Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I always have been hearing daughter in laws sharing the troubled life they are going through with mother in law and husband' s sister(sister in laws)?
What about sister in law(brother' s wife)? My family(i.e my brother and parents) have not had good experiences with my sister in law. I have seen the life of a dauther in law since i am married and i have saas and nanad both.
My parents have given ample space for my sister in law in her life. Sometimes they are wrong and many many times she is wrong,but mostly its rift between the couple(bro & SIL).It feels helpless to see out parents suffer and feels very ery nice that my parents are not the typical saas and sassur.Plz help. sonu replied. sorry A,
let me be frank! In some angles, I could see from ur brother' s wife angle.

Manycases, daughter feel mom is entirely perfect and problem is from brothe' s wife in any saas-bahu story. Because daughter can see to one angle that her mother shows up. Until that, there lies no problem. But If son believes mother is good eough from her part and wife is wrong ...then absolutely there must be a problem to any wife.

So, U must have read many posts related to saas-bahu /hubby-wife problms ...and If u think from her view , u can even identify her in any of these problems from DIL' s view.

U said, ur brother complains she doenst cook/clean... Even u complained same. Any DIL would try best to take part in kitchen ...and may be she noticed u r undermining her work...so developed inferiority complex and might be in distant to kitchen.
Also, when they r given privacy and own home, she muct have did her best but could have got rejection from ur hubby (u said he is short tempered and toomuch attached to u). Also, u mentioned ur mom and bro talk more than ur bro&Sil , Its quite nasty situation for any girl in joint family...Read out many problems posted in this view.
Also, she complained...he only play with child and not her..??? what does it mean??? He is not intrested in her...He is only attached to his own blood.
Though u and ur mom were not directly involved in their tiff, she must have have felt ur talks in every of her hubby' s words. He is more attached to all than to her. This is unbearable to any girl.

Sorry, Iam not saying u and ur mom must have created problems.But ur bro involved both of u. I feel, ...problem lies in even him....not only her. So, both of them should consult marriage councellor.

Sorry A, If I was harsh. ButI experienced tough situations in my earlier days. He was too attached to mom and sis..so used to take their words as standards to evaluate my work/my existence.He was always keen what thye might be thinking of me.
my SIl being very innocent of her mom acts .MIL is pocessive and obcessive. As a daughter she doesnt feel her acts ODD but I see them. If they do something annoying ,I tried hard ignoring...But when they interfered my life totally thru him...I fought with him to get my way. They never said me anything in front of me...but said alot to him against me and parents .He used to repeat them in expressing his dissaatisfaction at me...They treat him as their son/brother but never as married man with his own family.They always try to show up attachment.

After 4.5yrs of marriage, he could see my side...and he could understand his wife and got point y I' m saying not to listen them or take their opinions on me or parents.I was in other countries ,still they monitored his thoughts .So, even this might not have happned in her life..so, went distant. If any person verbally abusive to wife and talking pyara pyara to mommy...how can she develop anthing for him???

So A, try to see it in total different version. I see my close aunty telling about her DIL and how she suffer. Even her DIL say me things in her absence.
so ,I know how my aunty mistakens herself thinking she did evrything to DIL though DIL is not worth for it..



Anyways, A, I appreciate ur efforts to unite them. That is really nice to see u working out to find cause. But u can do only one thing...being less attached to hubby so that he can unite her. U complained ..\" she is living happy with her parents and if they wouldnt have supported her, she must have been with ur brother\" . I too say the same...U dont give ur brother that kinda support..soon, he' ll be realising he need her too.Try for it.All the best!





Ritika replied. Hi A,

I have the following thoughts after reading your story -

1) Did your brother beat her? If yes, then sorry, I do not agree with you that your SIL should have quietly taken it as he does not have \" any other\" bad habits.

2) You are saying that your brother is \" extremely close to us sisters and parents. So any DIL will have problems I guess.\" What does that mean? Can you be more specific please.

3) Where is your brother in all this? What is his stand?

4) Are they living together now or separately?

5) My understand of any situation like this is that it cannot be all \" She' s bad and We' re too good\" .

Your SIL might have had hazaar failings but seriously after marriage your brother' s priority lies with her and his child.

It is very hard to admit and acknowledge to oneself (but it really needs to be done) that he should place his wife and marital life before everybody else.

Believe me, I have 2 elder brothers so I' m speaking from experience.

When your brother and SIL have a fight etc, did he come to you guys and you also joined him in saying \" SIL should not have done this\" , \" SIL should not have done that\" , \" it was wrong of SIL to do that\" etc?? Please be very honest in answering this. You need not tell us on this forum also what happened..but think about it..did you or your parents add to the alienation between the husband and wife by adding to the fire??

6) Have you asked your brother and SIL the exact cause for why they split??

Every story has 2 sides to it.

Yes, your SIL might be wrong but from what you have told me, I cannot reach that decision. You have mentioned about you guys doing all the work before your brother' s marriage and your SIL not helping you after wards. So if you did not need a maid before then why did you keep one later?

If your brother and SIL started staying separately then what happened that they came back?

Please don' t say that you don' t know. If your brother is close to you and his mom , I' m pretty sure you all are aware of what is going on in their lives.

Maybe you can suggest marital counseling to your brother. He can request his wife about it...
A replied. Yes, there has to be atleast one negative figure in the family to disrupt mental peace. But sometimes small issues is okay as far as the general happiness in home returns soon after any incident.
Our problem is I guess my brother is too simple and homely. She is little extrovert. My brother is extremely close to us sisters and parents. So any DIL will have problems i guess. But we are all very supportive of her. Like buy dresses for her, ask her opinions right from my college days. We did not have maid ,but after their marriage we have that also, its not a joint family only sister and parents at home. So may be she does not like to walk into a house where she does not have much privacy. For this also my parents gave my bro and sis a separate house(which we used to rent out)so they can have their own privacy. Still things did not work out between them and they moved back with us ,so my father expanded our hosue by selling the other house. So we have more rooms and space and servant at home now. But now she no longer lives with us, she also pulled their only son with her.
Always she goes to her parents house. She is talking ill about all of us and our old good friend told us about this. So my mother started telling my bro also to speak to her more, to take her for outings ,to buy her some gifts. Which he does but at his own pace. Now may be they are really not compatible , but having a child shud she do like this where a child does not get a father' s lovce, where grandparents cannot live with their own grandson or een talk to him or meet him. My father tried to go to her house and talk but her parents talked so rubbish that my father cannot step in their house and so they try to meet grandson somewhre out but she lies and never comes there an dmy old parents keep waiting in park, stations etc to meet the little child.
The child also now says openly that grandma mom is busy i cant meet now, my brother gave him cell phone so he can be ein touch, but i guess that child must not even be remembering to charge it and stuff so that phone eonly rings and noone answers. Its been more than 6 monhts since she is away. Some of my nephew' s school kids told us he no longer comes to this school now. So she seems to have changed his school also now. My brother is also no longer taking any action. They ahve been married since more than 10 years and with so many problesm on and off they seem no longer needing eah other. I feel very bad for the child, we all accomodate our needs and bend down for our kids sake. Her parents have completely given her shelter which has made her strong even being a single mom now i guess. I also went so many tiems to theri house, her father shouted at evven me, i just ignored and tried to speak to her, she just listened to me like a wall and when i was about to leave she says do not try to talk me into anything, i am not going take any legal action but i will neve live with ur brother and dont want any of ur support it seems.
I cried to her and told , dont do this to my parents and pls any help tell me. IF ur only prob is my brother is not very smart and does not now filmi ways to keep her then she is doing a big mistake. My brother has at times beaten me also, so i told heer if he is physical with u even once pls ignore that, he is little short tempered but he does not have other nbad habits, he loves u and likes to take care of the whole family. Now even i am married , she does not have any tesnion of sil or any responsibility etc...she has a biger house, a loving family and nice life.
I remember during my college days i have washed her clothes, my father made her flower mala to put on her hair, my brother gave her birthday gifts,we were okay and i was so happy i have a bhabhi. My mom always cooked dabba for her office too and before she came home dinner was cooked too. I and my sil wud do cleanings and close kitchens t night, though she did not know any household work, i used to keep doing so much and tell my bro that she did it. Even to my bro herparents never gave respect so my bro stopped going to their hosue, they never called and wished on occassions etc... She wud stay so long at here place and come and go as she wanted. Slowly my bro became little strict and asked her why she lies and goes back to her parents house, so she will say i had this work and that and that its so boring in ur house etc...
We never went out much and all, but for her happiness litle little we all changed and now she is gone and we all want them to unite,but if they take any initiave nothing can happen. My parents gave her a lot of freedom and my brother is not so smart have casued a family to break and child being separated from father and fathers family entirely. pp replied. I agree with gg where MIL is good DIL are really bad. I have a same situation my SIL really gives a very hard time to my mum. My mum takes care of her daughter when DIL is away for work and as soon as she comes back from work she literally shouts at my mother for not doing things etc. DIL never enters the kitchen, does absolutely nothing for her daughter but still dominates my mum. Even though they' ve got 2 maids to do the work etc.-even then she just gives a tough time to my mum. gg replied. its my experience i hv many examples in fron tof me...where in laws are very very nice n dil are monster...
i dont y it is like that ..but whenever there is a good dil there is always bad in laws n when there is good in laws one bad dil enters there to make their life misreable...
my own granny was removed from her house by her dil' s no one takes care of her...she lives with my mother...n she is gem of a person ...she must hv never hurt any1 in her life...my granny mil use to torture a lot one small mistake she use to beat her ..bang her head on wall...she had beaeten her with broom...belan...she had suffered a lot in her life..n now she is suffering from dil' s....
i dont know y god ha s made like this...what is a logic behind this i dont know...i hv come across only one famly in my entire 30 years where dil n in laws are so happy with wahc other...i am jealous with them...money is not imp but mental happiness is..what is a use of this tension btwn mil n dil? we are not going to gain anything...life is too short for all this there are many imp things in life other than this...i daily pray n wish my mil chnage her attitude towards me...believe me i will really take care of her...like a dughter ... Ritika replied. We are here to help you, but can you explain a bit more about what the problem is? Your question is not clear.