Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Name: Mel

Hi Sudha. I read your messages in a couple of posts, and yes, I think I have mentioned that in one reply to someone else... if the husband is empathetic, then half the battle is won, but if the husband is aloof, then it is the worst possible situation for the wife.

I think our background is different. My husband and I met during graduation. We dated for 8 years before both our parents agreed to get us married (We are of different religions.) My MIL tried everything to get rid of me. Initially, my hubby used to believe her... and confront me, but since I was so young (I was 18 at the time), I was very calm and docile, so I used to explain things to him very simply and innocently, without getting angry or upset. First, he used to believe her, but slowly he started to realise that she was exaggerating here and there, and then over a period of time, it all became clear to him. I think my biggest help was that (unlike now), I was simple & innocent at that time, so it made him question the validity of what his mom used to say. At times I used to feel hurt that he even believed her, but I still maintained my calm. I think men are more reasonable and tend to listen to what we say, when we speak without too much of emotions. It' s the crying and yelling that makes them switch off.

Was yours an arranged marriage ? I' m asking you this because after being together for 13 years (married for 5), I once asked my husband how come he started seeing through her lies. He said that he could only do it since we knew each other for a long time and he understood my character. He knows that I don' t lie. But, he also said one more thing... HE SAID THAT IF HE HAD HAD AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE, HE WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BLINDLY BELIEVED HIS MOTHER. He said that in an arranged marriage, he wouldn' t have known the girl from earlier, so if his mother fabricated stories about her, he would have no reason to doubt his mother.

My ILs have done SO MANY horrible things to me and my hubby, I cannot tell you. They kicked us out when I was 8 months pregnant because she didn' t get her way with something silly. And my husband backed me, so both MIL and FIL asked us to leave. Hubby works 7 days a week, so I had to pack and shift the whole house by myself in that state. This is just one instance. Yet, despite it all, even though my husband knows that SHE LIES, yet he still is 100 dutiful. Sometimes, I feel so helpless, but I can' t change that part of his character. He wants to be a good son, even though they haven' t exactly been good parents. They just have to whisper a wish, and he will run out and fulfil it for them. He will not start saving for our 2 year old, but he will run out and buy them a 30000 bed if she says that her bed has become old.

I guess what I' m trying to say is that your hubby also doesn' t want to accept that his parents are wrong. He wants to do whatever is right in their eyes. That' s why he' s so worried about what they will think.

Frankly, if my husband didn' t come to see my kid for 2 years after he was born, I wouldn' t look at his face ever again. But, then that' s me. You seem to still have faith. If you really want it to work, then there is only one way I suppose.

Try and get your husband out of the house so that you both can get some time to talk without him feeling guilty and without ILs interrupting. Speak to him and tell him that you DO NOT want him to fight with his parents. That he is a good son, and that is something that is praiseworthy. Tell him that you also don' t have any intention of finding fault with your ILs. But, you want one thing from him... JUST one thing.... that he has 100 faith in you. Speak calmly and convincingly. Tell him that you did not say or do any of the things that your MIL said, but that you don' t want him to fight with her or make an issue out of it. Tell him that you just want him to be happy. But he should trust you. That if MIL says anything about you, he should clarify it with you (IN PRIVATE) and the matter ends there.

I know it' s tough, but men can be brought around. I believe that you have endured a lot for a long time just to make this marriage work. So, I hope your situation improves. All the best.

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