Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hello friends,

I am new to this community. I have been married for 2 years and settled in US with my hubby. My in laws are back home in india. My FIL leaves separate and my MIL stays in the house my hubby bought.

Last year she came to visit us, I felt that time , I was least importance for my hubby...as he did anything for his mom and when i used to ask him the same stuffs he said NO to it. My MIL never shared any recipie of hers what my hubby likes and he kept telling u learn it frm her..She didnt allow me to enter the kitchen or iron his clothes and kept telling after his marriage i am not able to do anything for him.

She keeps taunting my parents by saying something or the other. My bro had a love marriage she taunted my parents saying u shld have raised ur kids well...whereas my SIL also had a love marriage. My parents travel in train my second AC...so last time she was visiting our native place i told her u book in second ac as its hot in india n she was travelling alone...so she is telling hum middle class family log hai..me and my sons always travelling second class compartment..ur family only travels in second ac etc...after marriage these days my son is telling go in AC etc...

She shows lots of love in front of my hubby...She needs my parents when she is in need or in hospital etc...but when my mom was in hospital she didnt even call them...or asked her how she is?

When i am hurt and tell my hubby abt all this he says i am cribing abt his mother...His mother never complains abt me....He says ur parents are hurt so why are u so worried...and making problems in our life...my mom didnt call ur parents what is the big deal..etc...

he says he loves me and dont wont to get in btwn his mom and me...

i am feeling really depressed as i cant share anything with anyone..

Please do advice me... Sujata replied. HI Priya ,

First of all just don' t get depressed , I know its easy to stay and these things always remain in mind all the time but we all are sailing in same boat.

I won' t advice you much same thing happens with me also let me share with you some of my incidents, we are married for 5 yrs and didn' t plan for child so she tortured me all the time with this issue, and now that I am pregnant and she never even bothers to ask me abt my health and even though i talk to her abt my doc appointments she is just not interested .Don' t know what she wants but i have stopped thinking though everytime I talk to her things don' t go out of my mind.One more thing is she compares a lot, my pregancy with my BIL' s wife she is due in April which irritates me the most.

Secondly the same things she keeps complaining abt my parents not caling, the other day I told her directly do u all ever call my parents atleast once or on any festivals, & I told her you will face the same situation when your daughter gets married & when her inlaws never spk to you she will realise, i alwys tell her you will face all the things you do to us when your daughter gets married .She also thing I keep on sending lot of thing to my parents and nothing at thier house, well she doesn' t realise that if any of the electronics items my brother or my parents order they always pay my hubby for that , but she has all those doubts.

One more thing is talking to hubby about these things never help , we always land up having a fight, because he is like I can take anything but cannot hear a word against my mother...I am trying to just be away and try and be nice to them and talk to them every weekend.

finally all the MILs are just the same and always interfering. rocking replied. Priya,
Dont feel depressed because we all are facing the same situation here.

I can very well visualize, how your mil never complain anything for you , still manage to say things to you.
what you can do is , use the same tacts she' s using. Be polite but do what you want to .when she says something reply back immediately to her. Never involve your husband between mother and wife battle. Handle her by yourself.Be very sharp and tell her what you have in mind whenever you get a chance.

about your kitchen : you faced this problem once.Now you know that next time when she comes , you do want her to control everything. So be a very active member in your home. Cook and learn all the recipes your husband likes by yourself, from your relatives, friends..keep trying you will know that. Take help of internet.Post here if you need help...we all will advice you....

Parents : oh...MIL will never call your parents...my MIL used to call initially now she never.This is because she have started treating me with leniency. We send them money home.Initially she knew that i' m earning and supporting them. I used to give her a lot of extra respect,politeness.Then she changed and feels that its my duty.
I too hate this because she tells us our duties to call all her long distance relatives even her friends. I do that but sometimes i feel bad that if she tries to be so social she should call my parents sometimes.
so i have decided now, to do what i want.If she tells me to call somebody, i call that person after a week...why not...i will do what i feel....if she ask, i tell her that i' m very busy ...we work days and nights..it gets very tiring .After work i have to do all household stuff, so i just forgot to call....i want to make her realise that we are working hard here to support them and they need to atleast respect me and my parents for that. So you do something similar to make her realise that she too have some responsibility.
if she ever taunt your parents, you take incharge and talk to her. Find a way to tell her very politely that this is immature of her and she should respect them.If your husband is supportive, then in these things tell your husband to talk to her. Make sure when you talk to your husband, hes in a good mood, tell him as if you are just having a conversation and talk very straight once and for all.Dont try to repeat these shikayat of yours again and again. Talk and close the topic .

Just dont get depressed and be very strong to handle this situation by yourself.
I used to initially fight with my husband, but now i have realised that these guys no matter what will always take mommy' s side...so its no use telling and talking to them.
we should be thankful that they are good husbands. What if your husn=band was himself not good and you had all these problems along.

that is why now i have understood this and i' m trying to handle these things by myself. I dnt say a single word againgst his parents, talk to them nicely but at the end i do what i have to. I' m taking care of my responsibilities by supporting them monetary as well as talking nicely. They too need to understand this.
Take things in your hand and be a strong person.


one more thing in your case your MIL is not living with FIL so she will try to stay close to your husband and can never see you taking her place. She needs to understand that you are the wife and you have a stronger place in everything. But she will ot understand this. So dont worry.You are not in competition with her.She is. So, you do try to impress your husband and get very close to him. She will be quiet by herself after sometime.

This works beliver me. My husband took m side yesterday and told MIL that so what if she(i) hasnt done this. She was quiet. She understood and dint say or ask me about it when i spoke with her....

SR replied. Hi

let her cook for her son etc etc.. when she is doin so.. say u got all free time and are bored and go shopping, or parlour etc etc.. enjoy...soon she' ll get jealous of all that and won' t bother doin stuff for him......
When she is doin stuff for him...say to her how great it is to have her there so u can carry on enjoying your life and free time... hehehe
Chandra replied. its a losing battle. the problem is not that the men are attached to their moms, thats a good thing. sometimes sons are mean and rude to their parents.

the problem is that the push their wives to the side in order to accomodate their mothers.

you could try to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. which would probably just be a complete waste of time. this kind of thing makes me very angry...i would just ignore it. and ignore him. if he wants to act rude to you, then so be it...dont let it bother you. people like that dont change, they get away with it, because we let them get away with it.

if ur mil says not to come into the kitchen, tell her, well i want to learn how you make such and such, because HER SON wants her to learn.

sorry, this type of thing makes me so angry. why us girls have to feel this way.

i' ll tell you one thing, i used to feel that way, (my situation is much worse, not making light of ur situation, but i have a lot of stuff going on with my inlaws). i used to feel badly, but it took me awhile to get to the point of not caring. and im pregnant too....so it hasnt been easy.

dont let it bother you, trust me. you will be much better off.