Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi !
Whenever my Husband talks to my MIL on Phone she asks him so many questions like he is a school boy - what are you today for lunch and dinner, what are you doing now? so many questions about me and my kid too and My Husband answers everything like a baby ..... its so irritating and frustrating .

Then comes the guilt trip questions ? When will you come ? I cry seeing your picture everyday . How do I explain to him that he needs to act like an adult ?
He has been told that wife's are not supposed to say anything about the mother's so then If I try to talk some sense in him .... he just yells at me and gets angry saying i am trying to distance him from his mother .
What should I do ? Please advise . P replied. Hey there,

I don't understand why do you have a problem with your husband talking to HIS mom the way he does!
Just leave him alone....did he ever set norms for you to how to speak with your parets?
Don't listen to the conversation,,,,keep yourself busy and simply ignore! U will be happier!
best of luck! another DIL replied. Dear \";for help\";,
On your last comment about being far away...thats what I am talking about. Whether they are physically around you or not, you need to feel cozy (not just comfortable) in your own shoes. Do your own thing, again \";be yourself\";. So what if she is going to supervise you. If she doesn't like your way, then ask her to do it (in a nice way) thats all. Or if she is being too adamant about things, then just don't respond. You know most of the time we all suffer becoz this in-law problem is more of a mental problem than anything else. Thats why we are complaining (which includes me) even when the in-laws are not around. We are speculating too much. And we are rerunning the \";dreadful in-laws\"; tape over n over in our minds. another DIL replied. Hi All,
I think we give way too much importance to our in-laws. Like some of you have said, \";just be yourself\";. Its too bad for the MIL if she judges you. Be the better person & ignore it. Sometimes I too get so mad that I want to bite her head off. But that would mean I am no different than her. Be rock solid in your philosophy about living your life. Everybody else can take a hike. Be cheerful & brush these things aside. Go DILS !! S replied. hello
I am in a similar situation my marriage. every week when my husband chats or talks over phone the questions are the same as u have mentioned. initially it used to itrritate me 'cause i felt they were trying to ensure that their son is being well fed and well treated. but then as time passed i ignored it. i never stay in the same room when they have a talk and unless he calls me to talk to his parents i do not even listen to the conversation as i know its gonna be the same ques. I used to wonder i too was a pet in my house how come my parents hardly ask me what i cook and if i am eating right or if i am being taken care of? but then i realised too that they are supremely confident of me and my abilities. thay are sure that i can take care of both myslef and another person without a problem. this insight made me feel far better.
recently we went on a trip for a few days to a nearby country. my parents called up before the trip and told both of us to be careful and to go everywhere jointly (meaning dont leave one person alone and go to buy something etc., to be careful in crowded places). and i had told my parents beforehand that i will call them after reaching my resident country and that i will call only if it is convenient for us my husband during the trip used to tease me all the time abt it my parents \";advice\";. but his parents call came to my aid. while my parents were being practical in giving suggestions, his parenst were asking him whether he had eaten food on time, and that he shud call everyday of the trip to say we were safe and that if we slept well, what time we will return!!! so that gave me the edge! the next time he teased me abt my parents suggestion, i pointed out to him that it was much better than asking him if he had rice / bread for lunch!!!! that shut him up effectively and made him understand the absurdity of his parents questions. the next day when his parents called again he told them that we were fine and that he will call them after coming back to our resident country!!!!
so ladies, relax, and learn to ignore. u are what u are, be like the skin, take in only what is required or useful for u, ignore the rest. i agree with others on the post, these are trifle things that really shud'nt affect u. a dil replied. Guess what dear- my hubby talks to his mom daily ,one hr in the morning and one in the evening !!!! Can you imagine my situation?? I just don't understand howcome they don't get bored by talking on the same issues?? If it was just a casual talk, I wouldn't have bothered- but I know for sure that my MIL gives my hubby a long lecture on how I should behave, how I should do a certain thing and blah blah. I also feel irritated and frustrated , but I am helpless. She wants to know everything- like what I buy, where I go, who my friends are , what we talk about etc etc. It is really irritating. If we( I and my hubby) go on a holiday, she would want to know every lil detail- like what time we started, where we stayed, what we ate, what we saw etc etc. Oh God - I really don't know what to do.

And you are right- why these questions come from in-laws? My parents never ask such things, nor do they have any interest in knowing every lil thing about our life.

I agree with Saheli's view-point that parents and kids share a special bond. I also admit that since we are in US , so it is natural for our hubby's parents to miss them, BUT DEAR, that doesn't mean that one should start interfering in your own son's married life. We are also very far from our parents- so our parents should start interfering also? Will our husbands like it ? No, I am sure, they would not. I agree that sometimes it is a simple converstaion but by giving them every lil detail , they start asking so many questions and that sucks. It feels like that we DILs have no life , no priorties , no choices of our own. It is true that we are so far that what our in-laws can do just by talking, but sometimes this simple talk can lead to a big fight between a husband and a wife. And moreover, when they interrogate you like a police officer about every lil detail, you should not get irritated and you have to answer their questions very politely and calmly, even though you are tired of telling them the same thing for years.

So dear, learn to ignore such things. I know it is hard, but there isn't any other option. You can't change it overnight. Just hope that these things may slow down with the time.

Keep yourself busy.

help replied. Hi ! Thanks for your advise . Though I wonder really why is it that my parents dont need to ask such immature questions to know about my well being and dont send me on a guilt trip ?? Why does this problem lie with his mother only ? I know she likes to control and manipulate thats why it bothers me more .
What do you say ?
another DIL replied. I think you need to relax a bit about this whole situation. My hubby talks to his mom for an hour or more every week. They talk about all sorts of things. Including instructions for me on what I should do & how I should be trained. But my hubby filters it out for me (i know this coz I heard it only when I am sitting close to him). Heres the way I look at it. They (in-laws) are so far away from their kid. Must be heart breaking for them. The only way we can keep in touch with our folks is through phone. Leave their conversations to them. Don't interfere too much & don't be too judgemental. Don't feel insecure when they talk. If you are comfortable with your own personality nothing will bother you. Try n be a happy person & let go. What you guys (hubby n you) do when hes not on the phone with MIL is more important than his time away (even emotionally) from you. Get the chip off your shoulder dear. for_help replied. Or could be since your husband talks with his mother every week, there might not be any important topic to discuss, and she might be simply asking these questions to keep the discussion alive. Sometimes you dont know what to talk and ask silly questions. So i think these sort of questions are okay. But not such talk like \";Dont allow her to spend so much. Does she look after you well. Does she send money to her parents, does she try to dominate you\"; etc etc are really annoying. saheli replied. Dear friend,

I understand what you are trying to say. I feel the same sometimes. I feel that they should not intrude in our life. They need not know all the small details of our life. But in othertimes, i calmly think about it.This is a MOTHER who is concerned about her son. For her ,her grownup son will always be a child.

I have been married for 12 years and have a child of my own. Though now he is a school going kid i and my husband even to this day sometimes treat him like a baby. I worry about him day and night. When he falls sick,i literally go mad. I can't eat or drink till he is OK. It is just because of the bond between me and him.

When i got married and was to leave India, my MIL came to me and there were tears in her eyes and she told me to PLEASE take care of her son. She toldme that he has had a hard life. At that moment,i felt very confused and little irritated that she was doubting me. But today that I am MOM ,i understand the feeling of having to let go of someone who is so precious to you. In her case,she took care of him for almost 27 years and now suddenly,he will no longer need her. This is very hard transition. I know a day will come in my life too,where i have to let go of my child. But does that i have no right to even make a simple conversation with him...

So dear friend,if your MIL asks your husband something,let him do the answering. She is not asking you. I am sure she means well. About the part of when you going/visiting back home,is very tough. This i think if explained in a nice way can be easily tackled . I think this question is asked by most MOMS when they hear their kids voice. So,the question is just for the moment. After all most of the MOMS want their children to be HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL in life. But if it does bother you that she keeps asking the same thing every week, you can politely tell her how it makes you feel. Either way don't generate hard feelings for her. As long as she is not coming between you and your husband and not giving YOU any unsolicited advise, you should be OK. a friend replied. Hi,
I can understand what you are going through. Its like this with all. All MILs are like this. They will ask each and every question to their sons. And thier sons will answer them just like a small baby. It frustrates me too. But there's no solution other than keeping quite.
Yeah, I also run into these guilt trip questions every time I speak to my MIL. But I have not yet found any solution for this too.
And if you \";try to talk some sense in him\"; it is obvious that he will yell back. So better not do that either.
The best thing to do is listen from one ear and let it go out with other. Just don't bother yourself with all this. You have your kid to worry about and other things in life than to worry about what your MIL said. Its same old DIL-MIL story and no one can help it.
Good luck!