Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I have been married for 2 years and my family is of 4,me , my husband , his mother and father.Iam working for an MNC and iam at the starting stage of my career where i have to invest some amount of time regularly for updation to keep me in good pace in office.
About my husband' s Family before my marriage , they were very poor financially and they had made my husband study Engineering. My husband till marriage didnt have a good career growth thats becaz of his attitude like he will fear for anything , no good communication skills.His only plus in his career is only his technical skills. Reg my mom' s family ,they all are well educated and so there was much concentration in my education and iam academically very good through out my studies.They are actually middle class family and had a tougher time to bring me posteducated finacially as well as socially as in our family no girls are allowed to study after their undergraduation . After that too they had financially supported me to get me into IT field to make me stand in my own leg and then spend a lump of money to get me married giving so much \" Seers\" . The things in my home now , are everything that my dad got for me and not even a single tumbler has come from my husband' s family.

About my husband, his expectation was to get a working woman as wife so as to get a good lifestyle with double salary.He is totally dependent financially all times though having a decent salary.I had never seen him planning for life and finance in this two years. He will spent whenever i ask or his father asks .ultimately his account is always zer0 at after 25' s. His intention is like his father had made him study .so he has to keep them good .so whenever his father asks , he will give as like that...To tell about his father , he is very money minded...If he goes to native for a month he will take all necessary things like paste, brush , soaps sometimes incl cooking items etc for that one month, though having good bank balance in lakhs.If he spents \" Rs 100\" from his pocket , he will say that to me 10 times a day and will not leave until i give that.He is such a character.

My husband will never see family maintenance or never mind of doin husband responsibilities in home .His feeling is that his father should see all family maintanence. His father is doin that , his mother is cooking and he will simply go to office and then watch TV in home.I should not even leave a word to his father or him.He will get those words and find in that many mistakes and quarrels with me for the whole night asking how u can question like that.how dare u to do that? I would not even talked in a different way..But still,my husband cant digest me asking questions to his father or him .He is telling whatever his father does , i have to abide with that....Sometimes his father will experiment in building house without consulting any one and will get in to issues ..At that time , i have to take a role of a daughter in law to support him financially to get rid of my FIL' s problem but my husband never minds my career probs of sustenance even ....Iam tot ally depressed for i couldnt do good in my career this past 2 years carrying all these family issues in head and regular quarrels in late nights.


Frankly speaking , my career has gone too worst now where iam in a position that i have to update myself for atleast sustenance.Iam sure these people will never think of me or my health or career problems but want only money from my side .When i started goin against that, my husband is complaining as he, his mother,his father had suffered a lot becaz of me and he is totally depressed becaz of that...

As I couldnt adjust with the situation and now came to my mom' s home with my parents permission, for they couldnt digest seeing me in this situation for the past 2 years .Not even a single call from their side now

Now I planned to stabilise my career first by taking a break , update the base after some relaxation and then to take up my career vigorously . Reg my family life , iam in a confusion whether to take up after my stabilization or go for separation..Plz help..

Thanks,
Mintu M replied. I really liked ABC' s advice!

The best way to tackle such financial situations is taking money from your husband as soon as the salary gets creadited and investing in some bond which he cannot break. My suggestion would be investing in property and making him pay the EMIs. You need to make sure that the house is on his name to gain his trust.
You can explain him that the way his parents kept certain percentage of their income aside to make him study (inspite of their poor financial situation), he also needs to do that for his children and there is nothing wrong in it.

Also, your parents are nowhere less. They too made you study. So you should give the same amount of money to your parents. When you start doing that, things start changing as the husbands start understanding what you have gone through. Keep track of what he is spending for his parents and give the same amount to your parents. If you pay anything for your FIL' s mistakes, just keep that money aside for your parents from you next salary and give it to them. Make sure that you account has 0 balance on 20th of each month. For first few months it will be a problem. Later things may change.

As he has not contacted you in last 2 years, the only option I can see is sending a divorce notice. Either he would want to avoid divorce and for that sake he may agree to keep certain amount aside for you and your children (future plan)..... or it may backfire and agree for the divorce. If he agrees for the divorce, it' s best to get divorced as I do not feel anything would' ve left in this relationship. If you get divorced and you have a brother, please do take care that you dont stay with him.

As ABC said, it is not a good idea to take a break. IF you take a break, you will keep on thinking about these issues. The job will keep you occupied. I know it is not easy to concentrate when you have such issues. You can take up a low profile job in such case. But do not quit!

I have seen parents who dont let their sons get married because they dont want to lose control on his money. In this generation somehow I feel that the expectation is too much from the children.

In last generation there used to be half dozen children. If the parents stay with one son, they used to feel that he is different from others to take care of them. They used to have positive feeling about whatever their son and daughter in law are doing for them.
ABC replied. Hello mintu, i can feel ur position.

First let me inform u one thing. This is happening daily in all families, husband spending money for SIL, FIL, MIL, BIL. Morel is same but story differs in each one. So relax that u are not alone. All ILs expect DIL to do what they say. Infact u are in much safer position than others. they want only money from u, not any services like household, cooking, helping.........

Regarding career in IT, U cannot do it in a fixed time. In software, each day is a learning process. 2 years is very small time to gain knowledge about basis process. so donot take any break from that. keep it going. and try to do ur best in that.

If i were in ur position, i will get back to husband and make a strong support for myself in that family, i will push out all issues like giving money to FIL, husbands balance is 0.

Focus on work when in office. Leave all worries and troubles in house door when u leave the house. Go to office, fix a time for urself, 10 hours/day. Learn ur substance each day. gain confidence. donot even think of family or ur problems in that time.

Come back, eat and enjoy music, relax with ur left over time. have nice sleep. let them talk what ever they want, give them money how much ever they want. fix urself a certain amount for urself to have on monthly basis. u save it or spend it to enjoy urself or buy things for u.

The problem here is only ur money minded, FIL. Most people are like that only. But remember what ever he saves is going to be used up one day in terms of buying property or health issues. so saving balances in lakhs and not using it, is not a big issue. let him be like that itself.

2 years in marriage life is not a big time to understand each other. It takes 5 to 6 years to understand each other completely in terms of love, wavelength, thinking and adjusting. So take ur time and do small changes here and there to gain life.

Before taking any decision like staying togather or get seperated, place all issues out of focus and think only about love and affection for each other. If ur husband, loves, respects, takes ur suggestion in atleast some issues, then donot saperate. u will be the loser.

If he is not even considering u in any terms, then go ahead for living alone. Donot confuse family with career. Both are different. A women proves herself in managing both at same time. it is like 1 leg in land and another leg in boat. balancing both is where ur talant and maturity works. All the best.