Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi

My child is 7 years old. I am a working mother (goes to work at 7.30 am and arrives home at 10.00pm). Till last year he was with us. WE used to drop him at our MIL OR mother(she stay' s with my sister) house to help me in engaging him when ever he had holidays. MIL went out of country now. She will not come back for another 2 years. As my mother does not stay in the same city we had very tuff time in managing our child' s schedule with our office schedules. Finally we left him with my mother at their place. We visit every 20 - 30 days.

The problem is that my sister' s child is 1.5 years elder to my child. He is very aggressive and he is very talkative, very fast and manage with friends for time being does not love. My child is very slow, does not speak much. But he loves people from his heart. Mine and my sister' s idea to keep them together was the children should learn from each other. But both the children are growing up in their qualities. Finally my child is becoming more and more sensitive. This worries me somuch. We never compare the child' s in front them. During day time both of them fight like anything and at night they won' t leave one another. How to make understand elder one to love people and younger to be strong mentally.

As I had to convince all my family members a lot to leave him there I cannot bring him back immediately. I need to wail till the academic end or my MIL to come back.

Someone please help me.
You may be wondering why this question is posted here. As there was no answers in behavioral problem. I took a chance of keeping my problem in front of experienced mothers like you.

Thanks in advance.
Pooja Saheli replied. See how details matter! I read your previous post, and all that you have mentioned about your sis and mom, and felt that you really took a wise step at that time.

I would request all who are reading this to put their details in their posts as people tend to suggest based on information available upfront.

Your story now tells why it is important for you to do that long job and how it is not easy to change that job rightaway.

You seem to be caught in between multiple issues and I suggest it may be a good idea to seek professional help from a councellor at this time. He will have the right answers not only for your hubby, but also immediate and long term solution for the kid too. He may also help you out with your hubby' s issue by talking to him.

Accor to me, you should spend a complete day or so with your kid. Say on a saturday, you take him out to a mall or something, watch movie, eat out, play, and then at home you talk to him and ask hi how he is doing there, if anything is bothering him. Kid' s take time to put feelings into words so u need to be patient and stick to one question and ask it to him in parts. Depending on his answers, u can address the issue he is having. And then also tell him that this is temporary till his Dadi is back and ask him to help you out in this situation (I m sure he will understand and co-operate).

This period looks like a period of stuggle for you. I suggest visiting your mom more often so that the child sees more of you. Spend good time with the kid when u r there, possible just u and him.

But you wont be able to stuggle like this for years, with the hubby' s problem. That needs to be addressed, irrespective of MILs return. So i suggest talking to a counsellor. We people on this board are not trained like them so may not be right one to suggest when the sitation is complex.

Now i want to say something just about you.
With a hubby like that, deciding to work and earn, informing ILs about hubby' s habbits, deciding to send your beloved kid away to your mom .... you are a strong woman and you have always taken right decisions. Good wife, good mom, good person. You dont seem to be in panic, you have maintained your balance. I really respect you for that.

Do not feel too bad about the issues you are having in life. This is a temporary phase and most of us go through difficult times, just that the flavor is different. Think positive, that your hubby' s problem is not too severe, your kid is at a good place where you have such loving people. What if you dint have good people? What if hubby had some other habit that cannot be changed? Be patient and make sure to soend some time for yourself, pamper yourself a bit, and do something you like as it will help you refresh yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted. Saheli replied. Pooja
I too have the same question after reading your post. Why a job of such long hours? I mean, child' s management is one problem, but what personal life do you enjoy after such a long office day? Do you need to travel for long hours that makes it a 730am to 10pm job?

And about the child' s issue, are you looking for answers about what to do with the kid who is becoming an introvert... or you are looking for overall solution?

I think its time you stop and seriously think about life' s priorities and responsibilities. What are your life' s priorities? Healthy and happy family? A retired life with sufficient income? Happy, well educated and settled son? Do you think you are going the right way to achieve these goals? Do you believe that a 14 hr working day can give you all this? Or there are some reasons for which you cannot change the job?

Your kid seems to be suffering a bit at that place. He is going through a stage in life where he needs parent' s love, care, attention and direction. He is growing physically and mentally and the things that he learns at this stage will form foundation of his personality. The good health that he makes at this age will help him in future and it is parents’ respo to make sure he gets healthy physical and mental environments and good learning. Forget about mental env for a moment. Are you sure your child is getting enough nutrition, vitamins and proteins in his daily diet? Who does he tell when he gets hurt, or when he has a headache or fever? Who listens to his school stories? Who addresses problems he has with school friends?
When he sees his cousin being loved by his parents and he misses you, but is not able to understand why he is lacking parents' love. His mind asks him why is he away from parents and why not other children. Daytime, things are different, we all are busy in daily chores, and he plays and fights with cousin. At night, when he is tired, and has had a tough day (school, fights with cousin, etc), he needs love and care and needs someone who can give that. He tries to get close to cousin for getting that. All in that family may be loving your son, but he knows that nothing can replace parents. His friends talk about their parents \" today my mom cooked this, today my dad went to a party\" or \" my dad got me this\" or \" we have got a new TV in our house\" and all this impacts him. He is old enough to understand that that is not his house, and they are - finally- not his people. If this continues, he may - i repeat - he may (may not) - grow up having some hatred for his parents.

Is that job more imp for you? Is it for some unavoidable reason? Is child a lower priority for you, m sure not? Is it possible for you to look for a job that has less hours (and not worrying about less pay) and then you hire a maid or put him in creche? Can you leave the job and stay at home or do something else to make money - may be some business?

Lemme tell a small story! Someone we know had a severe financial problem and had a job like yours. She had to earn, hated creche, and did not earn enough to hire a maid. You know what she did? She started a creche!!
Her children are with her now all the time, and she is earning well too!

So think about it. This is same we all who have replied to you, and see as a long term solution.

And about the current problem with your kiddo - I think at this moment, he needs love, care, parent' s attention. Talk to your mom and see if there' s anything bothering him. Tell her that you are looking for options and request her to take (more) care of him till then (i leave it to you how to do that). Visit your child more often (its going to be a tough time for you but you gotta do it). Connect with him. Spend quantity and quality time with him. Talk to him and try to make him express his problems. Its not easy and will need patience. Make him open.
Explain him why he needs to stay there, at his level. Tell him that its not unfortunate or bad to stay away from parents like that, many children do it, give him some past and some live examples. Assure him that this is a temporary phase and you will soon take him back.
Getting him toys and gifts will not help, that cannot replace his need for parents.
As a final solution, I see no job or a job with less hours is the way out. Having that, if it is possible to get a full time maid at your place and keep kid with you, that will be the best option accor to me. Your kid is old enough, so a maid wont be able to cheat you as much as a maid with a baby can. The kid will see you at least at night and in morning- if not all day, and most importantly, on weekends. Do you have any old aunty in neighbor or in relation? Someone who you can request to stay at your place in the day time?

Let us know if there are any financial needs for which you are tied up and I may be able to suggest you some ways.

One more thing. I don’t mean to say that keeping a child with grandma is a bad idea. Many children have been thru that and have been taken care of extremely well.
You are the person who knows both sides well, so it’s for you to figure out what is better and decide.

Does this help? Let us know. Anu replied. What can be the reason for you to work from 7.30am to 10.00 pm. If this is the life style you wanted to live, you should not have had that child. You are being very unfair and will cause him life long effect of neglect.And remember not to complain in next 15 years or so, when he will not give a minute of his day to you and then you will blame his wife for that.
working mom replied. Are you in some financial crisis that you need to work so hard or are you career oriented women ??

Whatever it is I feel terribly sorry for ur kid .. there is no behaviral problems ... Its his nature . You as a mother need to spend more time with him and build up his courage ...