Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I live in the UK with my husband.My in laws came down here to ' help us' cope with my new born baby girl.They have been here since may 07(almost 6 mnths) and they hav now extended their visa for another 6 more months.It looks like they r going to b here atleast till april 08.My MIL is a very sweet and gentle person but my FIL is another story.He is very intrusive and very opinionated.He interferes with everything we do to even how we should bring up our baby...He doesnt lift a little finger to help us out but expects my MIL and me to do seva for him...My husband feels the same way as me but is a scared of a confrontation with his dad...coz my FIL will lay a guilt trip on him abt all the personal sacrifices he made to bring him up...The stress is mounting ...i cant handle it especially with a little baby to take care of...Any suggestions welcome.... SG replied. I think Madhuri has consoled u very well.
U dont hv to do become FIL secreatory. Now u hv a baby so keep urself busy with her...she needs u more & kids dont let us get free.So u hv an excuse too. U can do whenever u feel like but dont make it a habit.Ask him to keep the baby if u r busy.
6 more mnths is a long time so its difficult for u.
Also just for ur sake make sure weather ur MIL is really sweet or pretending to be polite as FIL speaks everything on her behalf.Mine used to do the same.She doesnt usually say anything directly but i had heard her saying to FIL.And he used to say on her behalf & she used to behave like gentle woman. She used to come to us & says that ' papa is like that' .
If u find her really gud then u can mk her feel gud & avoid gng in front of FIL as much as possible or just ignore what he says.obey him if u dont find any harm in it just to avoid any big drama.
Then after 6 months as madhuri said go to parents place or call them if u can.

Its better if husband atleast supports wife & dont backans to his parents without any big reason.Anyway it will also come back to wife that she must hv insitigated him to say so varna humara beta ne hume kabhi jawab nahin diya. madhuri replied. Dear Nina
You seem like a well brought up girl who is caring towards her Ils.
1. It is just a question of 6 months more… I am sure that you will forget all the interference & tensions in the cute smiles of your baby..This is a time to enjoy all the baby’s milestones & achievements so don’t let ur FIL get to you…
2. If your Inlaws are staying in Malaysia then the best option is to plan a trip in advance to your parents house in april 08 once their visa expires.. so that they cannot stay further than that..
3. You really don’t have the option of bluntly asking your Ils to go back as it will unnecessary strain your relationship & hurt your MIL & also your hubby… It will be nice to have your MIL around when your baby starts talking, walking etc & share the joy… I have a 3 year old & I really feel good how my Ils appreciate her & make her feel special… I feel that it helps to improve their self esteem… Only bad thing is that my Ils attribute everything that is good about the kid to their & their son’s genes & anything that is negative has to come from me ..haha..
4. If you get yourself be disturbed & stressed then your baby will also suffer.. instead try to accept the situation… be assertive for important things & just let go what is not so important to you… see the deadline is april 08 so you have something to look forward to & I am sure once they go back you will miss MIL..
5. please don’t feel sorry for your MIL for having to do FIL’s work… it is all her fault ..I used to do the same..& ended up being treated like a free maid cum secretary … making tea 10 times a day..dialling the phone no for him .. fetching his glasses shoes etc…whew… once I stopped doing it he did try to do some of the stuff himself . MIL is the one who has made him so helpless & dependent upon her.. In fact when I newly married my MIL used to expect me to run around & do sewa of my hubby too.. I did that for 3 years till I got pregnant.. after that I told hubby that he has to take responsibility for his small tasks from now on….. & he understood & he has started doing so himself… In fact once my mother inlaw during an argument even told me that I am a not fit to be called a woman as I never give towel to hubby or keep his clothes ready… She has forgotten that I did that for 3 years & that while I don’t do all these things now, I clean toilets, sweep & mop the house & cook & look after the baby & am dead tired at the end of the day… these old time women never tried to get out of the house & have their own career & have spent their whole life doing pati sewa…. They don’t deserve any pity .. In fact I am sure that my MIL secretly enjoys running around after hubby & picking up after him… but keep me out… I’d rather read to my kid. Now that I have started working I have employed a full time maid & both MIL & FIL keep her on her toes all the time so I am not bothered..

madhuri replied. Dear Nina
This is exactly the story of my life… Any way I will try to give u some tips
1. Always be respectful to your inlaws.. why risk bad karma by hurting old people by being rude & all…. But…. Be firm about what u want to do.. don’t try to explain any thing to ur FIL about your ideas about raising kids just do what u feel is right.. if u listen to them in the beginning & later try to do what u want then they will fell hurt & insulted.. Explain to ur MIL when FIL is not around for the reason for your action eg if u want to feed the baby solids only after 6 months not after 4 month as MILs usually advice u then explain that science has proved this to be the best way( just an example)
2. if FIL has never lifted a finger in his life to help his wife u cant expect him to do so now… busy yourself with the baby & let MIL attend to him.. finally she might tell him to do small things himself.
1. Just ignore FIL’s rude comments … don’t even give eye contact look away… stop talking to him for a few hours if the comments are particularly hurtful…he should get the message
2. try not to involve hubby… let him know of the disagreements when u are alone but always say something in their defence like… of course they did things differently so u cant expect them to understand.. after all we would never like anyone criticizing our parents…
3. take the chance for free babysitting .. plan dates once a week with hubby.. if inlaws protest then say that we can do this only when u are here…we cant trust any babysitter with the baby.. u can ensure that dinner for them is ready so that they don’t feel that they have to cook and babysit at the same time.
4. talk with your friends … plan outings with them minus FIL.. maybe u can take MIL along if the outing is with a group of girlfriends…
5. always try to keep MIL happy… treat her like you will treat your mum.. share jokes etc with her… IF she is a nice person she deserves affection.. or she will also get insecure & turn against you.
6. Most important.. when the visa expires after 6 months.. plan a trip back to India with them… then they will have to go back with you.. they cant stay in UK alone…don’t invite them back again .. make excuses when ever they say they want to come… u have to be creative… Please ensure that they r well provided for in India & have maid etc to look after them
7. do try & empathise with them.. some parents do get insecure when their son is not dependent on them & has their own life… If we show that we don’t need them they get even more insecure & then behave even more worse with us…
8. From my experience I can tell you that if you continue to live with your inlaws for a long time… one day, your Fil will be able to turn your MIL against you… You will one day loose your control & back answer them & fight… & the relationship will be strained… So try to explain to your hubby that living away from each other is the best option… many times we feel that hubbby is supporting us but in reality they r always hoping that we adjust with his parents & live happily together…
I have gone through the exact same thing and I am still trying to cope with the daily fights & false accusations… My sweet, loving docile MIL has turned against me due to the constant influence of FIL… I am planning a trip back to India in dec.. My FIL says this is un necessary but I am hoping & praying that they too come with us & I can live a stress free life… If they say they are coming with us then I will tell them clearly that it is better to live separate & have good relations that live together but have no peace in the house. I did try .. for 7 years...hope you can learn from my mistakes... All the best.. plz let me know if any of this advice is helpful