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Hi friends(Namita,sonu,gg,dd,ritika and madhuri)

I promised to write and here Iam. This is going to be long so please bear with me. Things have taken an ugly turn at home. Since I started ignoring MIL ,she was ignoring me back. She started acting petty like giving me back things I gave her for her stay like blankets,boxes to keep her pills,cleaned out the closet I cleaned out for her and put her things on the floor,etc and took back the things that she gave me. I never asked her a word about it. FF to Sunday anoon. All 3 were having lunch and MIL asks ,you are you so put off for the last few days(with real scorn in her voice) I smile and tell her that there' s nothing wrong. She immediately bursts into tears and says ,only 4 more weeks ,yes only 4 more, I' ll be gone and started to sob.
I was appalled,I told her ,Ma there' s nothing about your presence that bothers me ,why do you think like that. I don' t know,maybe the sleepless and all the pent up stress made my voice break. I could not eat and excused myself from the table and went back and asked her ,what I did to give her such an impression. I also told her that I thought she was upset since we did not pick the outfit of her choice. No reply from MIL. Now dh tells me to eat and I tell him ,I' ll eat later. so after a while I sat back to finish my plate and cleared the table and started to sob. Dh comes back to console me and MIL comes over and tells me that my house will never prosper if I cry and scolds me. She says that she' ll change her tickets and leave tomorrow. She says that she originally meant that since she was leaving in 4 weeks I need to be cheerful and I misunderstood her words. Also she says that I have a guilty conscience and must have done somthing wrong and that' s why I cry.
Since things were turning ugly ,I told her that I saw her as a no different person and she' s just like my mom to me. I said I was sorry if I hurt her in any way and told her that my heart would feel light if she apologised me. MIL says,why do you have to tell me all this,did I ask you.You seem to make out like a witch.I was flabbergasted. I told her ,Ma now things are better since we spoke it out and let' s forget something like this ever happened and get back to normalcy. I expected MIL to say it' s Ok ,never mind or something. She said the happiness of the household is in the woman' s hands and I fail miserably at it ,that' s it and went back to watching tv and left me to sob.
After the incident ,I tried to be back on normal terms (you know intiating conversations and doing things to ger her attention back ) but I feel they all seem so unreal and phony.
I know I handled the situation very poorly and I want your opinion on 2 things:

1. Do I buy that MIL merely meant that she wanted me to be cheerful during her stay or that she meant since she' d be gone in 4 weeks I need to put up with her. She accuses me that I always misinterpret what she says coz Im twisted.

2. Was I wrong in refusing to eat? She made a big drama out of it as well. But neverthless, I did finish my plate with them.

My brother' s car was in a major accident ,but fortunately he' s safe. The car is damaged beyond repair or replacement and I was too stressed out coz of this. That' s why I couldn' t control my tears.

after yesterday' s episode she made me feel like I was the one who did something wrong.Like I ignored her for no reason and acted mean. I almost feel at her feet for no mistake of mine.

Since this morning , I could not be my normal self. Im simply talking to her ,coz I dont want any more fights in my house.

Dh did not even open his mouth during all this humdum. I looked up to him for support but no ,he was stone faced. later he tells me that Im his first priority. I was so furious at him ,that I yelled at him and told him to stick his priority to where it belongs and to go to hell. Im not even talking to him and life feels like hell and sleepless nights are not making things any the better.

tell me where I go from here. I feel like writing a lot more ,but I' ll stop here.
Thanks if you' ve made it this far.


sonu replied. Hi Swapna

Sorry for late reply but could not come on the net until now as have been busy.
Sorry to hear about ur dilema..
I think u did the right thing by not talking to her...the reason she created such a scene was because she couldn' t tolerate that u was not talking to her and giving her a taste of ur own medicine.
Dont feel guilty or cry infront of ur mil as that will only make her feel happy. Try to be strong and adamant infront of her if you can...If she wants to stay the full 4 weeks then let her but u dont things your way dont give in. She is just putting on a act infront of ur husband. If ur husband doesn' t support you then u support urself. Try not to involve him as it is his parents at the end of the day and maybe he has not be brought up to speak up to them but that shouldnt stop you from speaking up the rights and wrong.
Be strong and stick to your guns.
Whatever she says try to ignore it...i know its hard and sometimes you want to say something but in the end u will be the winner. Try to keep away from her.

Good luck and hope to hear some good news. swati replied. hey swapna,

u sb b thankful that she' ll be gone soon and hasnt visited ever b4. this is why your husband wanted her to stay until this Nov. ' cos many inlaws only visit once they have grandkids. And beleive it or not they come for help but are a pain in the a...the problem is that MIL is insecure and once they c that their son has his own family (especially once a kid has arrived) they know the son will b too busy with the kids and pay them no attention...atleast shes not with u permanently and u dont have to go thru what your BIL went thru...another tactic is that they will make u feel guilty abt not serving them properly/ not doing their proper ' sewa' ...no matter what u did and how hard u tried...your fault was that u were nice...she also followed a typical strtegy of creating a drama infront of your husband...so that she could create a fight between u two...she cant let go of her son and she prob couldnt take the fact that u run your own home pretty well and independently without involving MIL...no matter what u should never fight or say anything negative to MIL infront of husband thats what they wait for...be cold towards them...talk when necessary only...dont give them too much bhaav...sir par chad jati hain...do whatever u want...cook what u want and ask if there is a dietary condition or something like that...or let them cook themselves....but remain nice infront of husband...u know how u said u tried talking to her...engaging her ....do this infront of husband...why doesnt she leave if she hates it so much here? Swapna replied. again ,thanks a zillion. I don' t know what i would' ve done without all your support.
Yes,Im counting my days. MIL says sarcastically all the time -countdown begins and how happy she' ll be in a month' s time. Such pettiness.
OK,a little more about MIL. I know many have seen such types and been there done that ,but I wanted y' all to know what kind of ILs I have.
BIL was almost divorced from his wife coz of these people. They controlled SIL' s life so much that she wanted to get away from them and wanted to work. These people threw her out of their house and she managed to take BIL with her . After a few weeks ,(I dunno what drama these people enacted)BIL dumped his wife and son and went back to ILs. FIL even initiated divorce process and BIL was ready to remarry. SIL apologised ,came back and now they live on different floors in the same house. FIL and MIL say a lot of awful things about SIL that' s so unbecoming of their age.
MIL after coming here ,simply couldn' t bear to see me and dh together. She' ll stop eating and taking her pills if we spent some lone time together even in our bedroom !!!
Our relationship was getting strained and there were days when we didn' t even talk to each other. I was afraid if our marraige was falling. Even now ,we are not lovey dovey like we were before and I only hope we get back on the groove soon. I constantly chase him out of the room and leave the place if he came in.
Yes, i learnt my lesson. Im never going to invite ILs. I may plan on getting pg again soon ,but I' d rather go alone and manage a toddler and a new born than having stress managing a moody MIL who herself acts like a child.
Even I were to go back to India, I' ll make sure that I stay at a place that puts me atleast a couple of 100 miles away from ILs.
OK,Ive rambled enough for now. I' ll be back and update later on whatever the situation is at home.
Thanks for listening gals.
savvy replied. Hi Namita,

I can understand what you are going through because I went through exactly the same situation. My in-laws returned all the gifts we had given them. My f-i-l even returned the credit card my dh had given him and while doing so gave me that disgusting look. They tried to tell me with their eyes that \" We are returning all this coz we have nothing to do with you.\" My in-laws threatened to leave for India and did not have food for two days. They gave me a silent treatment. When I confronted them, it turned into a big fight. They did not talk to me for 2 years after that. They did not even call me for birthdays, feasts etc.

My dear friend, you did what you had to do in such a situation. Please don' t blame yourself. Crying is not a sign of weakness as many think. It is just letting out our emotions. Your
m-i-l initiated the drama. First of all, she is wrong to say things to you while having lunch. The food will not go down your throat if someone sits there accusing you while having a meal. Secondly, I feel she wanted to make you cry. By saying \" Your house will never propsper if you cry\" she is actually cursing you. She was plainly envious because your dh consoled you but not her. She was probably expecting him to take her side and turn him against you. You tried to have an open conversation with her but she wants to stick to her point and not have a reconciliation. Ignore all her stupid remarks. It is useless to make your point because again she is going to accuse you. You have apologized to her as a good d-i-l but if she has not accepted your apologies you cannot do anything about it. So bear with her for just a few days more. Even if she says anything mean, just pretend as if you did not hear anything and show her that it does not affect you. After a while, she will be fed up and stop her drama.

If in the next few weeks she becomes normal and cheerful, take her out to a fancy restaurant or for an outing. That way she will feel on top of the world. Also, buy her some good gifts if possible, before she leaves. So that way she will leave happily and peacefully.

Hope this helps. Keep us updated on what happens. Ritika replied. Hi Swapna,

I don' t think you are at fault over here. You tried your best to apologize and tied over things. But as dddd said below, your MIL hated seeing her son consoling you and hence hit out cruelly at you.

About your specific questions -

1) Nopes, I don' t buy her line that she meant for you to be cheerful. If that were so she would not say horrible and mean things to you. Anybody would have interpreted her words as you did...so don' t beat yourself over it.

2) About your leaving the table - frankly I might have also done the same..with MIL there sobbing and saying not-so-nice things, the last thing on my mind would have been food. So again, she made you upset and was testing your tolerance level...she was the one instigating you and its perfectly logical that you got upset by her words.

So what if you left the table. She also has behaved that way in the past, if I remember correctly. And then you and yr hubby had gone and apologized...isnt that so??

So basically, in your MIL' s mind, all the crying and being upset is something only she is entitled to...you should be like a statue sitting in one corner taking all her insults and whatever she throws at you! Uh..not happening.

You know what I think...you called her bluff and she could not handle it. Her own behavior is at fault here and she is trying to throw all the blame on you.

Your husband might not have said anything then but at least he supported you when alone. I think that is a big thing. He could have behaved like a lot of men do in these situations and asked you to apologize to his mom and gotten angry at you...thank your stars that he didnt do any of those things. That means that even he sides with you and doesn' t believe a jot what his mother is rambling about.

After such a disagreement, it is normal to feel so much and be so upset. *hugz*

As others suggested, don' t cry any more in front of her. She will never, ever offer you sympathy. She will be happy if you fight with your husband in front of her. So don' t give her that satisfaction.

Take this as a learning experience. Don' t have them for such long periods of time like 6 months and so in future. In such close proximity, all the negative emotions come to the fore specially if its the dil-mil kinda relationship.

Don' t worry about her nasty remarks like yr house will not prosper etc. She is just jealous of the good relationship between you and your husband, and the otherwise happy life you have. From what you have told us before, she is a seriously disturbed individual who is depressed chronically and not very happy with her own life. Such people get very angry when they see others happy, specially when it happens to be their DIL. Hence the urge inside them to make their DIL upset or make her life difficult.

A couple of suggestions. Ask your husband if it will not make it easier for everybody including his mom, if her departure can be preponed. Tell him that clearly she is not happy here and all this is destroying your future relationship with her. Does he want that?

I think 2 weeks would be a good time for her to leave now.

You can take her shopping before that and buy her things. Ask your hubby to take a friday off and then all of you go somewhere touristy near by. A break will do all of you good.

And before I forget, about you not getting enough sleep, try hiring a baby sitter for 3-4 hours in the afternoon
once a week. And go and catch up on yr sleep at that time. You have not had a break for the last 7 months and it must be really stressful for you.

You don' t think about sleep until you are not getting enough of it, and then that is all you can think about...so my suggestion would be not to think too much about yr MIL...you cannot make her happy. Accept that. Focus on getting rest during the day. Whenever your baby sleeps, go and take a nap. If your MIL doesn' t reply to your overtures and small talk, that' s her loss and pettiness.

I hope this whole mess resolves soon..keep us posted...you are a strong lady..I' m sure you' ll get through this whole experience stronger and more mature. We are all there with you in spirit.

All the best and take care...

Ritika dddd replied. Swapna,You have been really good with your Mil. Dont worry she is just trying to prove herself as loving and trying to get attention of your husband.
Your MIL didnt like the fact that your husband was trying to console you. She didnt expect that and threw a tantrum of telling you your house wont prosper. She probably cant digest the fact that you didnt have major showdowns becoz of her behaviour. IN laws love to see that b/n son and daughter in laws.
Dont feel that u handled the situation poorly becoz you didnt.She is just trying to instigate you by doing all such things you mentioned.Although my MIL is not like this. My FIL and SIL are major drama artists who can instigate my husband from India to fight with me.
Dont worry you did good and try to be indifferent with your MIL. Dont cry in front of her. She will have the joy of making you cry. Take care and best of luck.Post back. Namita replied. You keep on ignoring her, dnt b harsh atall ... dnt give her chance to say something wrong abt. u,if she is saying u r ignoring her tell her u r nt feeling well bcoz u hve to wake up in night for ur child .. if she cries just ignore her show as if u didnt notice .. if it is loud, ask her wht happened(for name sake), if she starts nagging tell her to excuse u and go to loo or see ur child or go down do whtever to ignore her ... dnt give her ny explanation on her questions tht u r unhappy bcoz she is here bla bla ... she is doing this to take ur attention,now she is feeling as if she have lost the game ... bcoz u seem to be happy ... n this MIL dont want there DIL to look happy, earlier u were behind her and she was makign u dance acc. to her(she was able to make u unhappy also) now the things have changed u r happy and she is not able to see this ... this is the only reason for her drama ... ignore, ignore and ignore her .... respect her while speaking, dnt show u get irritated wiht her behaviour or it affects ur relation with ur husband, this at times also make them happy tht u hve fight with ur hubby .. so ignore her n show her u r still at peace and njoy her jealousy ... she vl cool down of her own Namita replied. I agree with SG n GG, whatever SG said is right just follow that ... dnt cry, once i cried when my MIL and FIL said wrong things, my FIL said that this girl dont know to cook even after one year nd my MIL was behind the gold bangles which my hubby gifted me .. and after few days my MIL taunted while watching tv serial that these girls cry so that no one should point out there mistake(jhoota roona) .. from that time i have become firm and i have made up my mind tht this lady have soft heart only for her daughters and i m jst another girl in her home come to help her in daily cores .. cont... gg replied. about ur husband y do u want to drag ur husband in this mess enjoy ur time with him
initially i too had same prob my mil like a daily newpaper she use to comaplin her son she didi this she did that ..now i make a point to run after myhusband the moment he enters home i am glue d to him like fevicol n then my mil will come in between my husband will ignore her royally..i dont hv to do naything...dont fight with him he is ur husband after all he is urs ..he is ur family...n ur responsble for his happiness and ur childrens happiness...
i hope this helps u gg replied. ur mil is behaving like this is coz ur ignoring her...my mil too does the same thing she will start nagging she will irritate me so much that i will end up answering back. she will come in kitchen and for example she sees lemon or salt or anything she will look at it n say what is this? i loose my head on her. if i dont answer her she will start crying.
about ur not having food yes u over reacted but since you have mentioned about ur bro accident i can understand u ddnt feel like having but for mil plssssssssssssssss dont do next time hv food n enjoy, laugh n wathc tv try to behave normal this will irrtitate ur mil more...
about her leaving house n returning things all this is a part of mil' s game pls stay away by ignoring her let her do and say whatever she wants...mymil does same thing just go away from there for few sec dont make face ur show ur irritated like i do after few sec i wil go and ask her what to cook ? how much rice should i cook now ? what bhaji u wnt me to make..? sometimes she answer weird but agin i will go n ask her same thing ..jsut be coool and calm after sometime she will be ok...
if she says she is leaving ignore her talk to her n joke with her normally say while wathcing tv or movie ...i am sure ur not so lucky like me she wl mnever go ...
in short ignore ignore n ignore......n pllllllllllllllllllllllssssssssssssssssss no shedding tears b4 her no no u made her day by doing that ..if u dont cry i bet on anything she will start crying ... SG replied. Dear swapna,
Just be calm..and do what u feel is right to ur conscious.

MILs r like that ..Since she is going so she want to create a big drama esp in front ur husband to make u & him realise her value.Good or bad but Hubby will never say a word before parents so don' t expect.U hv to bear her for 3-4 weeks more so start counting ur days.
We call them mummy but they can never be...a mother even if gets angry dont take revenge from her own child.
I can understand this is hard time for u but this a toofan which has to pass before beofre shanti comes agn.Be normal to her, dont say anything abt wht happned & why or excuses..she will start agn.

Dont understand why MIL' s act like a teenager by shouting or returning gifts...budhdhi jane kahan chali jaati hai unki.Sometime they want behave like an elderly person and other time they compare themselves with us like our sautan...
We need to hv lot of patience not for them but to keep ourself happy