil realized this, made up some reason and made me change the day care and now may daughter goes to a day care which is close to where we live so that my mil can go anyime and pick her up.

My mil never tells my daughter directly that I am not a good mom, but says things in front of her like how my SIL and some other moms take good care of their children etc.

As such I don't like my daughter spending time with my mil because although I can tolerate anything else I cannot tolerate a person who is jealous because my daughter loves me a lot. I feel guilty about the fact taht I don't want my daughter to get close to her grandmother. When I got married I always dreamt of a happy family where my kids are crazy about their grandparents. Afterall I was myself very close to my own grandparents. I read Mrs. Sharma's message yesterday where she said that her DILs don't let their kids get close to her. I feel am I becoming a DIL like her DILs. Should I feel guilty about the way I think?

My in-laws are not well off. We do everything that we can to help them financially sometimes even when it means on compromising on our priorities. We send them money, take them on trips, buy them gifts etc. I have not spent even a fraction of what we spend for them on my parents. But she just takes all these things for granted. (I have no problem helping them financially no matter how bad they behave with me)

How can I stand up for myself and her manipulative behavior? She has brainwashed me into thinking that she has done so much for her son, opposing her is disrespecting her. She tells me indirectly that she will tell everyone that I am a bad DIL if I don't listen to her. (I won't be surprised if people believe her, she is so sweet in front of others) Should I feel guilty about the fact that I don't want my daughter getting to close to her? Guilt is one thing that keeps me from standing up for myself.
How do I stop getting scared of her. How to I stand up for myself? Please help me. life replied. Dear Sheetal
I can really understand what you are undergoing purely bcoz I am also with you in the same boat!! yes, my MIL is very manipulative and she behaves very nicely in front of others but at the same time makes me feel guilty if I go against her!!
Offlate I have realised that being silent to whatever she does and says gives me power to do whatever I want. I think u got my point. See if you just listen without saying anything she thinks she has won and at the same time you can do whatever you want. So there is only one battle to fight instead of two and I strongly feel that this battle is easy to win

So just remain silent and do whatever u want..

all the best sheetal replied. I wanted to add that what I have written is just a part of the story. Even before I had kid my mil tortured me with all her taunts - to me and to my parents. I used to cry but never had the guts to answer her back.
There are endless things that hurt me a lot but I ignored and continue to do so. She has not harmed me physically but have done everything she can to torture me mentally. If I mention them all, it will be a never ending story.