Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Al,
I' m sure most of you must be in the same boat as mine...I' m a married working girl in U.S ..my problem is my inlaws, their interference, their demands, double standard and then the money send to them...
My husband is very attached to his mother and feels that he has to do everythg for his family..he sends lik $3000-4000 every year to them Besides the fact that thye have $10000 with them in form of CD' S. they get all the interest and everythg.

My MIL is a school principal...oh ya u guessed it right very smart, active, cheerful, double standard lady...she talks so sweet and tries to emotionally control her son..she leaves no chance to explain her son that he has to do everythg for them and his sister....

they have never done anythg for us..My husband came here..did his graduation , took loand and then repaid...they didnt eve pay for his school...didnt pay anythg..then once he strated working hes een sending them money...he wants to go for MBA nxt year and its an expense of $100,000 ..they wnt help us...
he paid them for the mrg expense, but thye did nothg and kept all the money...they have never even given me a single good gift by themselves...


my MIL pretends and tries to control all the money...she pretends as if our money is hers...its one and the same thing ..how can it be?...we support them and they havent done anythg for us....my husband understands sometimes but tries to cover them and thik that he has do everythg its his responsibilty....

i' m so sick of hat smart lady...who tries to take everythgf rom us and never even call my parents...pretends that she is ladke waali...hell with her....i' m a working girl..my parents have supported me more in my education and upbringing than what she has done for her son....shame on parents like these....

how can i make her realize that we re earning our money and its not her by any chance...? and how much do you guys think is a valid amount to be send to them every year....? M replied. What do your MIL need $10000 for? Somebody has already written in this forum......this is the age when they gave to opt for Sanyasashram as per Hindu religion (sacrifice everything and go for pilgrimage).
A suggestion from me...... buy a bigger house by taking more loan. Your husband will not be left with any money to send even if they ask. The new house will be a good investment so that you dont have to worry about savings in your bank.
One more suggestion......Start a recurring account in which you have to deposit certain amount and you should not be able to withdraw money for 5 years. I started such account in the post office in India with the help of my mom.

If you feel that with the current finacial situation it is difficult for your husband to do MBA if you buy a house, forget about MBA. Anyway he will not be left with any money to pay the fees if he keeps on sending money like this. Shanta replied. Hi xyz,

I think you are mean and pathetic. I really feel sorry for your husband for marrying a girl like you. I really do. You are complaining because your husband sends $3000 to his parents in a year?? that' s peanuts - probably 3% of your household income!

You say \" we are earning our money\" !! Just keep it in your head, that your in-laws have done much more for your husband than you would ever do in your whole sad lifetime. And you think it is your money?? If your husband has earned it - he can give it to anyone he wishes. Learn to support your husband in his duties and responsibilities, it will be good for you in the long term. Can you honestly say that your husband is happy being with you? I don' t think your husband would say that. First achieve that, you' ll have lots of time to worry about money later.

Shanta xyz replied. i agree Chandra..if there is a real situation where both the parents are not working, it is assumed that the bro will take care...we are here discussing a different case...where they have evrythg and still feel insecure and demand money....

if in case somethg happens in the house or there is no source of income , we will be there this is why i and Namita said that if needed we should send money...but if not then they should understand....
here in my situation husband has to do MBA, we have to buy a house and settle down....we are nt expecting them to come and built a house for us...of course never...but atleast they can help us save more for our future.

u know it pinches me so many times, when i go out and want to buy somethg but dnt buy it, thinking that i should save for our bad times bcz i know that time will soon come when we will be hand to mouth....i earn, sometimes i need to and want to pamper myself...i strongly think i deserve that after all the hard work...but i dnt...and i understand that i should nt at this point...but then the thought comes to my mind ...oh my inlaws are enjoying every moment from our money and look here i' m thinking twice for the same thing...then i get angree and feel stupid....i feel ' am i working for them? seems like i' m' ....they dnt value dollars and think $100 is rs 100...and here we think twice before spending $100......

i' m ready to make all the sacrifices for my husband and mine future, but is nt the parents responsibility to understand the same?....

Not just this, then i feel that why the hell my MIL tries to be smart and compete me...for what?...i' m giving them everythg ,why cant she be just herself and nt try to outsmart me....she thinks that i' m a fool...

i went to india and if my mom used to call she used to attend the call and nt even tell me later....reason....can u imagine she wants to save te STD bill....i feel yuk.....i send u so much money everymonth and u cant even bother to tell me that my mom calls and i should return bcz i will increase ur STD bill to rs 10.....

i didnt call my relatives from there on new year for the same reason....
she dnt want me to....

she tries to get everythg from us and cannot spend even a single rs on us....how can one feel...husband would never realize that and i cant and dnt want to tell him anythg against his mother....but this is happening....

if u camt be mine, why should i give u my salary, money from my home...atleast be considerate and thankful to some extend and please respect my parents..they deserve that....


all these small things and i have developed an estranged feeling for her....what can i do?... Chandra replied. My brother, now works as a doctor, has a wife and two kids. my mom retired a LONG time ago, to take care of the two boys. my sisinlaw is at school in another state, and my dad has slowly cut down on his work.
my brother has a lot of burden on his shoulders, my loans, his wife' s loans and all the usual stuff that my dad has to go thru, now he goes thru.

the thing is, my parents paid for EVERYTHING. his education, my education and even started paying my sisinlaw' s education. now its my brother' s turn.
but my parents arent asking for the money, its just automatically assumed that now he is going to take over.
for many years, all thruout his schooling and mine, my dad paid everything, never even made us work a day in our lives.

i guess its different in our situation. my brother earns the money and now he is paying the bills.
i think, if somehow, you arent living the standard of life you want, because ur husband is sending money to his parents, and i dont mean buying diamonds and things..lol...but normal stuff, things you want for ur family, then maybe how much you send to them should be cut back.
But, if its not really cutting into ur lifestyle, and you arent hand to mouth kind of thing, maybe its not too bad. i guess there should be a limit of how much you give for the year, then you can work around it.

think of it this way, if for some reason, something was to happen to his family, like, someone lost their job, or got sick (god forbid) and couldnt work, then you would probably have to fully take care of his parents right?
i know they work now, but maybe sending a little bit of money, (have your husband at least tell them, this is all you can afford right now, and stick to it)so sending a little bit, TELLING them, TALKING to them and putting ur foot down that ur not gonna send more.

we' re indians....gotta live in our indian ways, no matter how much they stink!!
xyz replied. I know Namita...ur very right....hell with these people...
I earn good , still my parents scold me in even buying a $10 gift for them...thye say sve ur money...u will need it..make a house...do whatever dnt spend on us..i feel irritated and tell my mom..u have done more than what my inlaws have done for their son...they keep asking and u keep refusing...why?.u should ask from us the same way my inlaws ask from us...they again say dnt think that bcz u have to do their, u should spend on us too....

My inlaws never ask us to save..they ask how much u have and my bhola husband tells them everythg and they think that we have lots and they should get all....moreover i hate the double standard of my MIL...she talks sweetly and taunts me...once i told my husband after listening to her taunt on ladke ladki waale for about a month ..he got angree and said i will ask them...when he did..they openly refused....said we are very broadminded people...we never say these thgs...i was the bad one that time...i now know that i need to be smart and tackle her by my own....i realy pray that GOD give me the strenght to answer her back smartly the same way she does....

my inlaws also never pays for anythg...rather my husband paid double the amount thy spend on mrg and they kept all...they even kept all the money my parents gave to me on the mrg....
morover my MIL never calls my parents herself...i hate her...i' m a working independent girl..my husband understands that, we support them so she has no right to behave as if she has some upper hand in from=nt of my parents..i' m going to tell her this sometime...sh' s gonna get from me...

all the relatives ask us to extend family now...she hasnt even said that once..instead she says how will u guys manage...if she worries so much how will we manage a baby...why cant she think how we manage their expense..she keep asking for more and more.....

Problem is husbands never see this....rather my husband tries to cover them, even when he realize this....i have seen this happening couple of times....i' m a very quiet girl and never say anythg to anybody....but she has aggravated me so much now, that i really feel like taking it out on her now...and i really wish i should be able to in a very diplomatic way same as what she does...
i have been such a giving person...but now for her i dnt even feel like spending 100 rs for her....i hate her so much and its all bcz of her, the smartness which she has shown...

i feel bad that i cant talk to my husband openly on this..i know its a very sensitive issue talking about his mother whom he' s so close to...but somebody needs to understand...i have come to know that we ourself have to handle them now....we cant do anythg for the money...that will be gone to them, but i want to make her realize that shes getting all that money bcz we are working here....she should be considerate of that...if i' m nt working my husband alone cannot handle all the expense all his life...she need to respect DIL for this...and i really want that....i' m nt asking anythg from them, but idnt like the idea that DIL and her family is not respected in India... Namita replied. i agree with you in saying how can they expect money from son especially when they are earning ... i also do feel shame on such parents .... my IL' s are also very very well to do, they have their own house, 3 house on rent in city and 2 on rent at native place(bt that is also a small city), pension and other income are apart ... bt even then they were controlling all my husbands money, after marriage they asked him to give money n at last it was dicided 10000 per month + all the bills and maintainance (ITS TOO MUCH) bt my husabnd should have understood this at that time ... even after demanding so much they were not satisfied, b4 marriage my husband use to give all his salary to them bt after marriage he started investing himself which ofcourse they didnt like .. even after getting 10000 cash and paying bils and maintainace my MIL asked for my salary (ofcourse very sweetly and the reason was that she dnt want my salary bt relatives ask her whether ur Bahu gives salary in ur hand, my foot) ... i straight away shoo away

They never brought anything for my husband forget abt. me .. now when he is handling his money, buying things with his own money (a shirt) they feel jealous and taunts ... bt they can buy it for their daughter

i would suggest you to buy a house and let ur husband start his MBA ... u need not tell him anymore to stop money, he vl do it once the expenses get higher

Friend and you are right in saying that they should ask for money only when they are in need .... You know wht my IL' s did, the puja which we do after marriage at native place, they paid for everything just to show all the relatives that I am spending so much and then after coming back home the very next day evening my FIL jotted down all the expenses and told my husabnd to give him .... dnt u think this is cunning ... how can they do this ... even for my wedding sarees they asked my husband to repay the mney to them ... ofcourse, all this things they say it sweetly like they said that \" we dnt want money but now u should take all responsiblities as u r the son\"

hell with such people xyz replied. Ya ur right..if husband is supportive we can do that....but our husbands are not like that..
My husband is nice very nice...but nice to them too....he tries to cover them and feel he has to send money home every month...i cant stop him...we fought about it couple of times...now i' m so annoyed that i feel i will replicate the same by giving money to my parents....they dnt need it and would not even accept from daughter, but i want to.....

so my MIL knows that her son is in control..he will send money no matter what, and she feel she had the right on everything that belong to us....its her actaully...
My husband i know from his heart dnt feel that..he knows that we have to buy house and do stuff by ourselves, but never listens to stop sending money to them or send them occassionaly...

I come from a family where parents help kids in education, famly and support them...here its the opposite in all the cases...no matter how much they have...they have less and we have to support them
I cant control my husband sending money, and i have accepted this...i want to know how much is the reasonable amount to be send..knowing that they have everythg...they have 1 kanal house, 1 plot, they get rent , their jobs..they buy and enjoy every moment of life....so how much should be send to them...?
they dnt help us a penny in his sister education...we have to pay bcz we have credit cards and its one and the same thing they pay or we pay for her tuitions...

and how can i make her realise that whatever we earn is our and she has no right to consider it as her' s. when they cant help us anytime..atleast she takes money and leave us alone and not interfere too much... xyz replied. Yes i understand that it is hi duty to financially help them, but to an extent....My MIL keeps all the money and ask for more every time...whenver my SIL have to give an exam or fees, they ask us to pay by credit cards..., then when we visit India, we end up paying all the expenses, the things they buy for their house, themselves (we get big gifts for them from here)..they demand expensive things all at a time laptop, i pod, playstation all at a time...then we have to send them the monthly expense..

not just this, my MIL tries to know how much we have and then ask them to send..$10000 is like 10000 rs for her....she has never asked us t raise a family or buy a house, though all the cousins have already done that...

she wants me to send gifts for her, her relatives and even her friends..dnt u think this is terrible...
for tuition fees, i know i came later in the family, but thy dnt do anythg anytime for us...they have evrythg in India, a good 1 kanal house, a rented house, jobs...evrythg...

not just money she tries to interfere in everythg...what have i coked, where did we go?, grocery shopping or are we buying anythg for the house...she feels if we buy somethg here, they should buy it there and money is billed to us...

then my husband is nice..if i ask he buys gifts for my family too...but his mother tells her that they being ladki waale they will do, ur not suppose to...
although i give gifts to my parents occasionally but at the same time i have to do equal to my inlaws also...i feel i dnt send money to my parents , so atleast i should have the leisure of gifting them without showering my inlaws with the same gifts...

if they cant help us, atleast they can support us by saying that they dnt need money every month...but whenevr thy are in need...here they never refuse and just take everythg and then retends that its the same thg...if its with htem or with us...

i dnt want to send them money till they need it or till the time my husband is done with his MBA andwe have a house....we try to save here for all the small stuff and they just keep everythg.... Friend replied. Hi
I am not in favor of in laws demanding money unneccesarly, but if they are in need and you guys earn well you can support then.Do you spend money on your family(parents) and if yes does your husband say anything or he says anything when you you spend anywhere? if not then you should also understand that he is son he will like to help them out. I was in your situation I was to worry a lot How much my husband is sending to his parents, but later i realize that I am loosing my sleep unneccesarly, he will send them more money if I protest it, so I started telling him our expenses and telling him to send money to them when they are in need , now my husband send less money than before, I was more frustrated coz he never let me spend any money on my family but gradually I have seen changes in him too. when I started asking him to help his folks out he some time brings gifts for my siblings etc. so sometime you have to let it go.

The comment you made that your in laws never paid tution fees for your husband and shame on them. he is their son you came after marriage why you are worried who paid for his tution bill etc some parents are capable to pay some are not .

I am telling you this coz my brother is doing undergrad from US and he took loan and he is going to pay back. parents from india (most of them) can' t afford to pay $100,000 for tution, the people who live here also don' t pay the full amounts Kids take their own loan and they pay it back.if he would have studied in India situation might have been different, your inlaws would have paid for his tution fees, so don' t worry about that. I am just telling you my opinion not to offend anyone.