Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I have a very strange problem. My MIL is very good to me. She treats me very well and I am very lucky in this matter.

I don' t know, for some reason, she doesn' t give respect to my parents and doesn' t treat well when they come home.This is inspite of my parents being nice to her.

And she always finds some or the other silly reasons to complain against my mom with me.

Whenever my mom called her for dinner, she gave some reasons and said cannot come. My mom was fed up and stopped inviting her for a while now, and now my MIL has started complaining that my mom never calls them for lunch or dinner.

I love my parents and it hurts me very much when she talks against them. Again I get confused to hate her for this reason as she is nice to me.

Please advice! savvy replied. Hi,

You have mentioned that your m-i-l is good to you and treats you well. You should know that in-laws do not always respect the d-i-l' s parents and we should have no high expectations. The relationship between the parents on both sides is a strange one.

I would say ignore your Mom-in-law' s comments that your parents are not even inviting them over because they refused to accept the invitation in the first place. For that, you or your parents should not feel guilty. You can ask your parents to invite them one more time and if they still make excuses then you have a point to make.

Your m-i-l has no right to comment unnecessarily about your parents in front of you. You have to show how strongly you are against this. You can openly reveal your emotions and confront her. Do this when your husband is around so that he also can intervene and support you. I mean if your parents are good people then why take crap from this woman. Shalini Deb replied. Hi smitha,
I agree with Saheli' s suggestions, but remember one thing. if your parents were wrong in something and she points it out, agree with her. You should not show partiality that just because they r your parents you would overlook their mistakes.. mistakes are human.. anybody would commit them... so think rationally.. that way she will be confident that it is not that u r blindly suppoting them.. and she would gain more confidnce on you..
Shalini Rashmi replied. Sonu,
There are few things that one needs to keep in mind before confronting anyone for that matter..The first one being : is it really b/n me & her or is it b/n \" God & I\" and \" her & God\" ? In an \" ideal\" family, discussing do work but not so in most of the \" practical\" families. Thats why the suggestion. Sorry if it offended anyone.
Smitha,
I myself cannot take the crap from my mil but as long as you don' t encourage such behaviour by blurting out your own parents' family matters, you' ll be fine. Don' t discuss anything abt your family for a while in front of her & she' ll come on track. Give her a blank look & she will get the message.
Rgds Ritika replied. Hi Smitha,

Congrats on having a great MIL! :)

Since she is nice to you otherwise, I assume that you can talk to her normally otherwise...My suggestion (you can modify it depending on the nature of your MIL)- next time she says something bad about your mom, become very serious, and keep that serious expression on your face for a long time. After her comment, when she tries to talk normally to you, just keep down your face and keep being serious and reply in ' Yes/No' terminology. Just so that she knows that you are upset.

I' m sure she is going to ask you what the matter is etc..then quietly tell her that \" mummy, I feel so lucky to have you for my MIL. I consider you as my second mother. But jab aap meri maa ke baare mein kuch kehti hain to mujhe achcha nahi lagta. Meri mummy jaisi bhi hain, meri mummy hai..mera nature, meri tehzeeb sab unki upbringing ki wajah se hai..\" and after that if you can become emotional and give a few tears.

Maybe give her a hug..whatever you and she are comfortable with.

Hopefully she will stop doing this after that. Till now I think because you have not said anything, she feels its ok to say anything about your parents. Until you speak up, things are not gonna change.

No need to hate and all. Its too drastic a word for something that just might be because she is not aware that she is hurting you so much with her words. Smitha replied. Hi Rashmi,

Yes, I don' t want to ask her anything. I don' t want to get in to any arguement with her and make my life miserable. And as it is I am getting hurt when she talks against my parents. If I discuss this matter, she is going to tell me even more againtst them. sonu replied. I guess she could ignore them but why should smitha put up will all the bad comments about her parents...they will keep on doing it and one day she will blow up and say things she doesnt want to and then the relationship will be non existant.
She needs to tell them now so that she can put a stop to the situation or it will just get worse...
Cause my mil did the same first she was talking about them and then it got to the extent where she told my own masi directly and u dont what it to get to that stage as too many people will be involved then Rashmi replied. Hi Smitha,
I don' t think that its a good idea to ask the heavy- headed inlaws for any explanations. You are not going to get an honest answer from them anyways. Infact your relationship with her might get sour because of this. Just ignore her. That' s all!! sonu replied. How is ur husband towards your mum?
Do u live in a joint family?
You have to split both issues.
First u get on fine with your mil that is excellent as its difficult for most dil and mil to get on so well....Congrats.
Secondly you hve to try and find out why ur mil does not like ur parents..is she insecure that ur husband will spend more time there then with ur mil?
She must have some insecurites. Maybe if u get on why dont u sit down with ur mil and ask her that u hve noticed this issue and it upsets you and please would she be able to tell you what is bothering her so u can try to correct it.
My mil does the same. From day 1 that i am married she never has a good word to say about my mum. She moaned about everything and then when my masi came over last diwali i was upstairs feeding my baby and she was sitting downstairs wiht my masi talking about my family but my masi did not say anything as she didnt want to create a fuss but then my husbands sister told me that my mil was saying something so i went and asked my masi what happened and she told me what she was saying which was completely out of order. My husband asked his mum what she said and why and i really dont know what mother and son talked about as they dont tell me everything and then i confrnoted my mil and u know what she denyed everything. So i was really angry and said that my masi would not lie to me and that u have said all these things which are out of order. I said if u had a problem with my family then u should have approached me but she denied it...and since then she does not speak to my masi or mum that much...which is better as before she always had a comment to make.
Try to see if you can resolve it by talking to ur mil and finding out what is bothering her.
Does she stop u from going there? Have u spoken to your husband about the issue maybe he can speak to ur mil first???? Saheli replied. Have a polite and open conversation with your MIL telling her that you love and respect her and want to know if there is a anything hurting her from your parent' s side. Be patient, let her come out, dont insist if she doesnt.
Dont prolong the topic. Do your bit.
Continue to love her.

That' s my suggestion.