Role of in-laws:Saheli and all Please Help to clear my doubts
2007-08-16
Name: Amita
Hi All,
Here is my situation. I am married to my husband for last 6 years. We have good understanding
as it was a love marriage and I don' t live with my in-laws as we are in US. I have always been a working woman.
My in-laws have been fine with me so far frankly I have not lived with them too long and whenever they are here with us I respect and treat them fine even though MIL can be very annoying. What I have noiced is which I find strange is that they talk more openly with my husband when I am not around. My husband is more close to his mother than father and even with his mother he is not mamam' s boy so that helps. She will ask him about my family (like I supported my younger brothers education in US with my other siblings help) and they asked my husband about it when they visited here. My son goes to day care and MIL is not vey happy about it and thinks that it can never work out and that I am not a good mother so far it has worked very well for my family. My parents keep telling me that because my MIL wants to I should let them visit us more often that my husband is their son and that and should enjoy their grandkid and so.I should be more considerate and be very nice to them. I am not bad with them but if it was for my MIL she would stay in US for good. My parents have never visited me in US after I got married.
What I feel is that my SIL deos not even talk to her inlaws and my MIL supports her daughter 100 in her treatment towards her inlaws. SIL has problem with her husband talking to his parents on the phone. So I am like why the treatment should be that different. My sil has been married for 10 years and did live with inlaws for only 15 days right after she got married so it is not that she lives with them day to day.
My questions is how should I be with my inlwas. What should be my approach. Please help me with your suggestions as I am in dilemma with what my parents tell me and what I see and sorry for long message.
Amita
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Hi All,
Here is my situation. I am married to my husband for last 6 years. We have good understanding
as it was a love marriage and I don' t live with my in-laws as we are in US. I have always been a working woman.
My in-laws have been fine with me so far frankly I have not lived with them too long and whenever they are here with us I respect and treat them fine even though MIL can be very annoying. What I have noiced is which I find strange is that they talk more openly with my husband when I am not around. My husband is more close to his mother than father and even with his mother he is not mamam' s boy so that helps. She will ask him about my family (like I supported my younger brothers education in US with my other siblings help) and they asked my husband about it when they visited here. My son goes to day care and MIL is not vey happy about it and thinks that it can never work out and that I am not a good mother so far it has worked very well for my family. My parents keep telling me that because my MIL wants to I should let them visit us more often that my husband is their son and that and should enjoy their grandkid and so.I should be more considerate and be very nice to them. I am not bad with them but if it was for my MIL she would stay in US for good. My parents have never visited me in US after I got married.
What I feel is that my SIL deos not even talk to her inlaws and my MIL supports her daughter 100 in her treatment towards her inlaws. SIL has problem with her husband talking to his parents on the phone. So I am like why the treatment should be that different. My sil has been married for 10 years and did live with inlaws for only 15 days right after she got married so it is not that she lives with them day to day.
My questions is how should I be with my inlwas. What should be my approach. Please help me with your suggestions as I am in dilemma with what my parents tell me and what I see and sorry for long message.
Amita
Amita replied. Thanks for all the replies. I know I shold not get bothereg my MIL' s comments as I have no control over it, and can do what is best for myself and my family.
THanks
Saheli replied. Hi Amita,
If you think you are doing the right things, right ways, right proportions, then you neither need to worry about what others are saying, not compare with anybody else like SIL.
Check with yourself. If you are doing your due diligence, giving them enough respect, calling them up, iniviting them over ... whatever ... then be confident. People always expect more from you.
Dont get bothered.
And put yourself into MILs shoes and think, this is what she must be feeling -- that SIL is right as her MIL is not a good person. So if she is not talking to them, they deserve it. But your MIL is good and you are not doing it enough!
And Amita may have 100 good points on this thought, but thats your MILs thinking and we cannot change it.
So why compare and get bothered? Keep \" your home clean\" and let them go..
Namita replied. Dont get so much concern about ur M-I-L, even i face same thing my MIL supports her daughter. If u and ur husband are comfortable keeping ur child in day care then there should not be any prob. at all. If ur MIL is more inquisitive about ur family and talking to ur husband abt it be careful ... dont let her do that, may be slowly she will put thoughts in his mind that y should u support ur family etc. This ladies are nothing less then vamps, ofcourse be good to her,infact u r maintaining a good realtion, keep that. But calling ur MIL to stay with u, i think u r calling prob. in ur life.
I feel u r happy with the current situation u r in, i.e. staying away and happy with ur job and married life. Then when there is no prob. why to invite any.
Ask ur hubby to ignore her questions, i think he is very clever as he avoids her questions. U know best for ur child, do as u are comfortable with.
sonu replied. hi amita
Firstly i ask u of what biz is it of ur mil to interfere about ur sons childcare...Has she ever offered to look after ur son. Secondly every mother will do waht is right for their son. I leave my son in daycare i am in uk and my own mum lives 15 minutes from me but i dont expect her to look after my son as she has done her bit by raising us plus i then dont want conflicts with my sil as she also has kids. My mil has never even offered and she dont like me putting him in childcare but hey he is my son and i make decisions for him until he is old enough to do so. So u are not doing anything wrong.
For ur mil to ask details about ur family to ur husband is normal. My mil does the same my husband never tells me but sometimes he makes comments and from that i know that she asks him. I let her because my family is what it is and i dont tell my husband everything about my family that way he cant tell anything to my mil..which in all honest i shouldnt do that but sometimes teh less u tell the less u have to listen.
It will be always be ok for ur sil to do whatever she likes with her inlaws and for ur mil to support her but the minute u do anything u will be classed the black sheep of ur family.
Not a good idea for ur mil to stay permanent with u in USA as then u will have problems as she will create them for u. Better she visits on occassions.
Carry on being nice to her but keep ur distance. Talk only when u need to otherwise do what u want.
How is ur husband does he take ur side and understand u?
Does he tell u what mil is asking him?#
Yes ur husband is ur mil son but that does not mean that they have to be in ur face 24/7 same like when my son is older and has a wife i dont want to be around him all the time as i would want to do things with my husband. As long as they are happy thats all that matters i dont want to know about dil family etc.
If u dont agree with somthing then tell ur husband to convey to his mum that way u dont have to say anything.
Just recently i had my sons first bday party and my inlaws always talk to my husband and pass messages thru to him whether its for weddings, invitations or funerals they never tell me. So obviously when it was my sons birthday my husband invited them and told them.
5 days before the party my sil calls me and says that i have not called my inlaws and invited them and discussed the party etc....so why is it fine for them to do what they want but when i did it once they didnt like it....And why should i discuss my sons birthday with them when they dont included me in anything. The funny party is when they keep saying that i am like their daughter...lol what a big joke....
I say always live for urself...i used to live and worry about what my husband will think, what my mil will think and used to upset myself and ended up in depression and they mad me feel as if it was all my fault but then i realised that no its not me its them they are bullying me so i cut off my ties with them and now i live for myself and my son and husband...yes my husband hates the fact taht i only go their on occassions but he should have spoken up to them then not kept quiet...no one can force u to do anything that u dont want to do as its ur life...u have one life why live it in a miserable way. Be indepedent and do whats right for urself
Take care
2007-08-20
#1
Name: Amita Subject: Thank you!!!
Thanks for all the replies. I know I shold not get bothereg my MIL' s comments as I have no control over it, and can do what is best for myself and my family.
THanks
2007-08-18
#2
Name: Saheli Subject: re:
Hi Amita,
If you think you are doing the right things, right ways, right proportions, then you neither need to worry about what others are saying, not compare with anybody else like SIL.
Check with yourself. If you are doing your due diligence, giving them enough respect, calling them up, iniviting them over ... whatever ... then be confident. People always expect more from you.
Dont get bothered.
And put yourself into MILs shoes and think, this is what she must be feeling -- that SIL is right as her MIL is not a good person. So if she is not talking to them, they deserve it. But your MIL is good and you are not doing it enough!
And Amita may have 100 good points on this thought, but thats your MILs thinking and we cannot change it.
So why compare and get bothered? Keep \" your home clean\" and let them go..
2007-08-17
#3
Name: Namita Subject: Do what u feel is right
Dont get so much concern about ur M-I-L, even i face same thing my MIL supports her daughter. If u and ur husband are comfortable keeping ur child in day care then there should not be any prob. at all. If ur MIL is more inquisitive about ur family and talking to ur husband abt it be careful ... dont let her do that, may be slowly she will put thoughts in his mind that y should u support ur family etc. This ladies are nothing less then vamps, ofcourse be good to her,infact u r maintaining a good realtion, keep that. But calling ur MIL to stay with u, i think u r calling prob. in ur life.
I feel u r happy with the current situation u r in, i.e. staying away and happy with ur job and married life. Then when there is no prob. why to invite any.
Ask ur hubby to ignore her questions, i think he is very clever as he avoids her questions. U know best for ur child, do as u are comfortable with.
2007-08-16
#4
Name: sonu Subject: do it for urself
hi amita
Firstly i ask u of what biz is it of ur mil to interfere about ur sons childcare...Has she ever offered to look after ur son. Secondly every mother will do waht is right for their son. I leave my son in daycare i am in uk and my own mum lives 15 minutes from me but i dont expect her to look after my son as she has done her bit by raising us plus i then dont want conflicts with my sil as she also has kids. My mil has never even offered and she dont like me putting him in childcare but hey he is my son and i make decisions for him until he is old enough to do so. So u are not doing anything wrong.
For ur mil to ask details about ur family to ur husband is normal. My mil does the same my husband never tells me but sometimes he makes comments and from that i know that she asks him. I let her because my family is what it is and i dont tell my husband everything about my family that way he cant tell anything to my mil..which in all honest i shouldnt do that but sometimes teh less u tell the less u have to listen.
It will be always be ok for ur sil to do whatever she likes with her inlaws and for ur mil to support her but the minute u do anything u will be classed the black sheep of ur family.
Not a good idea for ur mil to stay permanent with u in USA as then u will have problems as she will create them for u. Better she visits on occassions.
Carry on being nice to her but keep ur distance. Talk only when u need to otherwise do what u want.
How is ur husband does he take ur side and understand u?
Does he tell u what mil is asking him?#
Yes ur husband is ur mil son but that does not mean that they have to be in ur face 24/7 same like when my son is older and has a wife i dont want to be around him all the time as i would want to do things with my husband. As long as they are happy thats all that matters i dont want to know about dil family etc.
If u dont agree with somthing then tell ur husband to convey to his mum that way u dont have to say anything.
Just recently i had my sons first bday party and my inlaws always talk to my husband and pass messages thru to him whether its for weddings, invitations or funerals they never tell me. So obviously when it was my sons birthday my husband invited them and told them.
5 days before the party my sil calls me and says that i have not called my inlaws and invited them and discussed the party etc....so why is it fine for them to do what they want but when i did it once they didnt like it....And why should i discuss my sons birthday with them when they dont included me in anything. The funny party is when they keep saying that i am like their daughter...lol what a big joke....
I say always live for urself...i used to live and worry about what my husband will think, what my mil will think and used to upset myself and ended up in depression and they mad me feel as if it was all my fault but then i realised that no its not me its them they are bullying me so i cut off my ties with them and now i live for myself and my son and husband...yes my husband hates the fact taht i only go their on occassions but he should have spoken up to them then not kept quiet...no one can force u to do anything that u dont want to do as its ur life...u have one life why live it in a miserable way. Be indepedent and do whats right for urself
Take care
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& Answers to Topic : Saheli and all Please Help to clear my doubts
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