Hi you all daughter in laws,
You might be surprised to see a mother in law here on this board. And you would be even more surprized if I tell you that I am in Delhi and its 2 AM here and I am writing in this forum with pseudonym!
I am very depressed today and was searching some way to express my anguish. I know about this website and used to read the forums but it seems its only for daughter in laws/younger generation. But today I am so depressed that I am using your board to tell you my feelings.
I am 58 years old retired English Professor.( I took retiremnet because of my health. I have arthirits pain and can't stand/sit in one position for long time.) I lost my husband 5 years ago to heart attck. The day of his death was the last day of my haapiness and mentalpeace.
I have 3 sons and 2 daughter in laws. My both sons are earning well in MNcs having 2 cars and a good lifestyle if you say so! My husband buit our three storyed big house in a posh area of south delhi. But When my elder son got married, he legally divided the kothi in 3 parts. Ground floor for us, first for my elder son and DIL and Second for my Second son and his wife.
I am retired but getting a monthly pension which suffice me for my daily expenses. My husband also left me some amount in our joint account. So I think financilly GOD has been very kind to me. But my problem is emotional. In the ground floor, where I love now, we have 3 bedrooms. I live in One and have reserved one for any guest i may have occasuonly. Inthird room though my DILs have kept their stuff and use it as store room. They have 3 bedroom sets on each floor for them and thir kids. (Elder one has 2 sons and secon done has a son and a daughter). You won't believe that how my DILs taunt me for reserving the other bedroom as guest room. They want it to give it for rent for a working girl (as its very common in our neighborhhod). They bitch about me to my neighbors/relatives that I don't want to give it to rent and deprive them of extra money! I have a widow bhabhi who lives in delhi and is working. She has her own family but as you know her sons and daughters also think her as a burden(inspite of her earning for herself), so she comes to stay with me in holidays, and weekends as she is in govt job she has 2 days off. I find company and we don't take a penny from our children. But ye bhi meri DIls se bardasht nahi hota. They say ki main aur meri bhabhi unki burai karte hain aur meri bhabhi unki property lena chati hai!(poor soul, she never can think of this).
Now my DIls are also from delhi, so they have thier parents also coming to our house. For them they never say anything about staying here on holidays and spending money on them. I never interfere in their lives..
anyhow..After my retirement last year I bought a computer for myself from my retirement fund. This created a huge uproar and drama in my households. My sons and DIls both wanted this money to be spent on them/or deposted equally in thier accounts..believe me I don't spend a penny on luxury but as I am an educated lady and know how to use internet from my college , i wanted to have it to pass my time and to write e-mail to my extended family in USA. But my DIls taunted me an told me names like \";sathiya gayin hai etc etc \"; I came to know about it from my neighbour lady who told me that my bahu wa saying \"; Humne duniya mein itni budhiyan dekhi hain but inke nakhre jaisa koi nahi dekha\";.
Aap log vishwas nahi karoge ki mainkitna royi hoon..I spend money on thier kids, I give them gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, festivals but still they think I am greedy and spent my money on a computer.
Secondly, They laready have thier house, cars and after me whatever money i will be left with, it will be theirs but my daughetr in laws ko mera khana peena tak dushwar lagta hai.
You won't believe that my both DILs are hosewives but I cook for myself.:-( I have a small kitchen on my floor and because I don't eat meat, they sai d\"; ki hum bachhon ke chakkar mein time par nahi bana paate to aap apne liye subah chai nashta bana lo..time bhi kat jaayega aapka\";! I never ask them for morning tea as they both have thire husbands and kids to take care..But lunch/dinner tak main itn athak jaati hoon ki khud banta nahi..and because i don't eat pyaz, lehsun they say ki humse alag nahi banta..ya to pyaz wala kha lo ya khud banao\"; I had pains in my legs so maine ek kaam waali rakh li to is par ghar mein hungama hua..meri bahu ne bola ki humare bachhon ki padhai ke liye hum ek ek paisa save kar rahe hain aur aap naukar rakh kar sab uda do, ye nahi ki pote potiyon ke liye kuchh jama karein\";
Main itna roti hoon kai baar to gussa aatahai but apne beton se kuchh nahi kehti ye sochkar ki i dshould not disturb their maried life..bahu beta mein shanti bani rahe tabhi achha hai..but main khud kamate hue bhi emotinally itna torture jhel rahi hoon..
Apne relatives ko bhi kuchh keh nahi sakti kyonki relatives bhi kyak ar sakte hai..paise se mujhe koimadad nahi chahiye but meri bahuien mujhje ek insaan ki tarah treat karein na ki ek bojh ki tarah..:-( Yahan tak ki mere grandchildren ko mere paas zyada der rukne nahi dete ki kahin mein unki maa ke khilaaf unke kaan to nahi bhar rahi (ye baat meri ek rishteddar se pata chali),,imagine my eldest grandosn is 9..usko kya kaan bharoongi main..
Is forum mein dekha ki there are so many girls who are troubled by their in laws. I feel sorry for them. But bahuon ko to sansaar ki sahanubhuti mil jaati hai ki uski saas buri hai but mere jaise saas ko to sahanubhuti bhi nahi milti kyonki for the world, i am getting pension and i am educated so they think i am happy! I have freedom..but only to stay in my room and cook for myself.no respect. nolove..
I wish I should have gone with my husband. I don't know kab tak ye life chalegi aise..I am so lonely.
Its late here but I have no sleep.
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Hi you all daughter in laws,
You might be surprised to see a mother in law here on this board. And you would be even more surprized if I tell you that I am in Delhi and its 2 AM here and I am writing in this forum with pseudonym!
I am very depressed today and was searching some way to express my anguish. I know about this website and used to read the forums but it seems its only for daughter in laws/younger generation. But today I am so depressed that I am using your board to tell you my feelings.
I am 58 years old retired English Professor.( I took retiremnet because of my health. I have arthirits pain and can't stand/sit in one position for long time.) I lost my husband 5 years ago to heart attck. The day of his death was the last day of my haapiness and mentalpeace.
I have 3 sons and 2 daughter in laws. My both sons are earning well in MNcs having 2 cars and a good lifestyle if you say so! My husband buit our three storyed big house in a posh area of south delhi. But When my elder son got married, he legally divided the kothi in 3 parts. Ground floor for us, first for my elder son and DIL and Second for my Second son and his wife.
I am retired but getting a monthly pension which suffice me for my daily expenses. My husband also left me some amount in our joint account. So I think financilly GOD has been very kind to me. But my problem is emotional. In the ground floor, where I love now, we have 3 bedrooms. I live in One and have reserved one for any guest i may have occasuonly. Inthird room though my DILs have kept their stuff and use it as store room. They have 3 bedroom sets on each floor for them and thir kids. (Elder one has 2 sons and secon done has a son and a daughter). You won't believe that how my DILs taunt me for reserving the other bedroom as guest room. They want it to give it for rent for a working girl (as its very common in our neighborhhod). They bitch about me to my neighbors/relatives that I don't want to give it to rent and deprive them of extra money! I have a widow bhabhi who lives in delhi and is working. She has her own family but as you know her sons and daughters also think her as a burden(inspite of her earning for herself), so she comes to stay with me in holidays, and weekends as she is in govt job she has 2 days off. I find company and we don't take a penny from our children. But ye bhi meri DIls se bardasht nahi hota. They say ki main aur meri bhabhi unki burai karte hain aur meri bhabhi unki property lena chati hai!(poor soul, she never can think of this).
Now my DIls are also from delhi, so they have thier parents also coming to our house. For them they never say anything about staying here on holidays and spending money on them. I never interfere in their lives..
anyhow..After my retirement last year I bought a computer for myself from my retirement fund. This created a huge uproar and drama in my households. My sons and DIls both wanted this money to be spent on them/or deposted equally in thier accounts..believe me I don't spend a penny on luxury but as I am an educated lady and know how to use internet from my college , i wanted to have it to pass my time and to write e-mail to my extended family in USA. But my DIls taunted me an told me names like \";sathiya gayin hai etc etc \"; I came to know about it from my neighbour lady who told me that my bahu wa saying \"; Humne duniya mein itni budhiyan dekhi hain but inke nakhre jaisa koi nahi dekha\";.
Aap log vishwas nahi karoge ki mainkitna royi hoon..I spend money on thier kids, I give them gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, festivals but still they think I am greedy and spent my money on a computer.
Secondly, They laready have thier house, cars and after me whatever money i will be left with, it will be theirs but my daughetr in laws ko mera khana peena tak dushwar lagta hai.
You won't believe that my both DILs are hosewives but I cook for myself.:-( I have a small kitchen on my floor and because I don't eat meat, they sai d\"; ki hum bachhon ke chakkar mein time par nahi bana paate to aap apne liye subah chai nashta bana lo..time bhi kat jaayega aapka\";! I never ask them for morning tea as they both have thire husbands and kids to take care..But lunch/dinner tak main itn athak jaati hoon ki khud banta nahi..and because i don't eat pyaz, lehsun they say ki humse alag nahi banta..ya to pyaz wala kha lo ya khud banao\"; I had pains in my legs so maine ek kaam waali rakh li to is par ghar mein hungama hua..meri bahu ne bola ki humare bachhon ki padhai ke liye hum ek ek paisa save kar rahe hain aur aap naukar rakh kar sab uda do, ye nahi ki pote potiyon ke liye kuchh jama karein\";
Main itna roti hoon kai baar to gussa aatahai but apne beton se kuchh nahi kehti ye sochkar ki i dshould not disturb their maried life..bahu beta mein shanti bani rahe tabhi achha hai..but main khud kamate hue bhi emotinally itna torture jhel rahi hoon..
Apne relatives ko bhi kuchh keh nahi sakti kyonki relatives bhi kyak ar sakte hai..paise se mujhe koimadad nahi chahiye but meri bahuien mujhje ek insaan ki tarah treat karein na ki ek bojh ki tarah..:-( Yahan tak ki mere grandchildren ko mere paas zyada der rukne nahi dete ki kahin mein unki maa ke khilaaf unke kaan to nahi bhar rahi (ye baat meri ek rishteddar se pata chali),,imagine my eldest grandosn is 9..usko kya kaan bharoongi main..
Is forum mein dekha ki there are so many girls who are troubled by their in laws. I feel sorry for them. But bahuon ko to sansaar ki sahanubhuti mil jaati hai ki uski saas buri hai but mere jaise saas ko to sahanubhuti bhi nahi milti kyonki for the world, i am getting pension and i am educated so they think i am happy! I have freedom..but only to stay in my room and cook for myself.no respect. nolove..
I wish I should have gone with my husband. I don't know kab tak ye life chalegi aise..I am so lonely.
Its late here but I have no sleep.
cd replied. there is this side of the coin too!
Make the dils vacate your third bedroom, give that room on rent. you'll have some company and some extra money too.
as long as you are not asking them for any help (financially or otherwise) they cannot too. tell them, since you have seperated. you can lead your independant lives.
Be strongly independant. Donot ask them to cook food for you or any help. Rent your room, keep a maid to help.
but be close to your dils.
Make your stand such that you are independant, but you need their love and will give them love in return too.
call for a house meeting if you think that can clear things up..
i agree with one of the posters that some kind words from my MIL and i am ready to forget all sins. but probably not in this lifetime..
good luck!
a friend replied. Hi AugustWed,
I can very well understand your situation. As one of my friend is having the same problem like yours. I really feel sorry for her and I am not able to decide whether to call my in-laws for my delivery just by observing her situation. Its so sad for women who work and their MILs don't give them any improtance and rather show that without her the dil could not survive. I just hate it and I really feel bad for your situation...
Just wait till they leave and you can enjoy life with you baby.
Good luck!
augustborn replied. Dear Mrs Sharma
Tears came to my eyes when I read your story. Your DIL's are so lucky to have a MIL like you but just look at their bad luck - they dont realise it!
As a mother it must be very painful for you to go through this feeling of neglect and badmouthing.
1. Now that the property is already divided, why should you oblige your DILs to keep their stuff in your part of the property. They surely dont deserve this consideration from you!
2. Remember, its your house and you did a favour to them by giving them a part of it. Please dont get emotional about them(though I know it would be difficult). You are neither dependent on them financially or otherwise. You have a maid who cooks and cleans for you. There is absolutely nothing for which you are obliged to them.
3. Enjoy your time with your friends and relatives. You are a highly educated woman who has had the misfortune of being in the company of such petty and mean women. Just ignore them and their remarks, they are not worth your notice. Whenever they make such nasty comments, tell them politely to not interfere in your life. Infact, treat them as bad neighbours.
4. You have a right to live your life as you wish, dont let these women bring your spirit down.
I dont know what to say, how to console you...Just try to be happy and Cheer up.
Nina replied. USA mein doctor advise karthe hain ke agar koi bhi bath aapko gussa de or resentment create kare tho avoid it . otherwise it will effect your physical and mental health .
Aap baithkar socheye ki kaun si bathein make you upset and kaun log hain who make you angry and then khudh un cheeso kho ignore kariye or avoid kariyeh . Aap ki health in sabh choti bari bathon se upar hai .
Accha hai ki aapko apne DIL's ke barein mein sabh pata hai kuch chupa tho nahin hai phir aap kyon SAD hain .
Strong Baniyee .
AApne environment kho improve karien .
MAID SERVANT for cooking ,
MALISH also keep another maid ,
TUTION for money or free karein , KITTY PARTY mein jaye ,
KIRTAN PARTY join karein,
TEMPLE VISIT ,
library ka patha karein .
DIL's se room khali karakar chahain tho working girl rakh lein but keep money with you . She will give you company also .
Wear Good clothes buy nice things to make you happy .
Keep potted plants in the house .Flowers make home beautiful and mind too .
Suscribe to good magazines .
Join some Yoga to find relief for your pain .
Why are you leaving any money for Children spend it on yourself ?
Send a clear message to DIL's you are not going to tolerate any nonsense . Be strong and take charge of situation . You are elder with lots of experience take complete control of your life . Only then anyone will respect you .
BE MORE INDEPENDENT by keeping maid , make own programmes .
REMAIN HAPPY and HEALTHY .
You know it is said
\";There are no victims only volunteers\"; .
Nina replied. USA mein doctor advise karthe hain ke agar koi bhi bath aapko gussa de or resentment create kare tho avoid it . otherwise it will effect your physical and mental health .
Aap baithkar socheye ki kaun si bathein make you upset and kaun log hain who make you angry and then khudh un cheeso kho ignore kariye or avoid kariyeh . Aap ki health in sabh choti bari bathon se upar hai .
Accha hai ki aapko apne DIL's ke barein mein sabh pata hai kuch chupa tho nahin hai phir aap kyon SAD hain .
Strong Baniyee .
AApne environment kho improve karien .
MAID SERVANT for cooking ,
MALISH also keep another maid ,
TUTION for money or free karein , KITTY PARTY mein jaye ,
KIRTAN PARTY join karein,
TEMPLE VISIT ,
library ka patha karein .
DIL's se room khali karakar chahain tho working girl rakh lein but keep money with you . She will give you company also .
Wear Good clothes buy nice things to make you happy .
Keep potted plants in the house .Flowers make home beautiful and mind too .
Suscribe to good magazines .
Join some Yoga to find relief for your pain .
Why are you leaving any money for Children spend it on yourself ?
Send a clear message to DIL's you are not going to tolerate any nonsense . Be strong and take charge of situation . You are elder with lots of experience take complete control of your life . Only then anyone will respect you .
BE MORE INDEPENDENT by keeping maid , make own programmes .
REMAIN HAPPY and HEALTHY .
You know it is said
\";There are no victims only volunteers\"; .
Sk replied. Hi Mrs Sharma,
I WAS MOVED BY YOUR PLIGHT. Given your age,I know you don't need my advise ,but i 'll just mention these ideas.Since you are a professor,is it possible for you take tuitions twice or thrice a week. This way you have some company from outside. Mrs Sharma ,start your own club of friends who are retired like you and have some free time on their hands. If your health permits ,start some volunteering work like the NGOS in India. Don't depend on your DILS for anything.
I live in the US and my neighbour is a 66 year old american woman who lives alone.She does everything(driving,grocery,laundry,cleaning her car when it snows) by herself. I really admire her. Her family visits her very rarely. But she has no complaints. My other neighbour and i help her sometimes. So you see Mrs Sharma,neighbours and friends can be more reliable than ones own relatives. Just start looking for stuff to do to keep you occupied the whole day. I assure you that you will never feel lonely again.
AugustWed replied. Mrs. Sharma,
I hope you will feel free to write on this board and share your thoughts/troubles/feelings. We all are here to support you and bring a smile on your face :) :) :)
Feb Born replied. I am so moved by stories here..Mrs Sharma, please tke care of yourself and please hire a maid as you can afford. Don't listen to your DILs about spending money on servant. Also please share this with your bhabhi as she is also going thru the same. You two can pass time togther as you have an extra room.
Are there any senior citizen clubs/groups/temples etc where you can go and have talk with some friends?
Please don't be awake till late and take care of health because your health will be the most imp thing to face the bad nature of ur DILs.
Also Devyani, I salute you for fulfilling your duties..
We forget that when we were small our mothers took so much pain and did so much for us and when she needs us we treat her as \";burden/bojh\";
I wish all DILs could be like you and all MIls could be like uor MIL.
Devyani replied. Hello Mrs Sharma,
I totally understand what you are going thru. Actually my mother in law also faces the same problem with her 2 daughter in laws in Kota, Rajashtan.
My name is Devyani and I am the youngest DIl in my family. I live in US with my husband and my mom in law and 2 elder sons and DIls live in Kota. They are into automotive business together. My FIL is no more (He died even before my marriage)and my MIL who also used to be a teacher in a reputed public school of Kota. Now she is retired and stay with my bhabhis. Both my Bhabhis are so selfish, they can't take care of anybody except themslves. I came to US 2 yrs ago just 10 days after my marriage . So I didn't see their behaviour at that time but when I went to Kota after a year I saw they were so rude and selfish and didn't at all respect my MIL.I am not praising myself or something, but I was hurt and if I said something in her favor they used to label me \";chamchi\"; and that I dodn't live in kota so I am saying all this. they taunted me ki saath mein rehna pade to pata chale. even My husband was teased ki bahiyon ke ooopar bojh daal kar US chala gaya hai..(jabki my BIls have such a florishing business and they have parties and drink with their friends so frequently) SO we decided to bring my MIL to US for some time. She applied for VISa but her bad luck her VISA was rejected. She reapplied and got it. Next year when we gain went, June 2004, she came to US with us. As I am not working, we had great time. I was surprized how funny, jovile and child like my MIL is..She is so young at heart and her eng is very good, so she used to enjoy all funny shows like verybody loves raymond, friends etc eith me. We had such good time. She never imposed anything on me..I used to wear what I like, and do whatever i want.I lost my mom when i was in college so after a long time i feel that I am with a mother fighure! But she got VISA on port of entry for only 6 months. Though she has 10 yr multiple entry VISA, but they say if u extend it, it is very diificult to come very soon again as port of entry they may question ur intesnions and may not give 6 months visa again. and if extension is denied , 10 yrs multiple entry visa is void. So even we didn't want her to go, neither did she, but she had to go back. Now she had written to me that her both DIls are not spekaing to her and saying ki chhoti bahu ne dimag phira diya hai unka aur chhoti bahu beta sirf unki pension aur property ke liye unki chamchagiri kar rahe hain..I felt so bad that I cried whole day..My husband is on H1 but earning good salary..we own a house here and GC is in progress..We have no plans to settle in india and not at all want to steal their 3500 Rupess(!) per month pension..It makes me sad that inspite of being such a nobel woman she has to suffer so much mental trauma..
So Mrs Sharma, if it makes you feel better, you are not alone..Actually like seedhi saadi DIls, Seedhi saadi MIls ale face problme. I tell my MIL to be strong and to be bossy sometimes but she is so sweet and kind that she toletartes every bull sh** from my SILs.
I read the forum and experiences of other DILs and I wish they were my SIls and my MIL was thier MIl too..
Mrs sharma, i am a regular reader of this site and if it makes you feel better, u can write to this forum, I am sure all DIls wil be happy to give their emotional support to you.
We are again trying to bring my MIL in March/April..I so much miss her..
AugustWed replied. Dear Mrs. Sharma,
I am a regular reader of this board but never write anything. But aapki kahani sunke to dil ro uthta hai! (pardon my hindi if it's wrong). I feel for all the DILs on this board who are suffering and are very unhappy in their relationships with ILs or husband. I too am a DIL and I live with my ILs day in and out (in US). I have to sacrifice a lot in life but I try to make a peace from within (this board helps a lot).
After reading your story, it seems like life has been very unfair to you. Specially when you are physically not well and needs help from sons at this age now. Why don't you talk to your sons alone and clamly try to explain your concerns. If they don't help you, than at least they should leave you alone as you are not dependant on them (financially at least). Why don't you tell your bahus ki - woh khud kyo aapne bachho ke liye paisa nahi jama karti. At least you did your duties and educated your sons (only to see them torture at this age now!). So it is not their duty to raise and educate their own kids. What an uncapable DILs you have - can't even raise and take care of their own kids (financially).
Just to try to help you a bit... please ignore your DILs remarks and try to live your life peacefully. I know it must be very hard for you but I have not seen this kind of situation before so I don't have any input or advise for you. But I just want you to know that I read your store and understand what you mean. I will pray for you and your happiness. You are very lucky to have your grandkids so close to you - but only to have such a DILs! Life is unfair from all directions...
Keep writing and pour your heart out - it helps.
2005-02-04
#1
Name: cd Subject: wow!!
there is this side of the coin too!
Make the dils vacate your third bedroom, give that room on rent. you'll have some company and some extra money too.
as long as you are not asking them for any help (financially or otherwise) they cannot too. tell them, since you have seperated. you can lead your independant lives.
Be strongly independant. Donot ask them to cook food for you or any help. Rent your room, keep a maid to help.
but be close to your dils.
Make your stand such that you are independant, but you need their love and will give them love in return too.
call for a house meeting if you think that can clear things up..
i agree with one of the posters that some kind words from my MIL and i am ready to forget all sins. but probably not in this lifetime..
good luck!
2005-02-04
#2
Name: a friend Subject: hi
Hi AugustWed,
I can very well understand your situation. As one of my friend is having the same problem like yours. I really feel sorry for her and I am not able to decide whether to call my in-laws for my delivery just by observing her situation. Its so sad for women who work and their MILs don't give them any improtance and rather show that without her the dil could not survive. I just hate it and I really feel bad for your situation...
Just wait till they leave and you can enjoy life with you baby.
Good luck!
2005-02-04
#3
Name: ABC Subject: DONT CALL MIL
Hi ! I made the mistake of calling MIL for my delivery . Oh Gosh it was horrible horrible very sad time . She has scarred me for life so has her son ie my husband . They gave me hell when I was most vunerable and recovering .
Please DO NOT make this mistake .
2005-02-04
#4
Name: AugustWed Subject: DON'T DO IT
Hi a friend,
If you can do it by yourself, or with your husband's help, or with a friend or your MOM, DO NOT call your MIL. Is this your first delivery? If yes, please don't call your MIL. Trust me, and I have seen so many of my friends in the same situations... trust me, no matter how nice of a MIL you have, it is not your MOM and you will not feel as comfortable as you would with your MOM or your husband. Plus, it is hard for MIL to understand you completely - no matter how much she try (if she tries at all!) MIL will take care of the baby but you will need to be taken care of too after delivery. It is very tiring and you just don't feel as comfortable with relaxing, taking daytime naps and just taking it easy when you have ILs around!
And by the way, I do not see an end to my situation as they are here to stay for good. FIL retired and now they moved here for good :(
This board is my only hope to bring a smile on my face and to have faith!
2005-02-03
#5
Name: augustborn Subject: May God Bless you!
Dear Mrs Sharma
Tears came to my eyes when I read your story. Your DIL's are so lucky to have a MIL like you but just look at their bad luck - they dont realise it!
As a mother it must be very painful for you to go through this feeling of neglect and badmouthing.
1. Now that the property is already divided, why should you oblige your DILs to keep their stuff in your part of the property. They surely dont deserve this consideration from you!
2. Remember, its your house and you did a favour to them by giving them a part of it. Please dont get emotional about them(though I know it would be difficult). You are neither dependent on them financially or otherwise. You have a maid who cooks and cleans for you. There is absolutely nothing for which you are obliged to them.
3. Enjoy your time with your friends and relatives. You are a highly educated woman who has had the misfortune of being in the company of such petty and mean women. Just ignore them and their remarks, they are not worth your notice. Whenever they make such nasty comments, tell them politely to not interfere in your life. Infact, treat them as bad neighbours.
4. You have a right to live your life as you wish, dont let these women bring your spirit down.
I dont know what to say, how to console you...Just try to be happy and Cheer up.
2005-02-03
#6
Name: Nina Subject: Mrs Sharma aap strong baniye
USA mein doctor advise karthe hain ke agar koi bhi bath aapko gussa de or resentment create kare tho avoid it . otherwise it will effect your physical and mental health .
Aap baithkar socheye ki kaun si bathein make you upset and kaun log hain who make you angry and then khudh un cheeso kho ignore kariye or avoid kariyeh . Aap ki health in sabh choti bari bathon se upar hai .
Accha hai ki aapko apne DIL's ke barein mein sabh pata hai kuch chupa tho nahin hai phir aap kyon SAD hain .
Strong Baniyee .
AApne environment kho improve karien .
MAID SERVANT for cooking ,
MALISH also keep another maid ,
TUTION for money or free karein , KITTY PARTY mein jaye ,
KIRTAN PARTY join karein,
TEMPLE VISIT ,
library ka patha karein .
DIL's se room khali karakar chahain tho working girl rakh lein but keep money with you . She will give you company also .
Wear Good clothes buy nice things to make you happy .
Keep potted plants in the house .Flowers make home beautiful and mind too .
Suscribe to good magazines .
Join some Yoga to find relief for your pain .
Why are you leaving any money for Children spend it on yourself ?
Send a clear message to DIL's you are not going to tolerate any nonsense . Be strong and take charge of situation . You are elder with lots of experience take complete control of your life . Only then anyone will respect you .
BE MORE INDEPENDENT by keeping maid , make own programmes .
REMAIN HAPPY and HEALTHY .
You know it is said
\";There are no victims only volunteers\"; .
2005-02-03
#7
Name: Nina Subject: Mrs Sharma aap strong baniye
USA mein doctor advise karthe hain ke agar koi bhi bath aapko gussa de or resentment create kare tho avoid it . otherwise it will effect your physical and mental health .
Aap baithkar socheye ki kaun si bathein make you upset and kaun log hain who make you angry and then khudh un cheeso kho ignore kariye or avoid kariyeh . Aap ki health in sabh choti bari bathon se upar hai .
Accha hai ki aapko apne DIL's ke barein mein sabh pata hai kuch chupa tho nahin hai phir aap kyon SAD hain .
Strong Baniyee .
AApne environment kho improve karien .
MAID SERVANT for cooking ,
MALISH also keep another maid ,
TUTION for money or free karein , KITTY PARTY mein jaye ,
KIRTAN PARTY join karein,
TEMPLE VISIT ,
library ka patha karein .
DIL's se room khali karakar chahain tho working girl rakh lein but keep money with you . She will give you company also .
Wear Good clothes buy nice things to make you happy .
Keep potted plants in the house .Flowers make home beautiful and mind too .
Suscribe to good magazines .
Join some Yoga to find relief for your pain .
Why are you leaving any money for Children spend it on yourself ?
Send a clear message to DIL's you are not going to tolerate any nonsense . Be strong and take charge of situation . You are elder with lots of experience take complete control of your life . Only then anyone will respect you .
BE MORE INDEPENDENT by keeping maid , make own programmes .
REMAIN HAPPY and HEALTHY .
You know it is said
\";There are no victims only volunteers\"; .
2005-02-03
#8
Name: Sk Subject: Start a network of your own friends
Hi Mrs Sharma,
I WAS MOVED BY YOUR PLIGHT. Given your age,I know you don't need my advise ,but i 'll just mention these ideas.Since you are a professor,is it possible for you take tuitions twice or thrice a week. This way you have some company from outside. Mrs Sharma ,start your own club of friends who are retired like you and have some free time on their hands. If your health permits ,start some volunteering work like the NGOS in India. Don't depend on your DILS for anything.
I live in the US and my neighbour is a 66 year old american woman who lives alone.She does everything(driving,grocery,laundry,cleaning her car when it snows) by herself. I really admire her. Her family visits her very rarely. But she has no complaints. My other neighbour and i help her sometimes. So you see Mrs Sharma,neighbours and friends can be more reliable than ones own relatives. Just start looking for stuff to do to keep you occupied the whole day. I assure you that you will never feel lonely again.
2005-02-03
#9
Name: AugustWed Subject: one more thing
Mrs. Sharma,
I hope you will feel free to write on this board and share your thoughts/troubles/feelings. We all are here to support you and bring a smile on your face :) :) :)
2005-02-03
#10
Name: Feb Born Subject: hello..
I am so moved by stories here..Mrs Sharma, please tke care of yourself and please hire a maid as you can afford. Don't listen to your DILs about spending money on servant. Also please share this with your bhabhi as she is also going thru the same. You two can pass time togther as you have an extra room.
Are there any senior citizen clubs/groups/temples etc where you can go and have talk with some friends?
Please don't be awake till late and take care of health because your health will be the most imp thing to face the bad nature of ur DILs.
Also Devyani, I salute you for fulfilling your duties..
We forget that when we were small our mothers took so much pain and did so much for us and when she needs us we treat her as \";burden/bojh\";
I wish all DILs could be like you and all MIls could be like uor MIL.
2005-02-03
#11
Name: Devyani Subject: Hello Mrs Sharma,
Hello Mrs Sharma,
I totally understand what you are going thru. Actually my mother in law also faces the same problem with her 2 daughter in laws in Kota, Rajashtan.
My name is Devyani and I am the youngest DIl in my family. I live in US with my husband and my mom in law and 2 elder sons and DIls live in Kota. They are into automotive business together. My FIL is no more (He died even before my marriage)and my MIL who also used to be a teacher in a reputed public school of Kota. Now she is retired and stay with my bhabhis. Both my Bhabhis are so selfish, they can't take care of anybody except themslves. I came to US 2 yrs ago just 10 days after my marriage . So I didn't see their behaviour at that time but when I went to Kota after a year I saw they were so rude and selfish and didn't at all respect my MIL.I am not praising myself or something, but I was hurt and if I said something in her favor they used to label me \";chamchi\"; and that I dodn't live in kota so I am saying all this. they taunted me ki saath mein rehna pade to pata chale. even My husband was teased ki bahiyon ke ooopar bojh daal kar US chala gaya hai..(jabki my BIls have such a florishing business and they have parties and drink with their friends so frequently) SO we decided to bring my MIL to US for some time. She applied for VISa but her bad luck her VISA was rejected. She reapplied and got it. Next year when we gain went, June 2004, she came to US with us. As I am not working, we had great time. I was surprized how funny, jovile and child like my MIL is..She is so young at heart and her eng is very good, so she used to enjoy all funny shows like verybody loves raymond, friends etc eith me. We had such good time. She never imposed anything on me..I used to wear what I like, and do whatever i want.I lost my mom when i was in college so after a long time i feel that I am with a mother fighure! But she got VISA on port of entry for only 6 months. Though she has 10 yr multiple entry VISA, but they say if u extend it, it is very diificult to come very soon again as port of entry they may question ur intesnions and may not give 6 months visa again. and if extension is denied , 10 yrs multiple entry visa is void. So even we didn't want her to go, neither did she, but she had to go back. Now she had written to me that her both DIls are not spekaing to her and saying ki chhoti bahu ne dimag phira diya hai unka aur chhoti bahu beta sirf unki pension aur property ke liye unki chamchagiri kar rahe hain..I felt so bad that I cried whole day..My husband is on H1 but earning good salary..we own a house here and GC is in progress..We have no plans to settle in india and not at all want to steal their 3500 Rupess(!) per month pension..It makes me sad that inspite of being such a nobel woman she has to suffer so much mental trauma..
So Mrs Sharma, if it makes you feel better, you are not alone..Actually like seedhi saadi DIls, Seedhi saadi MIls ale face problme. I tell my MIL to be strong and to be bossy sometimes but she is so sweet and kind that she toletartes every bull sh** from my SILs.
I read the forum and experiences of other DILs and I wish they were my SIls and my MIL was thier MIl too..
Mrs sharma, i am a regular reader of this site and if it makes you feel better, u can write to this forum, I am sure all DIls wil be happy to give their emotional support to you.
We are again trying to bring my MIL in March/April..I so much miss her..
2005-02-03
#12
Name: AugustWed Subject: good for you
Hi Devyani,
You are very very lucky and your MIL is also very lucky to have at least one very good and understanding DIL. Hope you don't take it for granted as all of us are not so lucky. I live with my ILs and I KNOW how difficult it is - especially in this country and this day and age. My ILs are still young and don't need help from us. We are ready to support them financially if they live on their own. But FIL has no guts to live on their own and MIL enjoys bossing us around. So we have no escape... and this whole situation makes us all unhappy and creates drama day in and out. I hope this will end soon (one can only hope).
I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a very good thing but taking care of GOOD MIL. and I hope she realizes that too.
Keep writing....
2005-02-03
#13
Name: AugustWed Subject: so sorry
Dear Mrs. Sharma,
I am a regular reader of this board but never write anything. But aapki kahani sunke to dil ro uthta hai! (pardon my hindi if it's wrong). I feel for all the DILs on this board who are suffering and are very unhappy in their relationships with ILs or husband. I too am a DIL and I live with my ILs day in and out (in US). I have to sacrifice a lot in life but I try to make a peace from within (this board helps a lot).
After reading your story, it seems like life has been very unfair to you. Specially when you are physically not well and needs help from sons at this age now. Why don't you talk to your sons alone and clamly try to explain your concerns. If they don't help you, than at least they should leave you alone as you are not dependant on them (financially at least). Why don't you tell your bahus ki - woh khud kyo aapne bachho ke liye paisa nahi jama karti. At least you did your duties and educated your sons (only to see them torture at this age now!). So it is not their duty to raise and educate their own kids. What an uncapable DILs you have - can't even raise and take care of their own kids (financially).
Just to try to help you a bit... please ignore your DILs remarks and try to live your life peacefully. I know it must be very hard for you but I have not seen this kind of situation before so I don't have any input or advise for you. But I just want you to know that I read your store and understand what you mean. I will pray for you and your happiness. You are very lucky to have your grandkids so close to you - but only to have such a DILs! Life is unfair from all directions...
Keep writing and pour your heart out - it helps.
2005-02-04
#14
Name: AugustWed Subject: Thanks Devyani
Thanks Devyani for your comment and wishes. Yes, I am in US and I do work full-time. But we do not have any privacy after coming home or during the weekends. I have a small child that I take care of and enjoy doing so after I go home. I had to fight so hard with MIL to let me at least take charge of my kid during the evenings and weekends. She still butts in to our business when I am doing things with my baby. I guess it will be hard to ignore her when we all live under one roof! The only solution is to have them moved out to their own place... but it is not possible in foreseeable future. They get bored here but do not want to go back to India - I guess they enjoy bossing us around and running our lives and driving us crazy!
MIL also thinks that she is doing us a HUGE favor by taking care of our kid - but believe me, I rather hire a babysitter or put the kid in a day care... so many of the kids are raised in daycare here... and mine will too! But I just can't seem to get that message thru her head and tell her to butt off!!
2005-02-03
#15
Name: Devyani Subject: Hi AugustWed
Hi August Wed,
Thnaks for ur wishes. I wish your ILs also understand that bossing around is not a way to treat thier DIL.
If you are in US, why don't you join library/hobby class etc so that you can have some time alone ..are you working?
All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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& Answers to Topic : Meri Kahaani
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Meri Kahaani
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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No need to go anywhere else.
I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
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RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
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RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
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wow!!
hi
Name: ABC
DONT CALL MIL
May God Bless you!
hello..
good for you
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