Parents of Preschoolers  Discussion Forum

Is it wrong for a parent to tell their child who is getting bullied at school to go and tell the teacher on them, and am I teaching my child to tattle-tell rather than deal with it, if so, why? Swapna replied. Sally isn?t a child. Sally is an adult. She works in an office building along with hundreds of other people. One day she does something to upset a co-worker. The specifics aren?t important. It?s suffice to say that she spoke without thinking, and inadvertantly made this co-worker look bad in front of his boss. Sally tried to apologise, but her social skills have never been particularly good, and in the process of saying she?s sorry, she somehow manages to insult the co-worker. (eg: ?I?m really sorry. I didn?t mean to embarass you. I didn?t realise that you?re not expected to have the same level of skill as the other people in the department. I won?t say anything next time.?) This co-worker ? let?s call him Bill ? gets angry. And when he misses out on a promotion the following month, he remembers Sally?s comments and gets even angrier. Bill takes to hanging out near Sally?s desk and bad-mouthing her. He spreads rumours that she?s applying for jobs outside the company. When that doesn?t seem to have an effect, he logs into her computer and deletes some important files the day before an important presentation. Sally does her best to ignore his behaviour. She feels like she deserves it ? after all, it was her comment that started all this. She doesn?t say anything to her boss. She smiles at Bill when she sees him, and tries to be polite. But when she gets home, she cries herself to sleep. She starts drinking ? just a couple of drinks at night to take the edge off. She?d like to look for another job, but she?s worried that would look like she?s running away. And she doesn?t want to be a quitter. The following month, Sally is named Employee of the Month. There?s a big party in the office, and a cake in her honour. For the first time in months, Sally feels like maybe everything will be okay. When she walks to her car that night, Bill is waiting for her. He?s there with a few of his friends. They?ve keyed her car. They?re all drunk. They start talking about the things they?d like to do to her. Here?s my question: Would you tell Sally to tell the police what?s going on? Or would that only encourage her to tattle-tell rather than deal with it herself? Adults tell on bullies. At least, intelligent and socially-aware adults do. A person (or group) who decides they should ?deal with it themselves? rather than using the mechanisms of society we?ve developed to deal with antisocial behaviour are called ?vigilantes?. While vigilantism isn?t technically illegal, most actions of vigilantes are. So we, as law-abiding citizens, tell on bullies. We have whole industries set up to support tattle-telling, from police to the justice system. Someone robbed your house? Tell on them. Someone beat you up? Tell on them. Someone harassed and bullied you for months, threatened physical attack, and damaged your health and wellbeing? Tell on them. Adults tell on people. Why should the rules be different for children? I get that no one wants to raise kids who whine and complain and can?t stand on their own two feet. I also get that parents want to encourage independence, problem-solving, and resiliance. But why does that mean we should remove a valid tool from their toolkit? Here?s the three*-step process I?ve taught my children: When someone is doing something you don?t like, or that makes you uncomfortable, you follow these steps. (Whether it?s a friend, a family member, or a stranger.) Use your words. Sometimes people don?t know that what they?re doing is upsetting you. Use your words to tell them. Say, ?Stop. I don?t like that.? or ?No!? Obviously this doesn?t stop true bullies, but it usually works for friends or random kids at the playground. Walk away. If possible, move to a different place to play. If you can?t physically move away, stop interacting with the person. This isn?t the same as ignoring bullies until they go away, it?s drawing a line in the sand. ?I don?t like the way you?re treating me, so I won?t stay and allow you to treat me this way.? Tell an Authority Figure If you?ve done the first two steps and the person has followed you or sought you out, then find an authority figure and tell them what?s going on. If you?re at home, then tell me. If you?re at school, tell the teacher. If you?re at a friend?s house, tell your friend?s parent. Make it clear that you?ve asked them to stop, you?ve tried to walk away, and the person/people have continued with their behaviour. When one of my children comes to ?tattle-tell? to me, there are several questions I ask: Did you use your words? If yes, I ask: Did you walk away? If yes, I ask: Do you need me to intervene? Do you want some advice? Or do you just want to tell me what?s happening? You would be amazed how often the answer to the last question is that they want some advice. Or, almost as often, they just want to keep me informed. (In this case, I simply thank them for telling me, and move on with my life.) This process isn?t foolproof. It doesn?t always work. But it gives children a framework they can follow, and a sense of confidence and safety. And, really, isn?t that the way we create independent, problem-solving, resilient kids? * I noted that this is a three-step process, but there is actually a step four. 4. Hit back. There are times when telling an authority figure simply doesn?t work. My son, for example, told his teacher about being bullied every single day for three months. I was down at his school every day for the last month of that. The school?s response was to encourage my son to understand that some children find it difficult to learn how to interact with other kids, and eventually these children would learn better. (When I pulled my son out of school at the end of the three months, he was suffering with PTSD and a general anxiety disorder. That?s when we started homeschooling.) When step three didn?t work, I told my son there was a step four. He could hit back. The idea of being physically violent horrified him, so I encouraged him to scream ?Fuck off!? into their faces as loud as he could. The knowledge that there was a fourth step did wonders for him ? not that he ever used it. To make a long story short (too late), the answer is no. No, it?s not wrong to tell a child who is being bullied that they should tell the teacher. In fact, it?s the socially conscious thing to do.