Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Its sad to read most posts. But its nice that we can share our thoughts and agony on this board. And thanx to many friends who have taken time out to read our problems and reply . Atleast it helps us vent out the pain and anger and depression inside us.

I am home all the time and once my mil comes home she will keep telling how happy she is in the school and what all new computer operated work she is learning to give to her students. And all that i have to say is my fil ate more lunch , the servant did not finish so much work etc.....
In her place i cud not have faced my dil who is sitting home doing housework and i am stylishly going to work and coming.
But i am not losing hope thinking that one day may be i will also do something productive while at the same time not running away from my responsibilities. Okay friends shall write more later. What can i do other than reading news and articles to keep my mind away from getting depressed? anju replied. Hi folks
i am back after a good 4 months, am yet to read recent posts.

If u remember my mil is working and i am homemaker with my fil and kids.I ,my DH and kids were abroad when we had to leave everything and come back due to my fil' s illness.Once we came back my mil started working and now my fil has recuperated.Please note that my DH is till not back and we r having to live apart in this whole process. My in laws started taking help of my silduring his illness due to which sil' s DH suggested we shud come back to india. I was working and were settled there when i had to leae my job and my kids education half year thru to come back here . We have financed our whole big house and my in laws also moved into this house before we came to india.
During our absence they have decorated our new house in their own style, have kept lot of house staff all of whom are chamchas of my in laws.Now i am a new face and knowing me that i am soft spoken and not demanding they take advantage of me. For doing my work i have to beg them and they will listen to my in laws rather than me.
Acc to my in laws i need to feed them as part of our house family. I like that gesture but somedays it kills me.Even if i dont eat my food i need to find time and feed them. My kids are bored with the same traditional food daily but if i make something to please my kids my fil ends up eating and its not good for his health most of these non traditional oily or rich food. My mil controls all the staff, my fil, our expenses and family matters. Even if one vase moves from here to there she will give her comments and observe keenly each of our movement and habits.
She will keep bragging about her cooking, her long hair,her planning and much more. I admire her virtues but i am unable to be good like her in all this. But i dont interfere , i allow them to plan and spend their time and money as they wish without being a snob. But they have a penchant in commenting as to how i dress, what i eat and how much time i spend on phone or net or my cooking. I am away from my DH and managing kids and house and in mil' s absence i am trying to cook to please them. After all they r not bad people and my kids will learn a lot from grandparents and disciplined life.
But i have grown to be such a depressed personality, with no say in anything , being indifferent to jokes, family matters, dressing up,nutrition , news or catching up with friends and relatives.I feel unworthy of this whole money and wealth my DH has created.I feel totally useless in presence of irtuous MIL. I keep asking and learning from her but in vain, nothing seems to be entering my head .
I have not shown these traits outwardly, in front of them i smile, i mingle and talk when their side people come home, i dont complain about this or anything to others.
So far i lead an independent life abroad and managed home and work and kids and active social life. But now i feel i hardly know anything whether related to cooking, gardening,pooja or finance or even dressing up or managing house.
I have tried my small steps in doing somehting for a career and have passed my courses and out with my small job profile for 3- 4 hours a day. I enjoy my work but now get tired in keeping up with all the hosuework. I mangar to whatever i can and be a good parent to my kids. My in laws fulfil their needs and food thru househelp and each other. Why in this world did we come back and have to live away from DH if they can mamge themselves so well. Also due to dominating nature of my mil all the time they fight and that too loudly and openly in front of my kids.
Now with the kids in school with heavy admission, and my small work i cant uproot from india or anywhere within india also. No need to mention the costs in NOida.My DH is planning to come back since he cant live alone and we have dreamt of setling in india. I know my DH wud love to take care of his parents and me showing maturity and being a social creature with his whole clan. And to sustain his love i have mentally prepated myself to come back to india alone with kids and take care of his parents.

Please help how to be not depressed and how to motivate myself to be able to do tthings for others and myself and really be happy.
I have forgotten to be happy and i feel even after my husband returns i will continue to remain sad as i am such a poor work manager.
I have become negative, weak,uglier and moodier. Dont know how shall i make my DH proud of me and how i can show him i am able to manage house and career well and am a positive companion ,without complaining and being nice to his people and virtuous like his mother.
He loves me and wants to do what i like but i doubt if i deserve his love aand his virtous mother. A replied. hello all,
thank u for taking time to read and reply sensibly..
I am going out and trying to start a career for myself too. Its very tough since now i have to do that and housework too. And not to mention managing small kids. Really getting tired running around and multi tasking. Hope all this will bear good fruits. I really want to keep focussed on my small steps towards my career even though its very difficult for me. I am very thankful that servants atleast take care of house work, though not my rooms and stuff!!!!
To my bad luck for the past 15 days servants/driver is not coming due to some major incident in their house. Cleaning the whole house, cooking and kids exam dont ask me....its killing me. On top of this cooking dabba early morning for my mil. One day somehow i got so late cud not cook anything early AM and so got so worried , when i came down she made it herself and she kept saying \" i finished everything , i dont want to go late and also i will feel hungry in the noon when i am in the business etc...\" It made me feel good for nothing kind of\" And that day my kid also went to school without food/milk. I felt very bad and so slow....i cud not even do this much i was feeling. The whole rest of the day i kept working hard with cleaning, cooking and meals after meals.....!
Some days will go when i wont have blanced meals , and the very next day some headache, pains this and that.
I keep thinking how best to manage things without having self pity and without forgeting atleast important things. But no i cant keep pace with my energetic MIL. Other days it will be annoying as my mil' s relatives will be home and they all will talk loud and nonsense!!!
Since childhood i have been raised to not backanswer and keep respecting elders... likewise i am unable to think smart and get away with what makes me happy. I dont interfere in their work , i try to do my work, take care of their eating and medicne and also being like a servant now full time!! in the absence of house help.
Still she will come from business and remark some small thing around the hosue that its dirty ..only after our servant comes will it look shining . Till then i would have been running around like mad to clean and sweep and cook . Once she remarks like that i dont answer back or show any concern!! So she will see like\" what an arrogant girl\" Then she will sit in anticipation of snack items and ask what all happened in the day, her devoted husband!! will come and give entire report ..without missing a single event.
With my going out he will tell her sadly i had to do all this myself, and she will tell its okay what to do ,and in all this i wont even feel like being tthere, i will just give them tea and some eatery and try to move out of that aarea.... , At all such sad and bad times i will try to recollect how my days with my DH were, how my job was and other friends and fun time we all had.
Since we were abroad my fil had POA for most bank operations and now also he wants me to tell him transactions and each detail i would do. And I have done no shopping or anything till so far with him and her closely watching me what i do or spend or eat! Only if i go out casually, will i end up spending!! I get to go out for grocery and stuff .
Due to my enquiries into a new career i am getting to go out and see. Frankly speaking when i see young ladies all fashionably dressed and accomplishing somethings i feel so sad so sad that i am not one of them. Just at home with house matters and politics i feel so left out, out of time and an old timer bahu!!! Atleast i have started with small steps ets hope for the best
Bye folks! piya replied. u say ' ur mil stylishly goes out to work while u sit at home' .
what is stopping u from ' stylishly going out to work' ?
i understand that u left job n came away from hubby to india to lookafter the in-laws. but since this is not working out in ur favour n u r getting sad sitting at home n listening to bad things abt u, then change the situation. just because u came here to run the house doesnt means that u have to run the entire house for the rest of ur life. u can join a job.it seems that u r in noida, it has numerous companies. if ur mil has energy to go out n work then she can very well manage the house too with the help of the servants . or she can make alternative arrangements to take care of fil if she doesnt wants to leave her job. n btw he is his hubby first then ur fil. she should be more worried abt him. of course u should take care of them but not at the expense of ur mental well being. join a job here n put an end to this or u may also consider going back to where ur hubby is staying. ppl will take advantage of u only if u let them do so. rima replied. please put urself together. i know its very tough staying away from DH n taking care of eccentric inlaws. i know u have scarificed a lot for the sake of ur hubby' s parents n they dont even ackowledge ur contribution. its sad but please wake up now. build ur self esteem. u should convey to ur DH in soft manner that u need some work outside the house. that u feel depressed in the present situation n it is harming u. tell him that u wish to join some part time / full time job n then go ahead n find a job for urself. if u sit at home like this ur mil wont even lift a finger in the house because she has you to take care of the nitty gritty details of the household. just having servants is not enough. tell her that u r going to work outside the home . dont ask her to leave her job, directly. that will make u sound bad. just say that u ll be going out for work now. thats it. then she will have to think abt some alternative to take care of the house n fil. its sad that ur servants dont listen to u, thats terrible. u need to be more assertive with everybody. u need to come out of depair for the sake of ur children. what will they learn from u when they see u unfocussed, disinterested n sad all the time ? take ur present situation as just a phase of life which is going to fade away soon. u need to change ur situation urself. dont think that ur hubby sitting in u.s. will take the actions on ur behalf. no, its ur responsibility to make things right in ur life. please have courage. many ppl r in more pathetic situation than urs, they also feel timid n shy but with prayer n confidance they overcome their odds n take charge of their life. have faith n make changes in ur life style. no point in focussing ur energy in changing in-laws or the servants. just concentrate on ur own self n bring positive changes in ur life. rest of the ppl will take care of them. A replied. yes fil has seriosu liver problem and also diabetic. But even after we all ask him to diet and eat less, he wont listen.
for small things my parents in laws will call my sil to noida and so my bil(hubby' s sis' s husband)sounded to us how helpless my in laws are and that we should come back to india. Naturally if sil has to come for everything i felt bad and we discused and i came back. Here now my mil started her business and goes out and my fil over eats , likes servants made food more, we dont have cooks, if i ask my maid to put tadka or at times help in kitchen while i am busy with my small kid...that time he thinks everything she has made.
After coming here my bil says i sounded to u all to come and try for few months and then decide if u want to live here or not.....that time we did not understand like this from him . NE ways now that we have come and kids joined school and Dh planning to come shortly i cannot leave all this and go...its too late.....But as i said noone appreciates that now!!!And i am getting hungry for small appreciations as i feel lonely and cheated kind of...
I felt very bad leaving my job abroad but felt its bad time for my in laws where i shud help, so came here in hurry.
my husband and everybody is supportive of me doing something. My DH has told them and they are not making very big issues as such. I am planing to open a nursery and go ahead with gods grace. Hope that unlike my previous job this venture wont be short lived!!!!

Thank u sunita.... i am taking steps towards servants ,let see....they work nicely so i dont want to let them go due to my personal problems but if they try to dance on my head i need to show them their position!!!! How do u all treat ur servants and also get the work done!!! I am just about learning servant etiquettes and management !!!

Yes sss, u r right i do not want to crack relationships and have to take it nicely and maturedly from now on... Sunita replied. Oh sweetie!
The last thing you need to do now is to take any advice from the househelp. If the daal is made nice and your FIL loves it - get that person to make it regularly! Sweetheart you are not there to do a job which you pay someone else to do. If that is the case then you seriously need to get rid of the cook!

I understand that you don' t want to rock the boat with your In-laws, however, at least sort out the staff! Do not be afraid, I am sure that you have handled worse situations in the US, socially and when you were working. If you need to build on your self confidence then get a self help book that may enable you to be the person you REALLY want to be, in fact really are!

Don' t be sad, your feelings will be picked up on by your children. I think its fantatsic that you are considering tuition. It will show your in-laws that you are good at other things apart from housework, as well as give you confidence and some income of your own! Your children will be very proud of your self reliance!

Don' t give up. Continue to vent your frustrations here, it will help to keep you sane! Best of luck hon! sss replied. Dear A,
can you explain what made you take the decision to come to india?how unhealthy your FIL is?is he bedridden?what were the factors you considered before taking the decision?was it to just make your hubby and Sil happy?do you now feel like you did an unnecessary sacrifice for others and neglected your own happiness?were you yourself interested in coming to India?I wonder whether there was such an emergency or not?and if your FIL is very ill,how can be there a problem of his overeating and also mil will be depressed over his health.then why do you feel jealousy?did you discuss with your family before the decision?if they did support you then,why are they making you sad now?
see whatever be the case you have done a big thing for the family.everyone know that and will be appreciating you from deep inside them.now,be responsible and dont spoil the relationships.otherwise whatever you have done wont be counted and you will even be getting criticism from others.you must be feeling bad as you are away from your hubby.its natural.but he will be returning in a year.use this time to involve more with your kids and your side of relatives.
hope you will feel better as days pass
bye,
sss Sunita replied. A, is the house yours? If so then take over. If the house help are more of a hindrance then threaten to sack them! (Even if you are bluffing, hee, hee!) You are the Mistress of the house not your mother-in-law. It' s your way - or they can get the hell out! If the In-laws complain then tell them that you have put up with enough nakhre and nonsense from the staff, you are not prepared to spend your husbands hard earned money on people who do not work!

If the MIL wants to keep the staff then say that you cannot put up with them. She has the choice of leaving work to stay at home. Say that you are more than happy to look after the family AND earn a living.

Tell your husband that you have to make a few changes in the house which his parents may not like, they are old and set in their ways, they may not like change. However, as you are in charge of the welfare of the WHOLE family you are making an executive decision to restructure the staff.

I am sure that when put across that this is for the best of everyone, he will be proud of you. Say the staff are manipulating your parents by taking advantage of the fact that they have worked their for such a long time, in doing so their standards of work have slipped and you are practically paying them just to turn up and make an appearance!

When will your husband arrive back in India? Use his absence to your advantage. If you rarely talk to him then neither do your in-laws. Step up and take over properly, It' s awful that they are living the life of luxury whilst you are trying to be economical with the finances.

Do your in-laws pay their own way? If so then you can' t really complain. If your husband is financing their extravagances then get him to send the money to you. Open a bank account which is only in your name, if your in-laws want money then you give them what you think they need not beyond.

Justify the amount by saying you have put some money aside for the childrens education (the more the better - they can' t compare their grandchildrens future to a nice meal or dress). If they complain, say your Husband also has loans that he must pay off, if he is to return at the soonest. Say he is missing his children dearly and cannot bear to be apart from them. You have told him that you support his decision 110%. Your In-laws must see the two of you as a team, not to be played off against one another.

I know that my advice may be coniving and controversial but you appear to be in a situation that requires you to be a little devious! Your In-Laws are taking the p!ss with you, don' t let it happen, you' re not a bad person - don' t let them pull you down!

I hope you find the strength to take them on, as for the staff if I was you i would get rid and employ some more - just to show them who' s boss and knack them off!!!! A replied. Its not by choice, i was working woman who was asked to come down from abroad to be a moral support and hlep my ailing in law. MIL has always been active and taking life enthusiastically. The moment i came down she handed over all the house to me and joined work. I want to help them and i understand at this age they want to relax down without any responsibilities. But calling us from abroad for support and then handing over the house and fil and i have small kids , if she walks away its terrible for me. She keeps boasting how she managed work in her younger days with many relatives at home to feed and short of finance. She is accomplished lady no doubt. But we cud have come very well as a family had we been given enough time. This is in a hurry i had to quit my job and now having to live away from DH. Also due to time difference i am hardly able to talk to DH. Mornings when my kids go away to school i have to cater to stupid kiddish demands of my fil all through the day. Servants who have been trained by mil are very loyal to her and i have to overly please even the servants to get my work done or room tidied.
My fil and mil also fight due to fil' s unending needs and eccentricism. my mil is also dominating and knows how to get work done from ANYONE. She is smart and intelligent.
I love my DH and for his career i had agreed to leave my job and return to look after his parents. also there was pressure from my sil and bil. Now after cocming here i dont see my need here at all.I have paid heavy donation in schools (no need to mention the ever costly Noida)and got admissions for them. I cant return back abroad, since after 2-3 years we were to anyways come back and settle.

My Dh also has a decent practice.But for him i wud have thought twice about my return. I tell my Dh facts about here but somehow i dont make it sound so bad , dont have the courage to tell him i am not liking it here. Just waiting for him to return ASAP...............
Here surrounded by mil' s relatives and tired of all the social visits and hearing gossips and unnecessary talks.

Cant leave my fil and go to work, now that she is not home, so cant think of part time jobs etc.... also tired of my side relatives who keep saying how come i am home and she(MIL) is working.... Our own people make our helplessness sound even more worser!
I have become so slow in my reflexes and disintrested in anything. My in laws spend a lot of money in eating and dressing and medications like anti aging,parlour,etc.... They r old but eat like youngsters and buy so many dresses. If it goes like this my DH wud never come out of loans or even be able to return soon.
Seeing them over eat and groom themselves i have become totally disintrested in eating or even being presentable or dressing!!! Its sad how after an age people become eccentric.
Just thinking and doing everything for them as if i am doing for my own parents.
Wish i get some courage to voice out my opinions and sit and relax like my own house. We have spent all our savings in our house and now i am being so subservient to them and not living like i shud in my own house like a owner!!!! Somebody pls teach me the art of living and help me gain some self respect!!!!
Everyday seeing her happiness i am only becoming sad (feel really ashamed).
I want to remain young and jovial and social and be an intresting partner when my DH comes. I really want to adjust here and not be a diffcult person for my DH. He keeps asking about my welfare and the std. of living of kids. He works hard for us and wnats us to live in style and comfort . I also know how much he will like me if i am able to tackle house affairs intelligently and at the same time not become a house maid or a troubled dil/wife/mother.
Tony S replied. honestly, A u should search for a part time job opr a place where u can get ready and go and spend a couple of hours and be back. where u can meet people, converse and feel better, more confident. but only u can help yoirself find such a place. all the best. pritee replied. hi ...

its v strange that u r educated, young & yet at home. is it by choice ?

what i can suggest is that dont feel down ... instead keep urself busy.

join hobby classes or a club or join a social service group. u will have lots to talk abt rather than maids & FIL.

hope there r changes in ur life
pritee