Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

We’ve been married 2 years. Our marriage was unplanned and happened in a matter of 2 days. My hubby is very loving, caring, understanding and I find him as a good friend. But we do have differences and that’s what brings me here. I got pregnant within 4 months of our marriage and my hubby forced me in getting the baby aborted as he wasn’t prepared for it. No one in our family/friends know about it except the two of us. It was quite harsh and depressing phase of my life and I still do regret that decision of mine for aborting my baby. During this phase only I came to know about his pre-marriage affairs which was not confined to one. He tried keeping friendship with those girls but after rebelling he took a back step. To tell you the truth, I still feel guilty for taking such a step against him as in hearts of hearts I know he will never betray my trust. My IL’s also came to visit us and stayed with us for 6 months. During this time- my husband and I became more distant with each other coz of the day to day nagging that my MIL used to do. She did a lot to make me feel low and scrape my confidence. She also complained my SIL about me, which I came to know from her recent visit.

I am more of a sulking kind, who will take everything and not disclose anything that I feel, but it somehow reflects on my face. At least my husband can judge that I am hurt. With so much happening in a matter of 2 years, I have got too depressed, I feel low all the time. I have started raising question about my identity. I have become so pessimistic that sometimes I feel that I should run off or get my husband married to one of the girls he was dating earlier. Recently a lot of fights have started happening between us cause of me. Even a small little caring gesture towards his family hurts me. My SIL is pregnant and when I saw my husband running on every single thing she demanded, I felt bad, terribly bad! I compare how I went all by myself to the doc just to confirm my pregnancy and how he is responding to his sister’s demand’s now. These are small things but it leads to major fight between us. I’ve almost asked him 100 times to divorce me, which he says is no solution.

About 4 months back we decided to start a family. This time my husband said yes to the thought but because of the recent fights I am now doubting myself. I recently asked him again if he was sure to go with the plan, to which he also sounded skeptical. I seriously now feel that I am not the right girl for him and feel like killing myself. I don’t know but getting separate is the first thought that comes to my mind but I know hearts of heart that I cant take that either as he is the love of my life! What should I do? I don’t feel like talking to him or coming close 2 him right now either. I am irritated mostly all the times. I know I do love him and want him to be happy and I don’t know what to do to correct all of this! Please help!
NSS replied. I am glad you feel better after reading my message. I have to tell you, I am a whole new person now. I don' t worry about my in-laws now, anyone can pass by this world anytime, it could even be us, if we don' t cherish every second of our lives now, we may not get to do that ever. I love my son a lot, now adays I am all about loving husband and son.

But a person molested/abused by in-laws or any one for that matter should not stay in that relationship. After all, we have to make sure, we live in good health to cherish the moments of it.

Have a good weekend!
NSS replied. Hello,

I haven' t browsed india parenting for 4 years, and today I had to respond to to your post.

I am a typical indian girl like you with all those dreams about husband and married life. I was very naive and when I got married to my husband, I expected him to be naive and innocent like I was. I was an engineering graduate, working in a superior comapny. I quit my job and joined my husband in the US. Except the abortion part, My life was almost the same like yours, I came to know my husband had pretty deep relations with women, and he was in love with one of them. He was going to marry her, but didn' t happen. I was devastated and I carry that baggage even now. He' d done what every single desi does when they come to US. I don' t want to mention specifics. Anyhow, We have a baby now. He was(is) deeply in love with his parents and sisters and very caring for them, but not me. I always thought he doesn' t care about me as much as he does about them. We had fights over fights.

Recently I met with a life changing incident. I had a face-to-face encounter with death. Even now I am suffering the after effects of it. But in the start I couldn' t cope with it at all. All I could think about in spite of these daily fights and all, was how much I want to be with my husband and kid. I was crying to god for giving me my life back. I was telling god, I will never crib about my husband and his past, his love for his family or anything, All I wanted was my life. My kid is 4 years old and I couldn' t imagine not being in his life. I couldn' t imagine being with my husband. Those days I realized, I am given too much luxury. I had no chronic illnesses, I had a beautiful family, a loving husband, good health etc. All I could think of was how much I wanted to be with my husband and kid. I promised I will cherish every second of te rest of my life. I will thank god every day for making a beautiful family for me.

So what I am trying to say is, the things that you feel now, are perfectly normal for a well-raised indian girl. We expect a perfect husband with love for us (only for us). But please don' t make the mistake of re-thinking having a baby and all, Its going to change your life, It' s sure going to be hectic, but don' t give up. I am sure, you will look back and thank god for every second of it.

Enjoy!


hope2help replied. I am going to be very honest here. Forget what ever problems you have and really look at your behaviour. From your post it seems you are moody, emotional, pessemistic, argumentitive, irritable and a lot more. None of that is normal and if I had to hazard a guess I would honestly say you are more than likely suffering with depression. It seems to me that you are aware of your behaviour and yes some of the times you have reacted have been justified but on the whole your feelings and attitudes do not conform to what is considered good mental health. There is no shame in depression and you might find that simple cognative therapy and positive self talk will be more beneficial than any form of medication. I hope that you will give most post some serious thought and have a good look at yourself and make a decision to seek some help for this condition. I have a feeling life will improve double fold if you can acknowledge this problem and treat it accordingly. All the best Swapna replied. Hi

Im just talking from experience and by no means scaring you. Pick what you like and throw away what doesn' t apply to you.
ILs -don' t we love them. Me and my dh were the wonder husband and wife when we were issueless and had no visits from MIL. But after a baby and my MIL ,I think a lot of times if I can even be friends with this man. Mine was an unplanned pg after 2 years of marriage but we kept the baby(tho my dh was in complete shock and it took several weeks for the reality to sink in. He could never really think I was pg until I started to show)He was wonderful during pg and I delivered and had my hormones all over the place and slipped into mild PPD. He was Ok then, kind of supportive but I had my mom then ,so he thought I could draw support from her. My mom leaves and guess who arrives - the great MIL. She turns my life into a torture and I sobbed everyday in silence and started hating my dh that I could not even stand the sight of him.I would not even stay in the same room as him and cringe everytime I had to talk to him or smile at him. Thanks to my MIL' s undaunted efforts ,me and my dh were poles apart. Once she left ,things did not fall into place easily. But atleast now I can take out my frustrations on him and not having to cry in silence. Now we constantly bicker at each other and have chore wars all the time.One day we thought we had enough ,our marriage looked like it was going to fall apart,so we went on a vacation and did things that we really enjoyed (not as a couple necessarily ,but alone by ourselves sometimes) and it was so refreshing. Now ,we are better ,but I doubt if we will ever go back to those good old days.
A baby can be a major influence in your married life and your lives will revolve around theirs until they are slightly older. You need to rearrange your life to suit their schedules and I found this sudden change really overwhelming and very hard to cope with. I love my daughter to death ,but there are days that I' d imagine doing things without her and having my own identity and most of all my ME time that' s so hard to come by.
Having a baby is something that you both on the same page about and both of you convince yourselves about being good parents and good partners still and then go for the baby.
All the best in whatever you choose. gg replied. it happens...u must forgive and forget..i think by trying to hate ur husband ur only torturing urself..
take for eg, same thing happedn with me n my mil...still i dont behave badly with her...think that ur time was bad ...ur stars were bad...i hv not forgiven my mil...i wll never do that ..but i am trying to 4get things...
life goes on...by dwelling on past u will only torture urself...
and above all he is ur husband...i think u must gv a chance...think whatever happend happd for the best ...
cant u gv him one more chance...dont get irritated...maybe its fro ur good...
u always wanted to hv baby ...now he is ready for it..
think about it...
learn to be happy..n in laws KINDLY PUT THEM IN DUST BIN..less said the better ...
they are there to make our life miserable...
u find ur happiness with ur husband..he is ur husband..he is ur family...above all u love him....cant u gv him 1 chance ...? i think u want to ...
ifuu dont want to get close to him dont do that..but atleast u can try to get close to him mentally...thry to make up for the lost time...
i know one thing...
whnever u are on a wrong path god always allows u one u-turn on ur karma...mayb this is a u turn for u..