Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,
i know my problem may sound wierd. it is a very small problem, but bothers me a lot mantelly.

some of u know about me. I have been recently seprated from my inlaws bcs of my unmarried elder sil' s attitude problem. but we want to maintain cordial relationship with parents so that in future when they need they can come & stay with us. now my mil is diff type. she is egoistic in nature but very helpful at the same time. they wants us to take things & groceries from their home but we want to do everything on our own. we try to respectfully refuse when they call us about something, but they(mil & fil) r very persistant. so i need suggestions regrding how to make them understand.
i have lived indipendenly beofre & quite comfertable with taking care of things. i beleive to rum my home is my responsibilty & they should not be bothered. they r doing it out of love & it is their nature but i want to do things in my house the way i am comfertable.

just to give u more idea. she likes to keep big stock of some things in house like traditional indian family for e.g. wheat, rice, sugur & such things but we like to keep things for monthly basis only.
now they have bought this 5 kg rice & 5 kg sugur for us along with their purchase & called us to take it but i don' t want to bring. its not money problem as my dh' s is giving them money for their expances also, but its the way i do thing & she does is different. i want to stop this in the bigining itself.
my co-sil is leaving seprate in a city more than 100 kms from our city since 6 yrs. but still my mil sends them anaual quota of wheat & dal & rice in the season when it is goood time to store & also some other things also. i used to get irritted with it when i was leaving with them. comeon they leave in biger city then ours & they r mature enough to run their house themselves. but my mil does not understand. this is going to happen with me on a more frequent basis if i don' t put stop to it now itself. so girls please give me suggestions on how to do it bcs polite refusal over the phone is not working. Chandra replied. hun, if this is ur biggest problem, take it! of course things like this bother us girls. but in the grand scheme of things....just accept it. if ur inlaws arent telling you how to run ur house or ur family, and they like buying food for you, open ur arms to it! so what if she bought you a big bag of rice when you only want a small one. make a nice rice pudding and when you go visit or they come and visit, give it to them. TRUST ME....i knowww how you feel, little things add up and get under your skin...just try it...try letting it not bother you and see what happens. Dd replied. Hi friends,

some of u may want to know what happened. I am able to tell them know for the groceries indirectly. still they r saying take it when u finish your stock in the house.
But i have not been able to stop mil form sending other things.
oneday she sent fil with bottles of pickles - home made. other day she sent him with dal-bati she had prepared(which my dh loves.)
anyways i have learn to not get upset over small things & let it go sometimes.
yestuday was my fil' s borthday & we went out for dinner with them & than to home for cake.

Dd replied. hi,
its good we can share even the most strangest feelings on this board.

sana,i don' t mind following what u do but the problem is that she keeps talking to all relatives how my bil & co-sil r not mature enough to run there own home & she provides them alll this things. that is the only reason i don' t like it. if u want to help its fine but i am not asking so why to talk about it to other people?

and also when we have verbal arguments with my sil or mil about some difference, they will count all this things as obligation done by them to us, and we don' t like that. that is the main reason my dh & me, not comfertable accepting anything from them. hey, we don' t make them count what all we did for them or gave them as obligations bcs we feel it as our duty & love. so why should they be allowed to do that with us? SG replied. I can understand that u want to mng ur house in ur own way.Also smtime we feel that when we cant live together why all this help to showoff.If u think they r just showing off but r not of real help then keep scratchig ur head to find out a way to say NO.

If u think they genuine feel guilty for not supporting u & maybe they r feeling sorry that u hv to seperate away from them bcos of SIL.And they r nice inlaws otherwise.Then It cud be one of thr gesture to show it.
So let it be...and politely make them understand that u dont want to store for long time. Kharab bhi ho sakta hai. if they still persist then u can say that ok they can stock it at thr place & u will take once a month from them or when u need.
Slowly & slowly they will understand & stop it.
I dont think u shud get irritate for this untill & unless u feel that thr is sm hidden motive in that.
Afterall they r parents...they work as they used to do in thr time...it takes time for them to understand that today' s generation do things differently but that doesnt mean that we r wrong.
If we sit,think & discuss...we ourself start feeling that its not that bad as we felt before & then we feel better.

Pls share what u actaully did. gg replied. i cant gv u advice in this matter same thing i am going trhu my mil has givne me soemthing which i dont want but she is not ready to take it back at the same time she says ..i hv not given u forever whnever i need it u have to gv me without wasting 1 seceond..i was only blankly looking at her face...then y she has givne it to me? Sana replied. My il do the same thing I moved out almost a year but in the begining of 6 months she thought i was not capable to buy groceries on my own...so i didn' t care hey i moved out..let it be. but now its annoying cause unlike india here in usa we don' t have maids. I get annoyed that it all goes to waste we are just two people. My saaz (God bless her she does it out of love) even gives food that is cooked so her son can eat that. After letting her know i don' t need it..it goes to waste..blah blah blah....she still continued. So after having a conversation with my mother. She said she is doing it for her beta. She wants to feel like that this house is still hers too and if she wants to live with you in your house she can becasue her groceries are in.. I know i know it doesn' t make sense to us girls but to these aunties its a like a connection to this house to their house. She is a mother just fikar karti hai yaar. Let it be - Now i just say thankyou when she gives it to me. I think its her way of saying thankyou cause never in my lifetime i am going to hear those words out of her :). So i say to myself actions are louder than words and than let this small thing not bother me.....lol you know i was so ashame to mention this question to anyone ....funny how we all dil have weird strange problems but you can share them on this board..thanks guys Ritika replied. 1) You could just keep saying that you don' t need it. Just as they are persistent, you can also be persistent. And then change the subject.

2) You could take it and then give the entire thing to your maid/milkman/postman etc or someone who you think will appreciate it.

gg replied. u rmil ill never take that no u hv no choice but take it but as ask them to send in a less quntiy tell her we r only two of us ...make some excuse..b that thing get over bring new stocck wihtout her knowledge so that whn she asks u ...u ccan say u dont need u already hv one