Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I am new to this board. Was reading various issues here, so thought you people must be the best one to solve my problem also.
I am newly married, it' s been just 8 months. My MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL & my DH are very nice & affectinate since marriage. But the problem starts now: I am expecting our first baby, & was livin alone since last 3 months as my hubby had to go on some urgent tour. In that 3 months I came to know that I am expecting & was very happy. I was thinking that somebody from my sasural would come to meet me & guide me for do' s & dont' s. But to my surprise neither of them turned up, not even for a day.
I know it' s my mistake, as I was expecting from them a lot. The reason was they never treated me like an outsider & were behaving very nicely. OK let it be. That was not an issue. The problem is once I had remain admitted in hospital because of some pregnancy related problem but even after knowing this nobody turned up. I was shocked. I told my hubby clearly that I was not expecting this from his parents, & that poor soul was feeling so guilty on their behalf that he said sorry to me. But never discussed this to his parents.
Second problem is that, as we are expecting our first child, even after knowing this my FIL' s demands for money is keep on increasing every month. He is a retired persone. He is not bothered how much we are saving or if we are able to save also or not. He just tells his son, this month we have to do this, do that but never says directly that he needs money. And my hubby without telling me or asking me keep on giving money to them. Sometimes half of his salary.
This behaviour of everybody' s is making me upset a lot. I don' t know what to do, how to tackle this situation.
One more thing, when I came back from hospital, I did not speak to any of them. It' s not that I am not talking to them, just I never dail their numbers. Whenever they call, I just talk to them nicely. But somehow my MIL got to know about it, told something about me to my SIL & BIL. Now both of them try to make taunts on every small thing. Now slowly evrybody is changing.
Please let me know here, should I change or let them know their mistakes, as I really do not want any fights b/w me & my inlaws. I still like them, becuase they are my hubby' s parents.
Thanks in advance.
BU sonu replied. hi Bu

That is really good news to hear....see its all about talking to a degree...if u dont ask u dont get...
Now u can relax and enjoy the rest of ur pregnancy and look forward to ur little one coming...Im so happy for you..i know what it like to have that constant stress of mil.
Yes u are right once the baby is here u can take control on what can happen.
Sure we can keep in touch...how many weeks are u now?
u live in america right? sonu replied. Hi Bu

Ok i see ur point...
Well normal delivary pending on his u have had stitches normally take about a week to 10 days rest but u can do things and are normally up and about from teh next day.
With the c-section they do recommend no lifting and working for 6 weeks but as i said i was up and about the next day in hospital and i went home on teh 4th day. i was cleaning and cooking on the 7th day but didnt do any lifting or driving until about 2 weeks later. It also depends on ur body how well u recover and heal...i heal very quick so it wasnt a problem for me. at the end of the day it all depends on how u feel. i wouldnt hve my mil look after me or even ask her to as we are both different and think differently as i found out after my son was born..she wants me to do everything the traditional way whereas i dont beleive in certain things they do and it causes conflict as my mil likes to get it her way. to be honest the first few months ur baby will just drink milk and sleep so u can rest when ur baby sleeps thats what i used to do. Thing is that when we are pregnant they dont want to know but the minute the baby is born they all want to take over and give their advice as how to bring up ur child..
I just used to listen and then do what i felt right for me and my son....at the end of the day u are the one that is gong to have to deal with the baby on a daily basis so it best u create what habits u want not anyone else.
At the end of the day u have to do what is right for urself and ur baby. and after u have ur baby ur hormones will be all over the place so jsut be careful .
Why dont u discuss it again with ur husband that look at the moment u think u will be fine to deal with it on ur own and if u need help u will ask them to come and help u out...that way u are compromising aswell....

if u need any more advice let me know

take care of urself sonu replied. Hi Bu

Oh no...why do u hve to delivar ur baby at ur inlaws normally delivary is at the girls parents...Cant u explain to yoru husband that u dont feel comfortable with this as u dont know how ur delivary is going to be and u would prefer u had ur baby at ur parents or on ur own (whatever u want) say that certain things u cant tell ur inlaws to do for u as u feel they have not particpated in anything while you have been pregnant.
I was quite fortunate as i said to my husband taht i want my mum to be there once i have had my baby and he was ok about that..to be honest when his mother came along after she created so much problems and now i cant forget what she did as that time is very sensitive once u have had a baby. Next time i have a baby i will not call her at all..i will manage on my own if i have to.
Tell ur husband if he cant explain to them then u will speak directly to them and then tell them nicely that look i would prefer it if after my delivary i could go to my parents house for some time..U have to get ur husband on ur side first and explain to him. then if he understands then u dont have any problems. good luck and let us know how u go sonu replied. hi

i been married for over 2 years and i understand what u are going thru...i had the same problem when i was pregnant my inlaws did not bother to ask once how i was and then when my son came they wanted to be down like a shot cause hes a boy and wuld carry the family name. They did alot to me thru my pregnancy and also after and earlier this year i had a confrontation with them and told them everything what i felt and u know what they lied about everything and denied alot of things for which i have proof and now i have no respect for them anymore and only go there on occassions so my advice is that things can only be resolved and compromised on if both sides agree to the faults and bein inlaws they never admit to their faults as its always dil who have to bend down and obey.
Just be happy thru ur pregnancy and enjoy ur baby when he/she comes along. i know its hard when u are getting grief from inlaws but best is not to expect anything that way u wont be dissapointed...i had the same expectations. Dont get me wrong my mil did come after baby born but she onely came to make sure she did the rituals adn that was it...she wanted to give my son a bath and never mentioned it and then went back home and said i didnt let her....well i am not a joytshi that i would know she wanted to give my son a bath..she cause alot of problems within 10 days of my son being born and plus i had a c-section. so trust me u better off without them because beleive me u dont wnat any stress after u have had a baby.
Best thing is to get ur parents or relations to come and help u if u need it.
I did everything myself on the 8th day i was cooking and cleaning myself with the c-section and in a way i am happy that i managed myself with the help of my husband.
So be happy with ur baby to come and ur husband and dont worry about people that dnt care about u, they not worth it. sabita replied. It' s good to see that you love and respect your inlaws for being your husbands parents..its just been 8 months your journey has just started..to frame in one word all i can tell you out of my experiences is
1)Be very open to your inlaws tell them that you need them in tough times too be diplomatic...at the same time make sure you dont hurt any one
2)Advice your husband to star investing in buisneess or investment plans instead of just giving away money coz u have future for ur kid..tell him tht its good if you can double your money tht way he can aso lend more money to his parents..
3)Make your own space in house tell every one about your likes and dislikes make sure you GIVE AND TAKE RESPECT
4)Tell every one that if they have any problem with you they should talk to you instead of back biting tell them that you hate hipocrites also tell at same point that you will be \" SORRY\" if mistake is yours.
5)NEVER try to fight or argue for your rights it will only spoil your relation..Be pateint every time whenever you feel that you are arguing in conversation try to consolidate with good words..
6)Women after her marraige should carry three assets with her
ATTITUDE,LOVE,RESPECT