I am really concerned that our society is deteoriating at such a fast pace than the previous generation.The joint family concept will be history I guess in another decade or so unless we change our thinking.. The concept of MIL being the so called mother is going to be in history books :).. All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.sorry for my language..
why dont we think that there are 2 sides of coin? are all the MILs so bad?? I dont think so!!! are all DILs bad? I dont think so!!!
after all some day you are going to be a MIL and there might be a similiar reaction from your DILs..or is it generation gap?
folks it is time to do some introspection and change the course of life.. frictions happen everday .. On needs to understand the highest goal in life and forgot the rest.. rest is all noise.. my wife does not like my mother and I know there are issues with my mom, but some where I stand in as a wall & find a amiable solution. My request to you all is to have open conversations with your hubbies and find solutions to your problems before pointing figures to your MIL/BILs/FILS etc..Stand firm and confront when required..We need to understand the parents perspective and as to why they think that way.. is it our arranged marriage system? or is it just that we have lost the value system in society where money, greed have become the ultimate aim of our lives.. our kids need grand parents and so do we. but lets stop this hatered and open a conversation with our MILS/BILs and see if we can minimize this animosity after all if we considerd our selves as educated and cultured then what example are we setting to the uneducated>???
what will our daughter think when they grow up and what sort of example /trend would you set..
comments appreciated and flames as well :)
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I am really concerned that our society is deteoriating at such a fast pace than the previous generation.The joint family concept will be history I guess in another decade or so unless we change our thinking.. The concept of MIL being the so called mother is going to be in history books :).. All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.sorry for my language..
why dont we think that there are 2 sides of coin? are all the MILs so bad?? I dont think so!!! are all DILs bad? I dont think so!!!
after all some day you are going to be a MIL and there might be a similiar reaction from your DILs..or is it generation gap?
folks it is time to do some introspection and change the course of life.. frictions happen everday .. On needs to understand the highest goal in life and forgot the rest.. rest is all noise.. my wife does not like my mother and I know there are issues with my mom, but some where I stand in as a wall & find a amiable solution. My request to you all is to have open conversations with your hubbies and find solutions to your problems before pointing figures to your MIL/BILs/FILS etc..Stand firm and confront when required..We need to understand the parents perspective and as to why they think that way.. is it our arranged marriage system? or is it just that we have lost the value system in society where money, greed have become the ultimate aim of our lives.. our kids need grand parents and so do we. but lets stop this hatered and open a conversation with our MILS/BILs and see if we can minimize this animosity after all if we considerd our selves as educated and cultured then what example are we setting to the uneducated>???
what will our daughter think when they grow up and what sort of example /trend would you set..
comments appreciated and flames as well :)
a sad dil replied. Hi abhay,
have you read that most of the messages are talking abt how they helped and in return got insults.. how their ILs are expecting more money? how they and their parents are being abused. i know this because i had nothing against joint families before i got married into one. they simply cant understand that after coming from office with their son.. why does their son needs to rest and order for even a glass of water and their dil should straight away enter the kitchen even if she is pregnant. and very few husbands will understand their wives problems.. coz they want to be goody sons.. and being praised abt how his wife does good seva for all the in laws in the house.. betaa, if you so much want to do seva.. at least for those nine months.. let your wife order the glass of water from you and you march in the kitchen after office. me and my hubby are in the same company and we work 7am -8pm including travel time.. and no relaxations even when pregnant because bhabhi and mommy work all day and need some rest at dinner time.. was i sleeping in the office. if you are tired so am i!! if i complained for a headache(as i wasnt used to so much travel) he thought it was a bahaanaa!! Abhay, i want you to answer this how should i handle these people..
dil replied. Abhay, you are having kids and are hence worried about their upbringing. You compare your childhood with your kids and think that they may loose all contact with your parents, if you don't stay as a joint family. If your wife has good relationship with your mother, then fine, yes, your kids are certainly going to hear good things about their grandma from their mother and vice versa. But, if its not fine, do you wish to see your kids witness the daily fights between your wife and mother. No, certainly your kids will have a bad oppinion about their mother and grandmother. Better stay far away and maintain a good relationship. None, of the dils curse their husband's mother or family unnecessarily. We have seen our mothers who lived in joint families and suffered silently. By doing so, they have set us an example of being submissive and ILs expect the same tradition to continue.
lll replied. Nobody is saying that mother-in-law is ALWAYS a problem. I know of many DILs who have not treated their inlaws well. But this discussion board started after the article \";Problem with in-laws\"; was posted on this website by the editor. (The article was abt problems faced by a DIL)
You say in ur message that \";All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.\"; If there are any DILs not behaving well with their in-laws, and such in-laws want to express thir thoughts then they too are free to join this discussion. No one is preventing them from doing that.
I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and have given up the hope of finding a soultion to these problems. I find this discussion board a very good place to vent out my anger. (which according to u may be \";bitching\";)Not everbody has someone to talk to about such problems. Venting out your anger is not only healthy but also necessary for your sanity.
You say that women need to have open conversations with their hubbies and find a soultion. But not all hubbies are willing to have an open conversation and accept the possibility that their parents may not have behaved well with their wives. Finding soultion to in-laws problem is not as simple as having an open conversation with ur hubby/in-laws. I know this bcoz I have tried doing it. It did not work.
My in-laws don't like me visiting my parents often, even though I am the only daughter of my parents. Usually a girl is expected to come into a joint family and forget her parents or her parents home. A DIL is supposed to treat her in-laws as her own parents but a son-in-law is not expected to take as much care of his in-laws as much as his wife is expected to. Isn't this a hypocrisy in Indian society?
If you are interested in having a joint family system, why don't you and your wife stay with HER parents? That too would be a joint family.
Though I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and they have not treated me well, I will always be there for them whenever they need me. But it is extremely difficult to stay with them under the same roof.
Husbands should start taking care of their mother-in-laws as their own mothers and then we will not have to worry abt the concept of MIL being the so called mother being in history books.
lll replied. Nobody is saying that mother-in-law is ALWAYS a problem. I know of many DILs who have not treated their inlaws well. But this discussion board started after the article \";Problem with in-laws\"; was posted on this website by the editor. (The article was abt problems faced by a DIL)
You say in ur message that \";All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.\"; If there are any DILs not behaving well with their in-laws, and such in-laws want to express thir thoughts then they too are free to join this discussion. No one is preventing them from doing that.
I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and have given up the hope of finding a soultion to these problems. I find this discussion board a very good place to vent out my anger. (which according to u may be \";bitching\";)Not everbody has someone to talk to about such problems. Venting out your anger is not only healthy but also necessary for your sanity.
You say that women need to have open conversations with their hubbies and find a soultion. But not all hubbies are willing to have an open conversation and accept the possibility that their parents may not have behaved well with their wives. Finding soultion to in-laws problem is not as simple as having an open conversation with ur hubby/in-laws. I know this bcoz I have tried doing it. It did not work.
My in-laws don't like me visiting my parents often, even though I am the only daughter of my parents. Usually a girl is expected to come into a joint family and forget her parents or her parents home. A DIL is supposed to treat her in-laws as her own parents but a son-in-law is not expected to take as much care of his in-laws as much as his wife is expected to. Isn't this a hypocrisy in Indian society?
If you are interested in having a joint family system, why don't you and your wife stay with HER parents? That too would be a joint family.
Though I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and they have not treated me well, I will always be there for them whenever they need me. But it is extremely difficult to stay with them under the same roof.
Husbands should start taking care of their mother-in-laws as their own mothers and then we will not have to worry abt the concept of MIL being the so called mother being in history books.
2004-11-19
#1
Name: a sad dil Subject: think abt it
Hi abhay,
have you read that most of the messages are talking abt how they helped and in return got insults.. how their ILs are expecting more money? how they and their parents are being abused. i know this because i had nothing against joint families before i got married into one. they simply cant understand that after coming from office with their son.. why does their son needs to rest and order for even a glass of water and their dil should straight away enter the kitchen even if she is pregnant. and very few husbands will understand their wives problems.. coz they want to be goody sons.. and being praised abt how his wife does good seva for all the in laws in the house.. betaa, if you so much want to do seva.. at least for those nine months.. let your wife order the glass of water from you and you march in the kitchen after office. me and my hubby are in the same company and we work 7am -8pm including travel time.. and no relaxations even when pregnant because bhabhi and mommy work all day and need some rest at dinner time.. was i sleeping in the office. if you are tired so am i!! if i complained for a headache(as i wasnt used to so much travel) he thought it was a bahaanaa!! Abhay, i want you to answer this how should i handle these people..
2004-08-04
#2
Name: dil Subject: MIL, a problem
Abhay, you are having kids and are hence worried about their upbringing. You compare your childhood with your kids and think that they may loose all contact with your parents, if you don't stay as a joint family. If your wife has good relationship with your mother, then fine, yes, your kids are certainly going to hear good things about their grandma from their mother and vice versa. But, if its not fine, do you wish to see your kids witness the daily fights between your wife and mother. No, certainly your kids will have a bad oppinion about their mother and grandmother. Better stay far away and maintain a good relationship. None, of the dils curse their husband's mother or family unnecessarily. We have seen our mothers who lived in joint families and suffered silently. By doing so, they have set us an example of being submissive and ILs expect the same tradition to continue.
2004-08-01
#3
Name: lll Subject: why MIL Is always the problem?
Nobody is saying that mother-in-law is ALWAYS a problem. I know of many DILs who have not treated their inlaws well. But this discussion board started after the article \";Problem with in-laws\"; was posted on this website by the editor. (The article was abt problems faced by a DIL)
You say in ur message that \";All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.\"; If there are any DILs not behaving well with their in-laws, and such in-laws want to express thir thoughts then they too are free to join this discussion. No one is preventing them from doing that.
I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and have given up the hope of finding a soultion to these problems. I find this discussion board a very good place to vent out my anger. (which according to u may be \";bitching\";)Not everbody has someone to talk to about such problems. Venting out your anger is not only healthy but also necessary for your sanity.
You say that women need to have open conversations with their hubbies and find a soultion. But not all hubbies are willing to have an open conversation and accept the possibility that their parents may not have behaved well with their wives. Finding soultion to in-laws problem is not as simple as having an open conversation with ur hubby/in-laws. I know this bcoz I have tried doing it. It did not work.
My in-laws don't like me visiting my parents often, even though I am the only daughter of my parents. Usually a girl is expected to come into a joint family and forget her parents or her parents home. A DIL is supposed to treat her in-laws as her own parents but a son-in-law is not expected to take as much care of his in-laws as much as his wife is expected to. Isn't this a hypocrisy in Indian society?
If you are interested in having a joint family system, why don't you and your wife stay with HER parents? That too would be a joint family.
Though I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and they have not treated me well, I will always be there for them whenever they need me. But it is extremely difficult to stay with them under the same roof.
Husbands should start taking care of their mother-in-laws as their own mothers and then we will not have to worry abt the concept of MIL being the so called mother being in history books.
2004-11-11
#4
Name: rameet Subject: Why MIL is Always the problem?
I totally agree with you III. You are absolutely right.
I am in a very similar situation as you are in. I too have tried talking to my hubby about my in-laws problem, but it seems like I am talking to a wall. When I got married, the first thing my in-laws told me was to forget about my parents and where I came from. I can't visit my parents either. They always make remarks on my religion, the way I cook, etc etc. There is a limit to everything. How much can a person tolerate? My in-laws used to call me names till one fine day when my FIL called me a BAST... I blew up. I gave him a piece of my mind and so far they haven't used such language with me.
I do respect my in-laws and I do my best to live upto their expectations, but there is a limit to everything. All I can say to Abhay is that put urself in your spouse's shoes once and see how it feels. How would you feel if someone keeps ridiculing you day and night? I am sure if your wife's parents did this to you, you would give her hell of a time.
I am thankful to these message boards as this one place where you can vent out your frustrations and you know that you are not alone in this world. It is very helpful.
2004-08-01
#5
Name: lll Subject: why MIL Is always the problem?
Nobody is saying that mother-in-law is ALWAYS a problem. I know of many DILs who have not treated their inlaws well. But this discussion board started after the article \";Problem with in-laws\"; was posted on this website by the editor. (The article was abt problems faced by a DIL)
You say in ur message that \";All I read on this forum is bitching about MIL/FILs and SILS/BILs.\"; If there are any DILs not behaving well with their in-laws, and such in-laws want to express thir thoughts then they too are free to join this discussion. No one is preventing them from doing that.
I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and have given up the hope of finding a soultion to these problems. I find this discussion board a very good place to vent out my anger. (which according to u may be \";bitching\";)Not everbody has someone to talk to about such problems. Venting out your anger is not only healthy but also necessary for your sanity.
You say that women need to have open conversations with their hubbies and find a soultion. But not all hubbies are willing to have an open conversation and accept the possibility that their parents may not have behaved well with their wives. Finding soultion to in-laws problem is not as simple as having an open conversation with ur hubby/in-laws. I know this bcoz I have tried doing it. It did not work.
My in-laws don't like me visiting my parents often, even though I am the only daughter of my parents. Usually a girl is expected to come into a joint family and forget her parents or her parents home. A DIL is supposed to treat her in-laws as her own parents but a son-in-law is not expected to take as much care of his in-laws as much as his wife is expected to. Isn't this a hypocrisy in Indian society?
If you are interested in having a joint family system, why don't you and your wife stay with HER parents? That too would be a joint family.
Though I have a lot of problems with my in-laws and they have not treated me well, I will always be there for them whenever they need me. But it is extremely difficult to stay with them under the same roof.
Husbands should start taking care of their mother-in-laws as their own mothers and then we will not have to worry abt the concept of MIL being the so called mother being in history books.
2004-08-23
#6
Name: another dil Subject: another dil
good for you lll! I loved your mail! abhay you should try being a dil for a week to understand.
All this 'talk it out' appraoch never works! it only worsens the situation with things out in the open and past issues dug up messes up.
if your daughter grows up in a family like yours where there is a constant friction, you have already implanted the seed of 'ill MIL' in her mind. your are doing nobody anygood if you just continue staying under one roof, just so that your arent 'separated' for the world!
when your wife married you and came to stay at your house leaving her own parents, dont you think she gave up something? or is that just lost on you?
think abt it.
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& Answers to Topic : why MIL Is always the problem?
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think abt it
MIL, a problem
why MIL Is always the problem?
Name: rameet
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