Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Mel and other readers,

From the many posts I read I found Mel very patient and mature to handle issues. Please help me too. I will be very graetfu.
My story goes like thi, married and I have one year old daughter. I am working and my inlwas have come over to take care of my baby. My MIL is just too possive abt my baby and she cannt bear me spending time with baby. She keeps on engaging me in things so that I am away from her. But for that I found a solution. I kept maid for almost every thing and dont do much but try to be with baby. But MIL now acts smart in front of hubby. Whenere he is around she will show him as if she is just dying for the baby and I am a culprit by ignoring her.

My DH always say thatlet her do what she wants to and you just keep mum. I cannot tolerate her at all. my inlwas are just too interfering.We do not have any space or any freedom in our relation neither as a wife nor as a mother. My husband just will not support me in front of them.MIL is so rigid that wil feed the baby with whatever doctor says \" NO\" . She just take as a prestige issue do not think of baby health.
I want to quit job and take care of my baby, but I know lil respect I have is all because I earn, If i stop that they will make my life hell.

Over the period of time my relation with DH has disturbed because of them.DH always say that is parents are above everything. I understand that parents are important but do men ignore wives? Just because he gives them more imortance so they feel on top and disrecpect me in every step. They always keep on taunting me even If I spend a day at my mother place with baby my MIL was start saying that I should not spend whole day with baby she will stop going nayone else.

My main consideration is to improve my relationship with DH, I want to make him realize that his parents are making me suffer so much, snatching away my right as a mother. And if they continue I will not be there when they will be very old. Mel replied. Read your post and I can understand your pain and frustration.

But, if you want to find a way out of this situation, then you have to be calm and patient. It will take a while to change the equation your husband has with you, plus a lot of effort, sweat and tears, but it will happen eventually.

Another thing to remember, is that... even if it subsides, and things improve, it will resurface every now and then. Handle it sensibly and all will be ok.

Now, the first part, your relationship with your BABY. I' m addressing this first as this is more important than your relationship with your HUBBY. It' s a fantastic step that you got a maid. And your MIL has the baby to herself the whole day. So, when you come back from work, don' t run and grab your daughter. Instead, sit with your ILs, speak to them for a few minutes (Let hubby witness this too)... then very sadly say that you miss your little girl so much when you work, and slowly take her into your arms. Keep sitting there itself, but talk and play with your daughter. After a while, take her and go about your regular routine. If MIL comes to take her, look at her very sweetly, and say very simply that you pine for her the whole day, so you would really love to spend some time with her. Smile and don' t pay any attention to your MIL. She can' t snatch the baby from you. So, as long as you are civil, and your husband sees the genuine desire to spend time with your daughter, he will not interfere. Second, if she insists on taking your daughter, then make it evident that you are hurting. Let them see the tears in your eyes, but remain quiet. It will be a persistent effort, but eventually your hubby will begin to think, that my poor wife is pining for her daughter, but my mum is just not parting with the baby.

When you start this, please STOP any and all complaints against your MIL to your hubby. Let him genuinely believe that you want to iron things out with the. In fact, mention this to him once or twice. That you care about them, and will always take care of them, whether he is around or not around. And that as a mother, even you pine to spend time with your little girl. That' s it. Leave it at that. Men work better when you give them an idea, and let them work it out in their own heads.

In front of hubby, be kind and respectful to your ILs. Remember, the more civil you are to them, the more respect he will have for you. And the more he will start thinking about your side of the story. As long as you attack your MIL, he will defend her, as he sees her as the suffering party.

This is your only weapon. YOU ARE THE SUFFERING PARTY. That is the only thing he should see. As long as you are nice to your ILs, his need to defend them will subside. Only then will he start seeing the real situation.

Secondly, about her opinions of your staying with your mum, JUST TURN A DEAF EAR. In fact, tell her... aap tho itne broad minded hai, I' m sure you don' t think like this. Smile and walk away before she can take the conversation further.

Focus on your daughter, don' t leave your job. And don' t spend the whole day being upset or thinking about all that MIL does to you. TUNE HER OUT OF YOUR MIND. REMOVE THOSE THOUGHTS. SHE IS NOT WORTH IT. Instead spend those moments thinking about how you can increase quality time with your child. Engage her in games, and nursery rhymes, teach her to hold your hand and dance, sing, speak, read books to her. Enjoy this stage of motherhood. Don' t let your MIL ruin it for you. No matter what, let your daughter enjoy her time spent with you.

All the best. And keep us posted.